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[wiccapie]

Its 2021

That’s how dumb I’ve been about logging in.  in terms of my physical well being, I have been off all supplements for awhile and I’m noticing a change for the good. ALl I take it the prozac (60mg), my night meds from the psych (1-2 per night, IF that), and the occasional ibuprofen or naproxen. I am off everything else.  I did this on purpose. I need to get a baseline of how I feel and where I am.  I also started using a planner and its helping a lot. There is still a lot of work to do - and I’m not saying I’m cured by any means. But this gives me a baseline of where to go from here. I’m hoping by the Spring I can start making tangible goals in terms of my physical wellbeing, and possibly shift into spiritual goals by the summer. Baby Steps. Tiny. Teeny. Tiny. Baby Steps.

[wiccapie]

To show you just how much of a slacker I am - its been a full week. I slept a lot. Got sick with a migraine. nursed my knee. worried about anything and everything. etc. etc. etc.  Anyway - I went to therapy today and we discussed mindfulness and im overwhelmed at the thought. And frustrated that it SOUNDS so simple but I find it so incredibly HARD. Like. So hard.  So very hard.  Im overwhelmed already and its not even noon yet.  I start my new job at paws on friday. hopefully I dont bomb it completely. I’m... cautiously optimistic.  Gonna go outside for 10 minutes cos im  sweaty mess and I’m hoping it will wake me up. 

[wiccapie]

Friday and Saturday

Friday was a weird day. I was super super tapped out in terms of stimulus. We ended up taking the kids to moms for the weekend cause I wanted to use the weekend to refuel, rest and also have a nice time with leo. I was so overwhelmed with even them talking in the car - I couldn’t think straight. I kept trying to focus but I couldn’t. I literally had to put my hands over my ears. It was too much.  I had a bottle of wine last night and admittedly got super drunk and ended up having crazy sex with Leo - which was great and not at the same time but during I ended up fucking up my knee royally. It burns - which is a sensation I’m not used to so its likely I tore some scar tissue in there somehow. So now I’m immoble. and a little hungover. Still, I’m feeling motivated and way less overwhelmed than when the kids were here. I feel bad sending them away because they’re my kids but with Leo in particular, his volume tends to really make my brain go bonkers. Not sure why this is becoming more of an issue. Maybe ADHD or maybe just stir crazy cos of the pandemic. My period hasn’t really come yet. But I’m not pregnant. It started a tiny bit of spotting a day or so ago but no actual bleeding. Which isn’t like me to be honest - I’m wondering if the supplements are keeping it from happening - or maybe even the IUI fucked it up. We’ll see if it gets itself together by next month.  I’m just bummed about my knee. Had to order a new immobilizer so it can rest as much as possible. Probably doesn’t help that I”m still pretty fat. I had wanted to go to search for a grimoire tomorrow but I’m worried this is the powers trying to tell me to wait. especially since this is the first time I’ve fucked my knee in a very long time. well see.

[wiccapie]

Thursday

weird energy today. I’m not in a bad mood - only slightly annoyed I think. Tempest the cat has started to look better so I think the food was the culprit. We switched to Rachel Ray’s nutrish salmon and whatever. So far I’ve only seen diarrhea in the one cat I kinda knw would have diarrhea when we switched the food soooooo. *shrugs* its so dark anymore. I miss the sun. I need to work more on my sleep schedule but at least I’m not sleeping until 5 anymore. I can definitely get up if needed, and I know that - so yea. Laundry is piling again but I’m always scared to get that kinda stuff started cos it often means the cats will piss and shit everywhere. Hopefully the kids are amenable to going to grandmas for the weekend this week because we need a break. We can get a few things done and maybe even sit down and get a drink somewhere, god willing. I have job interviews (soft interviews) coming up - and its looking like I’ll be starting back into part time work. We’ll see how that goes. I will admit to feeling more positive about it - maybe its the supplements. The kids have been okay for the most part. I’ve started to notice that if I dont put them down and move them at night - they creep into our rooms early in the AM or they have bad sleep habits. My husband and I have to really work on consistency. It’s not good with us. We kinda just ... roll with everything.... which is crazy if you think of it - considering how neurodynamic our kids are. They kinda NEED consistency. But we suck at it. So that’s on my list of things to do better. I’m still consuming crazy amounts of caffeine, but I’m varying the ways in which I consume. It’s been a bit of a balance I have to find.  Still have a house full of cats - its a process with that as well. FInally found a minute to get back to the plethora of emails I have.  Christmas is approaching and I think were going to do monthly subscription boxes for everyone, tbh. It’s the easiest way to do something fun for people without it costing us a shit ton of money. Also reading more each week - mostly about wicca. Still haven’t gotten around to smudging the house. Probably because I still don’t know how to protect myself the best way possible. I need to buy a grimoire - but I need it to find ME. Maybe that’s what I’ll do this weekend - go to a few shops and see whats around - see if anything calls to me.  I think that’s it. I’m going to start this as a way to keep track of how my moods are daily - I will *try* to give updates daily, obvi. It may not work. But we’ll see.  Hopefully it does.