whydontyoufindyourselffirst

[whydontyoufindyourselffirst]

Tuesday, 10 Jan. 2017

I started the day off with a meeting with my Promotions team (EMAT). Then I went to a fitness class at the gym and was a little disappointed because it wasn’t as intense as the one I went to last Friday. It was still a good workout, we got a lot of cardio in, as well as some ab work and I’m always excited when we get to do any ab stuff. Afterwards, I went to the lab to check on my cells and then I hung around the student office for a while to look at my class notes. I really don’t want to start off the term feeling behind in everything. I had class from 2-4pm and then a general EMAT meeting from 4-5:30. After that, we had an EMAT Team Leader meeting from 5:30-6:30. I went back to mine to pick up a few things and then went off campus for the evening. I went to bed at like 10:30pm and it felt so good haha. Maybe I can keep this up for the rest of the semester, although I doubt it.

Meal Log - Tuesday, 10 Jan. 2017

Breakfast - Frosted Flakes (lots of sugar, I know. But this is all I could find for breakfast today)

Lunch - celery sticks (w/o the greek yogurt dip because I don’t think my body likes the dip very much), 5 wheat crackers, a cheese string and orange juice (also, I know that fruit juices aren’t allowed on my diet but it was just right there)

Dinner - 2 pieces of chicken and steamed broccoli (I’m actually getting a little sick of chicken now haha)

Exercise Log - Tuesday, 10 Jan. 2017

Total Body Conditioning Fitness Class -”A simple combination of cardio and resistance training to improve your fitness level” 

[whydontyoufindyourselffirst]

Monday, 9 Jan. 2017

Today was my first official day back in the lab. It was okay I guess. I acquired some images on the confocal microscope, which I’ll show to my PI sometime this week. Also, seems like I have a new mini project which might give me the opportunity to have my name on a published paper, although, it’s too early to say though. I was at the lab for most of the day, although I ended up doing other things towards the end. I had meetings with my club afterwards and then came home. Most likely going to spend the evening off campus. Also, I just remembered that I need a dress for my grad photos this Saturday! Which means I have to go shopping sometime before the end of the week, maybe Friday.

Meal Log - Monday, 9 Jan. 2017

Breakfast - Vanilla greek yogurt and granola  (w/raisins)

Lunch - Celery sticks and greek yogurt dip

Dinner - CARBSSS (Rice)

I’ve been craving rice all day, so I’m going to indulge tonight. 

Exercise Log - Monday, 9 Jan. 2017

No workout today

[whydontyoufindyourselffirst]

Sunday, 8 Jan. 2017

I signed up to teach Sunday School to the kids at Church. I’m usually always asked if I can volunteer every semester and I say no, so I felt bad this time and it was too late to get out of it. I guess my problem lies in the fact that my faith isn’t as strong right now and I really don’t want to teach on topics I don’t believe in to kids under the age of 10. Also, I feel like telling kids about Christianity this early is going to make it harder for them to decide whether they really want to follow the faith down the line. Regardless, it was too late to back up. Today’s lesson wasn’t too bad, and I didn’t feel too internally conflicted. It was mostly about play time for the kids anyway.

After church, I went grocery shopping for a few things, came home to cook dinner for tonight and the rest of my meat for the week, read a little bit of my book and went for Zen yoga with Hot Box Yoga. I really enjoyed it cause it was very relaxing and not a lot of power/cardio was involved. It was a really effective way to clear my head. 

Food Log - Sunday, 9 Jan. 2017

Breakfast - 2 boiled eggs (w/salt and pepper) + 2 pieces of sardine

Lunch - blackberries + raspberries and whipped cream (lots and lots of whipped cream haha)

Snack - Chin Chin and rice pudding

Dinner - 2 pieces of chicken and sautéed broccoli 

Exercise Log - Sunday, 9 Jan. 2017

Zen Yoga for 1 hr. 

[whydontyoufindyourselffirst]

Saturday, 8 Jan. 2017

Food Log

Breakfast - cinnamon roll smoothie (put too much sweetener in it, but it still tasted alright) + a croissant (not allowed on a LCHF diet but bf got it for me so had to eat it haha)

Lunch - BBQ chicken wings (was out with a friend)

Dinner - 2 pieces of Chicken with fried eggplant (I let the eggplant soak up too much oil but it wasn’t too bad)

Exercise Log

No workout today

[whydontyoufindyourselffirst]

Saturday, 8 Jan. 2017.

Even though I had to wake up at 6:30am today, it was worth it because I got to see my boyfriend! <3 After he left for a conference, I went to a coffee shop to work on some grad school applications with one of my really good friends. It was so nice to catch up with her, we talked more than we researched grad school programs but it was so worth it. Part of the conversation revolved around our feelings towards our Faith. Lately, (over the last 2 years), I’ve been having a lot of trouble with my faith. 

I’m a Christian and I’ve been one since I was born. I feel like I never had a choice and it’s all just been forced on me by my parents and the Church. Moving across the country for university has been a blessing because it meant I finally had space to think of myself and I no longer had to be smothered daily about  their opinions about Christianity. In my first year, I still woke up early enough before class to do my morning devotionals (something that we’ve always done as a family ever since I can remember). I kept up with it because it was something that I genuinely believed in doing. I wanted to do it, no one was forcing me to. I went to church every Sunday, I was involved (I taught Sunday school to the kids at church multiple times). In my second year at university, I kept up with my habits, I even took up more responsibilities, I signed up to help with set-up and take-down, I went to all the retreats. Again, I did all of these by my own free will, and not because anyone forced me to. However, 3rd year rolled around the corner, and a combination of many things made me to start questioning my faith, I was always late to Sunday service, I stopped volunteering at church. I went for the retreats in an attempt to re-ignite my faith (it was only a temporary fix). I was sad. I was confused. I didn’t know how to feel about my faith anymore. I tried to find answers and talk to my parents about it but I was dismissed almost immediately. There was no room for doubts or for the questioning of Christianity in our household. It is the one true religion, the right and only way to get to God. There was no room for my feelings. I felt like an outcast, like I didn’t have anyone else to talk to about all of this. Now it’s 4th year, and I don’t want to hear anything about Christianity anymore. I no longer feel guilty about missing multiple church services in a month. And even when I do go to church, I’m not really listening to what the pastor has to say, I don’t believe in any of it anymore. I don’t want to be preached at. I don’t want you to tell me how to live my life. I feel like my faith is slipping away from me and I’m no longer making an effort to cling onto it. I just need some time to figure out what I believe in. A lot of the things in Christianity seem skeptical to me, I’m questioning EVERYTHING. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in God, I really do but I don’t know if I necessarily believe in a religion and I don’t know if there’s only one right and true religion.  What about Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Sikhism. Aren’t these all ways to get to God? and who decides that there’s only one way to God? .

Over the Christmas break recently, my parents came down on me hard about how I’m no longer the Christian that they raised me to be. The Christian who in High School woke up at 5am to read her bible and sing worship songs every morning before school (even before the family devotion) without fail. I was no longer the Christian who wanted to serve God in the church. I was no longer the Christian who fasted and prayed. And to me that’s all bull. Of course I did all those things as a kid, because I did what I was told, what i believed in after it had been fed to me all my life. I had no access to other ways of thinking. My faith was by no means my own, it was what my parents fed to me. It’s ridiculous for them to think that I wouldn't grow up to have a mind of my own. A mind that was capable of deciding whether or not this faith was for me. African Christianity (I’m from West Africa) is something I’m losing interest in. I thought I was alone in this, that I had no ‘Christian’ friends to validate how I felt. But today, I got to catch up with my friend (from the coffee shop) and she’s feeling the same way and turns out a lot of other people in our friend circle are also struggling with their faith. Man, oh man! the relief I felt! I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder, like I wasn’t alone. It felt good. Really good. 

So, after our coffee shop date, I was in such a great mood that I painted my nails, put on a chill playlist on Spotify, lit some candles, and got ready to read a book by a great author (Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie).

I’m feeling really good and I know that once school kicks into full gear on Monday, I’ll probably fall from this high, but right now, it feels so damn good. 

[whydontyoufindyourselffirst]

Friday, 7 Jan. 2017.

School started this week. I only had one 2hr class this week, which is pretty chill considering the first day of school was Tuesday and that’s the only day I missed. Since this is the first week of school, I didn’t have my 8hr lab today, which means I got the Friday off (yay!). 

I passed out last night, and ended up sleeping from 10pm to 9am this morning haha, I think I was still a little jet-lagged. I went to the gym first thing this morning at like 10:30am (I bought my membership yesterday). I ran 5K on the treadmill which took me about 33 mins, it was so hard (it’s been a while) but totally worth it. Afterwards, I had a fitness class that focused on cardio and muscle build with some ab workouts at the end. It was extremely intense and challenging but because it was an actual class with an instructor and other students, I couldn’t just give up and take a break (like I would have done if I was doing it at home with youtube haha). I persevered. I got really tired and light headed at some point (mostly because I made the mistake of not eating anything beforehand) but I didn’t give up!

When I got home, I totally passed out and napped for like 4 hrs. Afterwards, I watched a bit of Netflix and then did laundry. I showered, shaved, chilled for a bit and then made dinner. Afterwards, I sorted out my laundry and crossed a few things off my to-do list (club and lab stuff). Then I started to prep for my Sunday school session with the kids, I got a little tired of doing mandatory stuff so I just watched Netflix till I fell asleep.

Food Log - Friday, 7, Jan. 2017.

Breakfast - none (I got up too late to have breakfast before my 2hr. workout session)

Lunch - none (I napped through lunch time because I was exhausted from my 2hr. workout session)

Snack - chin chin (Nigerian delicacy)

Dinner - sautéed broccoli (w/onions, salt, and pepper) and 2 pieces of boiled chicken (really enjoyed this dinner)

Exercise Log - Friday, 7, Jan. 2017.

5K run in 33 minutes on the treadmill - 315 calories burned (estimate based on Nike Run App) + 45 min fitness workout class.  

[whydontyoufindyourselffirst]

Thursday, 6 Jan. 2017.

Yesterday, I went grocery shopping and I have never bought so many vegetables ever in my life. Broccoli, bell peppers, spinach, egg plant, celery and cucumbers, needless to say, I hit the ground running. Over the winter break, I decided to embark on a LCHF (Low carbohydrate, high fat) diet, which means no more of my beloved rice, pasta, bread, potatoes, e.t.c. Obviously, this was an extremely difficult decision for me as these are my go-to food and all I really know how to cook easily. A LCHF diet means I can only really eat meat (chicken, beef, pork), and fish in whatever quantities I want, along with eggs, and all kinds of vegetables. Never in my life have I followed such a diet, so it’s going to be really tough but I want to give it a try for at least the month of January. The good news is the “high fat” part of the diet, which means for snacks I can have raspberries/strawberries/blackberries with whipped cream!! *screams*

I decided to go on this diet because over the last few weeks or months even, I haven’t been feeling too great about my body, I have belly fat (I’ve never ever had belly fat until summer ‘16), I’m about 10kg over the average weight for my height, I can’t fit into some clothes I only bought a year ago. Taking all these changes into consideration, my self-esteem and confidence has gone down drastically. So, instead of continuing to feel shitty, I decided enough is enough. I was exercising intensely for a few days and it dawned on me that exercise alone isn’t going to get rid of the extra 10kg, I have to also change my eating habits (something that I’ve never ever done before). I don’t mind exercising, really I don’t, it’s painful but I have some level of tolerance and endurance for it. But, never have I sacrificed eating what I want to eat. So this LCHF diet is really going to be hard for me. 

First Day Meal Log (Thursday, 5th, Jan, 2016.)

Breakfast: 2 boiled eggs (w/ pinch of salt and red ground pepper on yolk) and 2 sardine fish pieces (from a can) with warm water (w/ freshly squeezed lemon juice)

Lunch: Celery sticks and greek yogurt dip

Dinner: Sautéed spinach (w/garlic and seasoning) and 2 pieces of boiled chicken.

I really enjoyed breakfast, lunch wasn’t too bad (the greek yogurt dip made up for it). The sautéed spinach was nasty, I think the chopped garlic made it a little bitter, the chicken was really good though, although I may have added a little too much salt.

[whydontyoufindyourselffirst]

Feelings are temporary

For others, this might seem obvious, but I guess I’m just now coming to the realization of how fleeting our feelings can be. Last semester, I felt a lot of anxiety, hopelessness and inadequacy for quite a while, but then towards the end, I was so preoccupied with trying not to drown in the amount of school work I had that I just shut off all those feelings and tried not to fail my final exams. I made resolutions, not official ones, not the ones you write down in a journal, not even the ones you say out loud to other people. Rather, I made little promises in my head, like I didn’t want to find myself in that hole of despair, where I felt like nothing else in the world mattered, and yes I’ve been doing well since this semester started and yes, I’ve been keeping myself busy and on top of school, but yesterday, I felt that same feeling of anxiety, hopelessness and inadequacy, and while it was difficult to shake it off, I realized that I can move past those feelings, I can make a conscious decision NOT to comply to them. I can get up and go out and do something. Today, I choose not to broadcast how I’m going to do this and that to do better and be better, I’ll just let myself do and be. And frankly, I’m tired of faking it, of saying the ‘right’ things, of being a certain way because that’s what’s expected of me. I just want to be myself and do so unapologetically, regardless of what others might think.