writing-is-my-1-escape

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

“I hate you”

I hate you for taking my heart and dropping it when you got bored. I hate the way you made me feel so many things, not all of them good. With you came so much excitement for the future, our future, but that was all shorty followed by doubt, from me, from you. I hate you for giving me hope that this was something more than just a pass time, with every week, every month, every year that went by you game me more hope as I gave you more of myself. I hate that after I told you how I had been broken before you still turned around and hurt me even worse. I hate how no matter how many time I told you I wasn’t okay you never actually heard me, I though you did, at the time but then I noticed you would say “no tears” or “suck them back in” and maybe you just did it to be funny but slowly I stopped crying around you as much, started hiding my pain and hurt away from you, but you didn’t notice that. As time went on I didn’t notice how  often I would use that line to stop myself from crying about you; it didn’t hit me until my date with her and I started crying, over how pure she was, of all the emotions I was feeling the sadness and happiness, and when I apologized she just told me to let it all out, that crying is okay and she would be here when I was done. I hate you for never noticing when I was uncomfortable, when I was tired and needed to go, I shouldn’t have ever been put in a situation where I needed to say what my needs were and seem like an asshole. I should’ve known something was wrong with me when I preferred to message you instead of spending time with you and actually speaking. I hate that you became so mentally and emotionally draining for me. I always put your feelings, your issues, your questions, your health and well-being before mine, because I could be the ‘strong’ one just another day, that became weeks, and months. I hate you for thinking I was selfish when, for you, I was always self-less, I only wanted the best for you, though I guess I could’ve worded my thoughts better. I hate you for breaking my heart in one of the most stressful moments, when I was least prepared, I hate you for not actually trying for giving up like I meant nothing. I hate you for letting me help you, letting me still treat you to stuff, letting me cook for you, even when you knew you didn’t love me. I hate you for choosing to live next door and acting ‘surprise’ or ‘upset’ that you’ll see me; I’m tired of having to tip-toe around so that I wouldn’t see you, I’m not hiding anymore because I’m tired of caring of how me just doing my own thing affects you. 

In the end though, I don’t really hate you, I know every reason(listed above) I should hate you but I can’t. I don’t care anymore though.

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

June 14, 2022

Burn letters number 4,5, & 6; more crying and letting go of some anger that I guess hadn’t been added to the past ones, it’s weird that even in letters I can’t just be angry at her. Making excuses as to what I could’ve done to stop this, but the relationship wasn’t just me it wasn’t just her… it was US and it seems like somewhere along the way that was lost, the mindset the feelings, and now though we are two different people separate that is a past that will connect us. Soon I hope to cute this metaphorical thread that connects our souls, though in my dreams I see that it’s not a little red thread that I could just pull apart or simply just snip and it’s gone, no longer tying me to you, you know what it is? It’s a fucking rope, the kind you used to tie heavy items, or maybe even in place of a chain for an anchor, I tried to visualize myself cutting it, I could picture the thread but it was like out of Hercules when the Fates tried to cut his thread and it turned to gold because he was a God, like no matter how much I sniped away at it, it wouldn’t split. It felt like such a heartbreaking moment, begging myself to just try and try again, because it’s all I want, to cut those ties between us, to let myself go farther than the thread has allowed me, why can’t I just do it? What kind of spell do you have on me? What did I get myself into? Whatever that part of me that holds onto you so tightly, please just stop I’m so tired.

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

A year in review! Bye chapter 25 and hello chapter 26!

If you’re reading this sorry for the long post but also thank you for making my year not completely horrible. 

Year 25 literally started with me getting my heartbroken in the process of moving into a new and much smaller space, being pretty overweight because I let myself go in my relationship; all of this also causing my self-esteem to crash, thinking that I wasn’t good enough, thinking maybe if I was prettier and a bunch of other stuff than I wouldn’t have gotten my heart broken. Maybe I was better, maybe if I tried harder, maybe if I wasn’t so sad, maybe this and maybe that; full of what if’s and what could have been. But we can’t live like that right? In the past that doesn’t exist if I or anyone or anything was different. The past year has made me see how many ways there are to heal and how healing isn’t linear and there are a lot, and I mean A LOT, of downs, but there are also a lot of good moments even if you don’t see it in the moment. Sometimes people give you advice and tips that you don’t want to hear or accept, but everyone just wants to help in their own way, you don’t have to take it all, but you should at least listen because in all those words and all these thoughts some will be very helpful down the road. I have learned to feel my feelings, even when that means crying most of the day. A quote that I saw in a movie: “sometimes it’s easier to be angry than sad”, I felt that because even though I couldn’t get myself to be angry at her, I was so angry with myself and angry at how I felt about everything when it came to her and the thought of her. In the beginning of my healing I really wanted to lose weight and become this great version of myself to prove how much better I was than her, to somehow ‘win’ her back, then I realized that it wasn’t the right way to heal, or the best reason to want to be better, when that clicked I just wanted to give up because what’s the point, no point in healing or being better, sometimes it still feels like that; pointless. However, there are days when I realize that I’m not doing this for her, but for myself and my future and what it holds. I began to think that the goal was not to be better than her, but to be better than I was yesterday, to always seek improvement even if it’s small. I started going back to help out with my church’s youth group, reconnecting with my faith, opening up my soul for healing as well. Thank you to my friends, close and far, for always being there when I just want to complain and cry about how this year has just been extra hard, for telling me that it’s okay but also helping me see that it won’t always be like this. Some of you may not know this but you have kept me from digging myself deeper and deeper into a dark hole, you are the reason that I wake up and try again tomorrow, because tomorrow could be better and if it’s not, well there’s another tomorrow waiting. Thank you for sharing those good moments, and hard moments that you face too, showing me that not everything will be perfect or okay all the time, that everyone has hardships and that’s what connects us, the good times and bad times, that’s what makes us human, it’s okay to hurt but it’s also okay to laugh, to cry, to smile, to just keep trying even when you mess up. Thank you for a not so bad year, and here’s to 26!

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

3/28/22 | 3/29/22 | 3/30/22 | 3/31/22 | 4/1/22 | 4/2/22 | 4/3/22 | 4/4/22 | 4/5/22 | 4/6/22 | 4/7/22

Days 27-37

I didn’t think that I would miss that many days, just have had a lot of Classwork to do, lately I’ve been feeling pretty drained, just from work, school, friends, gym… just everything seems pointless and I’m not sure if this is just another one of my birthday life crisis (29 more days). Or if this sadness from what I know is a couple of weeks from now. Part of me hopes that maybe she’ll wish me a happy birthday… I know it won’t happen but still I just wish for the same thing every 11:11, 22:22, & 12:34. This just takes so much of my energy and I just want it to stop, it doesn’t matter. I’m ready for nice weather so I can just run my problems away, let them flow with the wind. Anyway lent is almost over and I sucked at keeping track of this. But I also recently decided to impulsively buy some blanks dog tags and metal stamp some things for my friends… I’m excited

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

Day 26 (3/27/21)

I guess I was right, I like being right but part of me hoped I wasn’t. I don’t get the mind games, but I love them, the way they make me feel. It’s weird. I guess I’ll always be a contradiction, that’s just me always on one extreme, one day I’ll learn balance. I’ll have the middle ground. Takes a lot but I have to stop it. I have to not let you play those games with me. I want you, I want your attention even if it’s in a weird indirect way, I want it, because in a way I have you, but this isn’t good. It was never good messing with each other’s head maybe that’s what made it fun, until one of us got bored until we got feelings. Well I’m bored of this game, I don’t want to play anymore. So again from my soul to yours, if you want to connect do it in person, not in my dreams, not behind a screen. I’m done.

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

Day 24 (3/25/22)

Today was alright, kinda busy but that’s because it was Friday. Just trying to survive the weekend. Tomorrows the day.

Day 25 (3/26/22)

Busy busy morning/afternoon got like two minutes to breathe and then I had work. Had a little retreat with the confirmation kids at church. Had a little exam of self to see which spiritual gift we ‘used’ or ‘displayed’ the most, mine was teaching which I guess kinda surprised me. But then it clicked a bit and the kids said they really like me as a teacher/ adult leader because I make it seem more fun then just learning. And honestly that made me pretty happy. Todays her birthday, so being busy was definitely for the best. Gonna do a little burn letter to get thoughts out of my head. Some things are too deep for them to be posted. I prayed for her and for God to give me more clarity and understanding of why this has happened. Happy birthday {M}.

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

Day 20 (3/21/22)

My class started today, but I forgot to get by books so I had to do the trial that was available until I get my book on Wednesday. Definitely have to get that resume ready for the summer now. March is already over basically

Day 21 (3/22/22)

Today wasn’t too bad, I sat down and finished up all of the work I had due for the week. I wish that I didn’t have to wait for the next module to open up. Oh well

Day 22 (3/23/22)

Got the book today for my accounting class. But all my work is done for the week so I worked on the confirmation letters, I also noticed AFTER printing them that I misspelled a word, oops. But now that’s out of the way, just have to put them in the envelopes and they’re ready for Saturday.

Day 23 (3/24/22)

This whole week I’ve been trying to just keep my mind busy and busier than ever, I know what happens in two days, part of me keeps going ‘buy her this, send her that, write her something ’ I think that part of me is still in denial after a year. Good thing I’ll be busy for her birthday, away from the apartments, away from her. No excuse to try to see her. Just don’t do it future me. It’s not worth it anymore.

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

Day 14(3/15/22)

This day wasn’t too bad, I wasn’t able to sleep at first but eventually went to sleep and had a dream where I saw cars crashing, I wasn’t involved and I didn’t see anyone I knew in the accident so the dream interpretations weren’t really useful I guess

Day 15 (3/16/22)

Went to bed at almost 2, just more sleepless nights I guess, but today we learned more about praying the rosary which was pretty nice. I had a dream about choices, well I had three people I promised could row the canoe with me, but I forgot it only fit four people and I only had space for 1 more person. I was confused but I don’t think it was about who I picked but more as to what the person represented.

Day 16 (3/17/22)

A light day at the gym today, I keep having a bit of pain but nothing that I can’t ignore. What’s a little limp anyway? I’m hoping overtime the functional training will help, I’ve had a lot of my head again

Day 17 (3/18/22)

Busy day at work, the weather was finally nice outside so I was able to go for a jog, only did 1.5 mile but it felt like a lot more, definitely have to condition myself back up to two miles and then hopefully 2.5

Day 18 (3/19/22)

Another nice day, I can’t wait for the temperature to stay up consistently, had another jog but had to stop a little over 1/2 way through and sit because of my ankle, finished and then walked for a bit. Overall not too bad of a day. Went over to a friend’s place and was able to chat for a bit, it’s not like i was gonna get much sleep anyway. Told them a bit about my theory/mystery game.

Day 19 (3/20/22)

Overall can’t complain. I took out the money from my bouncy ball machine since it’s time to buy more, as well as taking out the change I had in my bucket, it was a little over $92. But also another thing happened; I saw Muirgheal, I was tempted to say hello, but decided against it last second, it wouldn’t do any good anyway, she would just ignore me or just think I’m SO into her, but what she did still just makes me so upset, don’t even know what to think of her anymore.

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

Day 13 (3/14/22)

Doing this a bit early today so there may be a part 2 who knows.

The thought from last night’s sleepless episode(slept at 4am) and the first thought of today have pretty much just been the question of shutting every horn off, going numb as I call it. But I haven’t been ‘her’ in a while, it’s weird talking about that part of myself in 3rd person but sometimes I don’t know who I am when I do that. All I know it’s the worst version of me, the part that doesn’t care what happens to me(but that’s most of the time) the scary part is not caring about the people around me, I’m too reckless to have them close so I push them away, but some people are too nice and don’t go away so I hurt them so that they do. I want to shut it off, but coming back is always hard and full of regret.

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

Day 12 (3/13/22)

All I’ve done today is numbing myself, to not feel angry or sad because that leads to anger; at least that’s always the case for me. I can’t even get myself to write, because that means feeling shit I don’t want to feel. Tomorrow I’m calling my therapist office and starting more frequent visits again. I can’t get bad again, I don’t know if I can handle it.

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

Day 11 (3/12/22)

Today just sucked ass, well with the exception of how it ended. But man I had just been depressed all day and then my head just likes to keep fucking with me and going back and forth and back and forth with being the bigger person and honestly just decided to not give a fuck about anything any more.

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

Day 10 (3/11/22)

There’s always that constant voice in my head, “text her” “contact her” all the time. It hurts, I hate it, I just want it to go away. I just know it’s going to win. Just be silent, please for one night; for one day.

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

Day 1 (3/2/22)

Today was a hard day, just trying to kill time, feeling like a can’t breathe when I have nothing to do, it’s so draining

Day 2 (3/3/22)

Today I had my final exam for my accounting class, that’s good, 1. My mind was kept busy trying to get a good grade 2. It means the class is over ( I got 203/203, nice). Last night I debating smoking, just because I had that test but also it’s the only way I don’t dream of her.

Day 3 (3/4/22)

Today was my sister’s birthday, she’s 19, that still sounds so weird to think about.

- she popped into my head again, over and over again, I just want to scream, but I can’t, I just have a single tear fall from my eye.

Day 4 (3/5/22)

Today… today sucked, couldn’t stop thinking, about everything, I hate it, it’s been months, the worst is it’s not going to get better, I hate always thinking about the days, I hate remembering what everything is. …3 weeks and she’ll be 25. Wish I could celebrate with her.

Day 5 (3/6/22)

Today was going to be the day I went back to the gym but I started feeling sick, it was a pretty nice day too, it sucks, all I wanted to do was go on a jog, but I felt like I couldn’t breathe, my ankle wasn’t being too nice either. I was thinking of her too, so I just slept the evening away

Day 6 (3/7/22)

Today I went to the mall, got some new Lego keychains for my keys, makes it feel less lonely I guess. The drives are so lonely, I hate it. I play games with myself and I guess the spirit or universe, jokingly saying if you show me these numbers then I’ll call her… I’ll email her, I’ll text, I’ll knock on that stupid door… then those numbers appear, like some cruel joke, because I know I’ll never have the courage to actually call, to try to see her. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want to be hurt or because I really want to try to give her space.

Day 7 (3/8/22)

Today, I was able to sleep in, that felt nice, I didn’t do anything besides finish up an excel sheet and sleep. Good day. Finally

Day 8 (3/9/22)

Finally, went to the gym, it felt so nice, even though my legs hurt for a bit, it was so nice to finally get back in there, did I cry after because overthinking.. yes, but that’s okay

Day 9(3/10/22)

Today, went to the gym, again, definitely getting back into things, hoping to hit my goal weight soon, sometimes I feel so bad. Scared that I’ll get back to that point, I let myself get to 168.8… that’s SO heavy for someone my height, started the journey at 158.9 and now roughly at 143.4, I don’t want to get that bad again. Maybe looking like a badass will get her back… doubt it. A lot more than just my physical needs to change. Sadly the mind is a lot harder to fix.

All caught up, now I’ll post daily.

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

Obviously haven’t been on here for a while, since it’s been a week and a day into lent and I suck at sticking with my journal I’ll type on here all the intrusive thoughts I’ve had the past few days

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

Nothing at all

I haven’t written in a while, like in a really long time, and I’m trying to get back into it, but I guess first I have to get some more inspiration. My relationship just ended and I guess I should be heartbroken or sad or whatever, but what’s confusing is that I don’t feel anything at all and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad sign. Guess I’ll find out soon enough

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

Done

Sometimes I just want to be done. Done with feeling sad, and letting negative feeling overwhelmed me. It makes me cry and then be upset with myself for crying which just leads to more crying, it's just an endless cycle. At least it's the last few weeks of the semester and then I can kinda relax, and only work for most of the summer.

[writing-is-my-1-escape]

Turning point

I seem to have a turning point every year. But this year feels different. I feel so happy, the happiest I've been in a while. Maybe I won't mess it up this time. Maybe everything will be okay. I haven't felt this way in so long. It feels like discovering love all over again and it's so scary and exciting. -LIFE | I.M