wonderland-rants

[wonderland-rants]

Hello I'm really just kind of sad and a little lonely and kind of just in my own head. Writing on here won't help, watching something won't help, I was so productive today! But now,, not so much. I don't want to go to bed while I feel this way, and I don't want to play games or do anything because if I fuck up I'll probably punch myself in the leg or something, which is something I've been casually doing since grade 10 after I didn't hand in a thing for class and had to work on it for the next day and I felt like a failure and a moron so I bruised my forehead. That was,, 5 years ago? Thats what my math is telling me anyway, and yeah I've been casually at it ever since, and it wasn't self harm because I wasn't bleeding, and mom knew I did that, said I needed help like it was an accusation and then never brought it up again. I don't know what would happen if I told her, but it was because of my responding to the overexaggeration I tend to have about what she asks me to do, and if I told her that I gave myself a little nick on the stomach (I never do that btw, I was curious and honestly it didn't really do that much for me) and punched myself in the leg and scratched at myself tonight because of a conversation she had with me, idk if she would take it well. Or at all.

I need to do something about this or else I'm just,, here. Still doing it, still not that happy, and hating everything. I used to think that running away would do something but it's going to follow. I'm going to follow if I run away the problem is me.

I wish I was the only person I was around. I wish that I could quarantine myself and make sure that nobody has to see anything with me again. And I'll hole up somewhere, playing ukulele poorly and starting projects and never finishing them and spending money I don't have on useless shit I never use. I want to get rid of all my dumb shit from when I was a little kid and pretend I don't exist the way I do now. I don't want to die or anything (though I have a touch of thinking about it if I do something embarassing, but it's not with the serious ramifications that come with that, and seriously I'm not going to do anything dumb), I just don't want to be me. That simple.

[wonderland-rants]

I've discovered something important.

Mom's very manipulating when she wants to be. I don't think she notices it, but it's totally there.

If I tell her the problems I have with this current situation, she has a variety of responses:

An apology that includes talk of how messed up she is, which (again, even if she doesn't know it) is designed to make me feel bad for even bringing up my problems in the first place. It's an apology that makes me want to apologize by the end.

A patriarchy based "I have to be polite to my oppressors and you do too" explaination which I don't really blame her for.

Talking in circles without acknowledging what I say/feel or legit believing that it is as important as what she feels. (This has the result of me feeling selfish for feeling anything, and I didn't even realize until now)

And it all ends in saying it's just the two of us, or that she loves me, bringing it all back to zero.

[wonderland-rants]

So when I was in 7th grade, my mom got a boyfriend who was,,, not great. At all. This caused a lot of Things over the span of like idk 7 years, but I've been mostly a fly on the wall, watching as she makes ultimately self destructive decisions that get me and her hurt. I thought I was clear of that when she finally got rid of his abusive ass a year and a bit ago (she likes telling me it was longer to further a "get over it" point she just loves making), but instead she has taken to someone else who, while not as bad, is still pretty fuckin bad.

It's mostly that he himself engages in self destructive tendencies which get everyone around him hurt. He's severely mentally ill, wracked with PTSD and maybe other things idk, takes a lot of weed (despite it giving me a headache and mom talking shit about my dad for smelling like it years before). He does awful things like pick fights for no reason (RIP Christmas this year, I ate fucking pizza) or promise things that will never happen like extravagant trips or even marriage when they were dating for like idk 3 months. Despite my saying that high school was the peak of me being in an abusive household, this relationship has the best/worst example of literal gaslighting I've ever seen.

There was like 3 months where I was made to believe I was a victim of CSA because I responded poorly to having my head forcibly turned so that he could give me a kiss on the cheek without my consent. I screamed and pushed him away, and they thought I was overreacting, therefore I was assaulted when I was a little kid. (Now that I write that out, that was a really big Yikes anyway). Which sucks because when I was a little kid was the happiest time of my life, and that was purely an attempt to lessen that happiness in hindsight.

I'm finished with him a million ways to Sunday but mom is giving him another chance that he doesn't need! I've seen this shit! I've lived this shit! And I do not need another god-knows-how-long of my mom justifying the worst in people over and over and over. Or pushing me aside to do so. I'm finished.

Well, really I was finished in like 2016 when I went on "strike," staying in my room because I couldn't afford to even think of getting my own place and I thought that maybe I could get her to think sense if she noticed my absence. It didn't really work; it ended because of cheating. I had been in my room for a while. That should've been my first clue that nothing I say actually changes anything.

Cause I'm starting to realize that my relationship with my mom may be a little toxic. When I was younger, during the previous abuse's peak, I began to put her over me. She got the worst, therefore I don't even really matter in this situation. Honestly I'm so fucking distant from myself for this reason. It was only this year that I didn't answer a question about my sexual orientation with a shrug, and I still don't know a lot of things about my personality. I was too preoccupied to realize I was a person. When I was talking to a therapist last term, she said she felt there was love in my relationship with my mom, deep down. But mostly it's just her excusing awful things that result in me getting hurt before talking about how it's only her and me, or how we would do anything for each other, or even a simple "I love you," which I'm forced to say back even if I'm mad.

I want to do the strike thing again, but not to make a point, but because I literally don't want to face any of them. I want to hide and run away and go somewhere that isn't here. I'm in university rn a city over (it's Christmas break, that's why I'm home) but I'm pretty much home all the time normally. I have three terms left if everything works. Then I can go anywhere. I'll be free. And I can't fucking wait.