wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

A weird dream I had about my dad about a week ago

I just woke up from a weird dream. My dad and I attended one of my soccer games just as we would when I was a kid except I was 27 as I am now. The field was indoor and I was playing on a house league team. The field was connected to a No Frills and a large outdoor park with a path and a marina and boats.  They say that you never dream up original things, so I will have to assume that this building and park was a collection of scenes and architecture from many buildings and parks that I've seen in real life.

Anyway, in the dream I played a little bit for the team and I suppose I was surprised to find out that I still have relative skills to my peers of the same age despite not playing  for so many years. I discovered how out of shape and breath I was too. So I didn't play long before asking to come off...it was just a friendly game, kind of more of practice really than a game. When I came off I just ran off and then told one of these 2 black guys on my team “Im taking a break one of you should take over” and walked away with my dad as if I didn’t even care about the outcome of the rest of the game. We just left. I suppose if I were to do dream-analysis, it would be an interesting point that we just left. Never in my life have I actually done that in a game. Back at that age that I used to play soccer (14 and previous), I was a very competitive person, especially in sports.  I thought winning was all there was: the only thing that mattered.

I suppose when I first started smoking weed is when I realized that the competitive culture of sports is not always fun. Perhaps it was weed, perhaps it was puberty, and perhaps it was just what was going on in my head at that stage in my life.  Sometimes you're just sitting there on the bench because you thought you wanted to play professional which meant you thought you wanted to make it onto the best team possible.

So now you've tried out for this team 3 or 4 times and finally made it on, but you're one of the worst players on the team so now you spend most of your time on the bench. Not only does this hurt your pride, but it also makes you low down on the hierarchy of the team, which you are new to, so even though you're a social person, you don’t have many friends, and are too pubescent and awkward and shy to make friends. Some of the guys are even dicks and you resent the fact that you represent the same team as them. So what went from a fun experience of always having playing time and being respected and liked as one of the best players, what went from being social, is now this lonely, miserable experience and you retreat into your head and analyze people and their psychology as you sit there bored on the sidelines, hardly even able to concentrate on the game or its outcome, because you've never known what it was like to be a benchwarmer until now. Come to think of it, I had a lot of experiences like that when I was young, where I got to see how being on the bottom felt like, even though I was used to being fortunate enough to be on the top in pretty much every other domain.  Long story short, I think something hallucinogenic like marijuana combined with puberty is the perfect situation to open a young man's eyes to different aspects of consciousness and reality that he had not yet focussed on before.

We then walked directly from the field around a corner into the No Frills. We went to the Aisle with the Sodas and I got 2 waters for us and my dad asked If I wanted to buy a soccer ball for us to kick around outside. I said “yeah sure okay I guess, but I bought a brand new ball last summer, so I don't really need it”. “That's okay we'll get it anyway. I'll pay”. I knew that he didn't want to buy a ball or buy me a ball, he simply wanted to kick the ball around with me outside for my sake completely, maybe for nostalgia or maybe he never really enjoyed such things but did them because he thinks I liked them.  I remember as a kid that my dad never looked like he really enjoyed playing sports, he merely did it to make us happy. He's never been very athletic, as my mom and her whole side of the family are.  

Our conversation was awkward and limited but I felt no anxiety, I felt the same way I had felt about my dad for a long time, that I could be honest with him, unlike I usually could with my mom or even most people I've met in my life. He asked me if I like this team, I said I barely even show up to the games or practices and that the coach was lazy and had cancelled all the practices at some point.   I told him last season I signed up but never showed up to anything. As we were walking along the path to the outdoor soccer field to kick the ball around, we passed a few boats at the marina but I didn’t pay attention to them. We kicked the ball around, and I exerted myself a little bit doing some fancied dribbling and ball control, which I wanted to see if I could still do, but also wanted to show my dad I could still do. I exerted myself a little more than I should have, as I usually do at this age. I haven't come to realize yet how much my metabolism and body has slowed down and changed.  My dad exerted himself a little too much too, even though he didn’t really do anything but kick the ball back to me.  So we realized we were tired and needed some more cold drinks and maybe some blood-sugar so we needed juice or pops, and decided to walk back to the No Frills. This was typical of my dad and our limited outings with him as children. We always went to dinner and then went to some park and kicked a ball around but my dad always wanted to leave the park after like 10 or 15 minutes and usually at least I, if not my brother too, wanted to play more than 15 minutes, and found it ridiculous to even drive out of the way to a park to only play for 15 minutes. But we never protested or complained, as me might have done with my mom. Looking back, the reason we never protested or complained was this unspoken principle that my brother must have experienced but I didn't but he somehow passed on to me which was “if you ask him for too much or bother him too much he’ll just leave completely and then you won't have ANY outings or any fun at all, so some fun is better than nothing”. It was always weird, how I didn't complain to him, as the youngest, about such things, but somehow knew I shouldnt. Anyway, we walked back to the No Frills, and on the way I noticed that 3 or 4 of 8 or so boats in the small Marina pond were actually Honda Civics converted into boats. I said to my dad “you see that? Those are actually civics” as if I thought it was cool or interesting. My dad said “yeah but...to me..if you're going to be outside on a boat on such a nice day, you want to be able to see everything around you 360 degrees”. I said “yeah I guess that's true” in a “oh shit, I guess I hadn’t really thought of that”. It was one of the rare moments me and my dad had a typical dad to son moment that was mutually beneficial and not filled with any hard feelings from either side. In fact, the whole 1 or 2 hours that we spent together was like this. So we go back in the No Frills, and I know we want cold drinks, like pops.  We buy some from the machine. My dad puts in a 20 dollar bill and immediately all the change comes out in loonies and toonies, which I bent down to pick up for him.  There's a basket with these drinks from some obviously third-world country like India, that advertise that they have small amounts of Methamphetamine in them. Like lime-flavoured, meth-energy drinks.  I pause for a second because I don't believe my eyes, and pick one up. My dad is like “are you kidding me? Don't drink those...do you know what those are? If you've been working like 30 hours and you're dead those will spring you back to life but probably give you a heart attack or something”. My mind flashed to a video I’d seen of some guy in Thailand on meth, where the title was “thai work conditions so harsh that ordinary people resort to crystal meth just to function in their daily work lives.  I have no idea why this whole thing popped into my dream, and what it symbolizes. My dad has never tried very hard to warn me about any specific drugs or anything like that. He's never liked me smoking weed, and he wasn't happy when he found out through the grapevine that I had tied other things once or twice, but he’s also never really tried to lecture me about anything. As unnatural a parent as he has always seemed to be, once I saw myself as an adult he became useful to me as a parent, whereas my mom stopped being useful. It was like she couldn't bear to see me as a potential equal or adult, she has and still does maintain that I'm a kid and takes this “you need to be told you poor thing” tone with me, all the time. I said “yeah, yeah, I know. I’d never want those.” And then we took the elevator down to the underground car-park, so he could drive me home. I guess I’d gotten there on my own, without my car, and we’d met, I don't know. When we came out in the underground, I saw that it stretched for like 500 metres, really long, surprisingly long for a simple no frills with a small indoor soccer court attached. I said “holy shit...this parking is big” My dad said “yeah. It's bigger than banks ones even. And they have the biggest” or something like that. And then I woke up.  It was weird. There was just so much random stuff going on, that I don’t know what it symbolizes. I'm not used to having dreams, as THC suppresses REM sleep, and I smoke weed every night. I will continue to write about the ones that I do remember.

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

There are only patterns, patterns on top of patterns, patterns that affect other patterns. Patterns hidden by patterns. Patterns within patterns. If you watch close, history does nothing but repeat itself. What we call chaos is just patterns we haven’t recognized. What we call random is just patterns we can’t decipher. what we can’t understand we call nonsense. What we can’t read we call gibberish. There is no free will. There are no variables.

Chuck Pahlaniuk -Survivor (via 1ost-boy)

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

Relationship advice from someone who only recently became good at having one.

So, Its 2018 and Im 2 months from being 28.

I've been in a relationship  for 3 years with an unbelievable girl who has been enormously loving, supportive, adventurous, helpful, empathetic and creative.  I've dated more girls than most of my peers. As a person who sizes people and their personaities up very quickly, I eventually grew tired of both meaningless sex and came to the conclusion that I will not look for anyone, that if its meant to be, it will happen.

1 week later I met her. My soul mate to this day. At a bar. She's from Europe....Turkey to be exact. I recognized the heavy accent the moment I met her. There was something intriguing about her energy and her eyes. She was, and still is, radiant.

I will never forget that night and how for the first time in my life I was actually forced to finally  give in to the belief in all the cliches about "love at first sight”.

When I appeared in the bar with my best friend, her eyes locked for a second with mine and something weird happened. I can't quite explain it. It was like in that moment we knew everything about each others past, and could predict with great accuracy everything our potential future held in store if we mutually decided to go down that path. It did feel destined. I remember that...for the first time ever, I wasn't questioning the pre-determined nature of the universe. I had been becoming exponentially better at “going with the flow” for the 3 years leading up to that moment...and I was quite sure as soon I talked to her that our conversation would be meaningful and engaging. We more or less met over a cigarette and smalltalk, me asking her where she's from, how long she's been here, etc. But our conversation soon became a 2 hr ordeal, and yet, it felt like 20 minutes. Our entire relationship has been like that. It's been 3 years and feels like 3 months. But people tell us we act like we've been together 20 years, and they mean it in the good way. I won't lie, it obviously feels nice to have people tell you that they envy your relationship.

I know all of this sounds corny as fuck, and the person I was 10 seconds before I first saw her would be nauseated by even the language I am using right now, but I believe in telling the truth and I think many people can relate to that weird phenomena of meeting your soul mate.

The point of this this little piece is that: as someone who grew up with divorced parents and no TV and rarely ever saw an example of what a healthy romantic relationship looks like, my learning curve for how to be a good partner has been rather steep.

I had to learn a lot of stuff on my own from ages 14-24, and very quickly, usually not quickly enough, and by that I mean the girl would either leave because I wasn't being a good enough boyfriend or I would freak out and break up with them. But with my current girlfriend, everything has been different than the last 10 girls or so that I dated. Nothing has been the same.

And the reason it has been different is that she is, and has been with me...patient and forgiving enough to be able to teach me how to be patient and forgiving enough with her.  This post is about something in our beautiful, fully-functional relationship (not that we haven't had tons of fights) that I like to call “ROLE REVERSALS”.

An example of a ROLE REVERSAL here is that in the first 1 year of our relationship, I would be “the asshole”. I would lose my temper and start yelling or belittling her logic or thinking or argument, and I wouldn't let anything go until she “quit” the fight. It was quite verbally violent, although I think it's obvious that physically I would never intentionally intimidate a girl (besides maybe my sister, who is a malicious cunt who we all hate, and has bullied me and everyone else every opportunity she has had. And its any wonder I have such a fight in me towards people challenging my ideas). So for the first year, I was the asshole. Then she began to make me slowly realize the patterns of what I was doing, and why it was unnecessary, over-the-top. and counterproductive.  And then there came a point where SHE started to become the asshole, the aggressor. Call it karma. Call it the universe realizing the exact point I was ready to have a taste of my own medicine hurled at me.

I've always been a person who is kind but can at times have a very short temper. I have tendencies to be a know-it-all, or be an asshole and disparaging to people when they are adamant about something that I know, scientifically, is wrong.  I'm not proud of this, but in 27 years it has unintentionally gained me lots of respect from peers and even elders. I always speak my mind, and I can go from 0-100 real quick when I sense someone is wrong intellectually, morally, or just simply out place and line.

Anyway, the first time she ever had a mental breakdown and yelled at me, almost on the verge of tears, was when I realized that I better back down and cool off and shut the fuck up, because when 2 people are yelling nothing is ever accomplished. I know this very well, as my family life growing up often consisted of 2 or even 3 people yelling at the same time. The futility of it all just hit me right there. It didn't help matters that we were in a foreign country, driving her dad's car, and I was trying to focus on the GPS but also full of rage and defensiveness. We were arguing over me not being nice even though she was trying her best to keep me entertained and happy. And she was right. I was being my worst self. I remember thinking like “holy fuck..I can really drive people to fucking insanity. That wasn't just a yell that she made. That was a primal scream like something a female Lioness makes when a male tries to mate with her. It was the type of scream a woman makes before she finally resorts to hitting you or crying.

I suddenly knew it was NOT the time to keep being offensive, especially when she was at her wits end.  Her being an asshole was the only way I was able to know how it felt when I was being the asshole. Isn't it funny how life works that way. I

I digress. The point is: ROLE REVERSALS and how important they are to keeping a relationship healthy. When she started to grow some teeth and was no longer this ‘always sweet, always compromising’ person, it really made me feel shitty and feel like my place in the room or conversation had no right to be voiced. It was an equalizer. It made us both realize that we need to constantly check in with each other and not make each other do things that weren't FULLY mutually enjoyable. It was a testing of limits for both of us and believe me, we found out what they were that day. Past that point, if one of us was visibly upset in any way about anything, the other person would LISTEN. Not object. Not argue. Not defend. Not offend. Just LISTEN.

You learn so much about your partner by listening, and as someone who has done most of the talking in almost 3 years, I can tell you, it's exhausting. Just sit back sometimes and let them search their mind for that funny, random, childhood story that defines who they are, or who their family member is. People can and will tell you everything...its just usually nobody actually LETS each other

The point is: when we first started dating, I was playing the role of the asshole who’s been hurt and darkened by life, and finds it hard to be trusting and patient and always compassionate. That was my always my role with women. Looking back, I think 90% of the girls who I was involved with interested in me because I was probably way smarter than any of the guys they'd ever met, although of course, women would never tell you something like that explicitly (they would never let you know that you hold all the cards).

Anyway, to conclude, if you're wondering why you're relationship isn't working, maybe it's that one or both of you are not able to play multiple roles.

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

My favourite books: Choke by Chuck Palahniuk and many of his other books that Im currently too high and tired to remember

Brave New World Demian anything by Bukowski

Thinking: Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

The Happiness Myth: A History of what really  makes us happy by Jennifer Hecht

On the Road - Kerouac Irvine Welsh: Acid House, Glue, and A Decent Ride

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

You have to die a few times before you can really live.

Charles Bukowski (via quotemadness)

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

Too often, the only escape is sleep.

Charles Bukowski (via quotemadness)

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

There are too many ways to drown even if you don’t want to drown.

Charles Bukowski, Selected Letters: 1965-1970 v. 2

Read more on wordsnquotes

(via wnq-quotes)

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

I want to be with you, it is as simple, and as complicated as that.

Charles Bukowski (via help-n-quotes)

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

Ive always fet that this was true. Human beings being objectively less intelligent as the group size increases. And humans have sheeplike tendencies,

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

Because nothing is as good as you can imagine it. No one is as beautiful as she is in your head. Nothing is as exciting as your fantasy.

Chuck Palahniuk, Choke (via quotespile)

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

Then you’re trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you.

Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

(via

passagesandpages

)

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

On What It’s Like to be a Canadian Millennial in  a relationship that actually works (and how)

So, Its 2018 and Im 2 months from being 28.

I've been in a relationship  for 3 years with an unbelievable girl who has been enormously loving, supportive, adventurous, helpful, empathetic and creative.  I've dated more different girls than most of my peers, and I have to say, all of them made me come to the conclusion that I'm better off just being alone and not even trying to talk to any females.

1 week later I met her. At a bar. She's from Europe..had been here 1 year when I met her.

The point of this this little piece is that: as someone who grew up with divorced parents and no TV and rarely ever saw an example of what a healthy romantic relationship looks like, my learning curve for how to be a good partner has been rather steep.

I had to learn a lot of stuff on my own from ages 14-24, and very quickly, usually not quickly enough, and by that I mean the girl would either leave because I wasnt being a good enough boyfriend or I would freak out and break up with them. But with my current girlfriend, everything has been different than the last 10 girls or so that I dated. Nothing has been the same.

And the reason it has been different is that she is, and has been with me...patient and forgiving enough to be able to teach me how to be patient and forgiving enough with her.  This post is about something in our beautiful, fully-functional relationship (not that we haven't had tons of fights) that I like to call “ROLE REVERSALS”.

An example of a ROLE REVERSAL here is that in the first 1 year of our relationship, I would be “the asshole”. I would lose my temper and start yelling or belittling her logic or thinking or argument, and I wouldn't let anything go until she “quit” the fight. It was quite verbally violent, although I think it's obvious that physically I would never intentionally intimidate a girl (besides maybe my sister, who is a malicious cunt who we all hate, and has bullied me and everyone else every opportunity she has had. And its any wonder I have such a fight in me towards people challenging my ideas). So for the first year, I was the asshole. Then she began to make me slowly realize the patterns of what I was doing, and why it was unnecessary, over-the-top. and counterproductive.  And then there came a point where SHE started to become the asshole, the aggressor. Call it karma. Call it the universe realizing the exact point I was ready to have a taste of my own medicine hurled at me.

I've always been a person who is kind but can at times have a very short temper. I have tendencies to be a know-it-all, or be an asshole and disparaging to people when they are adamant about something that I know, scientifically, is wrong.  I'm not proud of this, but in 27 years it has unintentionally gained me lots of respect from peers and even elders. I always speak my mind, and I can go from 0-100 real quick when I sense someone is wrong intellectually, morally, or just simply out place and line.

Anyway, the first time she ever had a mental breakdown and yelled at me, almost on the verge of tears, was when I realized that I better back down and cool off and shut the fuck up, because when 2 people are yelling nothing is ever accomplished. I know this very well, as my family life growing up often consisted of 2 or even 3 people yelling at the same time. The futility of it all just hit me right there.

It didn't help matters that we were in a foreign country, driving her dad's car, and I was trying to focus on the GPS but also full of rage and defensiveness. I knew it was NOT the time to keep being offensive, especially when she was at her wits end.

I digress. The point is: ROLE REVERSALS and how important they are to keeping a relationship healthy. When she started to grow some teeth and was no longer this ‘always sweet, always compromising’ person, it really made me feel shitty and feel like my place in the room or conversation had no right to be voiced. It was an equalizer. It made us both realize that we need to constantly check in with each other and not make each other do things that weren't FULLY mutually enjoyable. It was a testing of limits for both of us and believe me, we found out what they were that day. Past that point, if one of us was visibly upset in any way about anything, the other person would LISTEN. Not object. Not argue. Not defend. Not offend. Just LISTEN.

You learn so much about your partner by listening, and as someone who has done most of the talking in almost 3 years, I can tell you, its exhausting. Just sit back sometimes and let them search their mind for that funny, random, childhood story that defines who they are, or who their family member is. People can and will tell you everything...its just usually nobody actually LETS each other

The point is: when we first started dating, I was playing the role of the asshole who’s been hurt and darkened by life, and finds it hard to be trusting and patient and always compassionate. That was my always my role with women. Looking back, I think 90% of the girls who I was involved with interested in me because I was probably way smarter than any of the guys they'd ever met, although of course, women would never tell you something like that explicitly (they would never let you know that you hold all the cards).

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

Growth is painful. Change is painful.But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.

— Mandy Hale (via psych-facts)

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

People fall so in love with their pain, they can’t leave it behind. The same as the stories they tell. We trap ourselves.

Chuck Palahniuk (via quotemadness)

[wordsmeansomethingsometimes-blog]

You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it’s just teeth.

Chuck Palahniuk (via quotemadness)

My brother is the nicest person I have ever met. But when someone has crossed him, truly crossed him, I have never seen such a vengeance in my life.  Truly loving people are the last people you want to fuck with.