wombatsniffer-blog

[wombatsniffer-blog]

Goals for 2019

2019 needs to be a year where I learn to appreciate and value myself for the unqiue individual that I am. So I want to make a list of goals to achieve for the year. 

1. Invest in yourself. This means your clothing (you really need to stop wearing the same clothes from high school. It’s been 4 years now) this also means your art. You cannot make money if you do not consistently put yourself out there and you do not consistently offer a product to sell. 

2. Take care of yourself. Learn to eat healthier, cleaner. Cook at home more. No more $5 slices of pizza. 

3. Force yourself to go out and socialize. You’re lonely because you’ve put yourself in that position.

4. Also-- learn how to save money back. You do really well with rent but it’s important that you learn how to save money back that’s you know, actual savings.

5. ORGANIZE. Go through your belongings, it’s okay to say bye to some of it. 

6. Love yourself, leave A behind. Your relationship was a great learning experience now it’s time to use what you learned in it and move on and grow. You don’t need someone else to love you to love yourself.

7. Be happy. 

[wombatsniffer-blog]

D,

I don’t feel like I owe you an explanation, friendships are something that runs both ways and for a long time I’ve felt like your end of the road stopped running. Probably around that time in Iowa. I feel like things haven’t really been the same since then.

And then I moved away to College.

And then I moved to the city and now instead of being 30 minutes away, I’m almost 3 hours.

I’ve always tried to be respectful that each one of us having our own lives. It’s part of growing up. You go to school, you graduate, you move on. You grow. Some friends grow together and some grow apart and while as much as I love you (and I promise, I do. I always will) sometimes we grow into people that are just vastly different and it makes old relationships hard. So stinking hard. You should know this.

I’m sorry I ghosted you, I’ll be the first person to acknowledge that it wasn’t very mature of me but on the other hand, I felt like it was the best option for me at the time. I’m still not sure if I’ll even send you this message honestly. But you know, you mentioned that A and I don’t really reach out to you. We see things in the newspaper and we talk about it but we never directly go to you. We never take interest in your life. But the same goes to you. I can’t speak to Alli but I know you don’t take interest in my life. You don’t reach out. You’ve barely spoken to me in like 3 years. Of course, the same could go for me too but you can’t just put all of the blame on me when it’s technically both of our faults. Like I said earlier, it’s a two way street.

I’ve been honest with you in the past about this and I’ll be honest with you now, I don’t like the direction you’ve taken in life. I’m not interested in getting arrested. Or drinking until I puke every weekend. Or doing drugs. That is not me. That is not the kind of people I want around me. I think you’re at a really sad part of your life and while I want to be the kind of person that can stick around and hold your hand and tell you that the police are dumb and yeah, you totally didnt deserve that. I don’t think I can. Because I think you do deserve it. You’re so smart, D, yet you choose to hang out with people that drag you down. What happened to becoming a real estate agent? About not being the sort of person who wants to make drugs a significant portion of their life? What happened to all these dreams you had that are slowly being poured down the drain because you’re choosing to keep bad company and don’t want to hear the harsh realities of what you’re doing to your life because of it? I love you, D, you’ve done so much for me and I want you to be happy. But I cannot and I will not watch you ruin your life. I hate getting messages from people saying, “have you seen inkfree?” because your mugshot is on there... AGAIN. I hate seeing that the only issue you have with it is that it appears that you have a double chin. I literally hate it. I don’t know who this person is but man, it’s definitely not my friend. This isn’t the same person. You compare me a lot to who I was in my younger years in high school, when I was a lot meaner and insecure and angry at the world and you say that that M would have hated who this M is but damn. What would then D say about who you are now? I doubt it’d be anything nice, honestly.

You’re so much better than the people you choose to associate with. I hate to say that about people but really, you are. I wish you could see it because literally everyone else does. And I know, trust me, I know how mean this all sounds. I just absolutely took a shit on your entire life right now but, sometimes you just have to hear things and I’m saying it now because I do love you. But sadly, I don’t think you’ll take what I say into any sort of consideration. I feel like you’ll shrug it off and that’ll be that. And knowing that makes me sad. Which brings me back to the comment of me not taking any interest in your life... at this point in time, why should I? You obviously don’t care about yourself so why should I? I’m not going to pour myself into a cracked vase only to leak all over the floor. I deserve better than that and honestly, D, so do you. I just wish you’d see that.

You’ve got so much potential in you. I wish so badly that you’d use it for something other than H and drugs.

[wombatsniffer-blog]

Friday, November 23rd 2018, 3:07AM

2018 has been vastly different from what I expected it to be. At the beginning of this year I was incredibly in love and had high hopes for the future of my significant other and I, I was in school, I was living with my dad and I wasn’t working on my art career at all. At the end of 2018, I had imagined myself moved out of my dads but in a cozy one bedroom with Him. Happy and love oozing out of every pore of my body for that man. 

Yet.

Here I am. 

I am ending 2018 an entirely different person that who I started as. I no longer love Him. He’s moved on and so have I. It’s for the best. I’ve moved out-- bills! They’re so stressful. I’m no longer in school (it’s not for everyone and that’s okay.)  I’ve made small steps towards my art career. I’ve stopped living for other people and made strides in living for myself and have made leaps in learning how to love myself. I hope I stay on this roller coaster going up. 

Yesterday, obviously, was Thanksgiving. After a horrible week of dealing with debit card issues, car issues, general sickness, dog bites... it was refreshing to see my family. Moving away from my mom and my grandma was one of the easiest and toughest decisions I’ve ever made in my life and I struggle with the fact that I can’t just get into my car and go see them but at the same time, seeing them is all more special. 

Mom felt disappointed by Thanksgiving dinner-- the oven isn’t cooking right-- but I’m still glad I drove 150 miles, 2 hours and 45 minutes, to sit at the same table as her and my step-dad. After struggling for years to find a home, to feel safe in my home... I finally found it and I cherish every moment I have in it. I would eat cold turkey and lukewarm green bean casserole every day if it meant that I could see my mom. Things between her and I were horrible for such a long time but now she’s my comfort in every way and I don’t think I could ever express how much I love her. Of course, she drives me up the wall. Constantly. We still don’t agree on a lot of things but damn it! She’s still my mom. 

It was so wonderful to see my grandma too. She’s always been my rock and I will always be so incredibly thankful that whatever is out there made her my Grandma. She’s the most pure, innocent human being I’ve ever met and I wish the world for her. I have so much love that I wish I could just... throw at her! Or something! It breaks my heart when she talks about how lonely she is. I wish I could shoulder all of her pain for her. She deserves so much. So does my mom. 

Without these two amazing women in my life, I don’t know what I would do. 

What kind of person would have I been if I didn’t have them?

What kind of person will I be a year from now? 

I don’t know. I hope Future Me is happy. Still working towards success. Finding the good in at least one thing every single day. It really is the little things that matter. 

[wombatsniffer-blog]

Intro?

I wanted to make a preachy post on Facebook of all the things I’m thankful for this year but didn’t do it because, well, it’s facebook. So while perusing the internet like I normally do and in general just sitting in my old bedroom that feels like it’s from a lifetime ago... I found my old journal from 2012. I was a totally different person back then and I really wish I could sit back with that person and tell them that it’s all okay in the end... but it really made me want to talk about the things I’m thankful for this year. Maybe I can make this tumblr a dedicated journal but I’m kind of bad at things like that so maybe I won’t, so we’ll see.