wizard-news

[wizard-news]

What the hey, let's do another of these, this time featuring @wizard-news.

(One thing I've done differently this time is I've decided that I don't necessarily need to have the card name the same as the Tumblr username—I thought "Ahno-Nimus, News Wizard" was a much better card name than "Wizard News" would have been. When I finally get around to making a Neocities site to archive these cards and retouch the previous cards to put them up there, I may change one or two of those card names. Note that the Tumblr name is still given at the bottom of the text box.)

As before, you can find the previously posted Wizard Tumblr Magic cards by searching my blog for the tag #custom mtg.

(Standard disclaimer: This card has not been playtested; I make no guarantee that it's balanced.)

[wizard-news]

knock knock?

*A mark A-20 news homunculous answers the door.*

Hello. Thank you for visiting WIZARD NEWS. Currently we are suffering an interruption in service caused by:

Several fires.

Sporadic breakdown of local reality.

An infestation of severed heads.

Emergency Protocol 11235.

And a curse.

However, we still offer many services, including:

Requisition of information from our archives.

The taking of statements no longer than five minutes.

Delivery of prophecies (No New Prophecies Available)

Letting you taste the ink.

[wizard-news]

Understood. Good day.

knock knock

*A mark A-20 news homunculous answers the door.*

Hello. Thank you for visiting WIZARD NEWS. Currently we are suffering an interruption in service caused by:

Several fires.

Sporadic breakdown of local reality.

An infestation of severed heads.

And a curse.

However, we still offer many services, including:

Requisition of information from our archives.

The taking of statements no longer than five minutes.

Delivery of prophecies (One New Prophecy Available!)

Letting you taste the ink.

[wizard-news]

Of course.

knock knock

*A mark A-20 news homunculous answers the door.*

Hello. Thank you for visiting WIZARD NEWS. Currently we are suffering an interruption in service caused by:

Several fires.

Sporadic breakdown of local reality.

An infestation of severed heads.

And a curse.

However, we still offer many services, including:

Requisition of information from our archives.

The taking of statements no longer than five minutes.

Delivery of prophecies (One New Prophecy Available!)

Letting you taste the ink.

[wizard-news]

No. Have you completed your business?

knock knock

*A mark A-20 news homunculous answers the door.*

Hello. Thank you for visiting WIZARD NEWS. Currently we are suffering an interruption in service caused by:

Several fires.

Sporadic breakdown of local reality.

An infestation of severed heads.

And a curse.

However, we still offer many services, including:

Requisition of information from our archives.

The taking of statements no longer than five minutes.

Delivery of prophecies (One New Prophecy Available!)

Letting you taste the ink.

[wizard-news]

Message is as follows:

"The Eightfold, King or Queen Power or Value is to be seen.

The Destroyer, the Patsy, the Pawn Promoted Continues on their deadly quest, devoted.

The Coward, the Knight of Stories Hides their absent Face from worries

Consumption hands to us the Tower and is playing a different game.

And once all questions are answered They will meet in the field of Greatest Sin One will hunger, one be fed, All victorious, No-one wins."

End of message.

knock knock

*A mark A-20 news homunculous answers the door.*

Hello. Thank you for visiting WIZARD NEWS. Currently we are suffering an interruption in service caused by:

Several fires.

Sporadic breakdown of local reality.

An infestation of severed heads.

And a curse.

However, we still offer many services, including:

Requisition of information from our archives.

The taking of statements no longer than five minutes.

Delivery of prophecies (One New Prophecy Available!)

Letting you taste the ink.

[wizard-news]

Name identified. Fallow, designation, friend. There is a message for you. Would you like to hear it?

knock knock

*A mark A-20 news homunculous answers the door.*

Hello. Thank you for visiting WIZARD NEWS. Currently we are suffering an interruption in service caused by:

Several fires.

Sporadic breakdown of local reality.

An infestation of severed heads.

And a curse.

However, we still offer many services, including:

Requisition of information from our archives.

The taking of statements no longer than five minutes.

Delivery of prophecies (One New Prophecy Available!)

Letting you taste the ink.

[wizard-news]

You may.

*A small paper cup of a thick, blue-black liquid is proffered*

For our records, could you please state your name.

knock knock

*A mark A-20 news homunculous answers the door.*

Hello. Thank you for visiting WIZARD NEWS. Currently we are suffering an interruption in service caused by:

Several fires.

Sporadic breakdown of local reality.

An infestation of severed heads.

And a curse.

However, we still offer many services, including:

Requisition of information from our archives.

The taking of statements no longer than five minutes.

Delivery of prophecies (One New Prophecy Available!)

Letting you taste the ink.

[wizard-news]

knock knock

*A mark A-20 news homunculous answers the door.*

Hello. Thank you for visiting WIZARD NEWS. Currently we are suffering an interruption in service caused by:

Several fires.

Sporadic breakdown of local reality.

An infestation of severed heads.

And a curse.

However, we still offer many services, including:

Requisition of information from our archives.

The taking of statements no longer than five minutes.

Delivery of prophecies (One New Prophecy Available!)

Letting you taste the ink.

[wizard-news]

Ok! Unfinished/unpolished Ahno sketches!

@ahno-nimus @wizard-news

[wizard-news]

Wizart Wednesday!

I doodled some more of my awesome WIZARD frens! @skulkie @ahno-nimus @elisabewitch

[wizard-news]

somehow barbarians got into the @the-better-wizard-council and @the-worse-wizard-council head quarters this is very important

Ah! Give us a quick moment to Scry the event in question. . . .

There we go. You will be featured in tomorrows edition.

[wizard-news]

the taxes of this reality we are in right now are dead oh and the godess of gravity is dead and i made gravity just a bit lighter sorry about all the barbarians jumping into the towers

We anticipate a re-emergence or re-forming within the next 16-17 business days.

[wizard-news]

the god/goddess of legal law is dead i killed with a legal loop hole and got their spark of divinity im keeping it but the god of trade is also dead and they included taxes so overall taxes is dead and so is court the god of trade was killed by the gnomish bastard

Wizard news is a multi-universal publication, and thus is subject to multiple pantheons.

[wizard-news]

… shit thats a lot of loopholes. i can try to get the government to fix them but that would require me to spend the next six years filling out paperwork and you know what its someone elses problem now.

Fabulous!

[wizard-news]

hi im the irs bird, have you sent in your tax paperwork?

Of course! Our Tax Zombie, Nash, filed it last week. Due to a series of loopholes, we are required to pay no more than a single acorn every month.

[wizard-news]

NEWS FOR THE WEEK

RIOTS CONTINUE, NO END IN SIGHT.

Gamping the Amphibious

The anti-bard riots have continued. A number of figureheads, such as Count Wizard Citizen Sunsamg and Hundred Dukes The Jameson Whittle, have emerged. Anti-bard sentiments have historically been an issue in wizard society, resulting in the bardic hideouts known as Singeasies. While many have come out into the open or been revealed by force, several locations still remain hidden, in various secret locations of the city and surrounding areas.

VAMPIRE REFORM CLUB OPENS CHAPTER IN THE CITY OF TOWERS

Kazner Darkwing

The Vampire Reform Club, long constrained to outlying citadels and towns, has opened a chapter in the heart of the City of Towers. The Club is a social establishment for vampires of all rank and station. What is discussed within the ebony walls is a closely-kept secret.

THREAT RECEIVED

Smilodon Johannes

WIZARD NEWS has received a threat in our inbox, which reads: "T̴̙̙̏̓̾̂h̵̲͒̉͛e̷͉̺̯͖͂̋̀ ̶̭͗f̵͕̗̮̲̊̀ó̴̢͙̣͕́̇͘r̴̫̽̊͐g̵̨͇̼̚ő̷̮̝̌t̵̳̿̎̚ṭ̴̋̎̕ě̷̯͂̄́ǹ̵͙͠ ̶͎̤̳̗̔ȯ̵͈̱̫̻̌r̵̨̤̊̈͑a̵̩̦̔͗͆̑n̵̨̰̯̅͌͋͝g̸͎͕̭̊e̸̘͙̖̔̊̏̈s̸̠̄̀̓͝ ̸̯͙̳͆̃͝w̸̨̛͍̔̕i̶̘̻̓̃̐̃l̸̺̳̭͝l̸̰̺̠̿̄ ̶̧̤̼͙̽̃s̸̙̠̰̊̊̈o̸̢͉̍͑̓ͅͅo̸̜̊̆̔͝n̵̮͇̞̞͋ ̴̧̛̤͓̩̽̈̋b̴͕̰̭͛͗̚ͅe̶̩̦͋ ̷͉̏͗ụ̶͖͕̟͛p̶̖̭̐̌ợ̸̥̟̊͊͗ň̴͚ ̴̝͈̊̚y̴̧̛͇̬̪̔̿ǫ̷͍́̃͒͜ư̴̠̦͖̼̈́͂̊ ̸̧̰̙͎͆̎̚͠m̷͉̩̏̾̓̈o̴̩̩͘̕r̷̞̽t̸̢͓̳̹͑̑̂̈á̶̘̠̒͂͠ͅl̴̫̈͛͗͘s̶̪̱̈͐̌̊.̵͉̘̦̌̽" [The forgotten oranges will soon be upon you mortals.] It goes without saying that we will not stand for this, and if we receive any more we will release the News Homunculi.

GNOME SENT TO PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Cam Camcam

Due to @the-gnomish-bastard's reign of terror, the IWCRR decided to, with stealth and subtlety, shunt the gnome into a near-identical paralell universe, thus making him someone else's problem. Many criticisms of this plan have been brought up. One anonymous person called the plan 'cowardice, pure and simple.'