worldofozonho

[worldofozonho]

a little vent

i still cant get over my need for attention from someone. ive become so relient on it and ive realised its because as i grew up parental/maternal affection and presence wasnt really preasant. ive been 'depirved' of it that i started relying so much on other people to fill in that void.

in the past i wouldve said that im used and prefer being alone. its a lie. i cant handle being alone, i cant handle being isolated with unarchived thoughts, bottle up emotions that have been pushed back.

ive been neglecting taking care of myself, but rather putting so much energy to try making people stay just because their attention temporarily filled the void. i crave attention from people that i ended up breaking with my ex twice just because he gave me attention. i ended hurting him, six months i expect for him to get over me but i need to understand that he is human, i hurt his feeling i take the guilt for it.

i dont even know what to say, my thoughts are just jumbled. maybe im just taking blame for all the problems that have occurred as i grew up just to make things less complicated

i want to cry, i want someone to hear my thoughts as i say them with my own mouht

i want father to understand that he is guilty of traumatising me. the fact ive stayed silent for so many years because my own siblings didnt believe me when i told them what he did. that my mother still let me come back to this country despite what he did to me.

i take all the blame.

its my fault for not telling another adult, but who would beilive the words of a child?

its my fault mother hasnt spoken about it to father because i told her to keep to a secret. she listened to my words

i dont know what to do with myself ro my emotionts. i want to disappear, delete all the social media apps just i have not a chance of looking fro people to talk to. i want to cry but its not working. i just want someones hug as i cryaway my frustration.

i just to feel at peace with myself

[worldofozonho]

an unorganised appreciation to mother

A memory camee to me while i was scrolling through pinterest.

This year during my vacation, while i kept my mother and new born sister company, my mother and we are have alight conversation about my age (F18) and she told me that she often forgets ive reached the age of an adult. in her eyes i am still a baby to her. i love her for that. i dont know what is, maybe it's because i live so far from her but when she treats me like her baby i feel so loved.

she later said to me that i can start setting goals that i want to accomplish as adult. my mother is myy motivation. i love her, i love her as a best friend, i lover her as a sister, my love her is my motivation. i love her as my mother. i love my mother and words cannot express how grateful and lucky i am to have her as my mother, the only parent figure that has supported me so far even when i neglected communicating with her due to a one-sided misunerstanding on my part. i love my mother dearly.

it makes me happy to know i am a piece of her.