whosgoingtoask - Tumblr blog

[whosgoingtoask]

LikeABossDay

It just took me 30 minutes to turn on my computer, jeez. 

Growing up, there were magical times when my parents could afford Comcast. It never lasted very long, but having access to the instant show guide was a game changer. Most of the time, we had standard cable. When MTV was on 63 and ABC Family could be found on channel 39. I knew the 10-15 channels I could find shows that matched my heart song like the back of my hand. And I knew the channels with CSPAN and ESPN that weren’t worth my time. It was a simple time. 

And then shows became available online. Illegally of course. But eventually, Netflix and Hulu struck gold. Now at all hours of the day thousands of shows and movies are at my disposal. And I never have any freaking idea watch to watch. There’s a theory that says when you have a large amount of options at your disposal, it becomes more difficult to make a choice than if your options were limited. 

When I first made a real life plan - at the grand old age of high schooler - it all made sense. I knew what teachers did and I knew how a school worked. I knew how much money they made and that you could find the profession literally anywhere you went. I knew there were some options to grow within the school community. Move from charter to private to public, history to economics to political science. It seemed like an innumerable amount of options at the time, but still easy to grasp. 

Now - in theory - I’ve come to a point when I have a Netflix level of opportunities in front of me. And it seems to be common, so I suppose there’s not much concern there. But let’s layout the issues. Think through the actual problems. 

1. The work isn’t all that great - When I was at school, doing the little things like mailing letters, printing rosters, responding to emails - were a headache, but something I was good at. Also it was my first real job, so I expected to do some menial tasks. I suppose there’s probably a level of administrative work at every level, but at least some of it can be deferred. Anyways, now that I’m in my 3rd going on 4th year of professional experience, I think I’d like to test my hand at something a little meatier. I don’t know that organizing schedules, building newsletters, writing notes, or building spreadsheets are what I’m interested in. To be honest, there hasn’t been a project that has really caught my attention at this point. 

2. There’s a disconnect from actual results - For working at a results based organization, I feel so far from any actual evidence that what we’re doing makes a difference. When I was at school or the club, even if what I was doing was small or menial, I could literally see the affect it was having. Somebody needed to organize those buses, monitor those tests, respond to those parents and make sure their experience was a good one. At central I could see the work people were doing on a grander level. (Now I wonder if that was a mistake. The space wasn’t great.) I see these folks that were working with, and I suppose they’re doing on the ground work, but what exactly are we doing that’s helpful? Spotlighting their work? Newspapers can do that. Connecting them with partners? Like that’s not something they can do on their own or have access to. It honestly seems a little condescending. Everyone is so far up themselves, acting like the work their doing is on a grander scale now that they’ve stepped away from hands on work. Not sure why you’d ever want to step away from that. 

3. The leadership is all over the place - Starting with my own. I suppose she has a good amount of experience and connections. She seems to be very educated and thoughtful about the work that’s happening. But only 50% of the time. There’s no deep interaction and I’m not sure if that’s my fault or if it’s that she’s so far or if she’s always buried in her personal life, but I don’t feel a strong connection to that relationship and I don’t see how I can learn from it. Then there’s the phony baloney asking me if building powerpoints is a skill I want to cultivate. I’m not sure if people think that’s a genuine skill, but 1 - are you forgetting that I went to school to teach so I have to have some type of technical capabilities. But it’s just a constant off loading of task. Lowly tasks. And work that I just can’t understand or find interesting. I guess there are some connections on the state level, but in an industry that’s not my own. 

4. Everyone seems to have an opinion - When the other workers on my own level are showing such unhappiness and frustration after having been there as long as they have, you kind of have to take it to heart. After being at the school for the amount of time I was, I would say I was a good marker for what the culture was like. So I trust that what they say is a accurate representation. What that shows me is that this is not a company to grow with. Even though leaders are different, it doesn’t bode well that promotions are hard to come by. I’ve played that game and it’s not something I need to do again. 

5. Is it the flexibility I need? - Having the time and the remote capabilities are great. To some extent though, I think my natural tendency to not work takes advantage of it. But at the same time is this just what I need to be able to work and go to school? Is that something I should give up just because I don’t want to be here long term and don’t think it’s ‘fun’.

6. I don’t know what a next step would look like - So I go to school for what? And then work in what field? As what? And where? Do I want to go back to the state level? It didn’t seem so terrible, but the morale and stability wasn’t great, at least here. Maybe it would be another option if we moved. 

At the end of it all, there’s no answer right now. I can’t do references all over again and I’m going to be here until at least February. I suppose that’s fine. How boring be an adult is! Sorry for the snoozer. I’m gonna eat toast.  

[whosgoingtoask]

Phases of the Moon

Apparently feeling inadequate leads to tumblr posts. Which makes sense. Concerns and questions cause paranoia and introspection. 

For someone so interested in art, poetry, self expression, ways to stand out - I don’t get a sense of who you are. I mean that’s a lie. I know who you are. You’re about as artsy fartsy as me. Which is to say not at all. We both have a minimal understanding of what’s unique. Content to live in a state of mass appeal. 

I just want to be a girl and be happy and be fun and be attractive and be special and be excited. And on my own I am those things I think. Or at least I try to be. I think you try too. So why isn’t that enough? Why does it seem like I’m constantly expecting more from you? What is it exactly that I’m looking for?

[whosgoingtoask]

Porque No Los Dos

I’ve been reading too many romances and my need for drama has spiked. Let’s just cut to the chase. 

Why would you say something that implies you’ve wasted your time? That just disregards everything I’ve given up to be here. Like you’re behind and can’t figure out what you need from life and so I’m to blame. Some emo-my parents are middle class and my life is mediocre and I don’t want to be average-bullshit. It’s not my fault Irish people don’t teach their kids self-confidence. It’s not my fault you halfassed your way through school, and cared more about cigarettes, and making friends you’ll never talk to again. So why act like it is? Where does that get you? No where closer to figuring out your life. Just giving yourself another reason to not do shit. 

Where are the college applications? Where are the job applications? Meeting with people and expecting them to get you in the door isn’t going to do anything. I’ve put up with a lot of shit, a lot of terrible behaviors and lame birthdays. I’ve literally given up a life for this. And the thanks I get is ‘well if I hadn’t had wasted my time trying to get a girlfriend in college maybe I would be somewhere with my life.’ 

Yeah, you can fuck right off. 

[whosgoingtoask]

Still

I don’t know what to do. 

[whosgoingtoask]

I’m Blem for real

I suppose this is what they meant when they said ‘life isn’t fair.’ Which is fine. It is what it is. But do I always have to be so in doubt about what to do? Why can’t there be something a little more concrete than pro con lists or feelings. Best to just lay it all out there. 

I have moved to the other side of the country. To a city and place I have no connection to and that offers nothing extra-ordinary. My family is far away. My parents will soon be alone. My brother, who is arguably my closet friend, is growing up without me. I am growing up without them. 

But he is here. My job, which I am very good at is here. There is potential for me here. In all reality, I wouldn’t move back until I’m thirty. It will take years for him to apply to grad school, go to school, and work afterwards. 

But if I leave, is there anything for me back home? Will I be able to find a job like this? I didn’t even know one existed out here, but what are the chances that lightning strikes twice. Am I really that incapable of leaving my family? People move away all the time and don’t think twice. But people also stay close and don’t bat an eye. 

Would we make it? Would I be content living so far from him for so long? Do I trust it to work out? Would he be willing to do that? He’s given up so much already. But then again, so have I. 

At least for now, while my facts drift farther and farther into uncertainties, the most I can do is be honest. About how honestly confused I am. 

[whosgoingtoask]

Lightning Strikes Twice

I always thought that Washington weather was bipolar. One minute it would be rainy and the next the sun would be peeking through. But comparing it to the weather here, WA is the most grounded individual around. Here the sun beats constantly, barraging every moment of everyday with heat so intense you’ll swear you’re about to pull a wicked witch. Probably because the air is so thick with dew, the moisture has literally become a part of your skin. And then there’s the lightning. At few times a week Zeus throws a fit and lights up the whole night. At first, it was fun. And new change. I’ve always thought lighting was interesting but that’s because it happened so rarely at home. Now it’s almost everyday. I’ve become numb to the lightning, but to everything else I am painfully aware. 

I knew that moving here would be hard. I’ve never taken well to change. And on top of that it seems like every couple of weeks I just hate everything around me on instinct. But something feels different this time. I’m not adjusting and this feeling has come earlier than usual. So just like the downpour of rain, here comes a monsoon of feelings.

I hate it here. I hate the weather. I hate the sun. I hate the heat and wetness. I hate having to walk everywhere. I hate the drivers. I hate that nothing is close by. I hate that everything is expensive. I hate that everyone is ambivalent. I hate that I live in Virginia. I hate that the museums and the monuments are such a let down. I hate that I can’t find work. I hate that I don’t feel like I know what I want to do. I hate that I’m always alone. I hate that everyone around here seems so disconnected. I hate that I always feel angry. I hate that this hatred seems to be permeating every aspect of my life. I hate that I don’t get MTV. I hate that my family is so far away. I hate that I don’t get to talk to them enough. I hate that I’m constantly eating corn dogs. I hate that whenever I complain I get told that I’m just doing nothing. I hate waking up every morning and feeling tired. I hate that I left my pens at home. I hate that I can’t get a dog. I hate that he doesn’t understand. I hate it here. 

So what do I do? Do I tell him and make him feel horrible and make him try even harder than he already is? Do I suck it up and try to make awkward friends and find a shitty job that will hopefully lead to a better one? Do I tell my mom and make her worry? Do I quit and go home and make a huge mistake and end everything I’ve been waiting for? Do I go home and make everything better?

[whosgoingtoask]

History

I’m just at a loss for everything. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how I feel. Pure shock. Everything in the world and life seems to be chaos lately. And so I guess the only thing to do is break it down piece by piece and see if I can make sense of anything.

Firstly, what the actual fuck. Why does this keep happening? What is it about people that makes it so hard for them to do what they say they are going to? Is it just boys? Is it the boys I’m with? Is it me? On some level I can justify the whole thing, being apart for so long and being drunk is a rough mix. But how many excuses am I supposed to make. How am I supposed to trust anyone when I already have trust issues? That is the one thing that I always said I could not tolerate. So am I okay with this? 

Which leads into the next problem: what other choice do I have? This is what killed me the most. The fact that I’m out here, all alone. The only people I know are his friends. And obviously they are shitty enough to let this happen. There’s no where for me to stay, no one for me to even talk to. And it’s not like I can get up and leave. This transition was hard enough already, I was already debating the value of this mess and now it’s gone to shit. 

I can’t get over the fact that he waited so long to tell me. I can’t remember exactly when this happened, but there had to have been time before. Maybe his friends didn’t tell him until later. Maybe he didn’t think it was a big deal. Maybe he didn’t remember the last time this happened. I can’t even finish this paragraph. 

At the end of the day it just comes down to trust. Do I trust him not to do it again? I thought I could trust him to not let it happen in the first place. And even if I add in that he was drunk, he drinks so much and blacks out so frequently how am I ever supposed to trust him with it? He is a grown up for godsakes. This isn’t his first rodeo. And I know it could’ve been a lot worse, but again with the excuses. Maybe this is what I deserve. Wow, fuck that last sentence. Fuck this situation. Fuck. 

[whosgoingtoask]

Mums the Word

When it comes to you, I’m not fine. The words seem old and tired, but somehow they keep spinning around in my head. I sleep and sleep, hoping to dream them away. Some days that works and others I’m Bill Murray in Groundhog Day doomed to relive my past failures. 

It’s not fun anymore and I don’t know why. It’s not fun to sit by the phone waiting for something to happen, to be disappointed when it finally does, to have one good day and then 5 bad ones, to keep asking you to hear me, to keep trying to get things to change. What’s most frustrating is having no clue what to do about it. It’s not like I can ask you to drop everything but for some reason that’s what I feel like I’m doing. It’s like I know you want to do the best you can but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Instead I just feel crazy. Like a crazy person that is never happy. Why do I feel like that? It’s obviously because of where we are. And that’s why I can’t bring myself to say anything, because I feel like there’s nothing to be done but wait it out. It’s like we’ve made it this far and NOW I can’t deal with it anymore? That doesn’t make any sense. 

I ask myself, is it any different now? Are you busier than you were before or am I just tired of doing this? And I honestly don’t know. I have none of the answers. Is ignoring you going to make me feel better? Is tell you going to make it worse? Is waiting it out going to mean when this is over everything is going to be so much better? Or is this just my nature permanently? Will I always expect to be the center of everything? 

More than likely, I put it off because I know how it will go. I’ll start to explain and probably take it too far. Saying things I don’t really understand, acknowledging that somehow I am in the wrong. You’ll apologize and say you’ll do better and I’ll say the same. Then a few days will go by and I’ll feel this way again. So instead I tell myself that I can wait 40 days. And if anything we can have this conversation in person. When it will be obvious to you that I’m upset. Because the fact that you don’t know is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Like talking 5 minutes in a day is a normal thing. 

[whosgoingtoask]

Starship Troopers

It’s weird thinking about how my years will always be spaced out into sections. From summer, to school to breaks I will always have something to countdown to. In other jobs it’s just a continuous stream of work, nothing changing, nothing to look forward to. If I’m being honest, the summers and breaks off were definitely a part of why I want to be a teacher. Granted it’s not a huge section, but it is a part of my character to need something to look forward to. Which is weird considering how much I dislike change. 

But it is that time again when everyone leaves and I face being alone once again. This is the first summer though where I will be truly alone. No family, no friends, no roommates. Just the occasional visit and staff hangouts. I really have no idea how it will go. I’m sure there will be many tears and moments when I just sit and wallow. I really hope it’s not so frequent. But I honestly feel a pit of dread in my stomach waiting for it to all sink it. I’ve become so accustomed to those lonely terrors. I know they’re inevitable and I hate that feeling. I’m siking myself out.

I really am excited to live by myself. I can’t wait to be able to do dishes whenever I want. Not have to sneak food into the house. Or worry about what I’m wearing when I go into the kitchen. I won’t have to deal with people asking where I’m going or being in the shower when I have to use the bathroom. I won’t have to deal with other people’s garbage or drama. It’ll be just me. Doing things the way I want it. I hope it’ll be a magical six months because I doubt it will ever happen again. Hopefully I can handle it. I mean I know that I can but I hope it will be all I think it will be. 

Thinking about it now, I feel like I’m at this stagnant place in my life. Maybe that’s why I felt the need to write. Not much is changing about me as a person. Maybe it’s because most of the people I know of travelling to different countries or different jobs or different states and I’m just here. It’s not that I’m really bitter about it. It’ll be terrifying having to leave this place. Maybe it’s just that I’ll be by myself. I just can’t seem to pinpoint why I have this feeling. Part of me is seriously blaming it on PMS. 

I know I surround myself with TV shows because it feels like there really are people around me. I say that I like it better when I’m alone and that I don’t need many friends. I think that’s true. I think that I just like to have the option of doing something. Because when I have that option I never take it, and when I don’t have it I get said. I’ll be fine. I always am. I’m a trooper. I am my own best friend. And I’m the best friend a girl could ask for. It’ll be fun. It’ll go by quickly. And then I’ll be right back to books and papers and driving all over the place and stupid assignments and clueless professors and irritating classmates. And life. 

[whosgoingtoask]

All I Wanted Was You

Isn't it so crazy how a song can conjure up emotions in people? And how similar our experiences must really be for their lyrics to relate to masses. I guess what's even crazier are the emotions that we feel. They can be so powerful, so intense. And they just hit us at the most random times. Looking back on this past year, it was such a roller coaster, I never knew what each day would bring me. I think that above anything else, my experience at school has been about me connection to my inner emotions. Ones that I had been either burying for a long time or unable to really understand what they mean. Duck has without a doubt created the biggest loops on my ride but I can't help but wish to remember this feeling.

In the beginning, I was so confused. I had no idea if this was what I really wanted, or it if was a good idea. It took me a long time to really dedicate myself to the relationship. I always had other ideas on the back burner and I was sure we weren't going to last. And I couldn't even tell you when any of that changed. I'm sure it was gradual though. But don't get me wrong, nothing is ever perfect. There are still times when I wish I had space or that things would be different or that he could just read my mind. And I don't know if this feeling is so strong right now just because he is gone and I wish I could see him more than ever. But I am so content. I am so sure in this moment. 

I am starting to come to terms with this space. Although I know it will definitely be hard at times, I know that if I really need him he'll actually be there, which is amazing. On top of that, I know that the space will just be a solidifying factor. If we can make it through this time together, I think that will be the last hurdle, the deciding factor. I mean logistically, we'd both be old enough and extremely close to a position in our lives when it would be that time. He'd be 25, I'd be 23. We would have been together for almost three years. So while it might not happen immediately, it would definitely be in our future at a more sure level. I guess I just wanted to talk about this a little because, I don't know it's exciting to think about. I know it's cliche for girls to be planning their wedding young, and it's smarter to wait, and we're no where near ready, and I don't want to be that girl. But I can't help it, to some extent I understand why couples rush into it. And while I know it isn't the best decision, I think it's just an aspect of wanting to feel like this forever, or at least remember the way you felt. 

[whosgoingtoask]

Cry Me A River

When I was younger, I never cried. I mean maybe if I got in trouble there was a tear or two, but I was never an emotional teen. In my first relationship, I was told that I never shared what I felt and that I kept my anger in. But when I came to school, all of that changed. I don't know if it was because I was in a totally new environment where I could be anyone I wanted or if it was the girls around me that were really a support system but somehow I opened up. And all those emotions have just come rushing out which is great except that I can't seem to shut them off. 

Background info though is that this is a special situation. Here I am, facing what is apparently one of my biggest fears. If this was divergent and I had to go in the fear simulator, I would be stuck in this hallucination for a very long time. I'm alone. And I hate it, I hate thinking about it, I hate living it, I hate that I am not strong enough to not hate it. I knew that we had been close this past school year, but having that taken away I realize what a huge part of my daily life he is. Last summer was so easy because he didn't mean nearly as much and I was confused with what I wanted. But now that I'm sure, so much has changed. In my younger years I spent a lot of my time wishing for the future, because I had it all planned out. I wanted to be done with school and in my job with a nice place to live and with the person I loved. I wanted to be able to rely on myself of financial stability and just be responsible and put together. I was so far from my goal then and while it was hard to sit back and try to buck up, when school started I had the time of my life and each year has progressively gotten better and better, even if in different ways. Now I find myself in the same boat of waiting for my life to get to the point I want it at. I know how horrible that is to say, to wish to skip years of my life just to be with a boy but isn't that part of the fun in life? Sharing it with someone? 

Maybe I'm taking this so hard because I've lived it before and I know how hard it can be. How worthless it can end up. That's why I told myself I would never do it again. And I know it's not nearly the same. I know I could drive down every weekend, or even on Tuesday if I really wanted to, granted I shouldn't be spending money but when has that ever stopped me. But at the end of the day, he'll have his bed and I'll have mine. There will be weeks when we won't see each other, maybe days when we won't talk. And this will go on for years. That's the part that kills me. This isn't even a summer situation, but how my life will look for the foreseeable future.

Ultimately I know that they are going to go by so quickly that it will feel like nothing. And I know that we will make it through, but it just kills me that I have to do this again. I feel abandoned. And for a little bit, I get over it. I realize that I can do this. And then it hits me again. I sit in this room and see the shorts he left on the bed, his juice mug, the notebook he was writing in, and the guitar I sat and watched him play. I lay on the bed that smells like him, that we've rolled around on countless times, the place where I've never spent a whole night without him. And it kills me, I have no idea how I am going to do this. I had no idea this would affect me so much and I don't know what to do to make the water works stop. I know that eventually with time I will get used to it. It has only been a few days. I will see him very soon, I will talk to him sooner. I can do this, no matter how ugly it may be. 

[whosgoingtoask]

Life, man

The sound of a phone vibrating is such an awful noise. The emotions it evokes are more often than not empty promises. I could not even fathom the number of times I have heard that buzz only to realize it wasn't my phone, wasn't a text, wasn't from who I wanted it to be, or carried the wrong message. I guess that's my problem. I have expectations, I've always thought they were too high. I think that's an actual problem that people have, but I'm basing that off romantic comedies where women want a prince charming, unwilling to accept anything less while the men stand around complaining about how unreasonable she is. At this point in my life, I'm becoming more comfortable with my standards, or at least more set in my ways. There are manners in which I expect the people in my life to treat me, and I believe that I wouldn't accept anything less. If that's true is another story. I hate that I feel angry right now, that I feel hurt and lonely. A part of me understands that it's not anything personal. That it's just a guys weekend, but another part can't get a grasp on why we couldn't even spend 1 hour with each other. Why I couldn't get to actually talk to them. Am I embarrassing? Too young? Too rude? Will he know it would be awkward, or think that I will be socially inept? That's something I've always hated about myself. Just look at some of my previous entries. I feel like I'm always getting shoved aside. Kept on the back burner because people will know that I'll always be there, staying put and quiet. Its been so long I think that I've felt appreciated. I mean don't get me wrong I love him, but I don't get the butterflies anymore, and it hasn't even been a year. Even in the beginning I didn't feel fully valued. We only do things on the holidays that require attention like that. Maybe its because we spend so much time together, maybe that's just not who he is. But it's not something I'm okay with. I want to feel special everyday. I guess I need to put my money where my mouth is though, I know there is more that I could be doing as well. And I'm going to start doing it.

I just hope he doesn't freak out on me. Even though I want him to care, maybe get a little bit upset or just do something. But I feel like I need to be honest. I can't believe that happened to me. I don't know if I really believe him, mostly because I think he just was lonely and wanted what he can't have but that doesn't mean I wasn't flattered. It made me feel wanted which is always nice. What I'm confused about is why I get more excited from a strangers attention than from my own boyfriend. To him I only feel wanted because he knows hes gonna get some out of me. That's not enough anymore. I just need to figure out how to tell him. 

[whosgoingtoask]

Waste of breath

That's what the these posts have become, or at least energy. I came prepared to pour out my thoughts from the past few days only to discover they are basically the same as my last few posts. Hopelessly in love with one, desperately confused about it all. That should be my life motto. I try to think about what my believes are, towards fate and destiny. If I think that our life is planned out, and what is meant to be will be eventually. There is some independent free spirit in me that thinks we make our path with our choices and that if we want something we need to make it happen. But there is a believer in me that thinks some higher power has a plan for us and that what we do isn't just for nothing. Then there is the realist who thinks its probably a bit of both. That there are things written in the stars for us if you will, that we just can't change, that are the big important events in our lives that will play a major role. And the rest is up to us. Well, that's what I would like to think anyways, who really knows what it is. Least say, for story's sake that my hope is correct. I would like to think that in the end, I would get what I want. That he would move back and we would reconnect. We would both realize that we have so much more to offer now then back when we were kids. And we were kids, but at the same time we were incredibly mature. Sure part of it had to be teenage obsession, but saying that just doesn't feel right to me. I wouldn't still feel this way, at least I don't think I would. When I think about that, I realize I don't know anyone who can relate to me. All my friends have never really mentioned their first love, or have never had one. The one that has is still with that person, and that's a pretty toxic relationship but she understands how difficult it is to let them go. I wonder if maybe I'm crazy, and obsessed but I'm just so confused. I miss the times when i knew he was always there. Maybe thats the thing I'm craving the most, security. But mostly I just want to share everything with him, I always have. Our entire relationship has been like this, what I'm experiencing isn't new. I've always known we'd be good together, that he'd see it eventually. At times I would lose hope, but in the end I was right. We were great together. And now I'm back to knowing, hoping really, that he'll come around again because its me and him. For once I just want him to realize it too. To fight for me instead of me trying to get him to see it. I just want to be with him, because he's the only person thats ever made me feel wanted, loved. Maybe thats what I miss, not the way he loved me but just the being loved part. Even as that thought occurs to me it doesn't feel right, because whatever is happening now isn't satisfying me. Why are emotions so difficult? I wish I was a vampire. 

[whosgoingtoask]

[whosgoingtoask]

Square one

If my mind is a mess, my heart is a total disaster area. So much so that I don't even know where to begin. I don't know the message I'm trying to get across here. I find myself at the same crossroads that keeps popping up. No matter what I do, I can't seem to shake this guy. I try to hate him, I try to befriend him. But nothing changes. I can't tell if I still love him. Part of me feels like I do. I light up whenever I talk to him, I want to stay awake just so I can. I know I can talk to him about anything and he's the one I want to talk to. But even if miraculously he felt the same way, nothing would change. I would be right back in high school with no chance of seeing him. How is that anyway to start a relationship when the person isn't even around? He says he'll come back eventually, but even if he does, that would be years from now. Could I really wait that long? Part of my says I've waited over two years, and nothing has changed. What makes me think a few more would make any difference? I've been in love with this boy since the sixth grade. Maybe there really is no hope of ever being rid of him. Part of me feels like thats okay. I've always been able to see him in my life. I see us being good together, growing back into being best friends. But is that even an option? Clearly he hasn't been having the same issues as me, what with him finding someone else and all. I guess one explanation would be that I haven't found the right person, but what can I do about that? I try not to be close minded. It's not like I don't give people a chance. But am I really? I have this guy in front of me now, there for the taking but I feel like I'm sabotaging it. Partly because it doesn't feel right. There's little things that feel off like we don't mesh together, like our styles don't work, like I'm not comfortable with him. And would it be fair to him to keep this thing going when I'm having such inner turmoil? I'm sitting here talking about how if I could, I would be with someone else. How is that healthy? But is pining away for something that will more than likely never happen good for me either? Sometimes I just wish I knew what people were thinking so I could know how far deep I am in this mess and if I'm there alone. 

[whosgoingtoask]

I wish

Things would be different, things would be the same, things would work out the way I wanted, plans would go accordingly, people could understand where I'm coming from, I wasn't so emotional, I didn't have such high expectations, I didn't care so much. I talk and talk and talk about not caring and not wanting things but when it comes down to it, these moments always prove me wrong. Is that why they happen? To show me I'm not as strong as I think. I know part of it is an overreaction, I've come to terms with that part of me a long time ago. But I thought I was past the time of my life when I sidestepped people pushing past me, I thought I could push back. I don't really understand why this is upsetting me so much, probably because I had planned so much of my week around it. But it kind of comes back to the coin argument. In that moment, and in this moment too, I want to be done with it. I don't want to depend on anyone, I don't want to be let down by anyway, I don't want to have to put up with anyone besides myself right now. It's not what I want and it's definitely not what I need. As I say all this now, how am I supposed to say it later? When I'm feeling lonely and I talk myself into texting him back. We all know how pathetic my self control is. I guess that is why I'm writing this. To have someone remind me of how 20 minutes ago my stomach dropped and all the thoughts I was thinking today were confirmed, how I'm gonna be trapped in this house all week, how I have to go explain to my mom why I'm not leaving with my friends, how yet again someone doesn't care, and the feeling in the back of my throat because I'm holding back my tears. I didn't sign up for this feeling again. I didn't sign up to be left behind and dragged around at people's convenience again. I'll spend this week with my family, and I'll start work on Saturday and then hopefully I'll be pretty busy the rest of the summer. I'll go to FD and wear sunscreen, maybe I'll actually start running. I mean hey I could start tomorrow. Is it dumb to delete the texts? I don't know. Will it make me feel better? Probably in the moment. Will I be able to resist? My plan is to slowly withdraw. I feel firmer in my decision as the evidence is piling up, hopefully I'll be able to pull through, hopefully it won't get weird. Even as I finish writing this I'm starting to feel bad and a little crazy. Jeez this is gonna be hard. 

[whosgoingtoask]