wordvomit2004

[wordvomit2004]

22/02/23

it’s been a while since i’ve last been on here.

i’d say things have gotten objectively worse, like missing college and re-doing a year, and being less active. i’ve been able to find more comfort within myself though, and comfort in being alone with just my thoughts (and music). 

i’ve figured out the friends who actually value me which has shifted my mindset positively - from trying to please everyone to only being concerned with the people who are concerned about me. 

college has been increasingly harder to attend. its so easy to miss a lesson without care even though i find all my subjects interesting and want to do well. that being said, today i’m going in to do a bit of catch up work hopefully, which will be more college work than i’ve done in the last few weeks. my teachers either have hope i will pull through and are leaving me to it or have completely given up - either way i still wish to do well (as everyone does), it’s just hard to focus on the work when my brain is always telling me nothing is worth it and i should spend every waking moment in bed doing fuck all. 

i need to stop smoking as much as i do. its silly how much i keep telling myself that but it’s fucking hard. it’s sort of the only thing that takes my mind off things. its a sort of comfort, and to be honest the social aspect of smoking is arguably unbeatable. getting thrown into a first-year conversation about the latest gossip for 10 minutes while out for a smoke can sometimes be the highlight of college that day. theres strangers i’ve told my biggest secrets to outside buildings or parties while out for a smoke, and you never have to worry about it coming back to you. its not the reason i started but it’s a big reason why its hard to stop. i will cut down though. 

i started CBT therapy but it’s a phone call once every 2 weeks so its all down to me which is fucking difficult. i’ve lied to this poor woman too many times just to get out of feeling shame for not doing half the things i should’ve done. i do have hope though and today feels different, i’ll grace this page with things i plan on doing today: college work, washing, reading (The Courage to be Disliked), buying air drying clay (to make an ashtray...i will cut down though).

that’s all for now. a song i’ve been listening to on repeat: Step On Me - The Cardigans

[wordvomit2004]

30/04/22

i obviously want to get better.

i dont want to feel the constant weight on my chest and the lump in my throat. 

i dont want to constantly be sweating, on edge.

my head feeling so heavy and fuzzy. i hate feeling like all i want to do is either sleep forever and stay in my dreams, or always stay awake in a new city, nver coming home.

i hate it all so much, yet its the most comfortable feeling i know. i hate how comfortable it is, thinking about sitting in my bed getting stoned off my face in a failed attempt to get rid of the heavy feeling. being sad and feeling shit is such a familiar feeling, to the point where i sabotage when i feel happy. i want it all to stop.

its reassuring when i think about the fact that no one really, truly knows me, but its also the loneliest feeling in the world. i find comfort in the fact that no one knows how i truly feel, what im thinking or what ive done. no one can know all of that and take it with them when im not there. i dont want someone knowing that about me then leaving, or using it against me in any way. i dont like the thought of being vulnerable, or breaking this facade of a strong, hard-shelled person because thats who people need me to be. they need me to be the silent, mentally ill friend who can understand them so they can talk to you about anything without saying anything about themselves. the comfort that i understand is enough, itd be ruined if i made it out as if im so vulnerable, because then how can i possibly help them? they wont want me to feel worse by talking to me, so i dont want them to think that. 

its the loneliest feeling in the world, knowing youre there for everyone but theres no one there for you. no one solely for you.

[wordvomit2004]

23/04/22

im so sick of feeling bad.

its not like before where ill feel shit and it consumed my life to the point where i couldnt get out of bed or do anything, now i can force myself to do things but it still doesnt make me feel better. ill always end up in bed depressed at the end of the day, getting stoned off my face pretending as if it’s any help to the eternal spiral and desperation for the future even though i know depending my happiness on the future is a stupid move since ill probably end up feeling disappointed and in turn still depressed, but i have absolutely nothing else to keep my going. i feel so helpless. i only feel guilt from the fact that im so desperate to escape since that means leaving my dad behind, but when an escape is the only possibility left for my happiness yet i feel guilty for pursuing that happiness, it feels so fucking crushing because i know theres no way im going to stay here, and the fact that ive already made my mind up despite the guilt makes me feel even more guilty, and the cycle keeps thriving.

whatever i do, theres always that crushing feeling. my head always feels so heavy. i just want to sink into a hole and be alone forever, yet the idea of that makes my stomach churn. i think i only need a few people in my life for me to be content, or else ill still feel lonely if i have any more.

im so lonely. im in a group of 15+ friends and have many others outside the group who all love me and express how much they love me, and i never feel left out in anything, but i still feel so fucking lonely. i couldnt be more alone. everyone has someone there for them, someone they can turn to for help or to talk or anything, yet when i try to think of someone i can go to, theres no one. i have no one. no one knows my thoughts, no one knows what i want, how i really feel, my opinions on specific things, my interests, my goals, my past, what i do. i make conversation by asking questions and just listening to them talk about themselves, which i want, but its so exhausting trying to stay true to myself when i dont know who i am. so how am i supposed to act around others? 

my guard is so high up, and its ironic since its a defence mechanism, yet the very thing thats supposed to protect me is making me so depressed. i let no one in, so people get bored of trying. its always exciting having a tough case to crack, you spend time on them in hopes theyll let their guard down and open up to you, letting you in. the satisfaction from having someone so distrusting actually trust you is another type of high, but when the tough case never opens up and the time you spent on them leads to nothing, you get bored. they arent special anymore because theres nothing about them that you know of that makes them special. someone who spends all their time listening to others yet says nothing about themselves gets very uninteresting, very boring very quickly.

i know this, yet do nothing to change. id rather be alone and miserable than let anyone in to know what my thoughts, who i really am because im so afraid of letting my guard down and trusting anyone just for them to turn around and leave me. i cant stand being alone. i cant stand someone knowing me so well. i cant stand no one knowing me at all. i cant stand the thought of trusting anyone. i cant stand the thought of never trusting anyone. i want to tell someone about everything i feel and think, but theres no one to tell. i dont have anyone.

im so so sick of feeling bad, even though i bring it onto myself.

[wordvomit2004]

20/02/22

i’m writing this a day later since yesterday i was way too tired.

i woke up at 12:30 which was a change since i normally get woken up earlier, so in my mind i’ve now made up for my lost sleep even though i consciously know that’s not how it works, but by subconscious isn’t arsed. 

i rolled myself a couple joints for the time being and got up at 4 to get ready. it’s a bit grim but i hadn’t showered since thursday, meaning i still had the grime from phoebe’s party all on me. it was disgusting, but i couldn’t find the motivation to get out of bed and shower. i still couldn’t, so i put a couple pins in my hair and headed out with dad. again, i felt so disgusted with myself but some things you really can’t help.

it’s my dad’s birthday today (21/02) but we went out for a meal yesterday at this fancy himalayan place. it was nice, the food was great and the servers were so friendly. however, there were 2 middle aged men on the table next to us who were insanely creepy. the (young) waitress serving them was visibly uncomfortable as he made flirtatious comments about her and even grabbed her wrist, telling her that if she were to go on holiday with him it would be free for her. it was so gross. the worse thing is they were very obviously regulars, so the waitress was putting up with it amazingly and kind of playing along. they kept looking over at me and it just made me so uncomfortable. i told myself that if they said anything else to the waitress i would say something, but they never did.

we got home and i ate the last of my edible while continuing to smoke and got so fucked. i started listening to “everywhere at the end of time” by the caretaker (collection of art and music that represents the stages of dementia) to sleep to and it fucking hits so much harder when you’re stoned off your face.

[wordvomit2004]

19/02/22

the time’s 04:07.

i’m on phoebe’s couch after her party, but my meds give me severe insomnia so even after a joint i can’t sleep.

joel’s awake, too. me and joel used to be really close so when the group asked me to psychoanalyse them his was a bit more deep. i texted him asking if he’s okay from across the room like 10 minutes ago and we had our first conversation in months. i hope hes okay.

i was looking after ross earlier - he had been throwing up for hours and i was helping him basically. scarlett was looking after me before when i had thrown up (which i’m a bit embarrassed by since i rarely ever throw up from alcohol) so i had sobered up more than the rest. i think the fact that i’m now on a double dosage of the meds made me throw up since i’m not supposed to smoke weed anyway while on them so drinking as well probably made it worse.

joel just threw up so i got a bowl and meds for him, i think he’s asleep now. 

i wish someone would psychoanalyse me. i observe people and think, why did they do that? why did they react like that? whats going on in their head that i’m unaware of? then the more i learn the more pieces join and i get a picture. it won’t ever be the full picture, because everyone has something going on that no one knows about, but i learn and i’m almost always spot on. but it’s because i care, and that’s why i’d like it be done to me.