wonshik-as-frick

[wonshik-as-frick]

“hey bro” “yeah bro?” “i wanna live in ur socks” “hahah, why bro?” “so i can be with you every step of the way” “…oh m y god… bro :’)”

[wonshik-as-frick]

Romanized Korean in Kpop Fanfics

I get it. Sometimes when you’re writing a Kpop fanfic, you want to make the experience as authentic for the reader as possible. And what better way to do that than to throw the occasional Korean in here and there?

Romanized Korean is great; there are certain colloquial things in Korean that you just can’t translate into English. So yes, all the power to you writers out there using romanized Korean - kudos to you for trying to incorporate another language into your writing in a way that makes your story flow more naturally in a certain cultural setting. But are you doing it correctly?

I can’t tell you how much I cringe when I find a well-written fic and am enjoying it… when the author drops some misused romanized Korean smack in the middle. For those of you scrunching their noses at this post and thinking, “What’s the big deal? It’s just a fic. Just ignore it.” I’d like to point out that yes it is slightly insulting when someone misuses your language, acts like it’s not a big deal, and continues to misuse your language even if they may or may not know that they are misusing it.

So to spread awareness on using proper romanized Korean, I am uploading this post to share several common mistakes that fanfic writers tend to make.

Hope you find this helpful!

[-AH/-YAH]

- “Jongin-yah”x “Hwasa-ah”× - Can you tell me why these are wrong? - If these sound right to you, you are probably not using these suffixes correctly. - RULE: -ah is used with names that end in a consonant sound while -yah is used with names that end in a vowel sound. - RULE: you should only use -ah/-yah when directly addressing someone. - “Jungkook-ah, we really need to hang out sometime!“ - “Hani-yah, let’s go study at the library later today.”  - NEVER use these suffixes in the object form/to refer to someone. - “Did our Sungmin-ah sleep well last night?”x  - "I was with Sunny-yah at the club yesterday.“x

[JAGI]

- Personally, I dislike seeing ‘jagi’ in fanfics because it does translate into ‘Honey’ or ‘Sweetheart’ and other similar terms of endearment. But if you must use it for whatever reason, make sure you’re using it correctly! - “Our jagi-yah looks so cute today!”x - “Is our jagi-yah sick?”x - This is such a common mistake. - As in the previous lesson, ‘jagi’ ends with a vowel sound, therefore the appropriate ending is? Yup. -Yah. - So why is the above example wrong? - As in the previous lesson, you should ONLY use -yah after ‘jagi’ when you are directly addressing someone and not commenting on their appearance/condition/etc. - “Jagi-yah, let’s go eat something yummy today~” - “I bought a pretty necklace for our jagi.”

[-IE]

- “I went on a date with Suhoie-ah yesterday.”x - That actually killed me to type. - RULE: Unlike -ah/-yah, you can use -ie in the object form/to refer to someone and to comment on someone’s appearance/condition/etc. - RULE: Only use -ie if the name ends with a consonant sound. - “Have I ever introduced you to Sebomie?” - “Jiminie performed so well on stage today.” - “Did you get Youngjaeie’s number?”x - NEVER use -ie and -ah/-yah together - “Kim Soohyunie-yah is my kdrama crush!”x - Just. No. - NEVER use the suffixes -ah/-yah outside of Kpop fanfics.  -ie is okay. - For example, when commenting on a music video: - “Sehunie is so good looking” is perfectly fine. - “Kihyun-ah sings so well!” is not since you’re commenting on a quality of his and not directly addressing him.

[ANNYEONG/UMMA/ETC.]

- “Annyeong! Jeoneun Irene ibnida!”x - Lit. Translated: “Hello! I am Irene!” - Bottom line is, if you can translate directly into English, I implore you to stay away from romanized Korean. - You might as well just type your whole story in Korean if you’re going to use romanized Korean so heavily. - “Umma, how have you been?“x - Lit. Translated: “Mom, how have you been?” - PLEASE DON’T USE SARANGHAEYO IN YOUR FIC OR I WILL FIND YOU AND- - ahem - Sorry.  It needed to be said. - Honestly speaking, using romanized Korean in your fics isn’t completely necessary.  If your story setting is in Korea and the majority of your characters are Korean, then it’s assumed that they are speaking Korean even though you’re writing in English.  You don’t see professional Dramafever subtitles using -ah/-yah or oppa in their subs do you?

Anywaaaaaays happy fanfic writing and I hope this wasn’t too confusing :)

Note: I am Korean

[wonshik-as-frick]

US Helplines:

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453

UK Helplines:

Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk

b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk

b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail: helpline@cruse.org.uk

Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600

Drinkline: 0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk

Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

India Self Harm Hotline: 00 08001006614

India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669

Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868

FREE 24/7 suicide hotlines:

Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430

Australia: 13-11-14

Austria: 01-713-3374

Barbados: 429-9999

Belgium: 106

Botswana: 391-1270

Brazil: 21-233-9191

China: 852-2382-0000

(Hong Kong: 2389-2222)

Costa Rica: 606-253-5439

Croatia: 01-4833-888

Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67

Czech Republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908

Denmark: 70-201-201

Egypt: 762-1602

Estonia: 6-558-088

Finland: 040-5032199

France: 01-45-39-4000

Germany: 0800-181-0721

Greece: 1018

Guatemala: 502-234-1239

Holland: 0900-0767

Honduras: 504-237-3623

Hungary: 06-80-820-111

Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90

Israel: 09-8892333

Italy: 06-705-4444

Japan: 3-5286-9090

Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292

Malaysia: 03-756-8144

(Singapore: 1-800-221-4444)

Mexico: 525-510-2550

Netherlands: 0900-0767

New Zealand: 4-473-9739

New Guinea: 675-326-0011

Nicaragua: 505-268-6171

Norway: 47-815-33-300

Philippines: 02-896-9191

Poland: 52-70-000

Portugal: 239-72-10-10

Russia: 8-20-222-82-10

Spain: 91-459-00-50

South Africa: 0861-322-322

South Korea: 2-715-8600

Sweden: 031-711-2400

Switzerland: 143

Taiwan: 0800-788-995

Thailand: 02-249-9977

Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800

Ukraine: 0487-327715

(Source)

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people who can be like "this isn't who i am" really have so much of my respect. Knowing who you are enough to make choices based on it takes so much courage.

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do you like wearing collars and dying

do you like wearing colors and dying

Do you like wearing collars and dying

Do you like wearing collars and dying

Do you like wearing collars and dying

Do you like wearing collars and dying

Do you like wearing collars and dying

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im fucking trash for hope

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I AINT GAY BUT WHEN YOU DO THAT SHIT WITH YOUR HIP IT SURE AS HELL MAKES ME WANNA GRAB THAT

hand and pull you into a loving hug in front of our friends and family and you can wear the dress it's okay I'll love you no matter what you wear AS LONG AS WE STAND FIVE FEET AWAY CUZ I AINT GAY

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im only here when it tastes to bitter to not be

im only here when the house starts to stink with the smell of your cologne because i accidentally opened the closet where I keep everything about you locked away and you don’t know how long ive tried to hide our conversations in some hidden part of my brain but the fact of the matter is you were there and then you weren’t.

im only here because you chose to be here and then you chose to not, im only here because i didnt matter enough to be there but if it had been me, youd be the only one dressed in a pressed suit smiling down at me.

everything i am is everything you told me i could be, all of the love i have to give is everything i couldn’t give you, all of the peace left in my mind is everything you asked me to hold onto in the before

i only come here because some days i can understand and i let myself remember your name and i let myself remember your friend’s names and i remember what your hair looked like but somedays i can only remember the first letter of everything and i can barely recall if it was you who wanted a haircut or your girlfriend.

i only come here because you wouldnt want me there and im really truly trying but i can never wrap my head around how something can be there, and then not, how i could know you for all this time and be you and never be able to see you it’s like you built a prison inside of my lungs and i breathe in your cologne and in return you strangle me with memories and i can feel you crawling up my throat but i cant say your real name anymore because nobody else but you and i will even recognize who im calling for and

i can never wrap my head around how you let me mourn a brother when everyone else was crying for a sister

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I decided to create a masterpost that would help you with what you are struggling with. Hopefully any of the links below will help you! Reminder; You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass, just remember to breathe. 

————————————————————————————-

Distractions;

Here are some distractions to help keep your mind occupied so you aren’t too focused on your thoughts. 

-Draw something

-This website translates the time into colours.

-Create your own galaxy.

-Play flowing.

-Make a 3D line travel where ever you like. 

-Listen to music.

-Calm.

-Ocean mood, do nothing for two minutes.

Sleep issues; 

- 8 hour sleep music.

-Rainy mood. 

-Meditation.

-Coping with nightmares.

-How to cope with nightmares, 11 steps.

-Calm

-Foods that can affect your sleeping, both positive and negatively. 

 Uncomfortable with silence; 

-Rainy mood.

-10 hours of rain and thunder.

-3 hours of rain and thunder.

-Human heartbeat.

-Rainforest.

-Sound of rain on a tin roof.

-Autumn wind.

-Rain on a tent

-Traffic in the rain.

-Soft traffic. 

-Fan.

-Train.

-Simply noise.

-My noise.

-Rainy cafe.

Anxiety; 

-How to stop worrying. 

-Tips to manage anxiety and stress.

-The 10 best ever anxiety management techniques. 

-Self-help strategies for anxiety. 

-Helping a friend with anxiety. 

-All about worrying.

-8 myths about anxiety. 

Sad, angry and depressed/depression; 

-“I’m always sad”

-Feeling sad.

-Going through trauma.

-“I’m always angry”.

-Anger management. 

-All about anger.

-National helplines and websites.

-Self-help strategies for depression.

-Dealing with depression at work.

-Dealing with depression at school.

Isolation and loneliness; 

-Pets and mental health.

-All about loneliness. 

-“I feel so alone”

-10 more ideas to help with loneliness. 

-How to deal with loneliness.

 Self-harm;

-Alternatives to self-harm and distraction techniques.

-146 things to do besides self-harm.

-More alternatives to self-harm.

-Self-harm alternatives.

-How to take care of self-harm wounds/injuries.

-Getting rid of scars.  

Addiction; 

-How to help a friend with a drug addiction.

-What is addiction?

-All about alcohol and addiction.

-The facts about drug addiction.

 Eating disorders; 

-Helping a friend with an eating disorder.

-Eating disorder treatments. 

-Support services for eating disorders. 

-Self-help tips with eating disorders.

-Eating disorder recovery. 

-Recovering from an eating disorder. 

-100+ reasons to recover. 

-Understanding and managing eating disorders. 

 Dealing with self-hatred;  

-3 ways to ease self-loathing. 

-How to turn self-hatred into self-compassion.

-Self-hatred resources.

-10 step plan to deal with self-hate. 

 Suicidal; 

-International suicide hotlines (1)  (2)

-Preventing suicide. 

-Reasons to stay alive.

-Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings.

-Coping with suicidal ideation.  

 Schizophrenia;

-All about schizophrenia.  

-Helping a person with schizophrenia.  

-Understanding and dealing with schizophrenia.  

-Delusions and hallucinations.  

OCD;

-Managing your OCD at home. 

-Overcoming OCD.

-How to cope with OCD. 

-Strategies for dealing with the anxious moments. 

Borderline personality disorder; 

-Helping someone with BPD. 

-All about personality disorders.

-Treatment for BPD.

Abuse; 

-Healthy relationships VS abusive relationships. 

-Emotional abuse

-Overcoming sexual abuse. 

-Hotlines services. 

-5 ways to escape an abusive relationship. 

-Domestic violence support. 

-Signs of an abusive relationship. 

-What do to if you’re in an abusive relationship. 

-Surviving abuse. 

-What you can do if you’re sexual harassed. 

-Sexual assault support.

-What to do if you’ve been sexually assaulted or abused. 

 Bullying;

-How to stand up against bullying.

-How to protect yourself when it comes to cyber bullying.

-How to help stop people bullying you. 

 Loss and grief; 

-How to cope with a suicide of a loved one.

-Grieving for a stranger. 

-Common reactions to death. 

-Working through grief.

(Other loss and grief)

-Moving away from friends and family. 

-Coping with a breakup.

 Getting help; 

-Seeking help early. 

-All about psychological treatments. 

-Types of help.

-All about age and confidentiality. 

Things you need to remember; 

- Don’t stress about being fixed because you’re not broken.

-Remember to remind yourself of your accomplishments. Tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself, even if you’re not. 

- This is temporary. You won’t always feel like this. 

-You are not alone. 

-You are enough. 

-You are important. 

-You are worth it. 

-You are strong. 

-You are not a failure, 

-Good people exist. 

-Reaching out shows strength. 

-Breathe. 

-Don’t listen to the thoughts that are not helping you. 

-Give yourself credit. 

-Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, for the good or bad ones. 

-Treat yourself the same way as you would treat a good friend. 

-Focus on the things you can change. 

-Let go of toxic people. 

-You don’t need to hide, you’re allowed to feel the way you do. 

-Try not to beat yourself up. 

-Something is always happening, you don’t want to miss out on what’s going to happen next. 

-You are not a bother.

-Your existence is more than your appearance. 

-You are smart. 

-You are loved. 

-You are wanted. 

-You are needed. 

-Better days are coming. 

-Just because your past is dark, doesn’t mean your future isn’t bright. 

-You have more potential than you think. 

- Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Please remember to look after yourself and know that you are more than worth it and you deserve to be happy. Keep smiling butterflies x

[wonshik-as-frick]

i wonder if we even notice when we fall out of love or if it's just like when you eat cereal and you think it's a bit off but you don't realize it's stale until it's been a few weeks and you've been eating this dead fucking cereal but now the box is almost done so you might as well just keep going

[wonshik-as-frick]

It’s difficult to pretend that it is still winter, that spring never came, and with it, soft breezes filled with the distinctive scent you carried with you. It’s painful to dismiss you as if you never existed, as if I never existed in relation to you.

They say the human body works in strange ways, and perhaps that’s why nobody can ever figure it out, no matter how skilled the healer. Everything works, but only if everything else works, otherwise the entire body stops functioning. It’s why smoking can kill your liver, why alcoholism is a danger to the brain. Everything that happens, happens to the body as a unit. Every system wears the storm and if they can’t, every system crashes. I’d thought that a beautiful thing, until I watched it devour you. Devour those ties that connected us, severed it and turned us into independent systems, perpetually mourning the seamless unification that we had developed through the spring. Through the season that never came, yet died prematurely.

There is so much still floating between us, so many words we’d thought better unsaid and so many mistakes never rectified. So many wounds never healed, and never to be healed. No longer a unit, both of us will crash on our own. And how poetic both gain and loss are, how age and wear turns all to philosophy? How nothing is of permanence, and all falls to claws of illusion, and I find myself preaching in my mind the words I used to curse my parents for saying?

I was and am a utilitarian, as was our alliance made simply for utilitarianism. Simply because you created a better man of me, and I, you. Neither one of us would have chosen this beginning if we’d known how it would end. Together, we were something more, beyond worth and individual potential. We were wordless, infinite and evanescent all in the same breath. We were too much together, losing everything that made us independently prevalent. I feel no remorse, no guilt for ending our brief fraternization. It ended when it became more than us, out of hand. We’d agreed to these terms.

But I grieve for the piece of me that I too left hanging in the air, alongside all those unspoken apologies and hollow compromises that we prayed would delude us from the ugly truths for just a bit longer. We knew, eventually, we’d have to face the brutality of our greediness, the illusion of our safety as it shattered. Still we would cling, cling to that bit of warmth that our union produced, emanating purely from emotion.

My emotion has never done anyone but you any good, and the things I’d begun to feel had become too great to hide. For you, for another calm night of succulent forgetfulness of all that haunts us otherwise, I would give anything I had, and everything I didn’t. You were a gasp of sanity, a sweet, sensual breeze too tame to brave the heat and storms of summer. Living as we did among the petals and perfumes of a seemingly eternal spring left us so vulnerable to the cold that took over after, the cold that marked the beginning of an honest eternal winter.

This is a note to you, a note to explain the harshness with which I treated you, and the nonchalance with which I dashed our consanguinity. I never did it to take from you as it took, to take from me. To tamp my motivation, that impulse to refer to myself and you as an ‘us’, or ‘we’. Though I suppose, there must be some consequence for reclaiming a season I’d never liked much. But you? You had loved the winter. I wonder now if you hate it, because I built it full of flowering trees and warm air simply to hurt you.

I wonder now if you look at your life with ink blotting out my face, with the sharp divergence of winter spilling into summer and autumn. I wonder if it is difficult for you too, to pretend that spring never came, and that I never existed. That you never existed in relation to me. I wonder if you speak of what we were, and whether you can acknowledge it with an ‘us’ or ‘we’ without wincing, as it seems I cannot.

I will continue to love you with a pure selfishness I have no right to, unlike you, who has the right to all of the greed in the world. We took your childhood, your awe and wide eyes, and in return, you gave. You gave to me a second chance, and to us all you gave yourself. And I took, took it all in stride and gave you nothing but coy smirks and slightly less caustic remarks.

But I cannot allow you to believe that I didn’t care for you, because I did, impossibly. More than I had ever intended, nor been able to control. It was always you, the endlessness with which I needed you and the absolute devastation when you walked past as if you didn’t see me. You saved my life, and I saved yours, and we owed one another nothing more, until you saved me once again. Your companionship was a sip of life and I found myself able to breathe, but now I am left imbalanced.

How can a dying man save a life? Without the bitterness and envy, with all the purity and selflessness that you did mine? I am a statistic of the war you fought for us all, another body to add to the rising toll. The war you wish to forget, wish more than anything for it to never happen.

I remember listening, in your hushed voice, how much you had wanted to end the clash before it killed so many, how you believed that you didn’t do well enough as a child, as the child you were. I remember the manner in which you destroyed yourself over other’s faults, because you were and are too heroic, too much. I wondered how you could be so much and love something that was so lacking.

In every way, in fact, it seems we contrasted. It’s a miracle we’d even survived as long as we had. You were strong and dark, all charcoal black and soft features, and I was sharp, delicate to the point that you feared I’d break, light as snow and chiseled until I looked like a geometry lesson more than a man. You loved winter, and I couldn’t stand it. You were heroic, and I was a coward. You were mine and I was yours—there are no greater opposites than that.

At least, if we have nothing else, if we will never land on the same foot or whisper our secrets into the same breeze, at least we will still have those memories.

[wonshik-as-frick]

Purpose is the universe's way of tightening its leash, tighter and tighter until the thorns of the roses growing in your throat start to poke against your skin, telltale bumps along the top of your neck

But the universe is smart. It knows how to tighten just right so no one will ever believe you.

Eventually you will stop trying to make them. So will the universe, but you can still feel the phantom pressure against your throat, and you will start to choke yourself because that way, the universe won't. You think if you can be sure, be positive that something is killing you, then maybe it would be okay to die.

It works at first.

You are okay at first.

And then you realize you are not the universe, you know not how to kill and still allow a heartbeat, nor how to hide the evidence.

You realize you are far more terrified of the universe than you are of yourself. That is your first mistake.

You learn to understand that you are your everything, you are the roses blooming like bloodstains against your lips, you are the thorns leaving pinpricks against your throat, painting you like a black sky with stars piercing through. You are the leaves curling around your heart, trying to protect it, you think, but really you're starting to make it beat slower, the overgrowth crowding your chest, and sometimes helping yourself is cutting yourself away, you think.

Sometimes helping yourself is helping the universe give you a reason to hurt yourself, without allowing yourself to acknowledge that you are the universe. This realization is worthless. You continue to live, deluded, lost, terrified.

Like a funhouse mirror, you are someone you can't recognize. Far too thin around the edges, eyes too sunken, vivid rose petals too stark against dying skin because the fact of the matter is, you are dying.

You don't recognize this as suicide, instead it is something inside of you choking you. At the same time you don't blame it either. You wish you had the courage to do this to yourself.

Congratulations, even if you never realize that it is your screams echoing off the walls, your wish has come true.

When did you take all of the furniture out of your room, made it so empty that it would echo and make you face the truth? When did your insides become so cluttered, like you swallowed everything around you?

You don't recognize this as suicide because you don't recognize you, you don't recognize your fingers when they curl like the tendrils inside of you, bruising your neck, holding tighter and tighter until you can't feel anything but rivulets of rose water running along your neck from the punctures in your neck and no, you cannot call it blood, you will not call it blood, blood means it really is you who is killing you and no.

And no, you will not call the vines curled around your heart depression.

No. It is the universe's seeds planted in your chest killing you. It is the purpose the world gave you, and oh, woe is you, woe is you that the universe gave you something you didn't like and now you're dying for it.

And you laugh now, you stop trying to stem the flow of rosewater now, you let those vines reach for the sunlight they need now, you let the leaves still your beating heart now, because isn't it all so funny?

You died for the only thing that was supposed to keep you alive.

Maybe the universe never gave enough of a fuck about you to give you a purpose after all.

[wonshik-as-frick]

spiderman, spiderman ♪♫♬ 

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HelpStopTheVirus.com

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the quest to Alex's beard is complete and so is my life's purpose

Pre T to 15 months on T.

Watch my transition here.

[wonshik-as-frick]

Eleven months, denied an anniversary of any real worth, denied the chance to say my summer lasted from one a August to the next, forever warm, because it hadn't. Because it cut off at eleven months. We don't cut off at eleven months, oddly enough. Be it youth or that blissful ignorance that everyone faces when they meet at love's door, I'd somehow convinced myself that the day we stopped existing in relation to each other would be the day we stopped existing, period. I told you, somewhere in this eleven months, that the love I feel for you now is eternal. I will love you when I can't recognize you on the street, I will love you when your voice no longer stirs something inside of me, if that day ever comes. I will love you were to me, who you were for these eleven months until the day I die because you have given me so much that I'm afraid eleven months is not enough to repay you. Not that I love you as compensation. If only I was able to actually concentrate and control my feelings to that extent, I wouldn't be such an idiot around you. I want you to know now and forever that in so short a time, in these eleven months, you have given me everything I needed. And I'm so fucking sorry I couldn't do the same, and I'm sorry I didn't even realize I wasn't. Even so, don't doubt what I feel for you. If nothing else, I know I was able to love you deeply and wholly. I love you for everything, love how terrified you make me to love you more. I love that stupid Miranda Sings-y accent you pull, because it's bull but even when I want to die it makes me think about everything beautiful that's alive and really, at the end of the day, you encompassed so much of that. I love your energy, because even when you didn't sleep a wink and felt like complete and utter shit you would still find a way to crack a joke or make some amazingly stupid noise and everyone who heard you would devolve into laughter because that's just what you do. You make people happy. I love your laugh, love how you always seem a little startled by it. I love that even when what I say isn't all that funny you still laugh and manage to make it sound real that everyone else questions if they missed something. I love your voice, and god, I didn't realize until this past month how much. Because in the ten months prior, we spent so much time together it became the soundtrack of my life, like the sound of the train(I live close to the tracks, aren't I cool). But now, when I can't hear if everyday, when you send me videos of you reacting to videos on Instagram without warning it's almost enough to bring me to tears. Which sounds stupid, but you've become so synonymous with all things good in my life, that of course your voice means that much to me. I love your hands, and I love how when I inevitably become clingy and try to play it off like I'm cool(when I'm really just affectionate goo), you nonchalantly let me hold them and pretend nothing's happening. That's a really fucking safe feeling. I know a lot of people aren't comfortable with how touchy I am and when I try to hug them they make a big deal about it because it does make them uncomfortable, and yeah I'm so sorry. But I look at life from my eyes because I'm a selfish piece of shit and I need to touch people and be affectionate to feel okay and connected, and it feels sickening when someone shoves me away because hey buddy, I was already lacking my sense of self if I came to hug you so you pushing me away isn't accomplishing anything. So thank you for somehow always knowing how much I need that even though I never explained it to you. Thank you for being so fucking open minded, because in these past eleven months I've hit you with more fun facts than anyone should ever have to deal with. And you've taken them all with open arms, been nothing but supportive, and done nothing but make me love you more. But the thing I love most about you, the thing I'm most thankful for, is what you have given me(because again I'm superbly selfish). I've had this whole "love and respect everyone regardless of anything" philosophy, but I don't think I understood it. I never knew what it meant to actually love and how nerve wracking it is to extend that love and showcase it, not only to the object of my affections but also to the world. I never knew how much trust it took to believe you wouldn't be disgusted, and how much trust it took from you to believe I wasn't just some weirdo. I've always preached, but because of you, through you, I actually practiced. I love you so much. I will continue too. You mean so much to me, more than I'm able to iterate but I gave it my best shot. Thank you for being in my life, and even when they diverge, I hope that you can find peace and happiness. Because that's another thing you thought me. Love is hoping you can find happiness even if I can't see you find it, or be a part of the reason.