worldinshadows

[worldinshadows]

I wish this was easier for me. I don't know what goes through your mind nor can I read between the lines of the mixed messages you keep sending me.

I wish I knew what I was in for. Blank signs pave the way to what looks to be nowhere yet I still follow their guidance with my heart in hand believing maybe you do care; that I'm stashed somewhere in the chambers of your heart.

I don't know why I believe you. I know what it is like to be second-best. I see myself marching towards the podium, crestfallen beside the thought of genuine love wondering what fool decided to compete in a race for nothing but a chance to be noticed by you.

I want to be understood and heard But even more so, I crave consistency-- Someone who keeps to their word. So why am I writing these chapters on your behalf as if filling these blank pages will somehow dispel your ghosts from haunting the graveyard of my thoughts. How could I miss someone I had never met? Did my longing for human connection disconnect me from reality? Did you bewitch me with those sweet nothings and fairy tale dreams? Or did I truly see something in you that rekindled my weary embers of hope?

I suppose I will never know but every night the snow feels ever colder beside the fireplace when you are not here.

[worldinshadows]

Caretaker

Dear kind caretaker of my soul, thank you for your patience while I grow old. Though it has taken too many years to recognise and face these childhood fears, I’m glad I can see that what I need now is self-compassion, love, and to allow myself to see that childhood me had tried his best to protect himself from the confusing mess that was the painful love when mum had to go, when you woke up at night and were all alone, when all you wanted was someone by your side to make you feel safe when you wanted to cry.

Perhaps you already knew far long before that childhood me wanted love and nothing more but the love outside felt paper thin I couldn’t stop loneliness from breaking in. And there you saw where I began to start to use distance to look after my childhood heart. From highs and lows in my day-to-day to a bandwidth of feelings filtered away After all, if all emotions will inevitably pass, why feel anything if it will never last? Teachers used to say I was mature for my age, but perhaps it was just nihilism in its beginning stage. If only I had learned earlier that this was not okay for a child to self-regulate their excitement while they play or come to terms with sadness and being on their own but sadly no one knew, and no one could’ve known.

Although quite distant you were still there to guide me through my older years. In recent times where I felt lost, or alone, abandoned, double-crossed, you are the gentle flame that tries to reminds me that life will get better and I should treat me kindly. With your help, I can now take better care of the man who once thought he did not belong here, of the man who strove to give himself away so that he felt other people wanted him to stay. Perhaps long overdue was this journey of self-growth, but in the end, we made it, and that is what matters most.

[worldinshadows]

It’s amusing how I can go from feeling hopeless one day and then feeling good about myself the next. Figured it’s important to journal about these days too.

I’m glad I’ve grown. I’m glad I’m more empathetic and understanding of people. I can see it in how I talk with how much nicer I’ve been. It feels more sincere and nice to know that I allow people to feel safe when being vulnerable. This is the sort of person I wanted to be since I was young. I aspired to be this type of person but I can recognise younger me had muddled his self-interests in the way too. I think maturity is recognising where I do have self-interests and trying to either disassociate myself from them or be up-front and honest about them.

I think something else I pride myself in is my patience and calmness. I want to create a calm aura around me. An environment where people are encouraged to clarify details and know that it is okay to not know how to properly string together their thoughts. Emotions are tough to understand and even tougher to explain and I want people to feel like it’s okay to throw words out there even if they aren’t coherent.

I want to encourage people to be their authentic selves and to not feel obligated to talk, Silence is okay. It doesn’t mean it’s awkward. It’s fine to not talk.

I’m glad I can see myself growing in these areas. While I have low moments, at least I also have things I can take pride in as well.

[worldinshadows]

This sadness and anxiety is paralytic. I just... don’t feel like doing anything; however, I know that by not doing anything, I’m spiraling deeper and deeper into anxiety and depression.

But I just don’t know what to do.

I journal, I write, I try to distract myself with games and exercise, but ultimately, I still feel its grasp around me in the time that remains. It’s this persistent foreboding feeling of being ‘alone’. Sharing time with just me in isolation brings about these feelings of criticism and overthinking. I hate it. I don’t want to think about these things. I don’t want to continue making myself sad and projecting my worries and fears onto other people.

I suppose it’s a feeling I’ve never really been accustomed to. I feel like throughout my life, I’ve either had a crush to distract myself from ...myself, or I’ve been dating which accomplishes something similar. It’s something that shifts the focus away from me to someone else. Now that all this is gone, I’m just... left with myself again.

The worst part this time is I feel like I can directly see the effects of my self-sabotage or my anxieties affecting the people around me. I feel like I ruined something that could’ve been fine if I had stopped projecting my insecurities. I feel like my anxieties manifest as self-fulfilling prophecies where I tempt reality into whatever negative outcome I expect because my brain thinks ‘it makes sense’. Maybe it would’ve inevitably gone down this route, but I do think I’ve made it considerably worse by bringing up my fears the way I did especially when you’ve given me no reason to believe them.

I don’t really know what to do. Both with regard to the anxiety as well as what is happening with you. Do I pass the time until you get back and hope for the best? Will you even want to talk to me or hang out with me? Will you be interested in someone else or not be interested in me anymore? What happens if nothing happens and I’m, in the end, left to my own devices again?

These are the thoughts that go through my head and they’re all... things that I can’t answer. Things that no one can answer. A lot can happen in 2 months. All I want at the end of the day is to be comfortable being alone without looking for a distraction. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin when I’m single with no crushes. I don’t want to feel so dependent on other people.

[worldinshadows]

Portrait

If I trace my fears finger- tight around the edges, keeping it between the lines, would I eventually find myself back to you? Perhaps if I let the ink steep into these delicate fibres would it instead bare my true colours that I never knew? Or would the ink run besmirch all to its name terrified and cornered precarious stains all over while it bleeds through turning canvases into unrecognisable splotches and smudges an inconsolable amalgamation Or maybe I should lay my pen down and leave my palette empty before I ruin another portrait of me.

[worldinshadows]

Why am I so distrusting of people? I feel like everyone is trying to hide something from me. Why do I have this fear? Why is the feeling so overwhelming now? Was I like this before? I feel so skeptical of what people say about subjective elements such as how they view me as a person or whether I am annoying or too much for them.

I feel like I am searching for evidence behind every statement and action. If someone compliments me, I look to see if their actions match what they say. I reflect and think about if someone’s attitude towards me has changed. If there isn’t enough evidence to support it, I ...dismiss it. I don’t accept the compliment or their reassurance.

I hate it. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t like being so cynical. I get that I’ve always been a critical person but this doesn’t make me happy. I want to trust people. I want to believe in people. I want to allow myself to feel vulnerable. I don’t want to feel on guard all the time wondering why everyone and everything might justifiably hate me. I hate it.

I want to accept love from people. At this rate, unconditional love might as well be a myth for me. I don’t want to overthink anymore. I want to live life as simply as I can and stop worrying about all the details: details most people don’t even think about at all. I feel like I am always so caught up on the exceptions and the ‘what ifs’. What if this person is actually lying to me? What if this person considered this already? What if they’re saying this to make me trust them more?

I want to take life easy. I want to relax.

Please. I want to believe in you.

[worldinshadows]

I have mixed feelings towards meeting up.

It’s made everything feel a bit heavier and bittersweet. I don’t know if you feel the same. I suppose what I was actually hoping for was something more ... mechanical. More lifeless. I expected us to catch up as a way to give each others’ belongings back as opposed to actually catch up about what’s happened in our lives. I wanted to avoid thinking about what could have been or how you are doing because I know it would all be things I would think and dwell on.

I’m glad you feel better. I’m glad you’re re-exploring and re-learning what you enjoy. I’m glad you’re able to feel a sense of comfort or reassurance that we can at least still be friends. I mean this with utmost sincerity. In another sense, I feel it’s also natural to feel sad when hearing that you’re doing better. It really... accentuates how much I affected you, either directly or indirectly. Another element of this is that hearing you talk about what’s gone on in your life forces me to confront the reality that time is passing: We grieve, we grow, and we move on. We dream of a relationship, of memories, that lasts forever; yet our forever can be reduced to embers in a matter of minutes. It’s this grave contrast between feeling like nothing is changing during the relationship to our lives changing in a matter of months that serves as a reminder that life well and truly goes on.

In a similar vein, hearing how different your life is now makes me wonder whether it was all a matter of timing. Would we have been a healthier couple if we met this year? I feel that being at different stages of life during a relationship can have pretty substantial effects on how a relationship turns out. Different stages of life teach you different values and mold you into very different versions of yourself. People who are in university think very differently to people who are out of university / working. People who have dated think very differently to people who haven’t. People who have lived alone think very differently to people who haven’t. From 2020 onwards, I was in a different stage of life to you: I was properly out of university and was working while you were still studying. We had different views on learning and stresses. I’d dare say you probably noticed that my view on life and maybe personality changed a bit after leaving university. I was very much fixated on my studies and made it a priority in my life; whereas after working, I thought that my prior focus on studies was a bit pointless and misguided. Hearing you share your thoughts about how life is after university and how it feels like ‘being on the other side’ in a hospital made me think you’re perhaps realising something similar. Us being at similar stages in life may have reduced a bit of conflict since we would probably have more similar views towards stresses and such, but who knows.

When you said you were glad we can still catch up and have lunch and that how we are right now was probably the best outcome we could have got, I can’t help but feel sad about that too. Maybe it‘s from me not having fully processed what happened in the relationship, but I just don’t know if we would actually catch up anymore after this. Would we really want to talk to each other and (potentially) hear how much happier we are in our own lives? I feel like we’d observe each other from afar and feel a similar bittersweet happiness as we do now. I don’t think it’s worth pretending or hiding the feeling that, perhaps in another timeline, we’d be the source of each others’ happiness.

I suppose the last lingering feeling I have is I don’t know if we would ever really forgive each other. Even though life goes on, we remember very specific parts of the relationship that hurt us. There are things you will inevitably blame me for and hold as reminders for your future relationships, and similarly for me. I still feel like I was a vessel for you to take out your stress and anxiety. I still feel like the majority of hurt and stress I experienced were a result from you. I still feel sad that despite trying to persist throughout the pain, I was met with more pain as opposed to a feeling of hope. I am acutely aware that I still internally blame you for what I experienced. I don’t want it to be that way but I don’t see how it could change, not anymore at least. We both have our reasons for why we did what we did, regardless of whether they were good reasons; and similarly, we both have our reasons for why we still feel how we feel. While it’s cathartic to forgive, let go, and start anew, I think that would still be years down the line from now.

At the very least, I can be honest and say that the one thing that took me aback was your sincerity when you said you hoped I was happy and doing okay. It caught me off-guard. It isn’t something easy to say, especially to someone who has hurt you and who you have hurt. It’s an acknowledgement of what has happened and also wishing them the best, with the acceptance that ‘the best’ might mean you aren’t a part of their life anymore. I appreciate it. Thank you.

[worldinshadows]

I do hope you’re doing okay.

This hasn’t been easy on either of us, I’m sure.

It’s probably more apt for us to observe each other’s lives from a distance currently, but I do hope you’re managing okay. I hope any negative influences that I’ve had on you have lessened now and that life is heading in a more positive direction. I think you’ve been through an extraordinarily tough journey through university and I pray that work is comparatively less stressful and exhausting.

It’s interesting because mentally, there’s some part of me that thinks I should be ambivalent towards what is going on in your life and how you’re doing. However, I think that’s going against who I am as a person. As much as the memories may hurt me sometimes, you’ve still played an important part in my life thus far. I did spend a while deliberating whether I should check in with you regarding the floods but I didn’t want to potentially interfere with your healing nor hurt you any further given what you’ve said.

There’s some element of growth in realising that exes or people that were in our lives should not be scapegoated for some temporary sense of peace. Peace in this regard can only be obtained if we’re truly honest with ourselves about how we feel.

[worldinshadows]

I’ve incidentally been reading articles / subreddits on relationships and anxiety and there have been some pretty useful excerpts on how to manage or approach difficult situations.

One’s from Positive Intelligence classifying negative thoughts as saboteurs (which was recommended by a work colleague) and how identifying negative aspects of ourselves can help with tackling them. The other thing was about the notion of ‘quiet quitting’ in a relationship and how difficult it becomes to rescue a relationship once someone has checked out of one. To quote the article, ‘ambivalence in a relationship is actually a terminal issue’ and that, without quick intervention or dedication from both parties to resolve it, the relationship will quickly just fall apart.

While I wonder what might’ve happened if we were both on the same page, it was painful to endure. I wondered why I was in such a painful relationship for a long time and whether things will change. I tried to persevere and have hope that things will get better but the hurt eroded me, slowly but surely.

Links for reference:

https://www.positiveintelligence.com/saboteurs/

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/what-happens-when-quiet-quitting-hits-a-relationship/DYXF74PFL5EABIEL4BOYEDDUPM/

[worldinshadows]

The reality is, when you look back on everything, we clearly did love each other. We definitely showed that we cared about each other.

It’s not that I stopped loving you, it’s that I couldn’t love you whilst loving myself. I felt like I had to make too many sacrifices to love you. I’d like to think my resilience, perseverance, and endurance were indicators of how much I loved you or cared about you. It’s one of those things where if I described why I stayed or endured or pushed through 2020 / 2021, it’d primarily be because I loved you. There were probably toxic elements blended within them such as a fear of loneliness or attachment issues, but I’d be inclined to say that the very process of enduring what I had to endure yet still looking ahead towards a brighter future showed that I loved you.

This isn’t to say that love was healthy. Healthy love is one of those things that we come to understand with time. In my mind, healthy love is one where you are willing to sacrifice yourself for your partner without fearing that you will lose yourself. It’s something we both didn’t find during the relationship but we were definitely on the right path. Alas, the damage from unhealthy love can sometimes be insurmountable.

[worldinshadows]

Without the noise of everyday life and time spent with friends, all that’s left is the omnipresent feeling of loneliness. Recognition that you’re alone with no respite from the person you’re used to talking to.

I suppose that’s something only time can heal.

[worldinshadows]

In reflection, after reading my previous post as well as the posts from 2021 when we broke up, the one thing I can be at peace with is that this time, both of us agree this relationship wasn’t working.

I think more things would’ve changed if both of us wanted the relationship to work. Looking back at the things I’ve written in 2019 - 2021, they’re pretty similar to what I talk about now. While we both have grown and have changed, it is apparent that the crux of the issue in our relationship has not.

Whether you explicitly said this or not, it was apparent you did not want to continue dating a lot earlier than me. Your tendency to pull away later on in the relationship as well as hesitancy when it comes to compromises with an uncertain outcome were indications that I should’ve picked up on. While I did still have hope and wanted to persevere through, I think my naivete led me to believe things could change despite how the fuel that drove our relationship had already burnt out.

[worldinshadows]

I think what makes me sad is how everything simultaneously felt so avoidable yet unavoidable, especially near the end. 

I was at a point where I just wanted to feel like we were dating--just any semblance that we were dating. I wanted to feel happy talking to you or doing things with you. I wanted the looming clouds of conflict to peter away. I feel like I raised my concerns with you clearly as well as the importance behind those concerns. I outlined why this was important to me and reassured that after these clouds fade, I won’t require this type of reassurance any time soon. I understand some of my needs at the time were the opposite to what you needed for your independence--I was fully conscious of that and wanted to ensure that I will accommodate for them after feeling like we were still... something.

In that period of time, I truly felt like we were something akin to flatmates; however, as I said, it felt worse than that because you’d never talk to your flatmates the way you talked to me. You’d never feel as upset with them as you did with me. I wanted the ability to have a normal conversation with you without anxiety affecting either of us. I wanted to be able to connect with you and so desperately feel something from you that wasn’t animosity.

Maybe you didn’t realise how significant this was to me or how much arguments like the one we had at Little & Easy affected me. It truly crushed me. Imagine praying all this time for a sign that things will be better and I am greeted with an argument. I felt like my hope was weathering away alongside my happiness. I felt so lost and unsure of what to do. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to be happy with you but after what transpired within a week of you coming back from a 3-week long vacation, I realised I had to choose between my happiness and the relationship.

Everything felt avoidable because I felt like we both knew what we needed. You needed space and independence, and I needed something that communicated that *we* were something. You needed empathy and reassurance; I needed empathy and reassurance. Yet, in the end, we both did not have our needs met. Maybe that’s just life and bad timing on both our ends. Maybe that’s just life.

[worldinshadows]

I feel sad.

Maybe I never learnt how to be alone.

It feels so lonely. So lonesome. No one to turn to for comfort. Just the solemn refuge of my thoughts. Of isolation.

I know it’s better this way. It pains me to say it, but I do think it’s better this way. The fights we had have scarred me. I sometimes wake up in a panic. Even now. I am afraid of you. I am scared of feeling so inadequate and helpless in fights. I am terrified of how anger manifests. I feel so sad that I desperately wished for us to stop fighting. I placed so much hope into that wish. I wanted it so badly that I put myself on the line in the name of progress. I felt so fragile. My hope were my crutches, and with every fight, my hope dwindled.

I am crestfallen. I submit myself to the pain of giving up, of accepting that I cannot endure what I had promised. Perhaps I’m selfish: I could not withstand it anymore so I gave up. Maybe I needed to give up. Maybe this was a cruel lesson of setting and enforcing boundaries. If I didn’t give up, perhaps there would be nothing left of me to give anymore.

I feel empty. I want acceptance. I want kindness. I want softness. I want to feel safe. I feel so vulnerable. I felt so vulnerable. I miss you but I can’t accept the pain I have to put myself through.

I wish it wasn’t this way but I don’t see how else it could end.

[worldinshadows]

Take control. She doesn’t know thoughts scattered too many worries stresses paralysis.

You are no Romeo do not succumb to her own poison. You know what you want. Take control and save us.

[worldinshadows]

me

It’s been interesting reading more into psychology, thought processes, and attachment theory as well as self-reflection of what sort of person I am / was. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if I had my own abandonment issues. It’d make sense since, when I was young, I’ve always felt abandoned or neglected by my parents whether it’s from being left home alone until 9 pm because e.g. my dad is working or my parents are out, or from my mum intermittently being in my childhood. I still remember the dread of waking up from a nap to a pitch black house where I couldn’t find my dad (and my mum was in China at the time), crying and feeling scared and alone. I still remember the sadness I felt when I woke up on the days I knew my mum would fly to China. I felt close with my mum but maybe that’s because she provided the love and support that I lacked from my dad; however, it did make the reality of her intermittently staying in NZ very painful. I remember always asking when my mum would be back in NZ and looking forward to when she’d be back. I don’t doubt this, alongside my dad being absent most of the time due to work, made me grow fearful of abandonment but simultaneously fearful of getting attached to someone because they might leave (as people have always done in my life). 

I wouldn’t be surprised if I emotionally shut myself off from the world because of the aforementioned fear of abandonment / being fearful of getting close to someone because they might leave. After all, if I didn’t properly emotionally invest in people, I couldn’t get hurt. I actually also distinctly remember being told by my mum to never feel too excited or happy about an achievement because there’s always something better to aim for (i.e. don’t get complacent); however, because she told me this when I was young and proud of something at the time, it subsequently made me think that I just shouldn’t be excited or happy about my accomplishments. I remember being asked at Mathex in Year 9 or 10 why I don’t seem as excited or amped as my friends and I remember thinking about the exact conversation my mum had with me about excitement. In reflection, I feel like that conversation really messed me up because I found myself actively muting my feelings with things like ‘this is to be expected’ or ‘I can always do better’. This, alongside my ‘logical’ self really made me a lot less connected with what I felt emotionally. I was still aware of the emotions I felt but I had so many mechanisms in place to dampen them down that, realistically, the only way I felt anything was when I was actively trying to feel it (e.g. when I’m writing something) or there was a really sudden change.

With this in mind, I really do think I have / had an anxious-avoidant attachment style. I want validation and I want to feel loved---I want assurance that my partner loves me and appreciate me. You could say I want this because I want assurance that my partner won’t leave me or abandon me. I’d treat abandonment, even outside of a relationship, as something more like I am not good enough as a person--I’d always find a way of turning the reason into something against myself. The cruel partner to this is how the avoidant attachment style makes me feel reluctant or hesitant to feel the full range of emotions that I feel. If I received love, no matter how much I appreciate or value it, I’d cap it at a level that makes me feel secure because maybe, to me, that was most important because it satiated my anxious attachment style. I wouldn’t want myself to feel too attached with my feelings because it’d worsen my fear of abandonment and my desire of security. After all, the deeper in love you are, the more you pray the foundation is solid enough to stop you from falling. Eventually, I probably became resistant or callous to intense love or emotions, that it doesn’t really make sense to me because I’ve just locked that side of me away for so long. This would also explain why I ‘suddenly’ show a deeper intensity of emotions when this security that I’ve relied upon feels threatened and it’d also explain the cruel cyclical nature I subject my partner to where I eventually ‘pull away’ because the secure foundation is restored. 

While this isn’t directly related to the anxious-avoidant attachment style, I also wouldn’t be surprised if the anxious side of it is why I am an optimistic pessimist. It was probably a coping mechanism that I developed over time to adapt to the crushing feelings of hopelessness, inadequacy, and low self-esteem that I constantly felt (particularly during high school cause parental expectations and comparisons between me and my brother). If I had to make a comment about which attachment style I developed first, I’d say I initially had an anxious style that developed into an avoidant style to cope with the fear of abandonment / protect myself from pain / disappointment (and maybe I used said optimism to cope with intense feelings of sadness). I definitely do recognise that I sometimes feel arrogant but I suspect that’s more of a compensatory push-back from constant feelings of low self-worth as opposed to genuine narcissism. An anxious attachment style would also explain why I hold onto or get carried away with happy moments since I desperately want to hold onto them to try and build a secure foundation for myself. 

It’s fascinating to unravel how deeply some childhood experiences or upbringing have affected me. It’s equally fascinating to witness how I’m also changing from breaking up. As unbelievable as it sounds, I really do feel like I am on the verge of ‘overcoming’ my avoidant attachment style purely because I feel like I’ve ‘tamed’ the usually intense but inevitably fleeting emotion that comes with sudden abandonment / loss. It’s kind of like mind-muscle control except it’s more mind-emotion control where I am re-familiarising and re-processing these intense emotions but with the wisdom of understanding that it’s okay to feel this way, that I can’t run away from intense feelings no matter how much I blunt it, and that intense feelings are nothing to be scared of, Recovering my full emotional spectrum essentially restores myself to a state where I don’t devolve myself to anti-social behaviours and instead take more responsibility in my actions and how they affect the people around me. However, the consequence of overcoming this is that it does let my anxious attachment style run more amok when it comes to self-worth and a need for validation. Hopefully explicitly addressing or writing these feelings and their sources and manifestations would allow me to precisely target and resolve the root-cause issues that I encounter. It feels like it’s demystified elements of what i feel and who I am so I’m certain it will. 

[worldinshadows]

I have learnt so much from being with you, from not being with you, and from you as a person.

I feel so much difficulty in trying to make you both happy in what you want as well as happy in what you feel. You could be asking for one more episode of a show constantly but internally, your mind is saying you’ll be happier if you sleep; if I follow the former, then your mind will be upset. If I follow the latter, then your heart will be upset.

What surprises me and catches me off-guard the most is how you can switch from being happy because your heart is happy to angry because you feel like I’m jeopardising your sleep / not valuing you as a person within 30 seconds. When you ask for my explanations or justifications, the honest truth is, in addition to the eternal conflict between me trying to make you happy in what you want as well as what you feel, I also just relish whatever happy moments I have with you. I love seeing you happy, I love seeing you smile or seem jovial. It makes me happy--it warms my heart and I want it to be like this forever. But obviously, that’s my own selfish desires since it’s like a child not wanting his best friend to leave because then he’ll be by himself / won’t have as much fun. I am a lot more conscious of this than I was before and I really do feel like it brings a lot more clarity behind how I do things or why I do things.

I feel sad when you think I’m lying when in reality i am telling the truth but I’m just slow or mediocre in my progress or I’m still in the process of figuring it out. I just want to stop fighting with you--I don’t want the conflict to continue. I know what to work on and I want you to feel reassured but it just makes me so sad to say something like “I will never change” to you so you feel less angry / upset at me. It feels like I’m incorrectly validating a fear or insecurity that you have when in reality I would never believe that I will never change!! I have definitely grown so much since a month ago: I am more proactive, I plan more, I’m externally more appreciative of you, I have been more consistent than I was before, I am more in tune with your priorities / needs, I have been better in acknowledging how you’re feeling, being more in tune with how I feel... I don’t dispute that I still have a long way to go with these things but I’m definitely improving!!  I agree that maybe I’ll never be able to reach the expectations that you set for me because there will always be something more. That makes me sad too cause it feels like an uphill battle that gets progressively more uphill as I climb farther up but I’m still damn willing to try!!!  

Loving you is the most exciting and heart-wrenching game I’ve ever played. Maybe I’m just masochistic but it just keeps me on my feet and always pushes me to grow and makes the sweet moments ever sweeter. Maybe there’s something wrong with me to pursue such a rollercoaster of a person--maybe all these emotions just makes me feel more alive / human.  This isn’t to say I won’t love you the same if you’re less volatile but maybe I just have a thing for crazy.