wickkedstar

[wickkedstar]

human power vs fate

the chance life gives you to see your pain to see where you can grow

why don’t you take that chance 

to see how you will misguide yourself to think you know things will be ok if you just turn your heart off and close your mind too

then there’s no more chances because of death, or worse because of ignorance of need for growth

blindness to the light of the true path give life a chance to align yourself with feeling pain 

pain of holding on pain of being inhumane 

pain of trauma to the psyche

no one will close those doors but you

no one can close them but you

give your life a chance to let go of pain

for better things to come

life is temporary the one mystery we have is what happens after and we still make living a miserable mystery by not changing circumstances sooner fate only gives us so much the rest really is our power cosmic rooted power of human capacity each one of us what if we didn’t have the organic creation of heart and brain those are wired with nerve endings sperm like shooting stars we are made of space atoms and chemicals and fluids we bleed cry and ooze  why waste the power of the universe in us? the sin of emotion the defects of psychological misfortunes we’re not robots or predictable every plan has roots with its preferred soil matter

[wickkedstar]

mentality of sexual trauma survivors in sex work

these posts here are my thoughts and mazes of my mind based from my experience in life. there is so much to the depth of the unknown for us to discover from each other, unless it’s meant to die as a mystery. and so many that know me personally must think that they already know me and what i’m going to share when i want to share my story, but they don’t, really. so many people hear my name and are quick to misplace judgement that comes up about the implications of sex work and the porn industry. I find that many women who do sex work are survivors of sexual trauma or childhood trauma. I don’t speak for everyone at all, but from what i’ve gotten to know. and it’s because the need to seek validation through sexuality comes from a place that is void of the basic needs of love and affection - void by being withheld or violated from a young age, so the ability to seek validation comes more naturally vs women who haven’t been affected or traumatized by any lack of those basic needs being met. although that doesn’t apply to everyone, to be clear. but in my experience, the majority of women in sex work just see the world differently because they took advantage of their ability to survive and if you really think of it. the best pornstars were probably the ones who had to overcome their deepest fears and triggers. 

we are born already with an awareness of boundaries and the understanding to express our rights to being treated with humanity. to be fed, to be free to cry, to love and cuddle. to not be yelled at. to not want to be handled with any violence. from our existence as newborns, we already know the difference. when we are growing we already know what’s right for us and what isn’t.
 I believe that we have the tendency to easily absorb all of the influence that fate brings us, not just the influence that is good for our growth, but all of it. when we are faced to grow up faster, it is inevitable to not grow up quicker to understand everything in situations that you have no choice but to face. that is what growth is for, to be able to adapt and change for the better. to provide yourself the best place where you can grow at your own pace. to make space for healthy atmospheres where love and growth and thrive with acceptance and flexibility, with the power of an open mind. 

[wickkedstar]

understandings of love

i find it interesting that everyone’s journey of life has so many different meanings within them. so much of it is similar to one another’s sense of dreams and hopes for the experience of life, and so much of it feels like it could never be relevant to me.  in these past six months, i have been traveling to New York and LA every month working, modeling, networking, creating art and music. i never thought a lot of the things that happened would happen to me, the opportunities I’ve opened myself up to. my perspective of the way you can get ahold of the world around you has expanded more than ever, and my voice has become so loud. there is so much to say and so many ways to be vulnerable. my approach to my dreams has been altered, and my understanding of love and sex has changed so much too, more than i thought could. there are so few people I’ve come across that once your heart is open to it, you can feel the music in their heart that comes naturally to them, to each their own love song for the world they create and exist in. and then there are people who still want to keep their music quiet to themselves, they’d rather skip the beat than hear their heartstrings pulled. it’s not like I don’t struggle either with illusions that prevent me from opening my heart to myself and others, because I do, and I think seeking validation is a desperate desire that comes from a deep feeling in me personally that can never be fulfilled, strangely enough. not just sexually but lovingly too. i find it a treasure and a curse, because when the love is turned inwards, the mother in me blesses my womb with my love, for the love of creating life in me. the life is me, there is nothing more sacred and ever blooming than the gift of fertility. for that feeling to be mutual with a friend or a partner is so rare, for me, but we have so many different understandings to offer to each other, through pain and through happiness, no worse or better than each other’s.  i find that for the most part people don’t perceive their learning experience as an illusion, it is hard to admit when you’re being fake to yourself. when you’re limiting yourself or being blind to raw emotions. when barriers outweigh chances, and you numb yourself to cope with not knowing how to get what you really want to find -- what you know you could find --  if you really tried. but it’s only for so long, until you think about what you may be missing out on. you must give up on giving up at some point. you don’t get to be selfish with your potential to make a difference in your life, someone else’s life, or in this world. unless your purpose really is to be held back, to commit to your limit. the opposite of fertility. with life as a a gift of growth, fertility, love, uplifting ourselves and each other, the expression of that truth is present in every moment and also nobody owes us the power to believe in that. it is up to every one of us to provide the space we give ourselves to feel. to cleanse a space for it to be pure like clean water is so it can reflect the energy back from someone else when they step into your space. then you can tell if they keep it clean or is the reflection blurred now and is the water unclear? if holy water is holy what means do we carry within us to purify the water when it’s dirty?  i find it all so, so fascinating. the absurd reality is that it really is this world that I live in. that justifies so much injustice. that hurts the most untouchable ones. that when there is a need for accountability it is never ever considered or owned up to. that even when something makes sense, to do the right thing, it is simply the human in us to still manipulate that nonsense into sense somehow. and for that we have love, the love to accept and forgive one another. we cannot change what could be different no matter how much control we’d like to think we have. and though we learn to hold on and hold grudges, the human capacity of strength and endurance is reborn everyday. you are a newborn every moment you seek to be awakened.

[wickkedstar]

tulip jams

letting go 

it was hard to let go with you around me when there was so much that was held onto held against me as if my hands weren’t full already now letting go feels different it’s every living day these days alive with my smile dancer in the soul we are always unseen most by ourselves until there is nothing more you want to see but yourself like we are when in the womb we’re not on the ground in the first so and so months of our lives we float letting go knowing only to let go  for the love of our mother to feel the ground of our mother earth we always let go first because there is that chance  to only know life in the womb... yet we get so far  holding onto things so far from ourselves to know to take it back to the moment though you may know nothing when you’re in a womb but to be the peace and comfort that is within your reach always

[wickkedstar]

body expression

Lately I’ve been experimenting with my body movement! this has opened so many opportunities for me to dream and expand my potential. as a dancer and a yet to be performer, I feel so grounded, so woke. as I gather my ideas for character designs and wardrobe styles, I am looking to put in motion creative projects and events that will contribute to so many energy movements that we need right now. the themes I recognize in our society is this negative stigma behind accepting your sexuality and the way you carry yourself (Sacral chakra awareness). that somehow- the journey of living through your insecurities and your personal struggles - is suddenly not a part of its acceptance. the message here, is to feel strong to freely discover yourself every step of the way, regardless of suggested judgement. and when you find your flow take the moment to laugh at yourself. to make the facial expressions that will give you chills. nobody can see you better than yourself so you might as well see yourself fully another energy movement i want to expose is this eye-widening wonder that every one of us have. when we wonder and eye widen about who we really are. what our darknesses can invoke in one another. if you are an abuser, will you open your eyes? cry without your disguise? music can really bring that out. the music beats my frequencies have felt vibrations of; I am- in my mind - an exquisitely insane psycho doll. to make sense of the violent dynamics I’ve chosen not to be defined by anymore. i will now look me in my eyes, and bloom wickked in every way I know. I will relive with art. Have control over how I feel. the message here, is that nobody needs to know why you are crazy, or to what extent you’ve been self destructive. the message is that you do not need anyone’s validation of your feelings or the misconceptions of who you are, because you know best what you really had control of and what you didn’t. and whatever way you are formed and shaped by reality, keep confronting your illusions in your expression.

[wickkedstar]

power

it is so comforting seeing the shimmer of lights across the sea, from a distance on this island I am currently staying at. among the many islands that Washington so mystically has to offer ~

there has been a lot more control that I’ve grasped in my life, as the seasons begin to change... control over my happiness, mostly. my way of healing. there is a lot of thoughts that come and go. and when I think, what should I blog about next? 

the theme that i’ve brought up lately in my ‘deep conversations’ has to do with the combination of how true is the essence in someone’s actions that come from the ego. the essence of how much one feeds from the responses towards the attraction received in their presence and how really, every one of us have a narcissistic side to us.  a side that cares what others think and to what extent we rely on that. whether it serves us growth or not we are subconsciously holding on to the reassurance that we are not really as vulnerable as we really are -  having confidence is righteous. so much so that, suddenly being flexible can be out of question, no matter how much we may believe in being open minded. 

when it comes to having your confidence doubted, the way that you handle that doubt can define your relationship with your ego, and how it forms the relationship with the society you surround yourself with, and your close circle of friends -- how much is based from your true grounded self, and do you process through what your personal barriers are and traumas may be, or do you continue life with contained hysteria? and we all got something to be hysterical about. I’ve seen it too often to not say that with truth.  i find that every one is protecting themselves, mostly from something they don’t want to face in themselves. protecting yourself from inner growth. thinking you aren’t ready. protecting yourself from your self-image being harmed. your ego. and we all have a little angel, a little devil, and little to much me and a little too much of someone too, and that all ends up being too much for what’s in it for me. still. and what if, also being selfish and wanting to love yourself, is perfectly okay? on that topic in relation to this one --- what if, wanting to be a sex worker because you have a healthy relationship with your sexuality and expression, is as beautiful and pure as can be? self image. self reassurance. self conscience. self consciousness. then how much of that do we take and place it into how it feeds the confidence, what is that built from? and with mainstream content, is it valuable to growth? how much of it is for the gain of self truly? there are people i’ve worked with that i felt not leveled with. and i’m a very versatile and adaptable person, I am professional always and I know it’s best to stay chill and just do what needs to be done but still with natural soul and natural heart. and that can get to the point of blurring your boundaries out. can make you the best sex worker ever. can make you also very self destructive.  generally I didn’t put myself first and part of it was, well, caring what others thought of me and wanting to be likable. Not wanting disapproval. feeling confident about being that above and beyond person. the gain for self had a limit there. and the balance to protect my ego, rather than releasing it from needing protection at all, came to be something I had to work on. 

I want to introduce power in the leader in every one of us. and i see how women are and i must say I think it comes naturally most to women. Which is how women who can cope with hypersexuality find the way of being unharmed by it and have power to their ego and self without self destruction. but then the destruction there is different. and power can be had in so many other ways. it’s not even about you or anyone and so much matters but for what memory? for who?

if we can create more media and life based on the message outside of us outside of about us  where can we make the most difference that has nothing to do with our ego 

and can we ultimately have the compassion and love for everyone’s journey, the understanding that the way we are giving and receiving is okay if it is different extents of giving or receiving from every person, where each individual is at in their life is always different.  who are we to dictate the power someone has, in any way ever? what you have to offer, how much of it is genuine? 

[wickkedstar]

my path to artistic adult cinema

Going through my writings, I have talked a bit about my experience with the adult industry, how trauma affected me, how modeling became a part of my life, and my insight on expression of sexuality in our society.. the expression of artistic culture within that, and what I want to bring awareness to with this blog, as I continue to share my insight ~

Bringing light to my personal experience as a woman aware of psychological influences, I have grown to maintain a comfortable relationship with my sexuality, with no shame or disrespect from others or from myself. I have also grown to value sacred emotion and energies that I am close to and intimate with. As I have come across the journey of vulnerability in this sense,  I appreciate humanity as a whole, as I have felt the opposing end of it. The art of being human is a balance of equality, the language of consent, intuitive awareness, diversity in communication and the open-minded approach to feeling out the unknown —— I feel like my sex appeal comes naturally without me trying... just in general, I express openly and love deeply, I am in touch with my maternal self, and all of that opens me up to some danger in being vulnerable and mistaken as someone to abuse or take energy from, or to judge about… to idealize or sexualize and to gain from. At this point all the sides of negative outcomes I have faced and learned how to protect myself from with my individuality. For me, this is about being idealized and what I find miscommunicated about it. 

I see the self-esteem/self confidence that is developed for women who live in their power of being sexually idealized, and how from my touch with that being on set as a model and as a porn actress, I embraced that feeling fully. I loved it when I was in the moment of it, there is nothing wrong with that- but it is the sacrifice that builds up, that you are asked of from your body and spirit. I want to bring artistic cinema to porn, but I haven’t quite figured out any specific visions yet. I have been inspired by Lula Hyers, a young photographer artist from NYC who presents fertility, womanhood, and soft sexual art with her exquisite photography, a much more artistic and in-depth feel of presenting a woman’s natural expression of sexuality.  Another woman artist who I believe is a part of the modern movement in the awareness and expression of sexuality in our society is Jessie Andrews, a multi-talented human being; retired adult actress, producer, model, designer, and DJ. I knew of her as an American Apparel model and she was one of the few adult actresses to break it through the mainstream of the adult industry. Seeing some of her films, I felt what her essence meant to her, and how she carried herself with a golden energy that had nothing to do with doubting herself. In my eyes she represented that power that is beautiful, that is real and raw. She also succeeded through her career into other ways of connecting with the world and becoming the most successful that she can be. With that being shared, I simply believe it is still possible to create a more genuine dynamic in a world that adapts to mainstream content so easily, a dynamic that taps into that sacredness of our mind, and with a real approach to sexuality we open up our dreams, our love for our bodies and what our body can feel. what we can make another being feel. to bring artistic cinema to porn, I feel like is a very difficult process, to translate that expression of feeling comfortable with our realness, and not being idealized to a set default or standard that exists in an unreal world. but with combined influences and a set of ideas of what kind of message I want to bring, it is possible. A movie that I have in mind that feels closest to what i am trying to describe, is ‘Love’, a dramatic erotic art film that goes in depth of sexuality and emotion. I think the cinema that I want to go for is more like short movies, showing ideas of touch, colors, emotions as a whole.  my personal perspective on this comes from my experience not just as short-time adult performer, a model, and a former escort,  but as someone who has went through difficult relationships and crazy sexual experiences in this very real world, that can make you feel so much. and it is at this point that I need to make something of it to bring about what I know isn’t heard or known well enough. isn’t seen in the same artistic eye as I see it. and really, to be comfortable with your own sexuality after there has been so much shame, so much ignorance towards abuse that I went through, to know what it feels like to be judged and misunderstood for being in touch with something many are afraid to share that they are in touch with. to be comfortable regardless, to seek out the ways to speak my truth, is what I know to be a part of a path for the greater good. there is a balance yet to be had in the social approach towards a woman’s sexuality, the awareness to be had when working with younger women in the adult industry, and the respect towards a woman’s body, the awareness between the perverted individual who is either the photographer or videographer for a sexual scene, where does that feeling come from for you? what are you trying to fill? what is your goal in the end of it, the expression of sexual beauty? where is that energy going?

[wickkedstar]

you are in peace

to be living in this world with the days that go by I’ve lost a dear friend and their memory I will always carry in my heart

my warmth and love goes to their family and to their closer friends

they must be looking from above and reaching for their goodbyes with their sweet summer eyes

Summer Taylor your story is everywhere you will always be remembered as the real, beautiful star that you truly are how much I will think of you and how I will cry to know I’ll never see your sweet eyes smile again how much I will miss you, darling Summer as these days just go on by

it always felt a little unfair to live on as death would make itself known your life it was your whole life in your caring hands and here I am

breathing and standing

on the earth

you no longer stand on with me you no longer are heard from where you are nor seen with where I am when we meet we will share so much joy I will greet you will all my love when my time comes and here I still am as infinite as the sun feels it will rest with me one day too when I can be close to it with you

and I’ll see you then, it’s true I’ll see you smile  and I’ll smile with you

[wickkedstar]

back in writing

dearest readers,

my life has been a bit of chaos

since I’ve last written my previous post, I have struggled with an end of a destructive relationship with someone who I thought was my soulmate, but he has turned out to be somebody who just wished to hurt me very deeply. I got together with this guy, when I was 19 years old, and our relationship has been very on and off for the past three years. the way it came to an end was such drama, and so hurtful for me.. I can understand how he has been hurt too, but I wish there were more peaceful ways to have handled the conflict we had. on his end especially, this past couple of months I never knew a guy could make a girl cry so much!  however on the bright side, is that without the heavy emotions of heartbreak and being treated poorly, I have been feeling so free in my soul and full of bloom in my heart. before, I felt trapped, waiting to be loved by someone I had so much hope to have a future with, to share my life with. but with all this space to feel good now, I have a whole world open to me - as a lovely young woman worthy of love and respect, as an artist free of shame and troubles, and most of all as all of us, a human worthy of true humanity. and I know i wasn’t an angel to begin with. our relationship began quite shortly after I experienced trauma that I went through at 19, relating to my very first writing post ‘realrollergirl gone raw.’  around my 19th birthday, I ended up in a bad situation where I was drugged and raped and the feeling of not being able to stand on my feet to get away, and how I wish I could forget it all, to have never had that happen to me. No young woman should ever go through that. and it is because of that and so many other instances that now I am so protective of myself and others, so ready to say it how it is to the faces of abusers.

it was just a couple weeks after that, that I had gotten in a relationship with this guy. he is only a year or so older than me. throughout our relationship, I have hurt him so many times with my instability mentally and not being faithful to him. lying, and hiding things. having the mentality of making money using my body, not really thinking about the shoots I was doing and the people I worked with, how it made me feel. I want to be honest about this because, for many girls who get into the world of sex-work, there is usually a boyfriend who discourages that, and there is always an opposing view to that dynamic, which I have multiple perspectives on.  I agree with the quote/statement, “If you think sex workers "sell their bodies," but coal miners do not, your view of labor is clouded by your moralistic view of sexuality. “ because it does have to do with a moralistic view of sexuality if a boyfriend/whoever begins to talk shit about women doing sex work, but there is some truth that the sacrifice there is to be had is not fully voluntary or healthy for sex workers, of younger age especially. to convince yourself that you need to be naked and have whatever you want to be done to your body from somebody you’re not attracted to, to get money for it, can be a dangerous limit to push for the spiritual mind. it can come from an unhealthy place, and I have experienced that. With the help of the relationship I was in with this guy, I have learned how to distinguish what is truly healthy and what isn’t. but I’ve always come to the conclusion, that sex cinema done well is art, and that women (and men, and all other genders) who feel empowered by their sex work may not be sacrificing their spiritual health at all. and I speak from my perspective as a woman, from my personal experience and understanding, but I know that this applies to all human kind and all genders! the freedom that is there to be felt is real, powerful and beautiful, it is not immoral at all. there are levels of depths within how you work with people and their sexualities, getting financial stability from sex work and that not being the sole motivator. the reality is different, but equal in the sense of the mindfulness that is needed as with any other career choice, to have the balance of your success and health. I fully encourage sex workers who are aware of healthy dynamics and dysfunctional dynamics, and who find happiness in fulfilling the desires of others! my own experience has been confused with being in a monogamous relationship with someone who did not always meet my needs, and would be judgmental about the modeling I was doing, and I should have realized how much happier I could be and I should have left sooner than have stayed and cheated on him. to a degree he encouraged me to grow towards a direction that made me question my self-destructive patterns, but as far as my mind knows, naturally, sexuality must hold no shame. Often I was having a hard time to communicate with him about what I wanted to explore in different times of my life, and it was never something intimate and emotional with someone else, the times where I cheated on him I was curious about someone else’s sexuality, and I really do wish we could have had that monogamous relationship where we shared everything with each other and never made one another feel bad or jealous, and still somehow not fully monogamous but not quite polyamorous, because I don’t feel like i am able to be emotionally available to more than one person.  he was not okay with me cheating on him sexually, and I made so many mistakes, regretfully. it is now that the point has come that he got in so many arguments with me towards the end of our relationship, about not wanting to meet my needs or take care of me. he would always justify hurting me with the reality that I’ve cheated on him. the arguments would lead to him reacting with anger and a couple times with physical violence, and that’s really where i could not be with him anymore and felt happier without him. as that transition happened, I had discovered through social media that he was with another girl, and the following day met up with him. he told me that he has always had feelings for her, so and so and so... I told him I don’t think he and I could ever be together again, and he said he was ok with that. for about a week i have cried, wondered, what in the world is this world, how often he said hurtful things and hurt me out of lack of love and respect towards me, these past months... only to move on to this new relationship. just a month or so ago, he was talking with his mother about marrying me, and having kids with me. there were points he expressed forgiveness for the hardships that we went through because of what I did. I had hope that this soulmate, was really who I could grow with and bloom with. and I’m sure he had that hope too, but somewhere along the way he was not always honest with himself if he really loved me or not. and now that everything has shown its true colors, perhaps I should be thankful, but if he tries to come back in my life - if I was as a friend implied, his ‘back up’ - I will say no, no no no... My rainbows are not painted upside down just to see how it looks like from the top of the sky

[wickkedstar]

the sacrifice for sex appeal

greetings loved ones

do you know where to find your darkness?

do you choose to keep your eyes closed when you’re there

because when you’ll see the light

when you wake up too soon 

do you still choose to keep your eyes closed? 

does darkness find you first?

there is absolutely nothing ordinary about my life, my childhood, my roots and where I’ve let them spread. I love it that way. but there’s a different tone to it when you live in it, among others who know life to be lived in their own way, a different way. a way that can be simpler and bring more happiness within that. and often times I would see that and hear that comparison from others, it would be noticed by friends, teachers, people I’d know or get close to, and it would be misunderstood or loved and there was never an in between.  my family is from the soviet union, from Uzbekistan. we moved to the states after I was born in berlin germany because my dad was invited to work in cirque du soleil in Las Vegas and times got golden! my mother is an extraordinary music and piano teacher, she gave me the cello when I was a kid. my dad built a theater in the house and performed his own artistic, philosophic shows. he still does. he was a clown playing jokes in public and doing street-performance with other clowns, from mime to his own character, he was a small-time actor for films sometimes too, though being an actor was not a big deal in Russia during the soviet union. he has always been focused on his path as an artist of theater arts, light play, character creation, everything finesse when it comes to being a performer in theater, being a true artist! my mother would always teach about classical music, composers, she would give me the opportunity to perform and compete with my cello, to see symphony concerts. she would take us traveling to everywhere in Europe, to museums and renaissance or folk festivals. I was homeschooled for a time, and she opened the world to me in reading, in the organisms of life, in the feeling of music, the appreciation of art and the history of our world. my sister, who is older than me, was magical in her own way too.

there was a lot of different phases of life growing up, and as a 22 year old now I feel so many different ways about it. among all of the enriched love and truth, there were dark times, and through my eyes I don’t want to see or feel those times ever again. without going into it I can already tell you that it had an effect on me, on my mental wellbeing, my passion for justice, my emotional sensitivity and my heightened awareness. however, it goes along with the way that I love the world and want to experience it. and it was almost like, it is the knowledge that saved me, the good experiences from my childhood that built my inner intellect. and with that, I went into a world of adult porn to experience the reality that let me explore my individuality fully. despite my childhood trauma, and sometimes I realized it was because of it. but I always made it art in my mind, the art of being and feeling. not judging nor escaping from myself.  I think that so many women who go into porn, at a young age like 18 especially, don’t realize that they are reacting to their whole life from that moment. because it really is the most ‘out’ there thing you can do, to get nude, and fuck and suck on film with a stranger. in a professional setting. and to enjoy it, too. at 18 it is easy to live through the eyes of the pleased. to hear and see, that you are sexy and that is what they want and you feel so great for giving what you’re wanted for.  and that mind illusion of validation was present for me, but it was more so that I felt strong about my sexuality and pleasure was a natural feeling for me. as a younger woman, of course I wanted to do what pleased others, even if that meant doing what I didn’t want to do. that is such an invisible in between that young women consciously allow themselves to exist in for the sake of submission to discomfort, if that means pleasing the pleased... I put aside my boundaries for what could happen and let it all happen to me. I loved having the control of letting myself free, and I felt empowered to be sexy and confident about my body. but there is still so much to grow in, to feel grounded in at that age with sexuality. As much as it is a crazy power women have, to convince the pleased that they are all grown and mature and certain that they want to please all your dreams... there must always be space for the unknown, for the subconscious, from others and to yourself. I feel like I left no space for that and the rebel wild child in me loved it that way. and ultimately when I understood that sex and porn is really about becoming a sex machine, like some pornstars that I’ve worked with, and I felt drawn away from that vision of mainstream career lifestyle out of pleasure. I had really amazing times on set, and some times felt really cheesy and not my style, some times I felt attacked and like I didn’t belong there. and I want to talk about all of those times, to bring light to what the experience is like in all aspects. because what it has to do with, is not just the pleased and the pleaser. But the perception of pleasure, the sacredness of individuality, the art of being human, and not confusing it with any other identity. 

~ story is to be continued ~ [[wednesday]]

[wickkedstar]

little message

*** I am currently working on my post , with my coffee cup on my right ~ My mornings start a little late - but you will love what I’ll have for you to read today!

[wickkedstar]

[wickkedstar]

beginning of model life

when I was in high school I met this girl named Pamela. 

I grew up in las vegas and I recall making the most of it, really. the high school I went to is called las vegas academy, where you study ‘majors’ and i majored in orchestra, playing my cello. 

there were so many aspects leading up to these moments now, where I process connections and the meaning of certain experiences, and when you feel everything for what it’s really worth feeling, you’re embracing your reality and the reality of everyone else around you. and there are so many human beings out there, I’ve adjusted and adapted to, particularly in the world of modeling and adult work, you just learn to adapt yourself, to provide the fully balanced experience. and feeling everything is a secret. then there are those who, ‘see through you’. and however it goes when you keep those people close, what it really comes to is how sensitive you are, and if the ones close to you - can respect your human sensitivity. 

my first nude shoot was in the desert called the valley of fire, outside of vegas, with this girl Pamela, who was a close friend, and an intimate partner for a short time. I must have been 17, it was before I got into porn. the photographer was a guy she knew, he ended up never getting most of the photos to me because I kept asking to see the photos after a few months from the shoot, it made no sense to me. that part never did. it wasn’t a paid shoot, just for fun. Pamela was doing modeling through model mayhem, that’s how I learned about that website. from that shoot, I got interested into this world of, finding your own shoots and people to work with, going to photoshoot studios, finding freelance work. you’d know, the photographers who would send you all or at least most of the photos of, you know, of your nude body - those were the people who knew about respecting your sensitivity, whatever they may or may not know about it there weren’t any questions about things like that. there would be the option where if you wanted to use photos to monetize them, to sell them, then the shoot would be trade your time for photos, not a paid shoot. there would also be the aspect that since freelance modeling doesn’t include pissing off an agent, if you were paid for a nude/erotic shoot, because you were paid you don’t get the photos at all.  I never really got into selling photos or doing onlyfans, snapchats, or anything like that. I could’ve, but my passion wasn’t there. what i was doing didn’t feel right to appeal to strangers hidden behind curtains of perversion, especially when I’ve met with people who i felt would potentially stalk me and be creepy.  it was so much fun to prepare for shoots, especially if it would be with an artistically-invested photographer. Being rollergirl, hard to describe, but what comes to mind is Harley Quinn from the movie birds of prey, especially, since she was in rollerskates in that movie (or really, it was estrojen, the real fucking rollergirl, she performed some of the stunts on rollerskates in the movie, for margot robbie). It’s like an adult version of being a child that never really grew up, a kinky princess with a big heart but a crazy mind. an obvious rough upbringing but unlimited strength within that. I would fall on skates so much, only because i dared to try new things. I had to cancel my flight to LA and my porn shoots because i’d get scabs from skating in the streets of seattle, and professional porn site companies don’t shoot models who had visible scabs. when it would heal, I would be shooting again. that was a theme for a moment for sure. Modeling somehow came naturally to me, posing and being creative. Knowing what would look bad and disproportionate and making beauty out of that, too. like knowing your illusions and playing them wisely with the beauty you got.  I prepared for shoots a lot, packing my suitcase, variety of stockings, garnets, and lingerie sets... looking in the mirror, finding new poses, doing my own colorful makeup and finding the right style for hair. Following models who had a certain style that spoke to me. Getting paid for doing something so fun felt just a bit glamorous but of course, if I was in the Helmut Newtona era that would be so much more, in terms of cultural fulfillment and the real, high-class feel. i let myself be intuitive and creative and a part of me will always feel that spark, i really could make so much more happen if I really wanted to. A lot of my inspiration now is leading me towards embracing the truth inside me, truly taking the time to listen to my voice. to listen to other voices. 

strangely, I did so well in porn, for someone so out of place and emotionally artistic. if you know me at all you know what I mean. For me, part of feeling everything and being sensitive is not needing to act on film/on set. directors would look forward to working with me because they knew that the shoot would go great and be fun. the only thing is that I could never do that for a long time, shooting having sex on camera and being extremely intimate and sexual. it did after a while feel like I was losing my sacred sexuality, that’s what a sacrifice can be to make a career out of being a pornstar. but in those moments, I was a star and revealing that felt incredible, and that made the porn film exactly and more , what the shoot aimed for. 

the negative impact came about mostly when I didn’t have a safe place to stay. when I thought someone was a friend and they ended up violating me. wherever I stayed there was an expectation to have sex. i’d be molested and raped in my sleep by a guy I thought was a friend. i would leave and not know where to stay. i leased a loft in downtown LA with two other people for almost 3k a month and ended up paying for it all and did drugs and rollerskated everywhere. there would be ‘model houses’ for each porn agency, and the porn agent I worked with wouldn’t clarify the costs of living and would take it out of my payment from what I was paid from my shoots. he would surprise me with it. he would pick favorites and those girls were the ones who probably degraded themselves to exchanging in sexual pleasure with this agent, to get cheaper or free rent, and I didn’t want to do that. I don’t know how different my life would be as a pornstar, if some things did not happen to me, but my fate was the way it was and I felt the crazy urge to do other things, too; escorting, drugs, going to all the clubs. my instability was a choice and i liked not knowing what would happen to me. part of that kink mindset, maybe. I did end up feeling more and more out of place, and LA suddenly was not a place where I could find my home.

I don’t regret where I took myself. fate can be a little wild. there were a lot of great memories and a lot of sudden turns. it’s who I am now that I am most thankful for, and I have this path, what got me on this path is what is meant for me to learn from and create with. 

[wickkedstar]

a journey in sexuality

secrets of infinity

you know it when two people connect deeply

when you’re a child and your bones grow you feel it

sprouts blooming inward, toenails crinkling sweetly 

i can whisper

you think to yourself

i can whisper those secrets to you

we are facing illusions 

we are committed to it 

and either it’s known or it’s hidden but it’s there

and we like that 

either way

we know about finding the infinity on your own 

with the help of love, the promise of hope 

life is an essence 

and your teardrops mean everything to me

your soul knew nothing more than to grow

your love is an organ

secrets of infinity 

just for a moment

transplant your soul

in exchange for my own 

[wickkedstar]

realrollergirl gone raw

three years ago I was 19 years old and I left the adult industry as a porn actress, and whenever I was asked why I quit doing porn and started doing modeling, I never knew what to say exactly. my mind has always been open and I’ve had so many crazy experiences exploring my sexuality, in the beginning I never thought into what it meant to be filmed and paid for it. Modeling erotic and nude photography is not much different, making a living out of it is as much as a sacrifice of showing your vulnerability and being gratified for your erotic self that, for the majority, pleases males, and further on, it pleases perverted males, at least from my experience of what has pushed me away. I want to clarify that with all that set aside, I admire the beauty that can exist in sex work andI  personally felt very empowered and confident in my body in those experiences as an adult actress and as a model. For spiritual reasons, I want to invest less into how i look like and having my photo taken, and more into how i can embrace the beauty around me as a growing artist in other ways.

because going back into that moment that I chose to leave the porn industry, the reality is that i had nobody to guide/advise me or to just talk to. I remember hiding my face in fear of being recognized when i went to the airport in LA and I asked to be assisted with a wheelchair to get to my flight.

two days before that happened I was drugged and sexually assaulted and didn’t know what to do, and amidst my recovery following that event, I called my mother, got all my stuff, and got on my flight back to home. it was just my birthday, and i had turned 19. I was in shock, in pain, and most of all, traumatized. I was scheduled to shoot for Blacked, an award-winning interracial porn site… and I was about to go to the AVN awards, none of that mattered for me from that moment anymore. and the craziest thing for me, is that I continued after that event, without healing, and tried to make sense of it all by continuing to make money in any possible way that had to do with my sexuality because I knew I could and I wanted to be strong through it.

I am sharing this story because it’s a story most don’t tell their own version of, and I believe the unknown stigma of adult work is real for this very reason. it also isn’t talked about in a way that still leaves space for a judgment-free perception of it, because respectively everyone’s experience in the adult industry is unique in their own way. from my point of view, so many women I know have chosen to hide their trauma and keep going because if you’re a sex worker, that doesn’t mean you have boundaries. and if you personally felt that those boundaries were crossed, you should be able to be ok with that. it has the ability to open a self destructive headspace, to begin feeling validated by the experience in being sexualized and monetized for it. I knew this after getting out of porn, and explored modeling as my avenue to erotic and nude expression, with the inspiration of other models, photographers I worked with, and the inspiration from the history of nude art modeling, in the Helmut Newton era. that will always be a part of me. the bigger picture here is me as a whole, and there are parts that are missing, that have nothing to do with modeling and pleasing the viewer of the camera eye. to me my body has become more and more sacred to myself, and that gives me the happiness and peace I deserve to give myself. there was a freedom then, and now freedom feels different. my path now is to create my art through my painting, through learning how to spin fire and dancing in my rollerskates, and continuing my life as an artist and creator.