wifemotherchildofgod-blog

[wifemotherchildofgod-blog]

Social Media

From being in my late teens, when I first discovered computers, I was hooked to things like yahoo chat rooms and msn messenger. I had online "boyfriends" because I had no confidence actually speaking to a boy face to face, yet looking back I probably put myself in danger more than once! I was clueless. Then I started using Facebook. I was addicted. Sharing every little thing with the world. How I was feeling almost second by second. Every photo I ever took! I was almost on it more than I was in the actual room! 

 A friend once said to me that she was fed up of coming round and me always being on my phone and on Facebook when she was there to spend time with me. I didn't believe her at the time and thought she was exaggerating! Now I look back, I realise she wasn't! I have battled with it ever since I have had it. I have had 3 different profiles. Through coming off for a period of time then going back on but starting afresh. Deciding who to add and who not to rather than the whole world and everyone I've ever met! 

 The thing with social media, it's a very handy tool. It does help you keep in touch, it does help you get stuff out there - especially if you are in business or trying to raise awareness of something. It can be a very good thing! Unfortunately for me, and I do believe for many others too, it can also be an addiction. A feeder of insecurity, comparison and a place of utter loneliness! I'm quite a people person... well, I used to be. These days I try and balance myself more. I do know that I had, probably still have, an addiction to the feeling you get when you receive a message, a "like" or a comment. Especially on photos. It got to the point where I would be taking photos specifically thinking about posting it and who would respond etc. Never living in the moment because I was too bothered about getting that perfect photo that would portray how amazing my life was to the world! Sometimes I still find myself doing this even though I don't have anywhere to post it. Unfortunately, this is where social media falls down because it shows a fake life. It shows all the good and not the bad, and then when people do share the bad stuff they become one of "those" people! The ones who are always complaining and moaning, when in fact they are just normal and struggling like the next person.

I have not been on Facebook in a social capacity for 18 months. I had to remove myself from it altogether. My insecurities are what feed my mental health issues and so I just had to take myself out of the situation. This is because I would find myself checking friends profiles to see who'd been hanging out with who and who had commented on what, and then feel left out if I wasn't included yet I would be happy to post photos of me with some friends and not others and probably excluded others in the process! It was just ridiculous! 

I do have a Facebook profile now but I literally use it to manage my pages and to be in groups that are relevant to work and things I'm promoting etc. I have stopped all notifications of texts, whatsapp, Facebook and Facebook messenger from popping up on my phone. My texts and whatsapp make a noise to notify me there's a message but nothing pops up on the lock screen or appears at the top when I'm using my phone. I have to physically go into the app to see what message is there. This has really freed me from a lot of things that were holding me down. 

Please believe me when I say, I'm not saying Facebook and other social media is all evil. It is a hugely valuable tool and it can actually be quite hard - especially in business or community projects - if you don't have an account these days. But at the same time I see the damage it can cause to people's confidence, and how they see their friends, and themselves. It takes over and it also stops people communicating and actually speaking because they've put everything on Facebook there's nothing left to talk about! I know that's what I did. I am thankful that I have managed to find a reasonable balance. Some people might think I'm crazy and that I'm missing out, but I would disagree. Sometimes I think, ignorance is bliss!

[wifemotherchildofgod-blog]

Do not be anxious about anything...

I have read this verse in Philippians 4 over and over again over the years! I first struggled with my mental health, 15 years ago, just before I got married. I struggled with depression and had counselling to try and sort it. I was then healed from it through prayer while I was on a Pre-marriage weekend. I have since suffered with that and anxiety on and off over the years and have had counselling a number of times including cognitive behavioural therapy. Thankfully I have never felt the need for medication, although at times I have been tempted, I have always managed to get through it by talking to a counsellor, using God's word and practical methods.

I think a lot of my issues stem from childhood and the way I view myself because of what I went through. I know mental health is so complex and some of it can be chemical, while some of it can just be circumstantial and some of it can be spiritual. I get that it's not all cut and dry... but I do sometimes wonder if the chemical imbalances that we find aren't just due to a set pattern of thinking or behaviour repeated for so long that eventually our bodies start to compensate. I know that I wasn't born anxious. I do know that I was always quite shy and unconfident. I then also know that I went through a lot of bullying as a child and teenager and that I carried some of those lies spoken over me into adulthood. I also know that this caused me to be fearful in many situations especially relationally and within conflict and confrontation. 

This fear of certain situations and events has been repeated constantly and maybe more frequently over the years for whatever reason. Now, unless I really keep myself in check, I can honestly say that 90% of the time I have that feeling of dread that you get when you are about to do an exam or make a speech. There is often no apparent reason for this feeling. There are triggers that make it worse, but it is there almost constantly now and for no good reason. I have so much good going for me in my life. I have been married to an awesome guy for 15 years. I have 2 beautiful, healthy girls who make me so proud daily. We live in a lovely home, with fantastic neighbours, we have amazing support from my parents. My knowledge of God and his word, and my relationship with him is at it's strongest. I have the pleasure of being a stay at home mum, with my own car. I am so very blessed in so many ways, yet every day I am plagued with this feeling. It almost doesn't make sense. 

I could let it stop me, but instead I try and use it as a fuel! I know that some of what I feel is a spiritual attack because I am trying to do my bit to build God's kingdom. I also know that some of it is through issues that I have struggled with for years and although I make regular progress, that's what it is, progress. So I just want to keep on keeping on, doing my calling and learning as I go. The verse about not being anxious is a comfort because I know that despite my feelings and this feeling in my chest, God is in control of all my life.

[wifemotherchildofgod-blog]

Church... Being planted in the house... One body

Church. A bunch of Christians... imperfect, sinful, with extremes of personalities, age, background and perspective. All trying to build something... well, for the most part anyway, that they can be proud of. To glorify God, and seek first his kingdom.

Now, I know not everyone is in church to build. Some people just go because it’s what they've always done. Some go because they like the social aspect. Some go because they feel it somehow makes up for the rest of the week. I would like to think on the whole though, those who have had a real revelation of who Christ is and what is has done for them, want to fulfil the great commission and build His Kingdom here on earth... reach the community and see many saved.

Unfortunately, distractions come in. We become so wrapped up in who said what to who, why we haven’t been noticed or appreciated, that we aren’t getting enough out of services, being let down by leadership etc that we forget why we’re really here. All these things are valid things, and they do hurt! We know people will hurt other people because we are all sinners and as much as we try to do the right thing we will never make everyone happy all the time.

Someone recently gave me an article called “How am I meant to survive church when...?” and it covers things like “when it hurts”, “when it’s boring” and “when it has exhausted you”. I found it interesting. I’m sure that whatever church you are in, you will have frustrations. I grew up in the same church from when I was too young to remember until I left home at eighteen. Since then I have been in three churches of my own choosing. The first one for three years while I was a student. It was a big church. I was unconfident and struggled to get involved because I lacked the big personalty to get in there and make friends. (It was where I met my husband though which was a good thing.) Our next church we were there for 7 and a half years. It was much smaller. Much more like what I had grown up in, and from first going I felt like I was somehow home. There was a feeling of family, community and like we were part of something, and that we actually mattered. After 7 and a half years we left for 3 years and went to another bigger church again. I loved the worship. I loved the preaching and I loved the fact that it really felt we were building something. People were being saved weekly. There were baptisms regularly and so many ways to get involved. We left for various reasons, but mainly I missed that sense of community I had felt at our previous church, and having two small children, we also went back because it was 10 minutes away instead of  half an hour. I wanted to be part of a church local to me, so I could actually invite people somewhere they would realistically go.

We have been back around two and a half years now, and I won’t say it hasn’t been hard at times. The reason we came back may have seemed like it was for the friendships we had, but since then a lot of them have changed or moved away, so God has other plans. It’s hard work building a church, which I suppose should go without saying, because building anything whether physically or metaphorically is manually or mentally taxing. Despite this, I feel I have had more of a revelation in the past twelve months about my calling and what I feel I, as a Christian, should be doing, which is positive. 

It is easy for all intents and purposes to seem to be walking the walk, and talking the talk, but in reality not wanting anyone to take us out of our comfortable group of friends, we don’t want to show anything of the real us on a Sunday. No vulnerability. We say and do one thing when we think the right people are watching, and something else the rest of the week. Distracted by the things of this life. Caught up in issues that needn't be issues. I’m not ruling myself out of these. I know I am very easily distracted. Pulled into politics of relationships. Going down truly negative mindsets and pulling others down too. 

The enemy knows that if he can distract us enough and enough of us at once, he can tear down the body of Christ. He only does this because he knows the power of a successful church. Some people probably don’t like the word “successful” when it comes to a church, but I can’t word it any other way. I’m not saying a church is failing if it’s seeing no salvations, no growth and no willingness to change from a large percentage of the congregation whether through ignorance or not, but to me a successful church teaches the truths of Jesus, it caters for the unsaved, new christians, makes disciples, builds people up, reaches it’s community and works in unity, as a family, and as a body who has one goal. Raising Christ’s name, and building his church. 

Its easy to blame leadership, the worship team, other christians for why we are having problems in church. Having been to various types of churches myself, and finding I have got different things from different places, I have found that the times when I am most on fire are not because of anything anyone at church has or hasn't done, its the times when I take responsibility for myself. Only I can have that true relationship with God. Only I can read my bible. Only I can ask the Holy Spirit to guide me. Only I can have a hunger for every little thing I can be taught about his word and put it into practice.  Too many of us want it all on a platter. 

If the worship isn’t as you’d like, focus on the words. How are the words I am singing giving glory to my God? If the preaching isn’t as entertaining and easy to follow as you might find online, take notes! You might find it hard to take in at the time, but reading your notes back later and asking God to teach you even just one thing from them will help. Plus sometimes we may not find something relevant to us at the moment it is taught but God may bring it back to our minds later, when the timing is perfect. If the relationships aren’t going the way you’d hoped, look at the people who you wouldn’t necessarily mix with, look for those who need encouragement or blessing, look at yourself... are you waiting for people to befriend you, or are you putting yourself out there? 

Last, but by no means least... If you’re not happy with the way church is going, do something about it. Strive to be part of the answer. Maybe God has put you there for such a time as this. Don’t become disillusioned, negative and unresponsive. 

Being planted in a church is one of the best things we can do for our faith. Sitting at home, watching preachers on the internet has it’s place, but there is nothing like the sense of community you can get from a church who are all striving for the same thing. Not seeking to pull each other down, but seeking to encourage. Not seeking to cause trouble, but seeking to build bridges. 

We are called to “Do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with our God.” (Micah 6v8) God showed justice, mercy and grace when he saved us, we must give this to others. If we all followed these simple steps, we would all be united for one purpose, and church wouldn’t be half as hard as we seem to make it!

[wifemotherchildofgod-blog]

Yearning To Be Accepted

When I was at school I never really fitted in. I’m sure a lot of people would say that, but in a lot of ways I just didn't understand the world from a “worldly” standpoint. 

I had a very protected upbringing which I am thankful for in so many ways, but when it came to relating to others, my outlook was so “christian” I just didn't understand certain things.

High school was the hardest part. Through various circumstances my 2 closest friends at the start of the school, were off longterm and never really came back. I became a bit of a loner, because I had no idea how to make friends - especially in already established groups - but also because I wasn’t up to speed with a lot of popular culture, I had nothing to associate myself with people.

I was bullied a lot, and got a lot of stick for actually wanting to learn. I didn’t understand why you would want to do anything else but learn at school, because I didn’t have any friends to distract me I suppose. 

The feeling of not fitting in and being an outcast has followed me into adulthood. I would say that 90% of the times I have suffered with depression and anxiety and have had counselling have been due to how I deal - or don’t deal - with relationships.

I used to read books about groups of girls who were friends and I loved the idea of having friends like that. The Babysitter’s club, Sweet Valley High... You get the idea. And I did have friends. I had friends at church mainly, and a couple of friends over the years at school - although mainly lads towards the end because they were just less complicated than girls overall. 

Even now in my mid thirties, I still have that yearning to be accepted, but whenever I seem to have a group of friends, something happens and I am reminded of those groups of girls that used to intimidate me at school, and I find myself engulfed in insecurity, fear and lack of confidence. Buried in comparison. 

I feel I have to measure up all the time. Like I am never quite good enough, funny enough, cool enough, caring enough. I know deep down that all this is a lie and that God has made me perfect in my own way, and that everything I have to offer is valid. Yet something about groups of girls - or should I now say women - fills me with self-doubt, and I feel others are silently judging me. 

I’m not saying it’s not all in my mind. I have been hurt over the years, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes because people genuinely are just human beings and make mistakes, sometimes because of the way I react - or even don’t react - to a situation, and sometimes I’m not even sure if it’s real or paranoia.

What I am learning is to try and let go and try to forgive. People are imperfect beings. They will let us down no matter how hard they try not to. I have learnt to focus on my relationship with God and not obsess about being part of a group, accepted and loved, because I am accepted and loved. As I just try to build his Kingdom, God will provide the right relationships at the right times for when I most need them. 

In the mean time I have a husband, two children, my family to be thankful for, plus various friends who I know are there when it’s important. The main thing is, I am a child of God, he knows everything I have ever said and thought and done and he still accepts me. What more could I ask for?

I’ve by no means cracked it. It’s a start though.

[wifemotherchildofgod-blog]

Full circle

When I first got married, I’ll admit, I was naive! I was young, I was in love and despite many people telling me what a huge decision it was to get married, I truly believed that we would never have any problems, that we’d never argue, that our true love was better than anything anyone else had experienced. So how would they know? We were going to feel the same way forever, and nothing would change that.

Of course, you all know what I’m going to say next. The bubble eventually burst. It had to. My view was rose tinted and ridiculous! Realities of life, plus the imperfection of being human comes into play, and suddenly the butterfly, lovey dovey feelings you thought would stay with you forever, are replaced with arguments over finances, where you’re going to live, how much time you spend together and you begin to feel slightly robbed of this amazing “feeling”. 

Which is just it! It’s just a feeling. Feelings aren’t to be trusted. The real test comes when realities drop into your bubble. For so long I was ruled by how I felt. Feelings can be overwhelming, and they can seem very real, but they lie. Love starts as a feeling, as an attraction, as butterflies, but if it’s going to grow it needs to become a choice! 

You make the vows before God... for better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, In sickness and in health... and you make those vows in your rose tinted bubble, but it’s in reality that you must remember them. You choose to honour those vows - that person - and your love will grow. 

There is no doubt in my mind, despite my naive outlook, I was in this for the long haul! I had been brought up with a great respect for marriage and what it stands for and it was hugely important to me that it work. 

Unfortunately, there was a slight glitch around eight years in. We had stopped communicating. We had been through many a crazy argument over the years, often ending with one of us going out and not coming back for hours. We had had money issue after money issue - mainly through bad decisions and budgeting - or lack of  - on our part! We had moved countless times, a couple of times in a hurry and stressful circumstances. We had both had various jobs over the years. We had finally cleared our debts, and we were trying for a baby to no avail, while everyone we knew seemed to be popping them out around us. 

We got to a point where most evenings we would either be out doing things separately or we would be sat on two different couches in the same room, me on my laptop and him watching tv or playing computer games. We would argue about ridiculous things, and I started to wonder if this was just how life would be forever. Especially as it seemed like we would never have children. (Not that I am saying you should ever have children to fix things! Ever!)

I didn't go out looking for anyone else. In fact, when i realised I had developed feelings for someone of the opposite sex, I was shocked. This wasn't me. Yet, somehow I justified it. I let down my guard and barriers I should have had up, and let someone else in. Of course we were “just friends” so the fact that I was hiding this “friendship” wasn’t an issue, was it?

I realise now, that we had left out the biggest and most important ingredient. We had forgotten God in our marriage. To an outsider looking in we probably seemed like we had it together. We still went to church and we still served, but under the surface things were just a mess and I was living in anxiety as I let things go further and further emotionally with this other guy.

After it all came out, people who knew about it said more than once “You must be relieved that you didn't actually cheat.” Which I guess is the way most people would view it. Things didn’t become physical, that’s definitely true, but to become emotionally attached and reliant on someone who isn’t your husband is probably more dangerous. What goes on inside our head is more powerful than we realise. 

Why do you think that it says in the bible that even looking at someone of the opposite sex is as bad as having an affair? You let yourself have that second look, and you have no idea where it will lead. Speaking from absolute personal experience, it is as damaging as an affair. You are still betraying trust, and putting something or someone else in a marriage which should only involve you, your spouse and God. No one else! You are letting yourself go down a path that is much harder than you think to come back from.

(For more about emotional affairs follow these links to some very helpful and insightful articles... http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce-and-infidelity/affairs-and-adultery/emotional-affairs?_ga=1.1900920.876502595.1488479582 

http://jimdaly.focusonthefamily.com/mike-pence-right-keep-boundaries-around-marriage-guest-post/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fs_dalyblog_mar31_2017 )

Without going into the ins and outs of it all, thank the Lord, with complete honesty and support from friends, family and a marriage counsellor, we built back that trust, and got through it. There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret what I did. I know that we both had a part to play in our marriage getting to the place it did for me to go down that path, but I still did a lot of things and hid a lot of things that I am not proud of, and to this day I still occasionally struggle with myself for letting myself, my husband and my God down. 

What amazes me the most through it all is that I can honestly say that when I was going through it, I could not see how things would ever change. I thought my marriage was over, and I got to a point where I almost didn’t care if it lasted or not. That’s a very lonely place to be in, but on the other side of it - when I see others going through things, I know that even at the lowest breaking point, when it seems hopeless, there is always hope. Hope for restoration and happiness again.

Of course we still have our moments - who doesn’t? - but I feel that although I would take it all back in a heart beat if I could, what we went through meant we got the help we needed. Now we are in a place where we know that no matter what happens we can get through it together. We now have two beautiful children, and things are just fantastic. You just have to realise that nobody’s perfect and that lovey dovey feeling that you think is so amazing, is only the start. If you start to choose love, even in the hard times, you will realise just how much deeper love can go. Love takes work, and can be a daily choice, sometimes hourly, but choosing it is the best decision you can make. For yourself, for your spouse, for your children and before God. 

What makes me smile now is that God is using us, and what we’ve been through. Just this week I emailed the very same counsellor who got us through our issues, asking if they would be happy to be put on a list that we will be giving out when we run The Marriage Course at our church in the near future. Talk about full circle.

No matter what we go through, whether it seems horrendous at the time, God can turn it around and use it for good. Just you watch him!