whimsicallyenchantinglydreaming

[whimsicallyenchantinglydreaming]

Dear Liam

Today is your funeral. I still can’t believe I’m even writing that line. It still doesn’t feel real. I know I didn’t know you personally, but you and the other 4 members of one direction had a huge impact on my life. More than I could even begin to describe.

I remember it was 2012 on a school night. I was going through YouTube and the music video for what makes you beautiful was recommended. I watched it and you were the first guy to come into scene. I was immediately hooked. As I kept watching the music video I knew that this was my new pop culture obsession. When I went to school the next day I was telling all my friends about it. One Direction weren’t that well known yet at the time in my school at least. I was 13. I’d like to argue that I was the first one to know about One Direction in my school.

One Direction was something that bonded me and my two closest friends who I still talk to today. We’d watch music video premiers together and talk about the new stuff coming out. I remember as my obsession grew I watched the video diaries for hours on repeat. Off the first album the song Moments was my favourite, but I did love having dance parties in my bedroom to I Wish.

As the band got bigger my love grew more. All I thought about during my time in school was One Direction. I couldn’t wait to get home to log onto to Twitter, Tumblr, or YouTube to find new content to brighten up my days.

When I got into high school at 14, I went through a difficult time. Writing FanFiction or reading them drew me out of my realities and into fantasy worlds to take my mind off of what was going on in my world. I’d stay up till 3am some nights making YouTube edits of each of the members, including you. I made one for you to the song Mr Loverboy by Little Mix.

I defended the band to anyone who had something negative to say. I stood up for any of the members whether online or in person. I loved everyone individually. On my tough days I listened to Through the Dark. I knew you didn’t write the songs for me personally, but I always felt they were just for me. Through the band I felt like I had friends. I felt like I had support. I always had something new to look forward to, it was my whole life, and still is.

I would daydream all the time about being able to hangout with the band and being friends. In 2013 during the Take Me Home Tour, my dad surprised me with meet and greet tickets for Christmas. I don’t know how he made it possible, but he did. I remember that day so vividly. I watched you take pictures with the fans before me and couldn’t get over that fact you were all real humans in front of me.

Harry was the first person I had the chance to hug, I was so starstruck all I could say was “I love you”. Then next was Zayn and we awkwardly hugged but I got to see his sleeve of tattoos and I remember being so mesmerized. Then I stood in the small spot in between you and Zayn, took the photo and it was my turn to hug you. I remember you giving a good warm hug. I probably didn’t say anything because I was so starstruck. I do remember hugging Louis next and telling him I liked his shirt because it was a super man shirt. Which reminds me of him screaming SUPERMANNN in one of the video diaries. Then I quickly hugged Niall at the end because security was rushing me out.

I had noticed the girls in front of me only giving hugs to Harry and Zayn. I wasn’t there for just Harry and Zayn though, I was there for each member of One Direction because I loved all of you guys. All of you shaped my life and saved me. You were there in my darkest days and in my most happiest days. The guy I thought I’d marry who I ended up dating in 2016-2021 who ended up cheating on me, our first slow dance before dating each other at a dance was to You and I, and we had a little conversation where I asked him if he was a fan of 1D and I said “oh just a little” jokingly.

I still love that song to this day, even if that ex tainted it a little. It’s one of my favourites. But you see, you guys have always been there in my big moments. I always felt that you were there to guide me to safety. When the band broke up, I was sad but I knew it was all going to be okay. At the time I was in my first serious relationship and I felt that break up was handing me over to my next chapter of my life. Almost in a way of saying to me “we have been there to get you through your toughest times, now it’s your chance to fly”.

I remember when made in the a.m was released. My first time listening to it at midnight alone in my room. I cried my eyes out to If I Could Fly, and it’s always the song I listen to when I’m nervous to take off on an airplane. At the end where you all have a solo line you sing, it feels so direct to me. It felt spoken to me. It felt like a comforting send off. One Direction is the cause of 99% of my happy memories.

I still listened to One Direction even after you broke up, but it wasn’t as often. Once solo music came out I listened to that more than One Direction. I don’t like to pick favourites, but Harry is my favourite and is the member I kept up with the most. I listened to Niall’s stuff too but not as often as Harry. The odd time I’d listen to Zayn’s solo stuff, but I regret to say that I neglected you and Louis post break up.

It wasn’t a personal choice, life got busy. I fell out of my fandom phases and only focused on a few, but would be on and off with it too. I could never be the fan girl I once was with One Direction for anyone else.

I listened to your first solo album fully the other night driving to Toronto. It broke my heart that I didn’t do this sooner, and I don’t know why I never did. Now I’m making sure I equally put in the effort to keep up with all the members and not just Harry. Your management team failed you, your solo stuff is good.

I also feel bad to had never acknowledged how important you were in the dynamic of the band. You were in the forefront from the very beginning, you were the glue of the band and the fandom.

Now I’m 25 years old, I have my big girl job now and I can’t focus on my job because of the news. It’s hit me harder than I admit. I have been sad all day knowing it’s your funeral. I’ve been down since the news of your passing. I’ve never experienced any sort of grief in my life until this. You deserved so much better and I feel bad knowing I was one of the fans who neglected you. You’ve always held a special place in my heart and I regret letting the media skew my perceptions of you. I hate that I even contemplated your character. It’s so clear to me now just how much you were screaming for help.

Seeing edits of you, you look so full of life. You have the warmest and friendliest smile. You make me feel like we’ve been friends for years even though you don’t know who I am. I’m forever grateful I even had the opportunity to hug you, and now you’re gone.

Liam, you mean the world to me. I will always remember you and keep you alive in my memories and heart.

Goodbyes are bittersweet.

~ Natalie ❤️

[whimsicallyenchantinglydreaming]

x

[whimsicallyenchantinglydreaming]

It feels so right yet it seems so wrong to be with you.

3 am thoughts (via suspend)

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“Maybe I’m just hard to love.”

— and easy to leave (via difficult)

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Most important lesson I learned in the past year is, don’t let anyone turn you cruel. No matter how badly you wanna give the world a taste of its own bitter medicine. It’s never worth losing yourself over.

[whimsicallyenchantinglydreaming]

i hope u find someone that mindlessly plays with your hands and lightly strokes your legs and massages your back and plays with your hair and i hope that u feel like you’re home when u look at them

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I wish I could write. I get these ideas but I never seem to be able to put them in words.

F. Scott Fitzgerald (via quotemadness)