wineandburgundy

[wineandburgundy]

I want the world to swallow me. Swallow me whole. Swallow my whole existence and every trace of it. I want every remnants of me in other people's memory be erased, I want to be nonexistent. Swallow me, just swallow me whole.

[wineandburgundy]

it’s been a while

hi.

it’s been a while since the last time i came here with something to offer: a piece of my mind to pour. i have to admit i kind of forget that i have a tumblr to take care of until a friend reminds me about it. i feel encouraged to write something here bc she told me to, i’m not gonna lie it’s nice to hear someone appreciate whatever i provided in here. i haven’t really made up my mind about things i should write. to be honest in the past i would usually just sad write everything, so it’s just me being emotional and all over the place. but i kind of want to write something more organized, like my thoughts about some issue, possibly i could call it a very very light essay? we could just pretend it’s an essay, right? at least until i find a more suiting name to whatever writing i wil come up with.

so maybe next post, i will write about something more preparedly? with more thoughts and efforts than this little quick update just now.

i’ll see you there!

[wineandburgundy]

Sepeda

‘ve been planning to get one on August, the chance (to have a good one with such a cheap price) came but I ignored it, let it stale

Now I regret it, why didn’t I listen to my guts back then?

[wineandburgundy]

Fight For My Way

(+) a light-hearted drama with easy to follow conflict (+) Choi Ae-ra’s aegyo is really cute (+) Ko Dong-man’s touchy clingy bf behavior is to-die-for (sounds wrong, i know, but the actor successfully portrayed it without inducing cringeyness) (+) it’s a happy ending drama! (+) about character development of the people in achieving their dreams, makes me question about my dream myself....... (whew hello life purpose crisis) (+) all of the Fantastic Four subplots are interesting enough to follow thus i didn’t fast forward any scene of the drama lol (+) Ae-ra and Dong-man’s skinship is very adorable (+) great OST

(-) CHOI AE-RA ALWAYS CRIED IN EVERY EPISODE I’M TIRED (-) the ending is pretty simplistic/oversimplifying the whole narrative/feels a bit rushed given the conflict

note: (+) means what I like about the drama, while (-) is what I dislike

[wineandburgundy]

curhat banget, sis?

tiap rekda selalu stres, kepikiran, “gue ga ngerti cara ngerjainnya”, selalu ngerasa sendiri, “kenapa orang lain langsung tau cara ngerjainnya gimana”

jadi aja kepancing ke permukaan isu-isu lain: self-esteem, my lack of confidence and competence, my antisocial traits, my inability to ask for help, and the list goes on

dilanjut dengan segala ifs, “coba aja bisa cuti, gue mau ke psikolog atau dokter jiwa, ga kuat bgt asli :(”, “coba aja ga pandemi, gue udah subscribe gym dan personal trainer kali ya”, “coba aja bisa konsi di jakarta, setidaknya gue ga perlu ribet mikirin makan apa pas WFH gini”, and it goes on and on and on

kalo lagi bener dikit lanjut konsultasi ke halodoc, kalo lagi ga bener mgkn googling penyakit2 kejiwaan (i know, i gotta stop self diagnosing)

kapan ya tuhan gue bisa berhenti rekda, lmao

atau kapan ya tuhan gue ga apes dapat bahan rekda lmao

atau kapan ya tuhan gue bisa capable dan ga bingung ngerjain bahan rekda

:(

[wineandburgundy]

Overpacker

Why do I not know how to travel light? Pack things that are only needed? No such thing as double everything? No full size products if I can bring the (ehm) travel size?

A suitcase. A tote bag. A backpack. All are full and heavy containing all my things. Aren't you tired of overpacking? Maybe the airport, maybe the plane, maybe the grey asphalt will laugh at you when you carry your bags almost losing-your-breath-ily.

The next biztrip I gotta travel light. If there is any. Will there be any? I don't wish for one anytime near, though.

[wineandburgundy]

Hi!

Hi, tumblr. Udah lama sekali ga nulis apapun di sini. Awalnya karena aplikasi ini diblokir sama sekali oleh pemerintah sehingga kesulitan membukanya menjadi alasan utama. Bisa, sih, diakalin dengan penggunaan VPN, tetapi emang dasarnya malas ya jadi aja ga beraksi apapun. In fact, sekarang aja buka tumblr lewat VPN, kok. Emang kalau ga ada niat ya ga bisa jalan.

Banyaaaaak sekali hal yang berubah semenjak tulisan terakhir.

Hal paling mencolok: Aku sekarang udah gak tinggal di Bandung lagi. Sekarang aku di Makassar soalnya statusku bukan pengangguran lagi! Haha syukurlah akhirnya berlabuh ke suatu perusahaan juga. Plat merah di bidang operasi bandar udara. Ketebaklah, ya.

Baanyak sekali hal yang berubah lainnya:

1. Aku udah ga bareng bang ivan lagi hahahahaha dan nulisnya ga pake mewek bawang bombay. Senang dan bangga that I've grown from a denial kinda girl to yaudah type of girl.

2. Aku udah bisa nyetir sekarang. Hahahahahaha. Siapa yang sangka, sih? Sebulan pertama menyetir sendiri di kota ini adalah definisi perjuangan banget karena harus berangkat kira-kira jam 6.30 pagi setiap harinya untuk menghindari jalanan yang rada padat dan semrawut. Sekarang udah berani gigi 4 lho akutu. Padahal dulu gigi 3 aja udah serasa melayang. Syukurlah.

3. Ikut samapta mengubah sedikit hal dalam diriku: jadi lebih masa bodo sama hal-hal. Ga gampang setres.

Banyaaaak hal yang membuatku menggerutu juga karena dipindahkan Tuhan ke kota ini: orang-orang yang servicenya kurang, tempat tinggal yang jauh dari hal-hal kesukaan (kosanku dekat bandara jadinya di pinggir kota, gofood makanan enak aja dikit huhu), ongkir shopee mahal, gerejanya susah, gapunya temen seagama yang bisa diajakin gereja bareng terus, dan lainnya.

Tapi banyak juga yang bikin senang kok: bisa tau logat Makassar dan paham sedikit, bisa punya teman dan kenalan baru dari beragam latar belakang, punya penghasilan sendiri (hehe), dan lain-lain yang sedang tidak terpikirkan.

Dan yang paling penting, aku merasa cenderung lebih content, jarang sedih-sedih kepikiran hal-hal. Terkadang grasak-grusuk "Kenapa hidupku gini-gini aja ya?". Tapi langsung menyanggah diri sendiri, "Itu artinya kamu sedang diberkati dengan kestabilan. Bersyukur, Din."

Sometimes we forget such things and take it for granted.

Kenapa tiba-tiba muncul di tumblr, Din? Sebenernya udah dari lama kepikiraaaan banget buat ngelanjutin usaha mendokumentasikan isi pikiran dan perasaan baik offline (diary pribadi) maupun online (tumblr). Selalu menunggu kapan waktu yang tepat tanpa berusaha menjadikan waktu tersebut tepat. Maybe the time is now. Pengen mulai nulis diary kalau udah punya notebook cakep, jadi dimulai dari yang online dulu aja kali, ya.

So here I am.

Mungkin untuk comeback writing cukup sekian, ya. Semoga bisa konsisten menulis terus. Wish me luck!

[wineandburgundy]

a tuesday of nothing

tuesday is supposed to be just another day: of work (for some lucky people who sometimes forget they are lucky and, arguably, talented enough), of routine, and for me: of doing nothing. but my doing nothing this day translated into going out earlier to an appointment (with friends! supposedly) that later got canceled, which to me is now understandable. 

/ there is always that hesitancy of stepping my feet outside of a warm, safe place of my room, of home, to the outer world; and that the trade-off between what i get for going out (most often: meeting with people i don’t really want to meet at that moment that i fear could lead to more disconnection, alienation) and my so-called effort is not justifiable. and by now i stop hating or growing hatred or being mad, the least, to a person who cancels an appointment (actually as long as it is not a professional matter). because i have been there /

i had pizza. the high calories but only slightly (if any!) fulfilling food. i kinda had my plan B. i could really use some notebook. so off to the bookstore i was. 

my doing nothing also involved watching some science show on youtube and receiving emails (in this case, a rejection email) from a company to which i applied, like. six months ago (thank you for the official statement though), google maps timeline telling me i have been to 8 new places and 2 new cities on december (that i am only 356,037 km more to the moon!), being sad and nostalgic about public transportation that is now very rare to find in my hometown.

this is my doing nothing, the part of my tuesday that i can crystallize into words. along with several things i feel like i don’t understand enough to be able to materialize it and some things that i just don’t bother to understand.

[wineandburgundy]

how to close a year

4 more days til the end of 2017, isn’t it crazy? i’ve gone through a lot of hardships: illness, graduating, job seeking. last year my resolution was to be healthier, and thankfully i kind of achieve that? if i may say so. 

this year, well, how do i start.

i’ve tried many things and actually found joy in knowing/doing it: giving away my preloved makeups, selling my preloved books (that i no longer need and want to read), makeups, collecting old clothes and acknowledging they no longer serve me any good (planning to give them away to relatives or those who may need it), using pocket the app, hanging out with a friend i never know would wanna hang out with me, going to a thrift market and buying things i like, 

i’ve lost things, too: my phone in april and recently when i went to paris, and my wallet with all its contents: id card, photos, membership card, bpjs, my insurance card, old memories i want to keep remembering.

i’ve watched 38 movies this year (some of my favorites are: primer, arrival, get out, tony erdmann, dunkirk, coherence, wind river, tangerine, comet, hidden figures) and read 6 books (which are: quiet, the circle, modern romance, sense of an ending, the handmaid’s tale, crazy rich asians)

i’ve discovered/bought new makeups and liked some of them (favorite lippie: sephora lip stain in radiant orchid, eyebrow product: l.a girl shady slim pencil, eyeshadow palette: zoeva cocoa blend, mascara: silky girl big eyes) and also i’m establishing a skincare routine: double cleanse - exfoliate (exf. toner, mask) - hydrate (hydrating toner, essence) - treat (facial oil) - moisturize (light lotion, night cream) - protect (sunscreen), i’ve found many staple: missha intensive moisture essence, la roche posay cicaplast baume b5, snail cream(!), pixi glow tonic, cosrx bha blackpower liquid, nuxe reve de miel lip balm.

i haven’t got any jobs... yet (this never fails to make me feel like a complete loser)

this year might not be big for me, i didn’t accomplish things worthy of publication. i didn’t cure anybody, i didn’t get any medal, i didn’t make many people happy.

as i am writing this, in fact i do not feel great, i do not feel like i am worthy of living, i still do not know what to do in 2018, but let this post be a reminder that a year has passed and all these silly stuffs had filled my day. at some point they mattered, they made me feel i had a place in the world.

i know this could end up sounding like a lame excuse: don’t count your steps with others’ measurement, but it is true, i want to make my life matter to me before to anyone else. i want to accept myself and be happy with what i am. 

in 2018, i ought to learn that.

[wineandburgundy]

it's byudiful

[wineandburgundy]

the city

there is something about this city,

maybe its skyscraper buildings,

maybe its highway roads,

maybe its overwhelmingly large numbers of cars, bikes, and people.

at this particular moment, as i sit by myself on this rather empty shuttle, this city looks civilized, it looks very modern, maybe because it is civilized and modern.

yet

there is something intimidating about this city.

there is a growing fear that this city will hurt me because i can see on its face that it is never a friendly one.

there is some uncertain certitude that i will never, could never, conquer this city, that this city is never mine to begin with, that this city is never for me. that i should know where i should be: not in this city.

sometimes i am wrapped by repulsion thinking how between these skyscrapers there exists people with nowhere they can call home.

maybe this is just how a stranger feels about the unfamiliarity of something completely new and different.

maybe i am just paranoid.

[wineandburgundy]

i am actually excited! yeay! for this trip!

i dont really know what to expect but i am just excited!

i am not really comfortable posting pictures on my more "public" instagram so i might post them here instead!

[wineandburgundy]

it is really hard not to hate yourself when you already try so hard to give your best yet people still see it as not enough :| what more do you want of me? what should i do and change about myself so that what i have done will matter? when will it ever be enough?

[wineandburgundy]

fucking christ I am sobbing

“If the men find out we can shapeshift, they’re going to tell the church!“

[wineandburgundy]

maybe the moment of leap is when it occurs to you that a meme or a tale of humor (even a lame one) doesn't merely serve purpose as a bond between the two of you. something that later becomes an inside joke.

after a day, at night, when you are alone with your thoughts, and only equipped with blur memories, you will want to remember how the laughters are like. how the face changes color, how the eyes squint, how the mouth open.

maybe it is no longer a show of how witty one can be.

and maybe from that on you can be sure of what has come across.

[wineandburgundy]

maybe it was not butterflies 24/7

maybe it was normal that i felt dissatisfied

there are just so many things i really do not understand, i do not know

[wineandburgundy]

Year

Odd

/

Even

Year,

Does it matter?

Were my guesses just coincidentally right?

Or had I discovered pattern?

Or were they merely self-fulfilling prophecy?

When it arrived it didn't feel odd, maybe because nothing could top anything that had happened. Especially when you had been entertained by the idea of it happening. The next year will be an even one, will it be just a messy one?