wordvomit2020

[wordvomit2020]

For some time now, I have felt contently disconnected from my emotions. Not fully numb but, feeling of no guilt, shame, pain or euphoria. I have been happy and grateful and able to step away from any situation that might have dissatisfied me. Nothing has managed to arouse that part of me in a long time. To the point where I barely remember what its like to feel that tinge in your chest. But now, things are changing and I don't know what to do. I thought I was strong now. 

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things have been rough lately. I feel my emotions creeping in on me a lot more than they used to. I have not changed my manners or my circle. I have been in the same school cycle for quite some time now. I suppose these things happen where things catch up to you, but ive been feeling stable and strong. Now, I feel abused and beaten. For some reason I am tearful and have knots in my throat. even checked my menstrual cycle for explanation. I am used to being alone. Im also used to people leaving. fake friendships. men faking companionship for a single goal. i know that i cannot pick up the phone and call someone and say nothing. i know this to be true. why does it bother me that much more right now. why does my body want to resort to old school toxic behaviors. i want to call the man i know that will suck me in and make me uncomfortable. i want to hide in their devil love and be a dependent. i want to smoke a pack of cigarettes' and not think about how they will burn my lungs. I want to drink and fuck the bartender in the parking lot and come home and scrub myself raw. i want to sit on the floor in the corner and cry. i want to lay in the rain. i want to hide. crawl in my black hole. i feel so alone. i haven't felt this way in a very long time and it is absolutley justified because you kniow what? i am alone. i have been alone for a long time. maybe ive reached a limit. but i cant allow myself to sink not now not anymore. 

I manifest a fix.

i will wake up at 8 am. i will go on a walk. i will drink a whole bottle of water. I will systematically clean the apartment as if mom is coming. I will take a walk in the neighborhood and sit outside and look at the pond for 10 extra minutes. i will eat some shrimp tacos, clean the dishes and shower and change. I will put on nice clothes. I will go to chuckwagon diner and order coffee. i will order something small to snack on and I will do some work. i will stay there for 2 hours minimum and get work done. i will come back home and check my emails and start to write a recommendation. i will have a draft. I will text Dr. Mendez a reminder that i will be attending next weeks rotation. I will do 15 UWorld questions and I will review them. I will order step 2ck first aid or step up to medicine ck. I will massage my own feet and I will fix my hair. I will call my parents and plan the following day. and I will begin healing. 

I will not text those people who will not text me first. I will not give affirmations to people who do not deserve them. I will not compromise my own gut comfort for temporary relief of an obsession. I will remind myself that I am strong. I will remind myself that I picked myself up out of the dirt back when I was young and naïve and I can do it again now that I am wiser. I will not drown my sorrows in gluttony, laziness, self pity, in other people or in distraction. 

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My emotions have seeped through my skin as physical

I feel covered  in chain mail, cold as metal, hot by insulation

My brain turns as though it is drunk on dark liquor, empty as though just lobotomized, preoccupied as though schizophrenic.

my flat feet have given in, my ankles no longer willing to pretend and support the man made arches

heavy and throbbing, my heart shakes the cup that makes ripples in the water it holds as you have disturbed me

you as in all of you and none of you

you have all left me in times of crisis in so many more ways than you will all ever understand

there is infinite amounts to say with no energy to utter

I no longer want to be alone. At least not this way

I do not want to be drowning as I am now.

I want to be the magical type of alone. Where my brain works and my skin is light and my soul shines like the sun, a ball of gas unable to be weighed down as it is the supreme

How do I find that girl again? My center is not where I left it and I didn’t tell anyone where it was

 what use is it if any of you try to fix what you’ve wronged, your efforts are not wanted even if you are undeservedly loved.

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all empires must crumble and fall in their own time, you just never expect them to fall in yours

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Apollodore Le Panthéon, Rome, Italie

Juillet 2019

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Toad - Gouache & Watercolour

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Dead Poets Society (1989) dir. Peter Weir

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“It’s never too late to get your shit together”

— (via einhorny)

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Strawberry Rolling Pin by OmaMarta

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Jordan Piantedosi

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Represent! #4 - “Believe You” (2021)

written by Nadira Jamerson art by Brittney Williams & Andrew Dalhouse

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Ivan Kenneth Eyre (Canadian, b. 1935), North Hills, 2002.Acrylic on canvas, 43 x 38 in.

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Animal Prints // RebekahEvansArt

x // x // x // x // x 

x // x // x // x // x

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These mushrooms releasing spores

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me? i don’t know her