wonderbutts

[wonderbutts]

All my childhood friends got hot and I got mentally ill

[wonderbutts]

Keep the flame going for those we have lost to suicide. 

[wonderbutts]

I had another nice dream about RDJ. 

I was in my room and some girl came in who looks a heck of a lot like my ex but she was my friend from LDL and I was folding laundry or something and i think Hannah and someone else were there in the other room and I forget how but RDJ was there and I was an awkward bumbling mess, (Aaron Carter or Jesse McCartney I couldn’t tell which )was also there and I was freaking out the whole time in love with him but then he left. There was a helicopter made of gold??

I said something like “Ah well that’s ok don’t mind me I just live here and girls suck. Fuckin girls amirite” the whole time under my breath as I walked into a dorm-style bathroom and back to my room but as I turn around I notice the other women have left and it’s just me and RDJ. And he says to me “Hey I’m single. Do you wanna..?” with his signature raised brow and I say, “Oh hell  yes” all shaky. and then we go downstairs and it’s like an arcade or something and he keeps playing with quarters and I tease him and when he asks for more quarters I say “don’t look at me you’re the millioinaire” 

except I think he owned the place? and then a stewardess type employee comes over and hands him a shitton of quarters

after that we get in a not-so-flashy car (I think one of those 2005-looking silver mustangs) and we take off. I ask, “Hey, can I ask you a question?” and he says “If it’s about why I’m single, I promise it’s legit but I don’t want to talk about it”. so I leave it alone and start trash talking the girls from back at the house like omg they’re so clingy did u see her face etc

We get where we’re going which is a bank? or something anyway we get up to the top floorand he does his business while i hang out and when he comes back to avoid suspicion he has on a wig bc he doesn’t wanna be seen with another person and we step into the elevator but Jason segal is there too with like his girlfriend except he’s wearing a fake mustache and I laugh bc omg these famous ppl trying to avoid attention. 

and so we make out in the elevator really hot and heavy then his wig disappears as we get to the ground floor and he walks out on his own looking super professional and I follow a second later, tugging up ??brown overalls?? over a yellow shirt? idfk and pull on a backpack and walk past him saying something like thanks for the help Mr Downey (or was it Mr Stark I forget they’re basically interchangeable)

and I wait for him across the street and ask what happened to the car and he says oh we’re gonna walk it’s not too far is it and I say it’s a bit of a walk but alright. but at this point im really rarin to go i just wanna get back to the apartment and fuck but he asks if we should stop and eat something first and i say ok do u wanna do something fancy or would a burger work and he says burger so i suggest in n out 

so we go there and i guess he hadn’t eaten there before so he looked at the menu and i ordered from the waitress without looking at the menu i guess bc it made me look cooler and i got a doubledouble with fries done animal style

and so we ate but the whole time im thinking isn’t this gonna make sex uncomfortable and difficult?

anyway we get back to the apartment  at some point and he leans up against a wall and say something to me but i can’t remember it now which makes me sad because it was so nice that i woke up smiling

[wonderbutts]

possibly spiraling back into disordered eating and a large amount of body dysmorphia

it’s okay im trash so i don’t deserve nourishment or self-propagation. wither

no but really i should take my meds and not contemplate death every other hour

forreal

[wonderbutts]

bought razors and beer

want to hurt

a little afraid 

[wonderbutts]

Self-flagellation: a study in education and discovery

i am a pyramidal pile of nonsensical bullshit

i desire and deserve nothing but release from this fleshy prison--

an ascendance to something higher and more meaningful than I will ever be

[wonderbutts]

presidency farce

i don’t understand how the fuck this happened, that donald fucking drumpf got the presidency? that fucking bigotry and illness and jesus fucking ignorance has become the highest power in the land

i may be drunk right now

because i can’t fucking handle the truth

[wonderbutts]

I belong to quick, futile moments of intense feeling. Yes, I belong to moments. Not to people.

Virginia Woolf, A Passionate Apprentice  (via loveage-moondream)

[wonderbutts]

Writing blog

So I finally decided to kick myself in the butt and actually get to doing my writing thing in an official space. Either this blog will lapse in a few months or it’ll become my new vent area (which tbh I need because I feel like my journal has kind of worn itself out and reminds me of bad moments). 

This post is mostly just to see if I like the layout of the blog and see if there’s anything I need to tweak to make it good for me.