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Successful Co-Parenting is Possible, and I am living proof

Rule # 1 and I am going to say it again for those in the back that couldn't hear me...

Listen up, Rule # 1 - IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU, IT IS ABOUT THE CHILDREN.

I know that this is much less simple in practice, but it is the most important rule to co-parenting successfully.

Leave your egos at the door.

I know that in some instances there was cheating or toxicity or, or, or, or... you may feel that this creates an exception to the rule, but it does not..

These situations, although horrible for you, and yesssss girl (or boy) for being able to remove yourself and children from a toxic situation, it does not change the paternity of the child(ren).

Remember, this is the person you chose to be the co-parent to your children and that person is still inside them, you just no longer bring it out in them. Close your eyes, let go and pray they find someone who does <3

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What are some of your communication challenges and barriers? What changed in the virtual environment?

The voice of Margaret White plays on repeat in my head “they’re all gonna laugh at you, they’re all gonna laugh at you”, while I envision my peers pointing at me and laughing or sharing an inside joke at my expense.

Do they even want to hear what I have to say? Maybe they’re just being polite. Am I going to sound stupid? Are they going to make fun of me?

The anxiety is crippling.

I take a deep breath and let my thoughts come out on the exhale. I immediately regret it.

They stare at me blankly.

“Will she ever shut up?” “Did she really just say that?” “What is wrong with her?”

These are some of the things I imagine they’re thinking while I crawl back into my shell and remind myself to never speak again.

My mind. My self-esteem. My lack of confidence. My communication’s greatest nemeses.

Unfortunately, they are deeply rooted and have grown up with me since childhood. Their attachment to me strengthened more and more each year. We share a name, we share a head space and we share a body.

“We are wired to make an emotional connection with others”. I could not agree with you more Nick Morgan. If only it were that easy (the push of an "easy" button).

There is significant research that ties self-esteem to effective communication. Bart Kelly states that self-concept affects communication as it shapes the way people think and feel about themselves, their opinions on social norms, their view of other people, and even their language to communicate with others. McCroskey, Richmond, Daly, & Falcione believe that low self-esteem negatively affects communication as it increases fear of interaction with others. Smart people, in my opinion.

Take a look at the video below, which further explains how self-esteem/concept affect communication...

The virtual environment has only heightened the anxiety. It has removed the ability to develop genuine connections. Those who I now feel comfortable around grew to that level of comfort through face-to-face interactions and trust building. I can only thank the inventors of such apps as Teams and Zoom which have allowed me to view the faces and read facial expressions while we engage in conversation and provide me with the ability to sense tones. Without these, it would allow my imagination to interpret email responses or quick phone calls. Re-read above if you are wondering what my imagination would tell me.

Is this better though? Gauging the growth in anxiousness and increase in my mental instability, I would have to say no. I miss genuine connections. I miss trust. I miss warmth. I miss people.  This “new-norm” is not a friend to those who value face-to-face interactions and hugs. Maybe I just need a hug *insert hug emoji here*.

Bibliography:

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Do you think social media has positively or negatively affected your career / social life? How?

Social Media...that enemy that you keep close. That car accident that you just can't look away from. That classmate that won't stop taunting you with the brand new ps5 that Santa brought them for Christmas, but you keep sitting beside them every lunch hour. That co-worker that you've been told talks about you behind your back but you are so desperate to have a work friend that you pretend it's just not happening.

Some research will show that social media tends to have a negative impact on one's mental health. These studies show that people talk about themselves 80% of the time on social media compared to 30-40% in person. Once they receive a positive reaction to their social media posts, their brain suddenly releases dopamine (known as the happy hormone). This hormone is linked to addiction.

Multiple studies have also shown that social media can negatively impact our social lives. Social media is known to increase depression and anxiety, loneliness and suicidal thoughts. It can make a person feel like their own lives or appearance just aren't good enough to measure up.

Personally, my career has only been affected indirectly. Not in the same way others have been affected. I do not have to battle it out in the social networking world for available jobs and I choose to keep my social media on a low and private profile without adding colleagues as "friends" and I also do not suffer from the unfortunate disease of putting my thoughts to paper, or in this case, to a public forum. However, I do find social media to be addictive and can sometimes contribute to work disengagement.

My social life? What social life? Social media has become my social life. To keep up with friends and family, I follow them on instagram (i made a decision to rid myself of facebook some time ago). To have any kind of love life, I have to put myself on display on Tinder or Hinge or any other terrible superficial dating app (these alone can take hours off my day). Filtering my pictures is the only way I feel pretty these days and feel like I might have a chance at attracting one of the 10 men I find minutely attractive but painfully suffer through conversations with. Life as an adult is busy, so busy that we forget to make time for our friendships. Some people's cups are filled by keeping up on the goings on on social media. I am not some people.

I attended a conference years ago where I discovered that I am a "blue" personality type. "Those with Blue color personality strengths tend to be enthusiastic, sympathetic, communicative, compassionate, idealistic, sincere and imaginative. They care and want to contribute to everything they are a part of. Relationships are important to blues." I repeat, RELATIONSHIPS ARE IMPORTANT TO BLUES!