whoselifeisitanyway-stella-blog

[whoselifeisitanyway-stella-blog]

Time to get back into a diary

when you feel so alone but then realize that the reason why you feel so alone is because you, yourself caused it to happen. The reason why everything falls apart, crumbles into pieces. The reason why you're always alone and why everyone decides to leave you in the end because you, yes you the person who caused this, is so selfish, manipulative, suicidal, over emotional, irrational, impulsive, and has no idea who the fuck the real them is. Social chameleon you are. Whats that you say? It means, you adapt to new people, become someone they can relate to, a new version every time of yourself and eventually you lose track of how many you's there is and then begin to lose yourself trying to figure out who you really are. But you have no idea, because there is no real single, you. It's idea's and images from other people of how they see you. Meet someone new and the person you were yesterday just dramatically changed with a new version to accommodate your new friend.

You create these messes and every single time you sit there absolutely dumb-founded because you never thought it'd get to that point, and it did. You try so hard and in your mind you think you're doing really great, or even at the least better than what you were before, but in actuality you're told that you haven't gotten better and apparently it's actually gotten worse if that's even possible.

You go home, sit on your bed and just stare at the wall thinking what am I supposed to do? In the end, how much more am I supposed to keep falling before I even get a chance to catch myself? You thought you were doing better, small step by step in the positive direction and when you slip up and do a habit you're trying to get rid of, you get told you're only getting worse, this isn't improving. When you are trying so hard to stand up tall after that slip up and feel so ashamed and regretful that it happen, you know that it might happen again because it's hard to stop bad habits cold turkey. Some things can't go cold turkey and often will take time, sometimes a long time, to really be truly rid of. Maybe you thought you just needed some extra time, but those who are doing their best to support your stupid ass are growing tired and their patience is growing thin. People who say they love you should know love is patience and understanding. But when they say you're taking too long, not progressing enough, you should know this by now, you really start wondering, do they actually love me or just here to torture me?

Then you start feeling pressured, anxiety exploding in your chest, feeling like anything you do wrong is just going to make them explode in anger, and just live in complete tension and fear every single fucking moment in your day.

Oh man, what will I fuck up now?

You're so depressed that the things you loved doing are a chore and it takes so much mental effort to even consider doing it. Video games which were something you'd dive into for hours on end, have barely been touched for 10 hours for 6 months. There's over 10 new books you've bought over the recent months and barely put a dent into one of them. Animated shows that you would watch every day are barely being seen over months.

You have a trillion things to spill out on paper but it's so hard to keep focused and to actually put down in writing what all of your trillion thoughts are saying. You're so exhausted after one page of writing and you're disappointed because there is so many things that were supposed to come out today, but you're tired of crying of everything you do wrong to put in writing and you just want to sleep. You just need to escape to your dream world, and hope that world is better than this one, even for just one night. You're thankful for dreams that are so vivid, so life-like that you often confuse both worlds and memories and sometimes don't know what is real and what is fake. When you see things that happened a few days ago in real life, then you know it's real. Like when you tried to commit suicide and see those marks are still there a month later. Oh no, here come the thoughts racing back of what happened, how it felt, all emotions clear as if were happening now.

The worst part of these feelings is that they're so intense. So absolutely intense that it's like comparing fanning yourself with your hand and an airplanes turbines on take off. That's how these emotions and feelings are. There's days where you can be grateful in positive moments when you're laughing or spending time with friends or intimacy but you fucking HATE them, and wish you were numb to the core when your FP is screaming at you that “you're an asshole and that you're never going to change.” -STELLA

Stella – The ashley who has no idea who the fuck she is anymore.