whiteswaninsaturn

[whiteswaninsaturn]

credit : thanks to canva for inspiring me create the header

I'm a leo girl and it's always said that mostly leo people are people pleaser. Well it means we're not as scary as a Lion we have compassion and we can give to anyone too much.

Look among those zodicas Leo is one of biggest people pleaser. Do you think i believe the zodiac theory that what make me people pleaser it's because i'm a Leo gurl with fire-sign . Well, it's absolutely untrue. I'm a professional people pleaser because my father want me to be that kind of person. My father was passed away 7 years ago. He had been through the horrific time in his life since cancer undermine his body. It was made a powerful man into powerless old man with no hope. I never feel Daddy's compassion or love in my life and so does my younger sister. We grew up fatherless and when he died we doesn't even surprise to our new situation of being raise with single parent. It was already like that since i was born which means 24 years ago and 19 years ago for my little sister. Mom is everything for both of us, as 2 daughters that used to live with vicious father it feels like victory for us or perhaps only for me. Papa was always wanted everything's perfect so in his mind 'Life must be Perfect' from that mindset we know he wasn't a wise man. He's a workaholic with wonderful fundamental which is something i adore and i apply it now as a mediocre office staff. My papa expected his first born was a boy however it was dissapointed news for him to know that it was a girl and it is me. Maybe i already dissapointed him since I was in his wife womb before the new series of dissapoinment he would face.

I was a girl with unattractive appearance . I'm not saying i'm attractive now but at least i made progress and i look better. I look cleaner and finally make up can completely applied on my face. Back then i used make up and it was jut melted, cracked, like the products were refuse to be applied on my bumpy face.

credit : dashmagazine.com via pinterest (i don't know who's the artist whoever you are, You are amazing) That was me 12 years ago. I had my acne when i was 12 - 22 years old (THAT'S FUCKIN SUCK). My father told me in a restaurant which mean we were in public spaces he said I look like a monster because i have severe acne. Well my reaction was only about to cry but i held it until we got home. He enrolled me to music courses i was excited at that time, I was thinking i would learn guitar but ended up i learned keyboad. My mom said she registered me to had guitar class but my father changed it on my first day lesson to join keyboard class. Both my mom and I couldn't do anything not made any argument. Luckily my little sister felt the same thing, at least my father was playing fair here. The reason he altered the plan was just because he thinks it's not that classy for a girl play guitar, guitar it's not something grande, everyone can be guitarist just being autodidact. Guitar is an instrument everyone can reach it doesn't need a big-fancy room to place it. That was a very deep thinking papa, well as 13 yo teenager at that time i was only grumpy but now as i grow up i just realized my father unconsiously make his children brainstorming of his mindset. He sent me to kindergarten 1 when i was 3 yo just because he didn't enjoy anymore to walk with me in the morning before he left to work. He forced me to be in science class in high-school although it was out of my capability but i tried so hard to get smart score so i could fit the requirement lucky me I passed it i was part of those cool-smart students, Unfortunately, through 3 years in school my rank was 36/40 students. It was obviously said ' you are not belong here'. I can't tell the details of being raises with absent father. I will make a new post sharing about that topic. Well, I think i'm deserve to grab an Oscar I claim myself confidently i have oscar acting skills due to I used to acting in front my father. Not being my true-self. If i made mistake , sick , misbehave as a normal human being do, not an extraordinary, not having a good look He would scolded me, if i choose something he doesn't keen on or eat something he doesn't like. He also mad at me. Like why would I do thing he doesn't like?. So the way i acted and spoke just only to please him. At the other side to protect myself from his temper. I could say I nailed it sometimes and failed it most of time. I always unexpectedly awful in my father eyes. He said i'm lesser than anyone i'm not good enough and worthless. He always make me unworthy.

via: Pinterest Nevertheless, i learn that if you are a people pleaser you are likeable, you have more friends and people mistake you as a very nice person in fact you are just a people pleaser. You feel deeply guilty when you can't complete or help someone else mission. I used to be a person my father wants me to be = I can be a person society expect me to be. I never knew i'm a people pleaser if my friends don't tell me, i was just ignore what they said because i didn't understand. As long as i still get along with my friends i am okay. There's nothing wrong with me. I feel easy for building my friendship just being like this. I never get myself in trouble moreover enemy.

[whiteswaninsaturn]

pics: Pinteres, @milipil1_

GOSH! Can't believe it's March 2024 even if it's almost April. I created this account about 3-4 years ago. I thought Tumblr is no longer exist in the middle of advanced social media. The world is bombarded by TikTok or Reels on Instagram but I have no idea how to use that app or feature. I find it easy to posting picture on ig but not for making reels. Even Twitter has changed into X since Elon Musk take over everything. It's sounds weird for me,as a girl grew up with OG Twitter bird logo, did copy-paste for quote retweet, and one of the Paramore fan based members.

I enjoy social media xo much ! thanks for making everything easier yet delusional for the audience. Only here I can truly show my real self by writing every random-chaotic things on my mind and everything I never share in my life.

[whiteswaninsaturn]

Blue hour

Lago Grey, National Park Torres del Paine, Magallanes, Chile.

[whiteswaninsaturn]

Films that embody my aesthetic:

Dakota Skye (2008)

According To Greta (2009)

Almost Famous (2000)

The Craft (1996)

Lady Bird (2017)

The Addams Family (1991)

Whip It (2009)

Poison Ivy (1992)

Ginger Snaps (2000)

The Doom Generation (1995)

[whiteswaninsaturn]

Arcade, 1980.

[whiteswaninsaturn]

Artwork Copyright © Tyler Spangler

Shop: ShopTylerSpangler.com

[whiteswaninsaturn]

Artwork Copyright © Tyler Spangler

Shop: ShopTylerSpangler.com

[whiteswaninsaturn]

"Life is full of possibilities, you just need to know where to look!"

—Joe Gardner, Soul

[whiteswaninsaturn]

Focus on you.

[whiteswaninsaturn]

Dreaming with the Stars

[whiteswaninsaturn]

[whiteswaninsaturn]

I wish i can say what my heart really wants

I wish i can tell the fear that always haunt me

I wish i can say to anyone what kind of a person what i really want to be

I wish i can share my life progress or milestones like every brave people do

I wish i can express my grieves

I wish i can lose my egos

I wish i can be more patience

I wish i can go out from this maze

Photo credit : studio ghibli, Spirited Away

[whiteswaninsaturn]

🦢

https://www.instagram.com/larapaulussen/

[whiteswaninsaturn]

The definition of baby

[whiteswaninsaturn]

Took 2 photos of our lunch yesterday. Our family been through hard times for couple days and we very grateful that it was finally pass altho we still worry about one thing (the announcement of my lil sister high school) we expect so much my lil sister can study in that hs. It seems like a miracle now if it happens with all limitation.

This steamboat was a cure for us. We are very bless alhamdulillah we still can eat this delicious food and everybody is happy.

[whiteswaninsaturn]

instagram | koko_secretrainbowpath

[whiteswaninsaturn]

Artwork Copyright © Tyler Spangler

Shop: ShopTylerSpangler.com