wordsmatteronandoffstage

[wordsmatteronandoffstage]

Expiration date

This an excerpt from my frtycoming anthology of love is love short storiesthis one titled expiration date about two men on different love path there momentarily merged!!

I had never felt so betrayed, as I was by my eyes in that moment. When holt took my hand in his to verbally confirmed what I knew from the begining that our expiration date had come

I turn to look him in his eyes as we confessed our love between good byes as my tears. In an act of betrayal fell he reached out to wipe them away I grabbed his hand before he could reach my cheek I kissed his fingers pulled him in to say directly in his ear I will miss you he leans in starts to say I'm sorry. I stop him by putting my lips on his I go on to say no sorry necessary all I wisy is you to be happy regardless of who fulfills that wish random things will make me rember our love for my life time water fountains swings, little red cars, amazingly beautiful blue eyes, clocks that show 123. Let me conclud this with she's a lucky woman I hope she honors your heart! As you have mine!

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nyc10

n invoice for the total, Jack in hindsight made a good point my invoice included the hotel split three ways Jack pointed out that maybe he shouldn't have to pay the hotel charges, because Brian and I would have used the room even if he didn't go. Which is true we didn't incur any additional charges because of him. At the time I justified to him and myself why he should split the hotel charges. Had I thought better about it I would not have charged that, there is also one other thing you didn't charge for our last full day in the city we had brunch I paid for his meal. I didn't include that because when we as a group pick the brunch place I told him I'll pay, I offered, therefore, no obligation to repay. My goal when asked i invited Jack to join us on the trip was to get to know him better. Very nice guy, and for him to have a good time which I think he did, I hope his financial situation doesn't leave a cloud to the trip as a whole. He was fun to hang out with, so no regrets about inviting him to go.

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It's o my love

about a year & half ago I had the idea to self publish a book an anthology of shortstoiesbaded on love in different phases

these are the story ideas as of now each story is rooted in an actual personal experience save one

1) safety monitor meets superman two guys randomly meet forging a friendship that would change one life.

2) the unrequited love of my life how love unreturnedlove still has value in ones heart

3) expiration date when the pursuit of a crush best a short term relationship because a man isn't in his life plan.

4) black * blue affair unwittingly our good guy begins a sexual relationship with the guy being physically abused in his relation ship

*5)permission a couple having been together for nearly 3 decades face the final chapter of oneperson's relationship long degenerative disease.and the strength of his partner to make it ok to let go of hispainand transition

wrong one when what feels like a life time of love choices has landed on the right one or has it .

prologue how wanting and pursuing love can affect ones lif

prologue the power of love and being love

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we stood hand in hand,beside the fountain he gently squeezed. I attributed that to his nerves . not sure why he was nervous we both knew there was an expiration date on this from the beginning I guess it's sill uncomfortable to end a romance. even one that never had longevity potential. he told me when we started he wanted a traditional life /family. I knew I neithercould or would provide when he text let's talk tonight at our spot I knew what was coming if I am being honest I was as nervous as he was its one thing to know the end is coming its entirely another to hear it i stood there in front of him trying to control my emotions. he said something I couldn't hear completely I leaned in to hear better he turns my face to his our eyes lock. I couldn't hold it one more sec his eyes had always been my weakness one eye first betrays me as the tears fall he leans in to say I love you I say to him love had never been our problem I understand that he hugs me and here is when the dam broke my head rested like always just across his collar bone my for head rested on his neck just below his ear I take a deep breath in the hopes of stemming the tide of the tears . no luck I smelled his colognand shampoo a combo that has always made me weak in the knees I exhaled and that seemed to be the breaking point I t was like someone opened the valve to my years to wide. I take advantageofmy proximity to his ear speak directly into it don't take my years as regret its just sadness when i sent that letter andconfessed my feelings for you I never dared to dream we would have any time together.It might be sad its ending but i am all the better for loving you and having you love me for what ever time we had i wasn't always convinced you did love me but the few times we sat here next to this fountain I may mot have know it was love, i knew it was something . I stepped back out of our embraced held his face in my hand eyes locked I whispered my final confession i may mot be the one spending my life with you or giving you children but my heart will hold you til death us do part . he said when i read you letter I thought a polite thanks but no thanks. would end it im not sure how this happened but ibknow I am a better man that . itdid he ended the conversation with an apology for not being able to convince me of his his liove .i said is y hatsomeyhing one apologizes for I grab his hand I turn to him say it's time to walk away I face away from him in a barely audible whisper I say thank you for giving us a chance his last words to me were 123 I walked a few steps tried to calm my self with no luck the tears fell I embraced the emotions not trying to stiffle them this time it was a warm springevening but the moment give mea shiver and anunderstanding there as i walked away i thought even love with an expiration date was worth of this wasn't our song but years later lyrically it could fit

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My dream about Ben platt

my dream about Ben Platt freaked me out. because it wasn't what I could relate to it wasn't actuallyl sexrelated I could handle sex instead it was ridiculously emotional.

in the dream I was working at a hotel I use to work for he was performing in Chicago for a pride event and because my new condo was on the street where he was performing the person who had booked him to perform was someone I knew asked if he could use my place as his dressing room before and afterthe show. imagine my utter shock that he arrived at the hotel in the very brief window I was at the hotel not actually working. just stopped by to pick up something I left in my office. i introduced myself to him and escorted him to his room up stairs he said why would your name sound familiar I said you are using my apartment as your dressing when you perform at thepride festival. he said I still don't know why I agreed to do that festival its also my birthday. and not everyone knows I am out. it was such a low qkey coming out it never really got much press in gay or main stream media but I am looking forward to celebrating my birthday with a bunch of hot and sweating fans in the streets of boys stown.i excuse my self from his room so he can unpack and rest.when I get back t the desk I have the concierge call him to see if he wants cake and coffee sent to his room to celebrate his up coming birthday. he ha requested chocolate cake and an espresso if they were available. I Go back to my office and prepare to leave I decided to call my friend who had requested that he use my place. I wanted to know if he had a snack preference as I was planning to stop by a store on the way home I was told he like sour patch candy and caramel popcorn. I went to garretts on my way home got a tub of it I decide for after the show I would make him a birthday cake one I had at a restaurant once and wanted to make it my self a dark chocolate cake with an Irish cream/ espresso butter cream

after his performance which was powerfully beautiful and emotional we weren't back to myplace so he could freshen up we sat on the floor ate cake and talked musical theater I asked him to sing a song i love it was originally sung by a female... someone to watch over me. he said he didnt know it i wonder if that eas a polite way to say nor we had wine with our cake laughed shared our respective most embarrassing theater wounds. I ask him if he wanted me to get him a taxi or uber back to the hotel . he said neither if I was willing to go with him he'd like to take the train back or invite himself to sleep on my sofa I said i wouldbe happy to train it with him absolutely no way would I allow him to sleep on a sofa he could take my bed and I would sleep on the sofa i went and remade my bed changed the sheets before going to sleep I asked the question I wanted to know since I first read about him coming out was it calculated to do it in such a low key 7manner so as to walk it back one day should he wanted to .he said no it was a way to preserve some degree of privacy should he meet someone one day that he was willing to commit to he said if there's a degree of ambiguity not every date would leave to be tabloid speculation on his love life . he asked why I wasn't seing anyone this is the part of the dream that made me cry in the dream and again when I woke up .my answer was easy in til I had to explain it I said fear

fear that the last three men all had ilasthad been interested in had the same trait of selfishlshness. fear that after my stroke and subsequent amputation that I wasn't the same lover or could I bring the same things to the table bringenough to the table that we could be equals fear that if I were with someone I loved how would society judge him being with someone in my condition fear that my genetic disorder would end my life early while with him and it would scare me to leave someone like that he said you canstil bring the important things tothe table regardless of your cpgysical ondition. kindness compassion

generosity

a about a week later I catch a teaser for Ellen interview in Ben to discuss his pride pergormamces especially Chicago.

she ask so how was Chicago pride

he said it was my first pride event it was odd in the fact that it's not common knowledge that I am openly gay I was worried I. wouldn't be seen as a part of the community but an ally. but i was greeted warmly by the people who came to the show I met the nicest man who hosted me post performance made me the most delicious chocolate cake for my birthday he was the perfect host accomadating inhospitable., which he attributed to his southern roots and years working in the hotel industry. but i believe it's just his nature

he had no expectations having a big star in his presence. no did ask for anything from but one thing of me he wanted me to sing a song for him. one I didn't know then but I do now if you're ok I would like to do an Capella version today. oh and James what you are able to bring to the table should always be enough for the right man. the right man can help you with those valid understandable fears..

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7years today

Ilove this dong. https://youtu.be/JsOE9WyC9xg lyrically it representsboth my forgetfulnessto make it to today 7years after a double stroke. when being able to celebrate my birthday 8 days after the stroke i beat the odds. considering that serviving5 years happens to less than 20 %,of people who suffer just 1 of the stroke typs i had.put both together and the survival drops to single digits percentages.the lyrics also touch on the sadness too because even with surviving i am not without. some degree of loss of aspects that really define me, theater,dancing long walks, the freedom to come and go as i wish, independence. as the songsays i cant stay depressed. also its a self acessed feeling of rgetfulness. not atributed to any religion or deity. i got a heart that can hold love, a mind that can think. there maybe times i let my spirit sink. i cant stay depressed.

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April16,1987 (prom night

the limo pulled up infront of his dorm the driver coes aeound to open his door. the driver didnt notice i barely did, that for thelast partof the driveback to his place. he reached over and grabbed my fingers it felt natural right i didnt even twitch when heddid helosens his grip when his door opens. he steps out walks toward the door half there he turns walks back to the window i slide over to where he was sitting to roll down the window i expect him to say good night he sticks his head in the window kisess me on the cheek opens the door ask me to step out i step out he takes my hand looks me in tge eyes says we are right where we're suppose to be, i didnt enjoy my own high school prom this much maybe its tge company, i manage to get out my mouth before his tongue enteted there inthe courtyard he wraps his arms around me we make out i whisper in his ear someone could see us he says theyll simply see me kiss the man that prom night proved i lovea man who on a tap shared his feelings of live with me a manwho loved inspite of k owing that i couldnt live him in the same way until this night when i letmy gaurd down and just havr fun. a man who was more himself tonight thsn i have Been ever i man than i havr grown to love inspite of my best efforts to keep him at arms legnth since we first met6

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Someof the best acting in the series

I am a huge clay fan mostly because I find his acting extremely skilled and nuanced ithink this scene from season two is a masterclass in nuanced emotions leading the acting here this is one of favorite scenes in the series so fardylans' acting and the love tony shows for clay is powerful not just tony but all of them tony's anticipation of where clays" head is at when he hears the song thats what you expect from a best friend I love this scene for many reason where clay ENDS THIS SCENE EMOTIONALLLY STARTS IN HIS EYES HIS BODY LANGUAGE THE MOMENT THE SONG ouSTARTS AND JUSt SLOWLY BUILDS TO THE POINT HeCANT HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER EVEN THAT MOMENT OF OVERWHELMING EMOTIONS IS A SLOW BUILD

DYLAN LOOKS LIKE THE MAN I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH

https://youtu.be/pGEBrg929NI

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Life vs soul

my amputation happened in 1/2013. Less than one month after my medical transport from chicago I had bein surgery about 1 week before I was finally released from my 99 day hospital stay filling my double stroke in September 2012 in which I lost partial use of my left leg complete use of my left arm

so back in North Carolina where I am in need of full time care my sister who is a verified nursing assistant has become my full time care giver this is why I needed to leave chicago I was no longer in a condition I could live alone the Drs suggested I elevate my legs at night when I slept this should in theory limit the risk of a blood clot developing in my legs since I would be more stationarybecause I couldn't walk.

so one night going to bed my sister is using pillows to prompt leg up she lifts my right leg and notices its really hot to the touch and swollen I know what this means a blood clot I had my first one in my right leg in 2004 surgery removed it restored blood flow to normal and again in 2010 i figured it would be the same again but s couple day s after we noticed the leg I lost my appetite couldn't eat for a couple days but I began throwing up nonstop for a few days I go to the agency room and they do an MRI to confirm what I already know a blood clot but it's worse than that I have an internal infection caused by the clot the clot the infection is what was causing the vomiting and no appetite the infection is caused by some of the tissue in my leg is dying from lack of blood flow the infection is now life threating so doctors tell me I need to have an amputation to live I say I need to think in the time of waying my decisionbodily functions began to shut down what I learned from an episode of greys anatomy that kidney failure was the first sign of death being immanent my kidneys shut down for a couple days cause me to retain fluids since I couldn't urinate parts of my body began to swell including my testecles which swole to the size of anaverage catalope wighing so heavy that they created a tear in the skin at the base of my penis on both sides the doctors start working very diligently get my kidneys working again and they do I have stub in my penis so if I had to pee I could just pee and it would collection a bag at the end of the tube start peeing feel like I'm never going to stop the fluid retention begins to go down my balls are so heavy prior to urinating the Drs find a foam pillow cut it fit between my legs and props my testicles on it so the extra weight didn't do anymore damage I never thought how much more difficult I would be to move with catulope sized balls it really was once my kidneys start working again I have made the decision to have the amputation. the surgery is in a Friday what I don't know is that had I not made the decision when I did it wouldn't have matter because the Drs didn't think I'd live through the weekend so surgery happens I survive it ive been asked multiple times why I had to think about death vs amputation the choice wasn't just life over death it was quality of life I knew the things that were life sustaining for me theater dancing and recreational walking would be different if not over all together not having those things in my life would be like death adjacent. so it wasn't just life and death it was soul saving choice now 6 years one month later ive not danced or even auditioned for anything so it's sadness as I continue to grieve the death of my previous life of clubbing dating and theater so for now I try to make my new normal work for the life I want to lead

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Broadway rival casting ideas

I think I'd be a kick was Broadway casting director its my idea of casting combinations for some of my favorite shows

The current one I think would be a huge success

an aida revival

aida - Cynthia erivo

radames- Ben Platt

Amnaris - lea michelle

amonarso- Brian stokes mitchel

The phroh- alancumming

zoser- Neil Patrick Harris

The absolute joy of seeing NPH and BPsing father and son

my other show I would love to cast

prior to her unfortunate passing.

a revival of Evita

staring Marin Mazzie as Eva Peron

che- Jason Danieley

Juan Peron-victor garber

Austin magaldi-jeremy Jordan not old enough but volcally would be i deal

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Cologne and confidence

cologne has been my thing,not as long as watches. but just as intense

The first place I went shopping when I got my power chair was Macy's my favorite place to purchase cologne it feels shallow but back in Chicago getting ready to go to the club had to include at least one fragrance sometimes if I had twoscents that hadcomplimentary top and bottom notes I would mix them the most successful of this practice was bedelicious and irrestiable,after getting dressed for a night out at the club I apply both fragrances and leave home heading for the train at the first intersection I needed to cross a group of two women and one guy walk pastme. one lady turns to the guy and says is that you who smell so good he says no the other lady says and points to me it's him both women turn to me almost at the same time say you mell really great I say thank you ladies across toward my train this whole smelling good thing was part of what I used to feel and look good for the evening out i like cloths even fourty pounds over weight I still could and would dress to make sure I looked good clothing looks so much better standing and hittting the right points of the body I say knowing that all my clothing is now viewed from my seated position in a wheelchair its not just clothing but the two finishing touches for any outfit shoes and a watch shoes I wear for comfort for dancing for hours watch I want to be a ststement. a conversation starter. so it's a complete look and feel from head to heel to compliment, my self-confidence they all work in concert to project my internal version of my image. I WANTED to write this to understand in my mind why cologne purchases make me sad at the moment its because sitting down all the time when I'm out in public I can't fullly represent my image as I would like to I should say that I didn't just get dressed like this for the club but also date night with myself or Some one im with when dining I limit my cologne because it can affect the dinning experience for those around me I guess the bottom line is im still grieving the loss of my life before stroke and amputation

my next blog is my thought process of life with one leg and death why that was even a decision thst ended contemplation.

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Music has been the way to my soul since the 80s i found thus album completely happenstance but in my ritual of ling walks no matter where I am this album was a constant companion so this song became one of self awareness and personal empowerment to like and live me understand me this is number two of my personal anthems ill post the link for that one too

Enjoy here's a little look into my musical them to life

https://youtu.be/vr04x-rWFMU

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Ian & Mickey a wack love story

recently I commented on an Instagram post about the gay coupling on shameless Ian and Mickey are the most self destructive relationship in gay television or film history Ian, is a very attractive twink in Chicago is a hot commodity he's as seen in the show capable of making good money off his looks and body his relationship with cash simple daddy issues but his clandestine sexual encounters with a friend s brother really was about mutual orgasms at first then Ian finds himself in love with someone who won't even admit he's gay this becomes a source of contention between the two when just fucking is no longer enough for Ian he makes it clear that he wants more than his ass he wants his love and lips this leads to Mickey coming out in the most unhealthy way possible after he tells Mickey it's over he's done being his mistress before he admits his love and finally really kisses Ian after trying to beat the love and fag out of him this is the point I was sure Ian would wise up and get out of this situation he doesn't have to Mickey finally kises him in the manor he wanted still not a healthy relationship I'm thinking this is so one sided it's my opinion at this point that there's nothing good coming out of this union but then comes the development of Ian'smental illnes and Mickey shoes his true colors he insists to Ian's family that they can't just lock him away in a hospital he says I love him he's my family I I'll take care of him until I no longer can it becomes clear to me Mickey has loved Ian all along but he needed to work out his own issues with being gay to be able to give Ian the man he wanted even when he did he had to admit when Ian condition continue d to get worse so he finally self commits himself to an institution to get better and indoing so you can see Mickey slowly pull away at this point I think he doesn't deserve Ian, until I began to understand what Mickey was feeling that he failed ianhe was supposed to love him and take care of him but when he realized he wasn't gonna get better with just him so he helps convince him to go to the hospital he feels like he let the man he loved down see tw

Mickey and ab's relationship is so angry and toxicmichis s selfhating thuggay basher Ian is clearly sensitive and in love most of the series I hope Ian will let Mickey go and finda positive influence to Love I think this until the episode Ian breaks up with Mickey the reason this bothered me is Mickey was not he ideal man to anyone but Ian who breaks up with him for fear Mickey couldn't love him as bipolar he was wrong g I wanted Mickey to fight for them to stay together it's not the kind of love you hope to see because of the physical abuse but it is for the level of intensely how much they love it not the kind of love one would why wish to hold up as a model for the community at large but it is in a way the live hard support endlessly as much as this union scares me any one with the desire to love or be loved could only hope that thier love is this intense and life changing hey Ian if I had a man who looks me the way he looks at you 6id marryhim already

ithink the perfect moment to sum up this train wreck is when Mickey says he's not going to hospital hesfamily I'll take care of him up til he sees hemight be doing more bad than good

https://youtu.be/jD_JewYUYTg

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shit dude, here’s to all of the quiet victories. the things that other people take for granted but are so, so hard for you. the way your voice didn’t shake when you ordered your drink, the time you felt a swell of pride at something instead of shame, how you got out of bed after only the second time hitting snooze even though you couldn’t imagine anything more difficult than facing another fucking day. fucking cherish those. relish them, rejoice in them, do not let anyone pluck them from your grasp because they are yours and they are important.

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The hotness that is machine gun Kelly

I am not a big fan of rap music it can be homophobic and masoginistic short sighted I by accident stumbled onto MGKwhen he cohosted an episode of catfish I was instantly drawn to him his character was outspoken direct honest I why decided to lidsten to his music he is no question a rap artist but his musicality is acceptable for caual listening to... but I also follow his Instagram and I find him totally sexy AF his ink his tight toned body makes me want to to plow him like an Iowa corn field.. I try to be low key with my comments in his page as not to stirup any homophobic backlash from his fans one thing I e noticed about Kel's he sits often with his legs spreadoften it made me wonder if he was blessed with more than musical talent I hoped there would be online somewhere a photo of his package todeteemine just how gifted he might be I googled machine gun Kelly penis the resulting find was a joy to see more than I had though I'd find he's definitely one of my celebrity crushes. the photo shows something nice by no means a challenge to my skills

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My opiniomofCall me by your namebookvsfilm

ididnt read call me by your name. I had it read to me, via audible read by one of the stars of the film I loved the book.and really enjoyed the film. but, there are minor story points that didn't make the adaptation that in my opinion added to the emotional impact of the story as awhole for me tgier initial meeting in the book affected the story from elio's perspective the frayed worn espadrilles are mentioned more than once in the book it and all that he wore colored his view of Oliver throughout the entire çbh story.

the movie downplayed elio's fear and angst about his repressed sexualty

the film also waited to long into the story to address Oliver's use of later something in the book that was a part of almost every early encounter they shared also the film glossed over a lot of thier casual Hanging out biking together swimming

the film also limited elio's, jealous nature loved the film's ending brilliantly paced and emotional. the entire book for me at least I wanted him to come out to his father and when he does this conversation iswhat you hope for for him

being a romantic I desperately wanted thier liove to happen and grow and manifest more than sexually I hoped against hope elio's would go to the states with him to live happily ever after..

I was most apprehensive about the peach scene the book was far more graphic to the point ofmy being uncomfortable with how it played put the movie did a great job getting the power of the across without Boeing to graphic I really like the way the did it I was afraid they cut the part all together they did not add elio's commentary about the likeness of vaginas and asses which is what prompt s the next part of the scene the sound of the peach as he breaks it open to pull out the seed works perfectly for for the full feel of the scene

the chemistry with those two actors Was spot on as was elio and his father

I've now watched this scene no less than 10times looking forless than genuine moments I fg found none thy both were completely engaged in the story telling happening ithink that scene should be played at pflag. meetings to see the natural paternal response to your kid.l I've and loss his line I am not such a parent pretty fucking powerful