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How to Know if Someone is Heterosexual

Well gang, it’s been over three years, but I’ve returned. What could have awoken me from my peaceful slumber, unaware of all the shitty and unhelpful WikiHow articles scattered across the website like so many grains of sand?

The answer, dear readers, is this piece of shit. 

If you, like me, are desperate to find some heterosexuals so you can use them in ritual sacrifice, this is the perfect article! It’s been a long, difficult road up until now, being unable to identify 95% of the population. But WikiHow, bastion of well-researched and excellently conceived article ideas, is here to help us!

Let’s get into it.

There are so many reasons to hate WikiHorrible, but my favourite reason is that so many of the articles seem like missives written from an advanced yet utterly confounding alien species. “Watch the heterosexuals. Observe their handedness. But DO NOT conflate their average look, once thought to be the hallmark of any heterosexual, for any definite proof. That’s what handedness is for.”

I also love the “CPR Instructional Booklet” style of the illustrations in this one. Look at the woman’s sly look! “Aw yeah, this guy’s probably a heterosexual. Can’t wait to tell the girls about this one.”

Befriend them! Learn their hetereosexual ways, so they may be harvested for their vital fluids that will help incubate the Alien Queen!

I’m still sort of confused who this article is for. Is it for LGBTQ folks on the prowl for potential partners? Lines like “Most heterosexuals tend to assume one is straight” make it seem like that, but this is all so maddening and unclear that I’m considering it was written for a maddening and unclear purpose too.

Again, loving the illustration. Chad has no idea Marcie is befriending him just to learn his sexual orientation! 

Boy a lot of these WikiHow articles can be solved with the step “Ask them”, huh? Maybe there’s something to it!

Nothing like reading through an article only to discover the heterosexual was inside you all along! Also, I’m a big fan of the “It shouldn’t matter to you”, as if the article suddenly realised the entire premise was hot garbage! Wow! 

But yes, there are plenty heterosexuals in the sea. A wise saying my Grandmama used to tell me.

Oh, great fucking tip. “May I remind you that you’re an idiot for even reading this article again?”

I’m enjoying this increasingly exasperated WikiHow article. WikiHow fights back!

But...why do you need to know if someone is explicitly hetereosexual? I know this is the entire premise of the article but it’s continuing to baffle me. Is this person really into categorizing their friends’ exact sexual preferences? I do not get it.

Well, that’s it for this edition of “WikiHow: Website for Lunatics”. Have a great day, and don’t forget to closely observe strangers’ behaviour for signs of heterosexuality!

[wikihorrible]

How to Do the Black Magic

Hey kids! What's that dance sensation that's been sweeping the nation? That's right -- the Black Magic! Grab your goat's blood and pentagram stencils and let's get going!

While a lot of modern religions fall under the banner of "witchcraft", they usually don't involve actually casting "dark magic spells" of "unimaginable power" on "yon Purest Christians of Virtue True". But what this article is saying is...maybe they should start.

Oh yes, and most importantly -- this article features the return of the freaky anime illustrations.

Oh, how I've missed you.

Did you try weapons? A brawl with your bare hands?? SCHOOLYARD GOSSIP??? Yes? Then your only remaining option is to summon a demon or whatever. Let's get cracking!

So..."inspired by WikiHow article" ISN'T a good reason? Whatever, me and that anime babe over there do whatever we want.

I quite like the spooky mortar and pestle in the foreground - she is no doubt about to make some cursed guacamole.

According to the photo, she has dealt out a spooky looking ghost and received it in turn THREEFOLD! That is a lot of spooky looking ghosts, you guys.

Show me someone who's died from a spell backfiring and I'll show you someone who was allergic to the guacamole they just made (it was cursed after all).

"Oh, but they all sound so fun! Decisions, decisions!"

So since I've never seen one of those demon dudes roving around town, I guess no one has every decided to summon a demon? They've just been holding back? Or maybe those demons are very shy.

"Yeah...it's actually Rodney. I know it's not a very impressive name for a demon or foul beast, but it was my grandfather's and my mom thought it'd be a great way to honor his memory...anyway, should I kill Stacey or just severely maim her?"

Make sure you get a full pedi before you step into your circle of power! Remember, Satan is a real stickler for proper foot care!

You may have to wait, uh, a few years to actually meet the demon. Yeah, a few years.

What a world we live in today, demonic beasts not being loyal to their summoners. Why, in my day, demonic spirits were the friendliest! You couldn't walk down the street without a demon tipping his head at you.

You might as well get some chores down in the meantime -- laundry, grab some dinner at Taco Bell, maybe catch up on the grout removal in the bathroom. And, you know, preparing for the evil that will come.

Yes, we wouldn't want this to get silly or anything.

I wonder if you can get board certified in Black Magic, and if you can if it's all politics on who gets certified

Oh jeez, I dunno, I'm going to have to consult my local certified BMP (Black Magic Practitioner) before I do anything crazy like that!

What are magical tools? Like, a pickaxe haunted by an old timey prospector? A hammer that summons the actual MC Hammer? Nails...that are evil???

The dark soul thing I've got covered, though.

Read all about that old Black Magic here: http://www.wikihow.com/Do-the-Black-Magic

.

[wikihorrible]

How to Get a Girl Using the Player Method

Hey players! How terrible are you feeling today? What's that? Pretty fucking terrible? Then have I got the WikiHow article for you! Today we'll be leaning about "How to Get a Girl Using the Player Method". What's the player method, you may ask, if you're not a scumbag? Well, I guess you're going to have to read and find out! Are you feeling nervous? Just remember this solid advice:

oh okay thanks

I don't know why more WikiHows don't start like this -- for instance, on "How to Make a Chocolate Souffle" it could start with "If you already have made your souffle and consumed its chocolatey goodness, skip this."

Things Girls Like:

- Sex and the City

- Shopping

- Every single guy after talking to them briefly

Dames, am I right?

Aw shoot, now I need to amend my list of stuff women like to include "being stared at". Make sure to quickly look away when caught, that certainly doesn't make you look even creepier.

Actually, you know what? Starting at her and never breaking your gaze is even creepier -- all O_O

"This guy I just spoke to briefly who was staring at me is flirting with another girl? BUT I THOUGHT I WAS HIS ONE AND ONLY!!!!"

yes, thanks to delusion, you too can believe this is a way that rational human beings behave

Now, remember, CONSTANTLY CHANGE YOUR APPROACH. Make her think you've suffered a stroke. Women love strokes (my list is getting so long)!

I love the "don't look at her", like if you even acknowledge her existence you'll no longer be a player. "What, what's that sound? There's certainly no girl over there! Oh my God, this bar is haunted! Ghosts everywhere!"

I feel like we missed a step here, but maybe I need to chart it:

Actually, this checks out. Oh, Player Method, how could I have doubted you!

Aw, but I was having such good luck ignoring her! And consequently being ignored!

Or, you know, she might lose interest when you act completely uninterested and act like a little shit and flirt with other women. Of course, it's more likely that your timing will be the issue here.

This makes me sad there's no way to interact with people without acting like a gigantic assbag, but that's just my Utopian side talking. Clearly to pick up a woman you need to flirt with other women, honestly, that's Seduction 101.

"Watch out using this method, it's fucking cynical and is predicated on making your potential partner feel like shit. Happy seducing!"

Check out the original here http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Girl-Using-Using-the-Player-Method

[wikihorrible]

How to Live With Step Brothers

Today on "really specific issues people need solving" is "How to Live With Step Brothers". Apparently the hit film "Step Brothers" wasn't enough, so we need to whole thing fucking spelled out for us. And no, yelling "You're not even my real brother anyway!" is not the way to live with step brothers.

Look how happy these presumed step brothers look! Thanks, WikiHow!

Off to a good start, with some incredible step brother-related advice! Get to know them, eh? This is the kind of radical new ideas that I come to the internet for!

Despite what you see in all the step sibling porn you watch, a full-on kiss on the lips the first time you meet your step brother is not appropriate. Of course, they might be into that but that's a conversation for another day.

Keep your feelings deep, deep inside yourself...where they can linger and fester. Festering is good, right? Like, "oh this wound is festering, this is exactly what i wanted"

Ugh, no. This is like when you're going on a trip when you're a kid and you ask if you can bring a friend and your dad says "Your sister is your friend" and it's NOT THE SAME DAD, GOD!

You must hide your love, keep it secret, keep it safe. You don't want people talking. They wouldn't understand.

Then he'll just...throw you away. Like all the other step brothers. Do you want that? No? Then keep your goddamn distance and realize what an amazing thing you have.

Oh...Chad. I miss you.

You know what? These are actually some very zen statements. I feel like a religion could spring up around these two general ideas. "It seems you are fighting over the TV remote of your heart. Remember our sacred words: Be nice. Go in peace, step brother."

It's also nice that their conflict is culled from crappy sitcoms. The TV remote! Heavens!

See for yourself here: http://www.wikihow.com/Live-With-Step-Brothers

[wikihorrible]

5 Ways to Touch a Girl

Hello friends. Are you like me? Is your ultimate goal in life to touch...a girl? Like, a real live one? Well, you too can experience the joy of mundane physical contact with a total babe if you follow these directions from noted not horrible website WikiHow!

What's that, you say? You won't be able to follow the directions unless there are some unsettling anime-style drawings accompanying them? Well then, you forget what website we're talking about here.

The horror...the horror.

"Sigh," the human female thought to herself, tossing her hair back and forth and engaging in other female activities, "I sure wish Johnny liked me. But he hasn't touched me yet! So I guess we're just friends. Into the 'friend zone' for him, which is hard to escape, I have read!"

Like most normal humans, I make decisions about relationships based on levels of touching.

Smiling and laughing lead to touching! And we all know what touching leads to -- obedience and servitude, not to mention plenty of sex.

Is she more of a spunky anime heroine or a demure Victorian damsel? Tread lightly if the latter, their demureness is often a cover for secret vampirism - or so I have read. Demureness is often measured by the size of her hat.

Follow her around in a suit of armor! Challenge her to a joust! Declare a small area of nearby land to be your fiefdom, and rule it with terrible malice! Then touch her or something.

Girls are notoriously bad at navigating uneven surfaces, and your attempts to keep her upright might be the only thing saving her from breaking her spine. Girls love not breaking their spines!

what the fuck is going on here i don't even know

she clearly wants to escape, dude. BAD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH!!!

OH MY GOD YOU'RE GOING TO GET LOST IN THIS CROWD OUTSIDE THE ORANGE JULIUS

TAKE MY HAND OR WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT TO THE SUPER SALE AT OLD NAVY

"Especially in the cheek area" -- and as we all know, a touch on the cheek area is golden. I also like the warning about applying too much pressure, because that is absolutely not common sense when removing something from someone's face.

When removing an eyelash from her face, make sure you also don't hit her.

!

lying to touch a girl is so kawaii

!!!

when did we veer into serial killer territory holy fuck

did he seriously recommend taking her into the woods

i'm scared now

Oh yes, you mustn't appear creepy when removing imaginary debris from her face in the woods. Rub her hand with your thumb! Rub it...that's right.

DO NOT ATTACK MASSAGE HER PEOPLE I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH

Should have specified that earlier, as I clearly now need to read a different WikiHow.

i knew he loved me when asked me to go parachute jumping in tandem

good bye friend zone, hello excitement zone!

I'm picturing a guy sitting at his computer, with a pad and pen, reading this and nodding to himself -- "Of course! You don't tickle the random ones! Stupid, Chad, real stupid!"

The drama and gravitas with which this guy treats the friend-zone is...unnerving. Also: spy on her! Watch her day and night! Is she touching anything while she's sleeping? Better watch her to find out!

Whatever you do, don't listen to her! Do NOT let her leave the attic! That is her home now, and you will touch her face there at your leisure.

"So...that Bulgarian cutie wasn't leading me on after all. I guess I owe Marishka an apology."

Oh God, let's not.

See for yourself at:  http://www.wikihow.com/Touch-a-Girl