whoami-imnotentirelysure

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

December 26, 2022

Yesterday was Christmas. It was subpar. I rated it a 4, from 1-10. Not bad, but not good either. Had more negatives about it, than positives. I've been trying to stay positive through everything. I went to the doctor on October 29, got referred to a neurologist. Had a bunch of tests done, MRI done, everything came back negative. So I went to the ER last week. They told me it was just vertigo, and gave me meclizine. All the doctors have told me it's possible anxiety.

So I saw a psychiatrist. I took a test for my anxiety. I scored a nineteen out of twenty-one. I'm on a new medicine, called Luvox (Fluvoxamine), it's extended release.

My psychiatrist said that it would be pretty brutal on my anxiety for the first week. I've been taking Luvox for four days now, and my vape is almost empty. Well, it is, and it's super burnt. I asked my mom if I could go to the store with her, and she said yes.

We get to the store, I sit in the car. My anxiety started getting really high. I felt like I was suffering pretty bad. It felt like I was having a super suppressed panic attack. It was still there. I felt it. I was still getting those weird symptoms, feeling like I was paralyzed. Just, frozen.

We got to the gas station and my anxiety was so high that I just, couldn't move. I told my mom that I couldn't move. She offered to go in for me and buy my vape for me if I gave her the money. I said okay, and she went inside. She comes back outside with two packs of her cigarettes and tells me they didn't have my flavour. She started to get aggravated with me, her entire tone changed. She told me to go inside myself, and when I refused and just asked to go back home-- she got mad and yelled at me.

"What's the point in you taking medicine if it's not doing anything? If it's not doing it's job?"

I don't think anyone understands that it affects me a lot more than it affects them. I'm really tired of everyone acting like I choose to feel this way. It's really infuriating. What makes them believe that I wake up and choose to feel like this every day? I spend every waking moment, terrified to go outside, terrified to be left home alone. I miss my freedom, why can't any one understand that I'm not actively choosing this life?

It's December 26th. Almost two months since my doctor visit. And I've just been told it's "all anxiety". So strange how that works. Here I am, trying my best, but it's still not enough. I'm actively trying to better myself, but it's so difficult when everyone around you doesn't support you. I've been staying strong.

But if I'm being completely, brutally honest; I've been wanting to die more, now, in the past 17 months, than I have my entire life.

And my family is not making it any easier. When I say that I wanted to die, to my mother today, all she said was "don't threaten that to me". I wasn't threatening, nor was it anything to concern her, if she doesn't care about my mental health, how would me dying concern her?

I'm tired of her acting like she cares, when her words and actions scream so much louder. It's fucking infuriating. She acts like she's a good mother, to social media, to her friends. But behind closed doors, she's so toxic. I walk on eggshells everyday, holding my breath in case I breathe the wrong way to upset her.

I'm so tired of this shit.

My life isn't even mine anymore.

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

8.23.2022

I think my medicine has started to make me more irritated / bored. I'm not sure what this feeling exactly is, but it's slowly killing me. :')

I don't really know what else to talk about but, i just know something has changed. Idk what it is. Maybe it's that time of the month? idk. I'm tired.

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

8.22.2022

It's been 2 months about since I last wrote on here.

A lot has changed since then, and to be completely fair, I'm not entirely sure what all to do about my situation. I kept thinking that over time I would get better at the things I needed to do, and my health, but it hasn't seemed to let lose much.

My health is still where it was a couple months ago. I've tried going on and driving, but it all seems about the same. I'm so thoroughly done with my health bullshit. I'm almost positive tthatt itt's anxiey or something. I started drinking protein shakes a couple weeks ago, and I think it helped a decent bit. But I still get anxiety from time to ttime, but I think ha's just normal at his point. I gotta desensitize to it again. It's unfortunate, but I just think that's how it's going tto be from this point on.

I upped my medicine to 15mg, and found out that my insurance is no longer existing. I fell back behind a payment, and noww I can't even afford my medicine. $300 a month is riddiculous. So I have to wean myself back off of it.

:')

I'm hoping something works out again soon. I'd really like to be myself again. Disassociating every day is just, so awful.

I'm so tired of it.

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

6.23.22

I just got back from my trip to New Orleans, last night. Well— more like 4 pm. I ended up passing out at like…. 6 /7 pm and just woke up today at 7am. Needless to say.. I really needed sleep. I’m deciding that I’m going to be dieting, and putting myself on a diet for the next couple of weeks, because dear God. I have a lot of water retention. I really gotta take care of my body, now that I have to intake more salt. I’ve been dealing with the whole POTS thing for a while now. But high salt = high water retention. Even if you’re helping balance the salt out with water, there is still water retention. Which means I’ll have to work my diet around. I want to do Intermittent Fasting again too. I remember how awful it was for a while, but I know that it works. It’ll become easier the longer I do it. I just hate getting fluffy. I’m not overly fluffy or anything, I’m a healthy weight. But I personally just don’t like it. I miss being thin and frail. I’m not wanting to be a*a skinny again, but I want to be still healthy and lean.

Dealing with self body image seems to never go away. I just don’t want to wind up fat, you know? I know i shouldn’t say stuff like that, but it’s really hard to deal with it when you’ve had a complex ever since you were in middle school. Haha. I’m working on it, but I seriously have to get into walking/jogging or something. It’s so hot outside, and I would go to the park but its so easy to get dehydrated. Ugh.

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

6.17.2022

Things turned out a bit uglier than I had expected. I realized today that I’m just going to continue being single. I have way too much stuff I have to take care of. With a man who I thought got away, has proven me to be uninterested in him. He’s ignored me for over twenty four hours, saw his ex and went to a concert with her. I just don’t have the time for a J 2.0 , I did it once before, I really don’t want to do it again. I’ve already lost the interest there. I was hoping things would turn out different, and that I finally would get treated with love and respect. It’s clear to me now that it just isn’t meant to be right now. I got the validation I needed from a handful of people, saying that someone talking to their ex is definitely a red flag. I can’t afford to ignore red flags. The affection and attention was nice, but really not worth the down time I’ve had, contemplating everything and wondering if I was really ever a choice of his. I might be a little sad, but the thing is, I want someone to choose me, and only me. Not choose me because I’m a rebound or the next best thing. I want someone to love me like they’ve never loved before. It’s not necessarily fair for me to get treated like a second option. I’m tired of those games, you know? I’m too grown for all of that. It’s annoying that people do that to others, you know? I guess out of all the moods I’m feeling right now would be a mixture of angry and disappointed.

I’ve grown a lot as a person, because I know not to get my hopes up too much, but even when i get a glimmer of hope, i still get let down. I know not to trust people too much nowadays. People really only care about themselves. It’s sad and it’s sick. Why can’t more people care about others, or at least think how their actions have repercussions on others?

I’ve learned a lot about myself these past couple of days. That’s pretty neat. I guess not everything is pointless. At least now I can continue focusing on working and making money. My friends haven’t really spoken to me much on my off days, and I go back in tonight. I just assume they’re busy with things. I’m not going to continue reaching out first. This is how all of my friendships end anyways. I’m used to it. I can’t be sad about it, you know? It’s life, it happens.

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

6.15.2022

I just woke up from a short nap, yes it’s 6:30 am, but you know how my schedule is upside down since I work nights. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve realized I do that more on my days off, since i have more time to just do whatever. I’ve spent majority of the night just laying in bed and watching the office. I hung out with a couple of friends earlier in the night but I decided I wanted alone time. Crazy, right? I guess people are right when they say we all need alone time. I don’t hate being alone, I think it was the feelings of loneliness that used to drive me mad. Anyways, what I’ve been thinking about has been on my mind for about three days now. So you know that person I wrote about, about three weeks ago? The person I said I thought got away? Well, I found out that his most recent ex and him are still “on good terms” and are “friends”. I can’t help but wonder, for what reason would someone remain friends with someone, if not for a glimpse of hope that they end up together in the end? I mean, shit. I did it for a long long time. When J and I were broken up, we tried the whole “friend” thing even though I fucking hated it. I hated the fact that I knew he’d probably see other people. I hated the fact that we weren’t together. It drove me insane, but I had that false sense of hope that MAYBE we’d get back together, and that things would be different. We did get back together, and things never changed. I just can’t fathom on why anyone would want to be friends with an ex. I don’t understand it, even if they’re a good person or whatever. They’re an ex for a reason. Is that so bad for me to not want someone I’m talking to romantically to not have his ex girlfriend around, and in his phone? He feels like it’s because I don’t trust him, but it’s really not that. I do trust him, I just don’t trust that he might catch feelings for her again, while with me. You know what I mean?? Humans can’t help the way they feel, but they can eliminate the possibility of feeling a certain way by eliminating causes. That’s the only way I got over my ex. From not talking to him constantly, not checking on him, and not listening to / watching media that would remind me of him. Of course, as humans, we all love and when we love, of course we think about people. I’m not expecting anything ridiculous from him. I know he’ll think about her from time to time, but I really think he needs to heal before him and I continue to try to pursue anything. I plan on having a conversation with him later tonight about it. Originally the plan was to hang out today, but I caught wind yesterday that he was expecting me to spend the night, you know, unless I was “uncomfortable with doing that”. Which to be honest, I’m completely uncomfortable with that. She just moved out of the house like, last week, so of course I’m a bit uneasy. Not only that, but I don’t want him to expect that I’ll sleep with him. Those things are intimate and I’m not even willing to spend the night if I’m not in a relationship first.

He’s told me that their relationship was basically just “friendship” for the past two years of them being together, and that’s why he believes they’d be great friends. He wants me to respect his judgement, and while I do, my personal boundaries include not having exes around. At all. If you have no tie to her, (ie: child(ren) together, house bought together, going through a divorce, etcetera) then I see no reason to personally continue talking to her. It’s just how my brain works. I’m not comfortable with feeling like there’s a chance that she’ll come around, saying she misses him, and that she’ll change. I don’t want to feel like I’m a rebound, and I sure as hell don’t want to feel like I’m a second option. I did that shit before, I do not want to experience it again. For some reason, I feel guilty for having this boundary, but I think it’s just because I’m used to putting my own feelings aside for other people. I can’t afford to keep doing that in my life. I have to take care of myself, first.

I’m not sure how the conversation is going to go tonight. I’m not even sure how I’m going to go about starting the conversation. We aren’t hanging out physically today, since it’s such a long drive, but we’ll be hanging out in discord. I’m not sure how long we’ll be hanging out, but I definitely want to lay my boundaries out on the table, before progressing any further in this potential relationship. It has to be fair for the two of us. And I think personally he just needs more time to heal. He says he “wants to move on” from her, which just tells me that he hasn’t, and that’s okay. Healing isn’t linear, and when it comes to long relationships, it’d be insane to expect him to be ready to jump into anything right now. I just want him to be fully detached from her before I can move forward with him. It only seems fair to me, you know? I shouldn’t feel wrong for feeling that way. I just think he sees it as me not trusting him. I do trust him, I just don’t trust that he has full control of his feelings. Which is normal. I can’t expect him to be in control of his feelings, as no human is. But having an ex around that you dated for a long time, and expecting to be friends, comes off as weird to me. I see no reason to remain friends with someone whom you claim has torn you to pieces, and has done fucked up shit to you. I just can’t fathom why anyone would even want to be friends, if not expecting some kind of romantic connection, like a false glimmer of hope.

This has been on my mind for a couple of days, so naturally I had to dump it all out. A lot of it sounds repetitive, I know, but I just had to dump it out. It was starting to harass me to a point beyond all repair. I feel a lot better now getting it all out.

I have to organize my budget soon, I now owe my mom 700$. Not only that, but I’m also behind on my health insurance. And not just that, but I still have my bills for the month. It feels like I’m getting deeper and deeper, but I really don’t make good money on my shifts, haha. I’m hoping Friday and Saturday will treat me well enough that I make decent money. I always make better money on my “slow” days where it’s just me. Because I’m actively working my ass off, and people see that. But on Fridays and Saturdays, I get left with the shitty side of the store and people don’t sit with me, and I literally only have 6 booths, and two high tops, meanwhile the other side of the store has 7 booths, and 6 high tops. How on earth does that make sense? Just fyi… It doesn’t. They fuck with my money hard. I’m trying to get back on my feet and just deal with it. I personally like working more so by myself with just my cook, but weekends fucking suck in terms of money and how everyone treats me. Everyone winds up grumpy towards me. It’s kind of infuriating. I’m hoping that I can do SOMETHING, to try and make more money on the side, lol.

Money is coming my way, I just gotta keep pushing for it. It’ll come to me. Hopefully.

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

6.14.2022

It’s been almost a month. I’ve gotten a lot done. I’m starting to fall in the routine of working a job again. It’s taking a small toll on me. But I have to prove that I can get through this just fine. When things get tough and my feet start to hurt, when I feel ill like I’m about to faint. I do what I feel necessary. I can’t help but hear my father’s words in my head. “It’ll suck, people will be mean, but you gotta stick it to the world that you are just as capable.”

In my whole almost 23 years of living, there’s only a handful of things that stick in my head like that, from my father. That specific sentence, makes me feel like I have to. I can’t fail myself anymore. I feel myself get woozy once I’m sitting in my car, for the first time in eight hours. It’s tough. There’s work that I have to get done, and things I’m held responsible for. There’s been people talking about quitting since one of the cooks quit the other night. Right now, there’s only two servers, one cook, and one dishwasher on my shift. We’re in dire need of help, and a lot of the people on my shift are already talking about leaving if things don’t go well this coming up weekend.

I’ve learned a lot on my shifts so far. My cook is pretty funny to work with. It’s nice having a cook that isn’t such a hard-ass all the time, you know? That’s one thing I never really saw at my previous jobs. A lot of cooks are burnt the fuck out and come off as rude. It’s refreshing to have someone my age and someone who’s lighthearted. It’s nice being able to crack jokes while at work, while also being able to ask questions, and complain about rough tables from time to time. He said something the other day that made me laugh. He was talking to me and a customer about how he “has to babysit me”, and of course I looked at him like “what the fuck is that supposed to mean?” But he explained that because he can’t be away for too long because he doesn’t want to come out to me passed out on the floor. I’ve almost fainted a couple of times while working with him and our dishwasher. So of course, I couldn’t help but laugh at him. Not in a bad way, but it brings me a little bit of joy to know my co-workers give a shit about me, you know? Working gives me a break from my home life, and it’s refreshing to get out the house. It’s not just him, either!! A couple of people are super sweet and caring towards me. Like our dishwasher. Poor girl, I probably scared the shit out of her a couple of nights ago. I got really low to the ground to prevent a possible fainting spell, and poor girl was yelling at me asking me if I was alright. I really am grateful that people don’t just assume I’m slacking on my job. I really do try my best. I felt so bad for Friday. I had the worst kind of brain fog I’ve had in a LONG time. My cook even was getting frustrated ( I don’t blame him at all LOL ), I was doing horrible. I was messing up orders, putting them in the system wrong, it was so bad that people said that it looked like it was my first day LMAO. It was rough. I ended up calling out the next day because I could barely get out of bed. I came back Sunday in full throttle. Of course, I come back to find out our other cook quit the night before.

I’ve been enjoying my job. I’ve had a couple problems here and there, but that’s just natural, you know? I don’t plan on staying here forever. I’ll stick with this job until I get something better. It’s tough on my health, but it isn’t forever. I’ll push through as long as I need to. I’ll keep doing the things I need to do. I have things I want to purchase. Things I need to pay off. Debt I need to pay back. I have to keep pushing through.

Aside from all that work jazz. I get to go to Louisiana next week! I’m really excited, but kinda nervous. I know it’ll be fun. I’m going with my dad and my brother. I’m pretty stoked. It’s going to be a nice break. I haven’t been on a vacation in years. I’m really excited. Going to go swimming and everything. We’re going to go see Hamilton!! I know my brother is excited. We’re basically going for Father’s Day. I still have to figure out what I’m going to get my dad for Father’s Day. He says his favorite colour is “red” but more of a rust/copper. I’ll have to make something home-made, since I’m scrapped for change right now.

We’re at record highs for heat, this year. Yesterday it was a high of almost 100 degrees Fahrenheit. That is insane. It literally feels like a toaster outside. I can barely breathe in this damn heat. Gotta stay cool and hydrated.

I’m going to get some rest though. It’s been a long “day”. Goodnight!

08:34

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

5.26.2022

You know what’s really neat? The past five years has kicked my ass, in a multitude of ways. Recently, I’ve been having multiple things bless me. Lots of good things happening in my life, or steady after another. I can’t help but feel like my good karma is finally kicking in. Either that, or the universe is rewarding me for doing the right thing and getting rid of J a couple weeks ago. Regardless of the reason, I’m smiling and happy. To give a brief update, basically my dad came back in my life a couple weeks ago, then after that a job was offered to me, and after that… My person, the one person I’ve missed for years on end, the one person who treated me with complete and utter love, reappeared in my life. I always called him the one that got away. My heart has been so full.

I got to see him yesterday, we went out for lunch. Not even 10 minutes into us hanging out, I busted my ass, LMAO. I have bruises all over. The main one that hurts is the one on my right hip. I was being so stupid and goofy and I ran down the hill between Z and WH and my dumbass hit the curb and and straight up fell like Superman. I hit my right leg, my right hip, left hand and wrist, and got road rash on my right elbow. It was… Beautiful. I’m so graceful xD Of course, E was laughing and making sure I was okay. He even helped me get up. What a fucking gentleman. Made sure I was okay. Said hello to my brother next door, he was on a date with a REALLY pretty girl. I think her name was Ella. Pretty name too. She seemed nice, I already approve of her so far, considering his last girlfriend from the bat was really rude to me.

We ended up getting lunch, and it was really lovely. We sat there and talked about things. Talked about how our lives have changed in the past half decade. It’s really crazy that yesterday was the first time I had seen him since 2017. He’s still my person. My favorite person. I’ve always loved him but I never got to tell him, and it’s sad that I never got to tell him before we broke up. You know why I broke up with him? Get this. When I was 18, I broke up with him because “he was too nice”. I’ve spent the past couple of weeks thinking about that. I just apologized to him, via text. Because I wanted to tell him last night. He was never too nice, I just never knew how to accept it. He was raised well, and I love how nice he is to me. I feel like the last five years was a lesson to me, for me to learn and grow up. Now, I feel like I know how to “handle” someone being nice to me. And it just so happens I’ve been waiting for someone to treat me with the same love he always gave me. I just couldn’t find it elsewhere. My mom always loved him too. She approves and gives me her blessing. He’s the only one she’s ever really approved of.

I’ll never forget the look on her face December 3rd of 2017, the day I broke up with him. I told her we broke up and she was so confused because our relationship was so great. I merely broke up with him because he was “too nice”. Which was stupid, but I didn’t know how to accept it. I needed to grow up. I didn’t want a nice guy. I’m really happy that he came back into my life. He’s always been such a blessing to me. I think the universe has always wanted us together, and I was just too dumb to ever realize that, until now.

I’ve been having to bite my tongue, I know it’s too early to say that I love him, since I just saw him for the first time in five years. But I do, and I don’t know when will ever be the time to tell him. I wanted to tell him yesterday as he was getting ready to leave my house. But I have to wait. I think? Gosh, love is so weird x.x

I’m happy, and god I’m thoroughly pleased with how things are going right now.

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

4.28.2022

I cried today. I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (16th time now), and I couldn’t help but feel like I fucked up somewhere. This movie is and always has been a comfort movie for me. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the movie. I got on VR today and that was cool. That’s where I watched the movie at. I can’t help but feel like I miss Leo. I know, it’s stupid. I’m out of his boundaries, I deserve better than him. The way he treated me, the gaslighting- God. I wish it was as simple as just “forgetting”, similar to the movie. But, just like the movie portrays, I think I’d be too scared to lose all of my memories. Is it Leo that I’m missing? I’ve been making sure I’ve been hanging out with people essentially nonstop, or sleeping until someone can hang out. Is that bad? What is healthy coping? How do you get over someone, normally? Idk, did I ever get over my long term ex? I’m positive I did, in the terms of ever dating him again, I definitely gave up on that idea. Do you ever just stop loving someone, or stop thinking about them? I know it gets less frequent, but like- certain movies, certain shows. Why would my brain associate with them? Is it for relativity? Maybe, I think so. I think it hurt(s) so bad with Leo, because for the first time in my entire life, I felt like someone understood me. He didn’t. It sure felt like he did, but he didn’t. I only *felt* like that, that’s not how it truly was. Silly me. What a genuine guy, I think. We fought over the stupidest shit. There’s no reason I should feel like it’s solely my fault, even though any time I pointed out a flaw in his argument or how he was behaving, instead of fixing it, he would simply just point fingers right back at me. And while, yes, I, too, fucked up: it never made sense to just, flip the table and point at me. Point at me **before** or**after** I confront you about something, so it doesn’t seem like you’re just shifting blame. It’s so strange. I don’t need him, but I do miss his company. You know, I say that but, is it really his company that I loved so much? I’m not entirely sure. Company is nice to have around when you’re a lonely soul, but I don’t think his company was all too different from anyone else’s. That’s a lie, and I know that. As I was typing that entire sentence out, I remembered the feeling of having his company and how different it was. It’ll do me no good to pretend I didn’t love him, or that I didn’t enjoy having him around. Because I did. I’m thankful for the memories I have with him, and I’ll cherish them for a long time. But, I gave him a second chance already, so I need to move on.

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

4.19.22

I haven't spoken for 3 days now. Easter was a couple days ago. I'm getting mixed signals from my mother. I can't tell if she hates me or if she loves me. My dad came back into my life 5 days ago. Strange seeing him around after not seeing him for 2 years almost. Leo and I broke up. I've spent every day crying since then. I don't know why I'm so sad. Is it because I was ghosted? Is it because I'm lonely? I crave being around my friends but all of them have their own lives. I don't want to be greedy and force people to talk to me. I just don't want to be alone right now. Being alone is scary, and sad. Everyone I've ever known has always had people around them, why is being alone so scary? I never thought I'd be heartbroken over a man I've never truly met before. This is so fucking stupid. Is it because I got used to his company? Is it because I, for once, wasn't alone? I don't know why I'm so heartbroken.

I just feel really alone, and I just want to feel better. I want to be surrounded by people that love me. I'm so tired :(

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

4.10.22

It's been a fucking ride of a weekend. I'm similar to what people would call "brain dead" right now, after being anxiety driven for a whole weekend. I'm waiting on my mom to show up to the house after essentially destroying my feelings on Friday. She (on the phone) threatened to kick me out after her boyfriend said something, brother heard her. She told him " You better forget what you think you heard, if you know what's good for you.", after he stuck up for me after I said something about it. I'm not going to make excuses for her, and say she only acted like that because she was drunk. I'm surprised that nothing else has come from it, because honestly I figured she'd still be an asshole about it. It's currently 12:34 and she still hasn't showed up to the house. I have a feeling it'll be after my brother goes to work that she shows up, so that she can show her true feelings. I'm scared, to be honest. If she tries to kick me out, I'm gonna just be like "Yeah you have to legally evict me, first. I have 30 days".

I'm nervous about it all. But, I've kind of reached this "I don't really care what happens" vibe. It sucks. It sucks feeling like I want to die regardless, lol.

I never had the love from my mother, or from my father. I was a source of income for one, and a punching bag for another, both physically and emotionally. I really only wanted their love. I'll probably never have that. I wonder what my life would be like if I could just get over the fact that my parents don't care. I'm exhausted. I wish I could just go, "huh. Neat." and move on. But it's so much harder than that.

Why can't I hate people? I don't understand. Why did my own parents decide to drive me mad?

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

3.25.22

I sit here, as I listen to music and I realize that I've wasted so much time. I have to take things by the rein once more. I hate my ex for ever making me think I was unlovable. I wish sometimes I could look him in the face and just analyze him. Why did I ever give him that. Why did I ever let him get to the best of me? Why do I hear him? Why can't my current boyfriend be proud of me, from time to time? Why do I catch myself going "damn I wish he'd say he was proud of me, like HE would"? Just how fair is that to him, how fair is it to me? Why can't I just have a fresh start, so I didn't have to constantly wonder if I'd ever find anyone that acts the way I'd like them to. But this aint build-a-bitch, so I can't expect people to be how I want them to be, lol.

God only knows, I'm no where near fucking perfect. I'm so goddamn suicidal, I'd really like to just, scoot up on out of here, to be honest. I'm not like, sad or anything, I'm just exhausted and there's not really a reason for me to keep going or anything. I just want a reason, and I just don't have that. Nothing really gives me motivation, I don't really feel a reason to do anything at all. Everything is kinda just meh, I'm not depressed, my brain just never shuts up.

I'm so fucking tired of constantly having my brain go on and on and on. Maybe my family will miss me once I'm gone. Cause god, do I sure miss them.

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

3.22.22 Dear Mom and Dad:

What made me so unlovable?

To Dad,

Hi dad, I haven't spoken to you in almost two years now. It's crazy how time flies, huh? I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to talk to you again, if I'm being honest. I'll either die or be out of the country, I don't know. I just want to ask, why couldn't you love me like you loved my brother? Why couldn't you just show me what a father's love was supposed to be like? Why was everything constantly manipulated and contorted? Why was the only time you were proud of me was if I was bringing glory to your name via academics? Why couldn't you smile and cheer me on when I tried to excel in other places? Why couldn't you let me do the things I wanted to do as an adult? Why couldn't you be a supportive parent? Why couldn't you choose to love me versus criticize me for every single movement I made? Why couldn't you raise me with love, versus spewing hate in every word towards me? Why did you "love" me in such a way that I constantly felt the need to do everything I could to make you proud? Why couldn't I ever make you happy? Why did you always choose your wives over me? Why couldn't you love both of us? I don't know why I had to fight for my own father's attention. You ignored me the moment you got a new wife, all three of them. You changed. You quit drinking and you became a "man of god", but fuck. I think you were better before you sobered.

To mom:

We fought today. Well, not really. You let your boyfriend belittle me, call me hateful things, and proceeded to let him just completely make me shatter. He yelled at me the same way dad always did. You didn't even bother to stick up for me. That hurt more than him actually yelling at me. You just stood there. It's sad, because literally earlier I was telling you about how I wanted to die. I don't think you'll ever actually understand, until I do die. It's fucking sad how quick you change with your boyfriend around. You don't see it, but we all do. We see that you just don't care about any of us when he's around. Well, you would probably stick up for my brother or sister, but not me- who gives a fuck how old I am, you think you'd stick up for me too. But hey, you never stuck up to your ex husband when he berated me, either. I think you're kind of sad, and who knows if you'll actually miss me when I'm gone. I tried my hardest to see if you'd go back to my mom, but you're gone. We lost you. You're so far deep into this pathetic relationship of you getting taken advantage of, and booze. What's to lose, right? You're losing me, in fact you've already lost me. I'm working on getting out of here, you threatened the kick out card, and I'm not putting up with you threatening me any time you don't get your way. I'm tired of paying you half a grand a month, just to sleep on a floor and get walked all over. I'm putting an end to this bullshit and I'm getting the fuck out. I can't believe I have a note tattooed on my arm, you're so full of shit. You claim you love me, but to be honest, after today I've realized that it is my biggest nightmare: you've only ever looked at me as a money source. I get it. I know I'll never amount to anything else in your eyes, and honestly. That's fucking fine. I don't care anymore. When I leave, you're not going to know what hit you, and I hope you do suffer, at least a little bit. I never deserved any of this shit you put me through, and I think that even you know that.

To my dad's wife:

I never really got to know you. I met you maybe a solid 10 times in the past 3/4 years you've been married to my father. I think it's neat that someone can love him despite his bullshit. I like to think he's not all bad, he is my father at the end of the day. Just, love him enough for the both of us, yeah? I don't know if I'll ever see him again and it breaks my heart to think like that, but it's been one tough fucking year and a half, and I have to stick to my word. I said I'd never talk to him again because he was mean to me, but I know that he does love you. So much, that he gave me up, his own daughter. I think that says a lot. I think it's pretty neat that a man can love you so much that he gives up all relationship with his own daughter. I personally don't respect that decision of his, but you know, what can you do-haha.

To my mom's new boyfriend (almost a year, wow.):

I just want to make one thing fucking clear. As much as my mom has hurt me in my life, she's never hurt me this much, since you've come around. And honestly, fuck you for that. I hope you rot and honestly you can fucking stub your toe every goddamn morning. I wish you never came around, you turned my mom into an alcoholic that cares more about booze than her own kid's groceries. You're pathetic and I know what kind of person you truly are. How dare you waltz into our house, proceeding to act like you're some kind of father figure to us? You're fucking pathetic, you have four kids of your own, across the country that you won't even go see. You claim you don't have the money, but in reality it's your fucking priorities that are fucked up. If you stopped drinking booze for a couple of weeks, you'd have enough money for a plane ticket AND a hotel room for a week. If you actually fucking gave a shit about your own damn kids, you'd fucking make it work. But you want to come into my fucking house and tell me what to do? I pay rent and you got away with not paying rent for months, it's absolutely fucking botched. I don't see what you could possibly offer to the table. We were all perfectly fine before you came along. You're short, you're ugly, and you're a deadbeat dad. Even your son tried to kill himself and you didn't go visit him. Fucking imagine. You're fucking pathetic. You've done nothing but ruin everything in this pathway, and maybe that's what your end goal was. You ruin my mom, whatever, I don't care anymore. Don't fucking hurt my brother or even place your grubby fucking hands on him. I fucking hate you, and you're 10x worse than my mom's ex husband was. You're just a fucking junior. Fuck you dude. You're a fucking leech and a parasite.

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

3.21.22

I haven't really journaled in a while, due to constantly keeping myself busy. I think I've been feeling better. I've had my moments of having shit fall apart on me and my mental health getting the better of me, but I'm doing okay. I know that I've tackled so much stuff in my life before. I know that I can continue doing stuff now. I've been kind of low on energy recently, but I know that I'll be able to handle it all. I'm honestly surprised, it's almost April.

I graduated from Vtubing, the community has become extremely toxic. Plus, I wasn't getting recognition at the time. So, I'm just sticking to getting better at art. It's been a year of me drawing, and I've seen lots of progress. I've been working hard. I've been trying to get away from being on my computer all of the time. I'm about to limit my screen time a lot more. I think if I start putting stuff slowly back into my storage unit to help me focus on getting out of this god awful house, (kinda like grounding myself), maybe it'll work . I don't know, I really want out of here. I realized just how toxic it is, I had a damn good dream last night that I was finally out of my mom's house, and it was amazing. I was feeling great. I know that thing's will finally be at least endurable once I'm out of here. I've been trying to keep my head up. There's some days that I'm just completely pooped and don't feel like doing anything and that's okay. Other days I feel like doing things and don't manage to get everything done. This is okay too. It's okay to not always be productive. I have to retrain my brain into not beating myself up every time I don't get stuff done. I've been taught that if I'm not doing something 24/7, then I'm being unproductive.

That's not the case. I can work and not force myself to be productive 24/7. I'm allowed to have lazy days. I'm cleaning after myself, I'm keeping myself kind of busy. I hate toxic positivity. I hate feeling like I HAVE to be positive. It's just not normal. It's not normal to constantly feel like we have to be positive, that's not how things work. We're human, we're allowed to feel, we're allowed to be sad, we're allowed to get angry. Why is toxic positivity a thing?

I might go for a walk tomorrow, I don't know. It really depends on how I'm feeling. I need to apply to more jobs tonight.

My fingers can't keep up with my brain. I wish there was a machine that could just read my brain and throw all of my thoughts out onto paper, instead of me trying to write everything out. It's dumb, I have so many things I want to write about but my brain goes way too fast and my fingers just cannot keep up.

I miss my friends that I had after high school. It really sucks that we all went our separate ways. I had good memories come back to me, and man, it put a fucking smile on my face. They all listed memories I couldn't remember, which hurts me to know.

i dont know what else to write

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

02.18.22

You know, I’m getting pretty stressed out. My health is deteriorating, my teeth need dire help from a dentist, my mental health has been going downhill. My mother won’t stop harassing me about rent, my back feels like its broken. I got a phone call from the job i applied to, today. Hoping that I can make it through the interview and such tomorrow. Anxiety has been kinda going brr since i woke up. Mom has been harassing me about rent, I’m broke. I really want to take control of everything again, but holy shit everything all at once seems so terrifying.

I’m thinking about ending my online presence. I know it sounds offputting. But genuinely I want to just, disappear from the internet. We’ve been undergoing lots of stress as of late. I just want to figure everything out, and it feels like my online presence is doing nothing but stressing me out more.

I don’t know why I’ve become the way I am.. I miss being the outgoing person i once was. I’d really like to not be full of anxiety all the time.

I dreamt of my ex last night. That’s one thing I hate about when i up my dosage for my anxiety meds. I always get these weirdly vivid dreams. I can’t remember much of the dream (thank god), but i remember he was in it. Grosses me out seeing his dumb face. I was going to stream today, and I did for an hour, but I’m so fatigued. I don’t feel like I can do anything at all. I’ve been trying my hardest, but fuck dude. It seems so unfair, but I know its just life.

This is going to sound dark. I never thought I’d make it this far in life. I don’t even know what to do now.

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

02.08.2022

It's been about 4 days, but I've been vibing. My twitch is finally starting to look official. I'm wanting to get big. I think it'd be pretty dope to live off of streaming and have a viewer base. My art journey has been going really well. I've been having lots of fun working on getting better and improving. I've been really adamant about wanting to get better. I wasn't able to go to doctor yesterday, it got canceled without me knowing. I have an apt tomorrow, I'll be getting my medicine refilled, hopefully. I only have 5 days left after tonight. It might get bumped up to a 15. I have a blood work apt next monday, to see if there's any reason I've been blacking out. Not entirely sure, kind of scared to be completely honest. Not sure what the results will show, but I have faith that everything will be okay ^^ I've also determined that I'm not going to talk around any of the others for a while. They've gotten used to me talking, and honestly none of them deserved to see me like that. None of them deserved to know me like that. I'm distancing myself and not talking around any of them again. Not for a long long time. I've lost trust in [friend name], and honestly I don't really care that she's undergone all this fucked up shit, because it's the same as me. She can be sad, and I'm not going to be there for her, just like she wasn't there for me when I needed her. Fuck that. I'm not going to support people when they don't support me. A friendship is a two way street, not a one way. I'm not going to constantly give to someone for them to only give me less than that or nothing at all. I'm grown, I can't have baby friendships anymore. I'm done filling other people's glasses before filling my own. This is the beginning. No more endings. This is purely the beginning.

[whoami-imnotentirelysure]

02.03.2022

I woke up this morning, and I was in a call with Leo. I got a message, listed here: -link- . It was refreshing hanging out with him last night, he ended up reaching out to me yesterday, and we talked a lot of stuff out. It's been a good almost past 24 hours. That's horrible english, but I'm thoroughly pleased with how things have been going. I'm still kind of hesitant and on the border about it, but I weighed out the pro's and con's. I'm not going to let my fear of everything hold me back. I can't spend my whole life in fear. I'd rather have good memories with people that may leave me later on, but I don't want to risk not having anyone around me at all, if I'm focused solely on "if people leave". I have to just, accept it's a way of life. I'm not going to spend it all worried, I'll just appreciate the time I have now. I'd rather spend my older years smiling at the memories I have with people, than sad I had no memories with people at all.