whyyynotttt

[whyyynotttt]

i asked him what his biggest fear is about when the baby comes. he said he's worried about me becoming resentful of him and cranky from sleep deprivation and becoming a new mother. he fears that i will think he's not doing enough. i can see this as a valid, realistic fear, as it could be something that happens, based on patterns and trends of our dating and now newly married life.

last night we talked about how our relationship should come first and how it will be just as important, if not more. we will need to find ways to put effort into our relationship, work on our communication, and try to grow with each other.

i think a big growing pain i'm going through/will have to continue to go through is realizing that relationships will not always be exciting and filled with vibrant conversations and sparks.

i know i can be insecure in this relationship, but i also know that graham loves me. sometimes i wonder if he loves me who i am now and if i am the same person i was when he fell in love with me, but i also question the vice versa.

our marriage is new, young, not very strong yet. i don't think we have a strong foundation. it's vulnerable and immature. i would love for us to grow, and i know that is through Jesus Christ. God, I pray that this baby will allow us to grow closer with one another and with You. and that we will feel like a family unit.

[whyyynotttt]

pulse check

time for a little update. the last time i wrote, i was in a really dark, sad place. i think it’s safe to say that it was my rock bottom.

i can happily say that i am no longer there and are fighting to get to a place where i can be the best version of myself- fully expressed and unapologetically me! i’ve never been able to express myself freely or allow myself to feel anything to an extreme level. i’ve always kept myself composed, never letting myself get/show too happy or too sad, just right around the middle, almost neutral, which is not human. nobody is like that and i have just created the most outrageous standards and expectations for myself, that no one in the world applies to themselves. but i’m getting out of that phase and evolving and growing into who i was meant to be. i already feel freer. small, micro expressions that i was always too afraid to show before have been making a huge impact in my life, in how i feel and my mental/emotional state of happiness. 

a small victory i’d like to recognize is the quick trip i took to palm springs last week. i was with my friends and a couple new girls i met for the first time. i respected my own boundaries; i didn’t force myself to be or do anything that wasn’t me; i didn’t compare myself to them (at least, not as much!), and i loved myself through however i behaved or interacted socially. i did have a minor freakout about G again and getting married so soon. but typing this now, i think i’m finally over it. i know there will be those lingering doubts, but i’m not really worried about it. i trust God and know that He has the best plan for me, and no matter what happens, I won’t be doing it alone. <3

[whyyynotttt]

6.20.23

morning gratitude journal- 3 things you’re grateful for, 3 affirmations, and 3 things you’re looking forward to today.

- end of the day, write something you like about yourself on a sticky note and put it on your mirror 

when intrusive thoughts begin to occur, STOP, take deep breaths, examine evidence- find factual evidence of why these thoughts are or are not true, occupy with something else/distract

in stressful, overwhelming situations, excuse yourself for 10 minutes to recalibrate and write down everything going through mind and address the negative thoughts; take deep breaths; examine evidence; let it GO.

practice and reinforcement 

figure out what you don’t like about yourself-- how do you become more confident? you don’t have to be confident, get comfortable. 

if you want something, take it- kiss in public, hold hands, etc. ask yourself, what do i need? what do i want? what do i feel? 

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the more that i am growing and getting to know myself as a woman who has exited her 20s, i don’t need or want too many external things, but crave for what nourishes my soul and heals me internally. my heart has become frail from all of the societal norms and unrealistic beauty standards. the constant change and pace that everything moves these days has left me in a daze, where i feel like i don’t have control of my life. we’re all just on a big lazy river, moving in which the way the water takes us. but that isn’t the case for me. or, at least, that’s not what i want for myself. i want to take charge of my life, do the things that i want to do, enjoy what i like, even if it’s not what everyone else likes. i am different. i’ve always been different and i knew that. i embraced it, and i acknowledged that that was what made me special and what i loved about myself. but how am i here now at 31, hating my very existence..

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what do you not like about yourself?

- my big face, my nose, my body, my height, my lack of confidence and self-esteem, my awkwardness, my ticks, my anxiety, my self-loathingness, i care too much

how do you become more confident?

- loving on myself, recognizing that i am a badass, there is no one like me, practicing self-love and positive self-talk, rooting for myself, hyping myself up, loving myself. these are things that i will constantly have to work on.

am i worried that everything is becoming mundane? no more graduations, huge milestones, dating, the thrill of newness? possibly... this may be something that i don’t realize until it’s become hindsight. 

i am a sweet, careful listener; i am disciplined and healthy; i am compassionate; i am caring, i am thoughtful, i am introspective 

i am allowed to make mistakes; i am allowed to feel insecure; i am allowed to want to be loved, understood, held. i am allowed to cry and to be sad. i am allowed to be lazy. i am allowed to be unsatisfied with life. 

i am empowered to raise my voice; i am empowered to do the things i want; i am empowered to take something i want. i am allowed to take up space; i am allowed for my words to be heard.

[whyyynotttt]

[whyyynotttt]

stability

Is something I’ve been striving for. Sounds simple, but it doesn’t come easy to me. I tend to have a hard time believing that everything is okay, no matter what happens, or at least that everything will be okay. “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.” I’m learning to love myself through my faults, flaws, weaknesses, and mistakes. I still find myself being overly critical of myself and not liking myself, but i will consciously direct myself back and begin positive self-talk with myself. I’ve been feeding myself so many lies throughout my life and it is so toxic and cruel what i allowed myself to put up with. As cliche as it sounds, i was my own worst enemy- i was constantly pointing out my shortcomings and setting literally unattainable goals for myself, making it impossible to ever be happy with or proud of myself. I love myself because there is no one else in the world like me. And if you don’t like it, then bye

[whyyynotttt]

therapy

it was good. i feel better. to be fair, i was feeling better the past could of days anyway. lexie was helpful and seems knowledgeable about anxiety and helping people build their self-esteem. i think we’re going to be a good fit. something i kind of wish she did differently was that she seemed to rush the session. at times (this is probably a projection/assumption) she seemed callous to the things i was sharing because she hears so many other people’s problems, and problems that are way worse than mine. 

she told me that relationships are like a two-way street. i’m on my side of the road, making sure the grass is cut, sewage and gutters are cleaned, and that there is no trash. graham has his own side of the road, where he makes sure to keep things tidy and clean. if i’m constantly needing validation and having issues where he needs to run across to my side of the street, then when he goes back to his side of the street there’s a mess that he needs to tend to because he couldn’t take care of it while he was helping me take care of my side of the street. if we both have clean and tidy roads, then we can walk down the middle together and enjoy each other’s company.

some things i’m going to work on until i see her again are self-care, independent activities, and examining evidence. we also need to revisit our love languages again.

independent activities- things that i can do by myself for myself that i enjoy (i.e. gym, going for walks/runs with biscuit, journaling/blogging, meditating/yoga, skincare and beauty, reading, etc.) it’s sad because i have so many things that i enjoy doing, but i neglect them or choose to be with graham and do nothing. i think we spend too much time together that is meaningless. we need to spend less idle time together and spend more quality, intentional time together on regular date nights?

examining evidence- look for positives; when is he affectionate? what is affectionate that doesn’t seem like it always? small acts of service, looks of love, words of gratitude or affection

i also asked her why i might be the way i am- what could have caused me to have this anxious attachment style and codependency issues? she said that what i shared sounds like the foundation for what would lead to my current issues in adulthood. not having parents around, genetics from mom, bullied by sister. 

i was extremely anxious in the beginning to start, and i still feel a little nervous opening up and being so vulnerable to a complete stranger. i have high hopes that it will be so good for my life and relationship. 

[whyyynotttt]

Ocean Papaya Nice Cream (Vegan)

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[whyyynotttt]

🦝: boomertheraccoon on Instagram

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Chamomile and daisies

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[whyyynotttt]

i just had my second miscarriage 4 days ago. I’ve had time to process and heal a little bit, but i’ve also been avoiding thinking about it and keeping myself busy and distracted. it’s cruel is what it is, though. probably one of the cruelest things you can experience in this world. when you’re pregnant, at least for me, you’re constantly reminded that you have a baby on the way because of your body. you can feel it all over, and when you’re thinking something repeatedly throughout the day every day, you can’t help to become a little obsessive. not only that, but the excitement grows every single day when you’ve had more time to think about your new reality and you get a few new symptoms. you have to watch what you eat and make sure you eat enough and frequently. there are certain things you can’t eat, drink, or do, so your whole life becomes all about this baby that’s been growing inside of you for just a few short weeks. in your idle time, when you doze off, you think about the life ahead of you, what this baby will look like, what she’ll be like. and then, with no hesitation or warning, it happens. blood, cramping, clots. it’s happening. as you slowly feel the blood draining from you and the pulling and squeezing coming from your uterus, you know there’s nothing you can do to hold on. there’s nothing you could have done or not done to have prevented it, yet you feel guilty and a deep, immense sadness and loneliness. what’s even crueler is that it doesn’t stop there. for the next few days you will continue to bleed and cramp, all the while still experiencing pregnancy symptoms, as if the rest of your body hasn’t gotten the memo yet that this journey has ended prematurely. pregnancy hormones still linger in your body and you are reminded of the life that could have been. we weren’t planning for a baby, but we also weren’t against the idea of it. we embraced, celebrated, re-calibrated our lives to budget and plan for this unexpected gift that we were given. anyway, another few hours spent in the emergency room for doctors to take tests and tell me what I already know. so they poke and prod you to take the tests and get the numbers, break the news to you, and send you off with a $360 bill (after insurance). what’s worse about this time around is that i got to experience being pregnant for a little bit longer, which also means you have more pregnancy hormones in you that will take longer to dissipate, meaning your symptoms take longer to go away. and i am now part of a veryy small statistic of women in a category known as recurrent miscarriage. i don’t know that if i were to actually try to have a baby it would be successful. and that breaks me.

[whyyynotttt]

“Don’t look upon your weaknesses. Realize in Christ crucified you can do everything.”

aSo today is my last day of teaching, forever... Or at least for a while! I promised myself that I would try something else after finishing this year off of teaching. Admittedly, I have been having thoughts of doubt, regret, and reconsideration of finding another teaching job or telling my principal that I made a mistake and that I want to come back again next year. But I have to stop myself and honor the decision that I made and finally stick to it. I’ve taught for 7 years now and didn’t try much else during the time. Sure I’ve done side jobs and found work for the breaks- dog sitting, tutoring, nannying, barista-ing, etc. But I am going to be switching careers now. I don’t think I’ve realized how big this is before. I’m shifting what I dedicate ~70% of my life to after doing just one thing this whole time. I’m going to learn something completely new and outside of the early childhood realm and start at the bottom. It’s daunting, but I know that through and in Christ crucified, I can do everything and anything, in fact. I think I’m going to give up on my real estate dreams for now, as it is too competitive in San Diego, and I truly don’t think I have what it takes to come out on top here. I will probably start a corporate job and climb my way up into a higher position one day and, hopefully, make a lot of money. It will provide comfort and most things that I will probably need. Hopefully by the time I get there, I can stick around for a bit and Graham’s business will take off and I can help him out some and be able to focus on family and whatnot. 

I had this crazy anxious episode yesterday thinking about how we’re all just waiting to die basically. It’s dark, I know, but it kind of makes sense. Time goes by so much more quickly now that I’m older and it’s only going to speed up. I pray that I can cherish and be present in every moment so that I don’t miss out on anything and I can look back at my life one day and be happy. I hope my anxiety doesn’t cripple me in my everyday life and take away from a beautiful life that I could live. God, please help me to look to you always and to remember what’s truly important in life. I don’t want to slave away at work or mope around feeling helpless and hopeless on what I want to do with my life, because, really, what’s the point? Help me to trust in You, God and have faith that You have a plan for me and it is perfect. I love You and thank You! Amen.

[whyyynotttt]

Instead, seek his kingdom, and these other things will be given you besides.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat or about your body and what you will eat...” Luke 12:22

I have been worrying a lot about my career and what comes next after teaching. I promised myself that this is the last year as a teacher. I’d been telling myself that for the past 4 years or so and always fell back into the same position- because it’s easier, it’s familiar, it’s what i know; I’m good at it; it’s where I’ll get the most money right now. I’ve been scared to take that leap into the unknown and give God the power and control over my life. I don’t know when it happened, but I don’t think I trust God anymore. I’m devastated to admit it, but if I look within and actually examine my thoughts, feelings, and fears I actually don’t trust Him. He is the only One Who I should trust in this fickle, sinful world, yet I cling to my control and will, my friends, my family, my fiance. Help me God to take a step into this unknown and let me fully fall into Your trust. Help me to have faith in Who You are and Who You’ve always been in my life. <3

[whyyynotttt]

love