wilhelmfink

[wilhelmfink]

3.11.25 - 10:29pm

brain heavy, so naturally, i'm back.

tomorrow i'm cutting my hair off again. "hair holds memories" etc but I don't think that's why. well, I guess i've been growing it since late 2021............ right ok so maybe it should go lol.

I'm tired of feeling the heaviness. annoyed with how long it takes me to do it up. I miss the feeling of little hair on my shoulders. it's freeing. and it looks cunty, or it will in all the ways I want to style it. I say that every time, but I feel like I actually have the tools and determination to do it this time.

It's march 2025.

chappy died the same day ping did. 3 years apart.

we hadn't spoken since june, but she texted me. my heart dropped. I loved him so much. he was so sweet, and full of personality, and he was so funny. he was such a good little boy. it was so hard to know that her and I couldn't be friends anymore, because I knew it meant losing him too. it was hard enough realizing that things with her would never get better.

so I spent sunday crying. looking at every picture and video I took of him. I lived with him for one and a half years. in that time I probably clocked more hours with him than she did.

It's a complicated thing. I feel so terrible for her, that she had to go through something so traumatic, make such a devastating choice. it hurts to know she doesn't have as big a support system as I did, but she did it to herself. looking through all the photos of the time we lived together, picking out the ones of her and chappy to send to her, was obviously upsetting. we were inseparable for so long. so chaotic. happy in our bubble. suppressing a lot. partying a lot. but at least we were together. I always wanted to see the best in her, I wanted to be the friend it seemed she never had. it makes me so sad to look back on it now. I know it was the only choice, it was driving me crazy in the end and all of the little transgressions of the past became too insurmountable and impossible to ignore. it just hurts to have to ignore my impulses to do more for her right now, to offer the world when I wish I could. I feel evil, seriously. but I did what I could, gave her all the photos I had. I know I can't get sucked in again, it's far too late for that even, that bridge has been long burned. I just loved him so much. I was always afraid I loved him more than she did. I just hope. she's okay. has friends around her. her mom. anyone. it's such a terrible pain, and he was so young. sweetest boy, I hope he's with jip and ping. he did play with their toys when he came to richmond, so maybe he recognized their scents.

chappy's passing has led to a lot of reflection on the past. I saw waldoe for the first time since summer at ray's, one of the two times i've been this year of course. he slunk out facing away from me pushing past samantha. fair I guess. just another thing I feel bad about but have to remind myself that me leaving him was valid and also a long time coming. I think about how difficult all of our conversations were. how it felt impossible to communicate. how I literally spent the entirety of 2023 with him. we were constantly together, a 10 minute walk apart. it's hard to go to brooklyn and not think about him. we spent so much time together it's actually crazy.

I'm such a people pleaser. I want everyone to have nothing but fond memories of me. it sucks that there are people who maybe have nice things in their head to think about me, but will probably only say bad things. I always try to be positive or empathetic in some way when talking about people who aren't in my life anymore (yes, even to the demon spawn) because i'd hope that's what people would do for me. even if I know they probably aren't.

logan is looking really bad, which is awesome :)

i've been listening to my 2016 playlists a lot for some reason. the urge hit me and i've been listening all week. it's fun and... weird... to submerge myself into a time period I don't often revisit. to remember all of the little things I thought about while listening to these songs. walking to class, in the common walking to beacon hill, sitting alone in my room waiting for my boyfriend to talk to me. yikes.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how forgiving I am to him. hey - let's actually do an exercise i've been thinking about lately.

to all the boys i've loved before ~

M - i'm very sure I thought I loved him. I probably did. but it was very small in comparison to what I would eventually feel. I was never in love with him, it was a lot of lust, and it was verrry toxic. I was fulfilling a fantasy, checking off a bucket list, my last teenage fling. the guy I had a crush on through high school. I don't think about him or care about him. if I saw him in richmond I would probably laugh at the mere sight of him and... I don't know if i'd say anything really. wtf would I say? did you enjoy voting for trump? fuck off lol S - my first experience being head over heels in love. the first time I wanted to marry someone. didn't matter if he was one of the only straight guys at the castle, it felt like a match made in heaven. yes, there were more ups and downs than I can count. it got so unnnnbelievably bad at times. it's depressing to remember how codependent I was, the things I let him say to me because I believed we were meant to be. the highs were so high and the lows were crushing. lmfao, I guess it makes sense when he told me years later he was diagnosed with bipolar. despite it all, he's the only one I have any lingering fondness and care for. even if we hadn't had a whole friendship stint in our first new york years that ended kind really awkwardly. i've forgiven the mistakes of two 20 year olds who didn't know what they were doing yet. i'd still be excited to see him if I ran into him. we could always talk for hours. L - I deadass can't remember what it felt like to love him. I have mental pictures in my head of moments I know I felt that bliss in, but I can't remember the actual feeling. the few times i've read something old i wrote about him in our better days, it's like i'm reading fiction. I recognize my writing style, but not the material. where those memories were, with that love we shared (?), is a dark, grey, echoing cavern. wild thing to say someone's longest relationship, I know. but this year the time we spent together will be elapsed by the amount of time we've spent apart, that cave is still barren. and i'm fine with that.

I'm not adding rays boys because that was a fever dream, and there were only two that the L word applied to. two is generous. I definitely loved waldoe, but was never in love. I think because I always knew it was temporary, even though he didn't, which turned into a lot of pain. rhys... was unexplainable. yeah, I still don't know how to explain any of that actually. i'll leave that to summer games.

i suppose as my current relationship progresses, it's just prompted a lot of thought about the past ones. it's funny, I don't want to say i'm surprised or shocked by any of what I feel for him, because it all feels natural - but it's so much bigger than anything i've ever felt before. it makes me wonder why I put up with those other things for so long. why I thought it was satisfactory enough to have nothing in common with someone, to fight every day, to be scared, disappointed, exhausted, stuck, hoping something will change. and i know i've said all of these things before, but I was still only 21, and only had a fraction of the life experience i do now. plus i didn't have a frontal lobe. I don't have regrets, because I learned a lot, but it's kind of weirdly interesting and... fun?... to look back and see all of the terrible things that I simply don't have to put up with anymore. "dating my best friend" except i'm actually doing that. dating a guy who was one of my best friends for years. where the timing was never right but we loved each other still. it's so fucking cool. feeling the years and all the time it took to bring us together. feeling this much love for someone, I wonder if the world has trouble holding us up. he's on my tv right now streaming a new game. his voice is music to my ears, the lightning in my veins. his presence is the first sip of an iced tea on a warm summer morning, that breathless feeling in your belly after an uncontrollable laughing fit, a weighted blanket of melatonin after a day spent in the sun. "dream come true" and "love of my life" are too cliche and small to capture the wonder of him. i'm in love like I never even knew was possible.

well, i'm glad to end on a high note. i'm gonna put my hair serum in, do my skincare, and fall asleep to my boy playing his game. maybe i'll work out in the morning. I have to move my dentist appointment to go be rambunctious with my friends, shocker.

what did you come here for?

with love, to you, tumblr. thank you for listening again.

11:454pm

[wilhelmfink]

periodic self-reflection - 10.29.24. 11:58pm

we're gonna do a little check-in. few things have been weighing on my mind.

earlier tonight I saw my first roach in my apartment. I screamed repeatedly as I tried to shoot it with a gun while my dad egged me on over facetime. this is: living alone in the city of dreams!

one tab over, my boyfriend is streaming a scary game. I don't like this one, but I love his voice, so somehow I can still fall asleep to it. funny how he is starting his night as mine is ending (a little later than it should, but that's cross-country long distance for ya).

I'm in the midst of my first ultra-viral moment. it's overwhelming. my first tattoo is probably second to this, and then all of my halsey twitter moments after that. it's exciting, and unexpected. bit whoreish of people not to compensate me for the views i'm bringing them as, oh idk, a cover image on nowthis for example. ah well, guess all that work painting my face saturday night for a costume i thought of in june ended up paying off somehow.

halloweekend has a record of being a little cursed for me. i'm not going to say it's over this year until after thursday, but it's had a shit reputation over the years. the past three years were actually comically bad and fully traumatic. the past three halloweekends changed the course of my life. all in ways that have become quite positive and have transformed my life in unexpected and beautiful ways.

speaking of. this is hard for me to say. but I have a sneaking suspicion that I haven't let myself fully open up to any of the people i've met or grown closer to in the past two years because of how I lost everyone two years ago. i've just felt such a divide between how I act with my friends of 9+ years vs those i've known for a few years or less. and of course, certain levels of comfortability come with time, which is what i've dismissed it as. but i've noticed more and more around my newer friends (who i've still known for 1.5 years at minimum, which is crazy!) that I really hold back from more difficult conversations, giving them advice that they might not want to hear - basically saying anything that might upset them for even a second. I feel like it's made me a yes man, someone spineless. I feel like my judgement is permanently fractured. I want to believe the best in people, I see the world behind the delusion of very foggy rose-colored glasses. i rarely let myself think of things negatively (unless you've really done something to deserve it) because I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. I think my friends deserve better than what they're settling for, but they also know that. and I know that as much as we tell each other that, that true realization and subsequent change has to come from them. i've been where they are, and I was abandoned when I didn't follow orders. so, I think it's a mix of being patient with them, but also saying the hard things that they might not always want to hear when they come to you. which i've been trying extra hard to do lately. I think i'm just so permanently terrified that the people i've grown to love and be so happy around will also up and leave me too.

another thing that has felt, refreshing, I suppose - is again, how I feel with my friends of 9+ years. she told me the day she broke up with me that I was unable to have intelligent and thoughtful conversations (nice!) so naturally I wondered if I was actually a fucking idiot who couldn't comprehend more than the clique series, re-watching the same movies and tv shows over and over- oh wait, we actually had that in common! lol. well anyways, I rediscovered over time that that actually wasn't true! i've been so lucky the past year to spend so much more time with my best friends- all of them, as scattered across the country as they are- than I have in years. having the chance to talk for hours about anything and everything without worrying about the clock running out. hehe era went incredibly hard, and i've felt such youthful joy in remembering that alcohol doesn't need to be involved in order to be social in any capacity. I really think I used alcohol as a crutch after her. her words dug so deep and they truly fucked with my self image, so I fully let loose and bought into the party girl lifestyle that I was dabbling with as 2022 progressed. and I don't have any regrets about that, I truly think I needed to live that crazy lifestyle for a while to find myself again - because I ended up getting some wonderful friends out of it, and countless stories. and looking back, I think I know why she said those things to me. in about the eight month dissolution of our friendship, I slowly held more and more back. just about everything I said and did was met with judgement, doubt, or a fight anyways (not unlike the previous 16 years, but it really ramped up) so I just shut up. and because of it, I felt farther than ever from my best friends that I had been inseparable from for 4 years. I was already bad at confrontation and talking about uncomfortable things, and i'm sure me choosing "just shut up" definitely made things worse. at the time though, that seemed like the only option. every day felt like suffocation, and I never wanted to feel that way again.

and yet, i did. but instead of repeating my doormatting pattern (at least, to avoid breaking any previous records), I took them out of my life. some I gave too many chances. one I left without a word and explanation, because she already knows. it hurt because I saw pieces of my past behavior in her, things I wish I could've apologized for once karma brought them around. but then she ended up being just as worse, if not totally irredeemable, as almost anyone could've predicted. another's anxieties kept manifesting in ways that hurt my friends and I too many times- and once I felt that familiar lack of air, I knew it was over. the last one slowly choked the air out of me with his monotone berating, leaving me passed out from exhaustion on my own couch as my body fought for a way to escape. and it wasn't always that way, it was good for so long. it was so pure, I can tell from the way I wrote about it last year. but i don't think i'd be able to remember those feelings if not for those honey-coated musings.

It's been two years and I feel like I just started feeling like myself again. it sounds like a long time, but it felt like the blink of an eye. 2022-23 were for fucking around, trying everything, processing grief, partying, sex, meeting new people, hating brooklyn, grabbing all the pieces I liked and chucking them into the future to take with me whenever I decided I was ready to sit down and sort through it all. and then, standing under the BQE after eating one of the greatest sandwiches of my life, one admission to an old friend with a complicated yet lovely history elicited a swift emotional punch to the gut - and something clicked. have you ever felt years of pent up love suddenly burst out of some pair of metaphorical, idiotic gates you built in your head? but you're glad you built them, because you wouldn't have ended up where you are if you hadn't? for the first time in two years (or seven, if you want to cut that deep) we were finally ready. and I could write about this for hours, but I just checked the time so I gotta wrap it up soon. plus I wanna save all the love juice for some long mushy essay I want to give him on some other special day :)

all of that to say. that moment kind of put a blanket of calm over an area of my life that was definitely the subject of irritation over the years. a sigh of relief replaced all the sharp intakes of the past. so I spent 2024 falling in love, spending almost as much time living in a cozy apartment in the city of my dreams as I have jetsetting around the country and across the ocean, floating down a river with my parents that I can call my second home, never going too many days without seeing my lovely friends, dedicating time each week to therapy with my mother that I begged for for years that changed both of our lives in the best way imaginable, and living the dreams of my inner child - from running around the studio and the scottish hills where they shot harry potter, handshakes outside of the parent trap house in london, romping around disney world and disneyland where sad is basically impossible, and going back to visit both my high and middle schools to cap it off.

I feel very proud of the person i've become in the past few years. I feel very new and improved, but I also feel like i've found and reconnected with pieces of myself that got a little lost along the way. I never understood what people meant when they said those things, as it can sound pretty generic- but now I do. and i'm smiling to myself because i did all that work without even realizing it some of the time. there's still so much I want to change, and improve, and muse over until I decide what's right for me - which is good, and doesn't negate any of the progress i've made so far, which is a lot!

there's always more to write, but it's past my bedtime, if i even have one anymore. i love this place for always listening, even after 15 years- wait. more than half my life has been on this website

okay. that's a different crisis to have.

happy halloweekend, kids. pray for me, i'll pray for you.

love. 10.30.24. 1:35am

[wilhelmfink]

9.21.24. - 1:15am

feeling very 2022 as of late.

bangs are back. air is getting cool. change is in the air.

I wonder if this is how she felt when I thought of moving to los angeles. maybe he's right, if he had encouraged me even a tidbit I would have gone. but at that point in my life, anywhere seemed better than bedstuy. and when I, for the first time in so long, felt tied to nothing, los angeles seemed possible.

so now, here I am. my best friend is moving out of new york this weekend and she's going to be in la next year. of course i'm bitter in the funny way where I give her shit for moving to a worse place. a place made of plastic. a vacation destination that is actually garbage. blah blah blah. in n out fries suck. she's delulu for thinking otherwise.

I know it hasn't hit me yet, it will eventually. I am terrified for when it does. but one thing I won't do is make her genuinely feel like shit about it. she's doing what she feels is right for her, and she's a little sunshine of a girl so she'll do well anywhere she goes. i'm sad it's far from me, but she's got flight benefits. i'm traveling more every year. i've had long distance friendships my whole life. it's just another one </3 nothing is different. everything is fine.

It's times like these that I have to reflect on what happened two years ago now. I always thought I wasn't a people pleaser, and I wasn't one until after my breakup. it's so funny, to have that One Breakup that changes how you live your entire life. your priorities. the one that makes you a people pleaser. the one that makes you bend over backwards to avoid losing people, and it still isn't enough, and it's not in the right way. you hold onto the things that seem important, that look like the future you've always wanted. in some ways it is. to others it isn't. you get the gossip girl/365 party girl stories you've always wanted, you don't regret a single thing. you have the wildest stories that a year ago, you wouldn't have ever imagined possible.

you wonder if she reads this ever, even though she told you years ago she wouldn't check it anymore. doesn't matter if she does. you couldn't be farther, even if you are somehow in the same city.

dreamt about will the other day. it happens more often than you'd think. saw him through a doorway somewhere and tears streamed down my face as I was lost for words. we always stare at each other for so long before something breaks. so many emotions i'm still trying to process, through writing, through therapy, etc. every conversation we have in my countless dreams goes far better than I fear it would in real life. I wish I was stronger - wish I had stood up for myself - when it mattered.

there is so much anger and resentment. bewilderment. shock. I suppose it all has to come rushing back this time of year.

It feel surreal, the path my life has taken. i'm sitting here in my own apartment in the middle of the city I spent my life staring at. my best friend who lived 20 blocks from me is moving away this weekend. my boyfriend, who they used to say was as big a manipulator and gaslighter and lovebomber as matt was, won't be here until next year. I never thought we'd date, never thought long distance would be an option on the table again. but going back to surreal - how do you feel inexplicably pulled to one person in college, from 2017, through your four year relationship, and he ends up being the first person you sleep with after it, remains a constant in your life through all of your mutual turmoil, becomes one of your best friends, giving each other dating advice but fucking when we're in the same city, timing always off, until everything clicked into place in december, and again in january, and again in april, may, june, july - and suddenly you remember what it felt like to feel forever. and it feels like this is how it's always supposed to be. you're grateful for the time it took to get here, because you never would have been ready in college, or two years ago. but you are now and every day is as full of love and joy as the last, and you're 3000 miles apart, but it feels like nothing most days. wind extinguishes the flame but fans the fire.

what a fucking whirlwind of two years. I love my girls. I love my boy. my chaotic story. my silly little haunts. i'm going to miss my best friend. one thing i've learned is to not take people for granted, because I know I have. and i'm gonna miss her being so close to me a lot. why do all my bestest friends have to be long distance??

the world has seemed like it's going to end so many times before, and it hasn't. it only got bigger, and filled with more love than I thought possible. fuck, do I love my friends so much. do I love the friendships I spent so much time nourishing after giving what felt like everything to them. i'm so excited for next week. next month. christmas. next year. the years after. i'm so happy. so many things to do and learn and grow from. aaalways look on the bright side of life.

excelsior.

1:56am

"and my intent is to breathe, in a new world

don't be sad for me"

[wilhelmfink]

reflection of us (2023) - 9.9.24 8:06pm

It's been a minute. just wanna jot.

hey.

I'm listening to iichliwp by halsey but it's on the lighthouse, and this isn't the energy I wanted to write to. i'm gonna stall until it's over.

I come here when things are bad. or really good? maybe? or perhaps just when i'm feeling nostalgic. a lot has changed since I was last here. in january, I returned with a vengeance. hurt and betrayal I had only felt once before filled my bloodstream and I avenged the girl who was ripped apart years before. it's been nine months and selfishly, I had no regrets. I do have other ones though.

I wrote this the other night when I was in williamsburg:

9.3.24 - 10:28 I love williamsburg. it reminds me a lot of you. it’s not a bad thing, just a sad thing. I always knew a lot of things I never told you because I was selfish. I loved how it felt in the beginning. how special we felt. i felt like a socialite in a lot of ways. we got in everywhere. you were confident and cool. everyone loved us together. I spoke another language with you - it wasnt me, it wasnt you, but its how we understood each other- and eventually didnt.  im standing here at metropolitan waiting for my train home to manhattan. we used to get ramen sometimes, near the end. your apartment was such a safe space for me. its a place where I could turn my brain off and smell you and feel you love me and could let my love for you overwhelm my senses. my common sense. I wanted to believe we were more than I knew we were. I never saw the future that you did and I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. it was so selfish. I just loved what we were so much. it’s fucked up and i wish I had ended it sooner for your sake, honestly. we’re just so different.  I know when I see you out that there’s nothing we could say to each other that would make anything better. you seem to be thriving, getting everything you want, and i couldn’t be happier and more proud. I honestly always felt like I was holding you back and i'm glad to see you reaching your full potential now.

It's weird, the aftermath of a relationship you knew was temporary. unfollowing is sad, but why would he stay? so he can stick around to see me and the guy I told him not to worry about? I hate how that's the "tldr" of it all. I hate that I did the thing that's hurt me before. but then I have to remind myself, if I was truly happy with him then three days with sam wouldn't have changed anything. but they changed everything.

there's nothing we could even talk about if we tried. he's doing everything I watched him to do his exes. i look at him on purpose, he accidentally looks at me and immediately averts his gaze.

It's odd to remember at the end of this summer that we spent the last one being practically inseparable. and now we'll probably never speak to each other again? that's so sad to think about. but again, what would we say. I wish we could be friendly. I wish there was a way I could still support him, but I feel like I hurt him too much. and then, I forget that he hurt me too. I forget how much every second near the end hurt.

I said everything I needed to in the last texts I sent him. the only things I wish he knew were that I never thought things with sam would end up here. i'm happy they have, beyond so. but I don't want him to think I was lying about our friendship at the time. and I guess the other thing I'd want him to know, or whatever, is that I wish we could be nice and cordial and friendly to each other when we see each other. I wish I could go to his sets sometimes. I wish we could smile at each other, even if it's sadly. I still feel a lot of anger towards him sometimes, but I also feel sadness, and also appreciation for what we had. but i'm not the only person feeling things. I don't know what he's feeling, but I know based on today that he officially wants nothing to do with me, which is a pretty clear sign. so i'll keep not saying anything. if I see him I won't outright ignore him, i'll leave that up to him. he did mean a lot to me. and last year was wonderful in a lot of ways. I just felt majorly unheard, and was scared, and acted selfishly at times.

he deserves success and happiness. I hope he learned some things about himself in all of this too.

[wilhelmfink]

mommy issues, 4/4/24 11:07pm

I’m so exhausted from trying and trying and it never getting reciprocated. 3+ months of therapy together and two days before the final session it’s like nothing even changed.

there was so much growth, I felt it, I was cautiously optimistic, she even came here and things were fine(ish)… but now… I feel hopeless

maybe it’s the wine. but wine tonight doesn’t negate the phone call from two days ago.

how is this happening right before our last session? I was running out of things to talk about. I was feeling good. and now I feel like it was all for nothing.

soooo much money, dude.

and I have to have this conversation at 8am. and then immediately go to the office.

I’ve never let my mom’s horrid comments affect me too much (they were constant, perhaps I’d bitch but I didn’t internalize them because it’s her problem - and it was simply SO OFTEN) but I think this time it’s hitting me so hard because I thought she had grown. and then she said it was insulting that I told her there wasn’t any growth. and she said I couldn’t take a joke. and it took it all back to square one.

as hopeless as I felt at the homestead.

just sad. and embarrassing. fuck.

[wilhelmfink]

curled into a ball and I can’t stop shaking

haven’t felt this brand of nauseous since august 2021

all because i saw a man’s location at a girls house

while they think nothing of me

a man I trusted

I gotta stop doing that I guess

but seriously

how do you forget

anyways

I was wondering why I’m having such a panicked visceral reaction and duh

it’s because logan traumatized me

and its happening

like exactly again

right now

and I can’t breathe right

I barely ate today

I cant even force myself to cry because I’m so shocked and dumbstruck

im fucking

just

what the fuck

[wilhelmfink]

break you right back

[wilhelmfink]

july 25, 2023 - 12:31am

Thinking.

Keep reading

My face stings from popping it open about 20 times. All along the jaw, whatever that means. I want to start gua-shaing, or whatever it is. I want to buy weights and work out again. There's a lot I want to do. Vyvanse to curb my appetite that's only here because I'm happy? Isn't that a good thing? I'm back to where I was before.

I told someone new about what happened almost two years ago now, and shivered until I fell asleep. At least I was in his arms.

Thinking about how surprised I am to be here. About whether or not I should be, if I should still be ferrel, but he's the only one I ever want to be with. I just didn't think it would come this fast. Two years later even, and I'm still surprised. I'm in a sweet little bubble. Living in light terror, but things can be so soft and bright with you.

Thinking about how funny it is that your "repulsion" still leads you back to our playlist. Thinking about how officially I got the ick. Thinking about how afraid I am of you sometimes.

Went through a phase where I was dreaming of the past. I wake up thinking, "if only it were that easy", and then remember why it isn't, and why it shouldn't be. Everything she doesn't know. Damage running years deep. What a damn fucking shame. Fucking spineless cunts.

Thinking about my little dogs, and all their tiny mannerisms I stared at, kissed and cried over, whispered endless sweet little lovings to them for their whole lives. Thinking about how there will never be a day I don't miss them, where I don't miss how their fur felt in between my fingers, how her little nose would snort little snots all over my face, how he aimed his tongue, striking his target every day. His sweet little butt, her soft pink belly. It never ends. It's never fair. My love has never diminished, not by a bit.

I think I'm gonna try and craft a finsta post. I'll see you soon.

[wilhelmfink]

i love telling new people about my trauma w my ex and having little tremors and shakes for the rest of the night 💞

[wilhelmfink]

SNOOPY's LIFE in a BOTTLE (re-ment)

[wilhelmfink]

Halsey follow me on tumblr challenge @tiredandlonelymuse I’m an emo writer too

[wilhelmfink]

I found the bio on my secret tumblr

2014

Actress // Filmmaker // Writer

RVA native - Boston local - NYC dreamer

Love and worship SNL & BrBa

Love and worship my two dogs, Jip & Ping

2022

Creative Strategist // TikToker // Comedian // Writer

RVA native - Boston, the Netherlands, Los Angeles in between - present day New Yorker

Loving myself and trying to act like it a bit more

Love and worship my two dogs, Jip & Ping, who I'll spend the rest of my life missing

-

Fun Facts:

I’ve been on tumblr for almost four years now, which is a pretty long time.

I've been on tumblr for twelve years.

I recently realized that I’ve been spelling Massachusetts wrong for the entire time I’ve been living here.

I lived in Massachusetts on and off for four years. I was in love by the time it was time to move to LA, and by the end I couldn't stand it. I was just biding my time before I moved to New York. As soon as I left, I missed the life I had built there. I used to go back monthly. I haven't been back since 2020.

My hair was accidentally dyed blonde after I asked for caramel highlights and I am sad.

I chopped my hair off in 2016 and again in 2021. I dyed my hair blonde for the first time on purpose on Christmas Eve, 2021. Gotta do something after a breakup rocks your world, right?

Every time I hear Elton John I get super nostalgic for Bonnaroo.

That day at Bonnaroo still stands as one of the best of my life. But I have lived so much life, and have had so many more breathtaking experiences since that I couldn't have even imagined that day on the farm if I had tried.

Boston doesn’t have Chickfila or an exceptional taco culture, so I’m suffering.

I think there is a Chickfila in Boston now. It came in right after I left. As far as tacos, Bartaco in Seaport is one of my favorites. However, it is a chain, so Boston itself still has shitty taco culture.

I miss my best friends very, very much. You know who you are.

I lived some of my best friends from home when we first moved to New York. I'm living with one for another week. I've made so many more since I wrote this, and now I'm missing them.

-

What a time capsule. Eight years. I don't even know what to say.

[wilhelmfink]

8/21/22 - 11:07pm

Last night, I crawled into my bed at 3:30am after one of the most accidentally emotionally taxing nights in a long time.

As I stared at the ground beside me, thinking about how at any moment, I could cover it in puke, I thought about the last time I felt like this.

This time, there was a man sitting next to me, asking for truths that curdled in my stomach. Telling me things so horrible, that the I couldn’t help but think the timing was strategic. He’s a Gemini, I have to take it all with a grain of salt. I get butterflies sometimes, but I forget they can be warning signs.

So full. So empty. So sad that it came to this. That all these feelings gathered and imploded in the way that they did.

I miss him in my bed. I wish it could’ve stayed that simple.

[wilhelmfink]

I hate to say it, I really do.

But I'm gonna miss the fuck out of you.

[wilhelmfink]

August 5, 2022 - 7:29pm

It’s times like these

When I realize how vastly different my life is now, compared to where it was last year

But in the way where I hate being alone. And I miss having a person.

Alone in a house where I only really know two people.

Getting put in a big room with a pit in my stomach because I know there must be a mistake, because I’m only one person, and it turns out that it was.

Being in a big group and having no one to turn to because everyone has someone

And last time I was here I had him.

And I had Ping.

I love excuses. And they were my favorites.

Always an excuse to run away to my room. To turn in early. To get outside. Always an escape plan when I ran out of things to say. When I didn’t know what to do.

Now I can’t text the one person who’s been consuming my time. I can’t reach for him because he’s not the one, and it gets worse at every turn, and every time I reach for him it’s for the wrong reasons. And he’s tied so such terrible people. I miss him, but do I? I can go days without talking to him and feel fine. It’s only when I’m in the city, and I feel like having sex, and I know I’m going to Ray’s, and I want to feel a little loved there.

Until he told me he loved me of course. Then I pushed him away, and subsequently pulled him closer. I guess I just had to give it a shot.

But I knew. I don’t know. It’s still such unfamiliar territory. I don’t know what to do out here. I miss stability. I miss being in love. So much so that apparently I’ll risk anything for it.

I can’t do this right now.

I just miss having someone to escape to.

[wilhelmfink]

norman fucking rockwell

7/13 - 1:13pm

goddamn man child... you fucked me so good that I almost said I love you.

Right now, or later today, I imagine you'll be sitting on your plane on the runway, staring at the New York skyline across the water, thinking about how I'm over there somewhere, and you fucked it.

Or maybe not. Maybe I have no idea what you're thinking.

I'm just the girl who you told you'd visit for a night. That actually, as it turns out, you would have time to come visit in the city. That maybe you'd let me take you to Ray's, that maybe we'd eat burgers together, maybe you'd see the apartment you talked about fucking me all over for months.

you're fun and you're wild... but you don't know the half of the shit that you put me through.

I had been counting down the days until you were on my side of the country since February. Since before I even knew the date. I just knew you'd be here eventually, and I dreamed of how we'd spend our time together.

I picked up on your less than interested attitude, your worsening depression, and I thought, obviously it'll all get better once he's here. Once he's with me.

but I can't change that, and I can't change your mood.

How could you be so close to me, and not even make the slightest effort.

It hurts to know you were just talking. Making plans, telling me what we could do, what you missed about the city, how you'd bend me over and choke me as soon as we were alone, just for you to crumble. Of course you never told your parents you were planning to come into the city. Of course they made plans on the days you told me you'd be here, because why would you be anywhere else? And why the fuck would I go out of my way to see someone who, as it turns out, doesn't give a flying fuck about me?

but you're just a man, it's just what you do... your head in your hands as you color me blue.

I can't help but partly blame myself. But along with lying to you, I was lying to myself, too. You take up such a big part of my heart and my head, and for what?

I hope you had a great time in Jersey. Who am I to want to disrupt your reunion with your family? To make your life any harder than it already is?

So I'll just disappear. One of your shoulders to cry on simply vanishing with the wind. Are you even thinking about me on that plane? Do you think of me when you look at the city I begged you to come to for months? Do you think of me when you miss her? I've always been there for you. Why, I don't know. Because I've always wanted you in one way or another, and you always want the things you can't have the most.

It sucks because no matter how hard I've tried to convince myself otherwise, and convince you otherwise, you know you could have me if you only asked.

So you know there's a playlist about you. You know I'm heartbroken. You know I'm upset. You know I'm not speaking to you. And what are you doing about it? Nothing.

you act like a kid even though you stand six foot two.

It's not on you, I guess. You made it clear from the start what we were.

But then I think about all the times I sat in your lap while you worked, kissing and biting each other in between every sentence. All the conversations we had wrapped in each other's arms in your bed. My nails in your back and my head in your neck, pulling away and locking eyes with you just as Billie Eilish crooned "i love you"... we both gave a half-hearted, oh-fuck, breathy-semi-laugh before our lips met again. The hours spent alone, driving around Los Angeles, taking me to your favorite burger spot, picnicking in Beverly Hills, walking to the edge of Santa Monica Pier, hand in hand, kissing me as the sun went down. Burning through a $300 dinner in Venice Beach, conversation as endless as the cocktails we ordered, blowing you on the drive home, parking in the shadows as I climbed on top of you in the drivers seat somewhere in the hills above Encino. Singing every word to Inside as you drove me to LAX, watching you wipe away a tear as you drove off after kissing me goodbye. Talking every single day for two months straight, until it stopped.

I knew in my gut why it happened. It took you months to tell me. But I just had to swallow the hurt I refused to feel and keep moving.

Now, as I sit here in the eye of a hurricane of the same mistakes, I know exactly how you felt, all those months ago.

I'm still trying to rationalize how you must have felt something, even though I look back and see it all clear as day. You did exactly what I'm doing with him.

I'm doing it all with him. And he's lovely. Deserves nothing but the best.

Why wait for the best when I could have you?

I don't know what's happening. I know, unfortunately, that I miss you. I can't believe our once chance to fucking see each other, probably for the rest of the year, came and went and you didn't even bat an eye. Did you ever care?

So now, we'll sit here in silence. We'll see how long it takes for you to make the first move. We'll see how long it takes for you to get so bored that you crawl back to me for a healthy serving of validation. Will it be when you're finally alone again at the airport? When you're staring at the walls of your new, unfamiliar home that you've been dreading? When Lindsey has Vince, Kreiger has their partners, and you have no one except a girl to pine after in NorCal?

I don't know if there's any coming back from this. You don't even know.

Your head in your hands as you color me blue.

[wilhelmfink]

this is so classic tumblr days of me to reblog I literally cannot resist