whyamisomiserable

[whyamisomiserable]

The chameleon

You stare in the mirror

And

Every

Single

Time

Its not you

Its just a person

In the glass

Staring

Change something else

Try again tomorrow

Ill find you

One day

[whyamisomiserable]

Everyone has a breaking point,

with the right words

Even the strongest will shatter like glass

[whyamisomiserable]

I wanted to die

Well no, but

To cease to exist

The world was too heavy

And i grow more weak and fragile every day

Until I surrendered

I gave in.

I am owned

Possessed by

The carrier of all of me.

All my will and burdens

I no longer have the right

To decide if i no longer want to be alive

I am his

And i die when he tells me to die

When he decides that i die

Which won't be ever

But

He is in charge of it now

As he takes charge of all of me

All of my burdens

He holds all of me

And suddenly I'm weightless

I don't need to think

Think

Think

All of the time

And relive every mistake

Or thing i could have done better

I am tamed

I will be kissed

And

I will be slapped

But most of all

I am owned

Completely

[whyamisomiserable]

I used to think about this one bridge over a moterway near my house as an escape because i could easily jump from there and over the years the thought has somewhat drifted but recently so many people have jumped from there and now the barrier is slightly higher and there are suicide prevention posters on it and im not sure how to process this

Because that was always

...mine?

[whyamisomiserable]

"You have a place in my heart. You're in my life and you're only leaving if you want to"

[whyamisomiserable]

In a room full of art I'd still stare at you

[whyamisomiserable]

I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE MY FUCKING "ALMOST"

[whyamisomiserable]

Its you at 3am when its quiet and I'm alone and its you at 5pm when its busy and I'm surrounded by people and things going on

[whyamisomiserable]

I see the negativity that you see

But i promise you darling that's not me

As i crumble down into dark debris

Please don't fall out of love with me

Im trying and i hope you can agree

I won't let it get to a certain degree

Because when I'm with you, from that I'm free

Please dont fall out of love with me

[whyamisomiserable]

It'll take a while and a lot of self watering

But i will grow and blossom in the dirt everyone left me in 🥀

[whyamisomiserable]

Everything is going too fast and too slow at the same time im frozen but frozen still in a quickly moving timeline

[whyamisomiserable]

Home isn't a place

There isn't a place i can call home

Home, isn't a physical place for me, yet

Home isn't where i am

Home is where i am wanted

Home isn't where i stay

Home is who sticks around

Home doesn't shelter me from the cold and rain

Home shelters me from everything that creeps up on me and tries to bring me down

[whyamisomiserable]

Empathy is a gift and a curse

Especially with just how strong it is with me

Hearing someone else's horribly bad news leaves me shaken

Even though it has nothing to do with me.

I worry i panic i think

What can i do how can i help what do i say

I dont know how to process it and yet at the same time

It hasn't happened to me, so actually i can get on with my day

Except for the constant lingering in the back of my mind telling me

"THIS HAPPENED. THIS HAPPENED. THIS HAPPENED. THIS HAPPENED."

over and over.

But not how to process it

Not how to help

Not what to say

Just

THIS HAPPENED!!!!!!

[whyamisomiserable]

Crawl inside this body

Weave between my weak and tired bones

Find where i am most broken

Love me -there-

[whyamisomiserable]

I feel like a background character to my own biography

[whyamisomiserable]

Im so split about my cries for help. Random outburst come out and its scary and i immediately regret saying anything. Seeing shock and fear and discomfort crawl across a face because of me speaking of the bad sides of my mind is horrible. It makes me feel so guilty and selfish that i actually cant help laughing it off hoping that the subject changes. I hate this. I wish i was normal. I long for a normal life, where i don't need to be cradled in affection for my thoughts to stay still. Can we please just fast forward to the part where im in my own lovely looking home, living with the love of my life, cozy on the sofa with nothing to worry about? I need that. This is so stressful and tiring i want this to be over and stop lingering.

[whyamisomiserable]

Its so exhausting forcing myself to be stable, present myself as a stable person. Its so upsetting that even though im having a nice time my face will just drop or i will zone out and appear distant, when actually im dissociating. I feel like im "outside" of my body sometimes but not quite extreme enough to not realise it isn't real. Like i can sit there and be like "huh i must be sat in silence for a while but i cant quite be bothered coming back yet" there's definitely something wrong here, my personality feels so false sometimes, randomly. But other times i know i am me. I just don't feel like a real person sometimes. My long term memory is so bad. All i have is snippets, like from a dodgy film role that blacks parts out and cuts them off. I dont have the energy for any long term progress in my life and yet i dream of doing it all. Something is definitely wrong but it all seems so pathetic and stupid, how would i even explain it? Anything mental health wise I've ever spoken about has always been shut down and scoffed at, labeled as theatrics. Like a little attention seeking emo that just wants something special about them. i don't want this. Its so so tiring and it always ruins everything. Whether that's someone being scared of my bad patches, or feeling inadequate because they cant give me a quick fix. Or even getting angry and uncomfortable with it. I cant help looking spaced out sometimes. I cant help it when a grin randomly falls off my face and is replaced with a blank expression. It just happens. I don't know WHAT happens but it does. I want help. In fact a start would be to find out what this even is. does everyone get it? Am i overreacting? The closest I've ever come to speaking about my mental health is taking counselling sessions during college, about being 'a bit down' and having split rage. Which i ended up walking out of after 5 sessions because she was the most patronising fuck ever. Can't be dealing with that. Yes my head is fucked but im not stupid. I had an education. I understand things, just a part of me is broken, but that doesn't mean im slow or dumb. I wouldn't know where to begin. Im so tired. im so so tired. if its not parent life stressing and draining me its my own head. its myself. Maybe that's why i dissociate.