whileyouwereatwork

[whileyouwereatwork]

After some heated negotiations, Richard finally signed a settlement agreement and got his tv back in exchange for $120 and his champion juicer. He's also responsible for giving women "vaginal spasms"More video and details to follow. Back story at: whileyouwereatwork.tumblr.com #seesomething #richard! #mrwilson #dennisthemenace #whileyouwereatwork #championjuicer #legal #settlement #62inchtv #Samsung #roommates

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More fun with Casual Encounters

This weekend Richard told MP and I that he'd received a naughty photo from a woman, who was attempting to lure him into a sexual rendezvous.

Naturally this prompted a series of questions including whether the woman was retarded, and if Richard had ever sent "Favre style dick pics" to a lady. He hasn't. I find that surprising considering the times we live in.

To show Richard how easy it is, and to punish him for withholding the identity of the woman in his story, I posted this ad on Craigslist M4M casual encounters.

If you don't spend a lot of time trawling for NSA sex on the internet, I can assure you this is the kind of offer that gets attention.

You see, Richard? Anyone can do it.

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Richard, I missed you.

We all missed you, Richard. Except for MP, he relishes the hours of your absence. That's why I wanted it to be special when we reunited.

Phase One

Over the past two weeks, I've spent a shamefully unproductive number of hours adding all of your Los Angeles area, female friends to a seemingly identical second Facebook profile (regular readers will remember Pumpkin Richard, your wily nemesis).

Phase Two

I updated the new Facebook profile's status

This is a pretty basic spy move for badasses like me and Gene Hackman. Finger your pursuer as the double agent before he can finger you. It's also good advice, sexually.

Please note the flourish of signature Richard malaprop.

Phase Three

With the original Richard disavowed and the eyes of the internet upon us, there was only one thing left to do...

SIGN YOU UP FOR BANG WITH FRIENDS AND MAKE THE RESULTS PUBLIC!!!

Happy belated Valentine's Day, buddy. Welcome home.

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Meanwhile...

In my defense, the cleaning lady put his shoes in my closet and also I don't care.

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Any dick can make a baby, but it takes a real Richard to be a father.

Richard, you are forever my brother's keeper. My conscience. My guiding light.

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Richard, will you be my Valentine?

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. And while lots of couples celebrated with chocolates and flowers, I decided to mark the occasion by posting these sex offender warnings with Richard's picture around the neighborhood (Melrose Elementary pictured below).

I'm just like Channing Tatum in The Vow, except that I made a solemn promise to torment Richard through sickness and health.

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Richard, are you a Nazi?

Richard is deeply paranoid that the IT department at his job monitors all of his email exchanges and IM conversations. After every off color remark sent to him, Richard responds with "not appropriate" in the belief that his corporate masters will see he wasn't complicit in the use of foul language, racy humor, or proper syntax and grammar; all of which he omits from his own communications.

Historically I've tapped this fear as a means for extortion, threatening to email him photos from my library of homemade pornography under the subject line "Per your request" until he agrees to my demands. Lately, however, I've simply found his cowardice to be exhausting.

To prove to Richard that nobody is paying attention to him, I decided to sign him up for a number of white power mailing lists and discussion forums using his work email address. When the week ends without a call from the HR department, we'll know I was right. On the off chance that he does get in trouble, I'll apologize by posting the formal (hilarious) letter of termination as a public mea culpa.

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You don't ask, you don't get.

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More Holiday Cheer!

While getting drunk last Thursday morning, I was overwhelmed with hunger. Richard had been on vacation or "holiday," as he calls it, for nearly two weeks and the fridge was empty. Hoping to find some nuts or a toblerone, I went foraging in his room where I stumbled upon A PILE OF UNOPENED PRESENTS!

WTF? How was this possible that I received only one gift in the form of a houseplant (much needed and appreciated, and pictured below), while Richard got so many presents that he didn't even bother to open them all?!

Further investigation uncovered that some of the presents WEREN'T EVEN FROM THIS CHRISTMAS. There were unopened birthday gifts, and cards from his skate shop wishing him an "X-treme X-mas 2010!"

And so it was out of drunken spite, jealousy, and hunger that I decided to open all of Richard's Christmas presents.

If I can be clear on only one thing in this post, let it be this:

Richard doesn't respect his friends enough to open their thoughtful gifts. I, on the other hand, respect them enough to open their gifts even when they weren't intended for me.

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With Richard out of town for the holidays, the house has been feeling a little lonely. At least it was until I met a friendly group of Europeans at the bar last night. They regaled me with stories about how they'd been "brotheling" their way across America, and had plans to spend the night at the nearby Melrose Spa.

http://www.yelp.com/biz/melrose-spa-los-angeles

That's when I remembered the dark room and relatively clean 110 thread count sheets back at the Formosa House. Problem solved.

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Dream Date Update: Christmas Edition!

When MP and I told the world we were going to offer the ladies of Craigslist Casual Encounters the chance to win a dream date with Richard, the naysayers called it a joke. They said we didn't know anything about match making; that we wouldn't be able to  afford an "escort," and we'd just end up borrowing money to buy Richard a "hooker."

Sure, that last part may have been our "plan A" at one point, but then we met the lovely AW, and she swept us all off our feet.

As a testament to the power of true love, I present to you the Christmas gifts Richard received from his Dream Date this morning (see photos below). Representing her Midwestern roots, AW sent a "someone in Chicago loves me" shirt, which I'd hoped was from her closet, but upon sniffing discovered it to be a new purchase (exhibit B). She also sent a Chicago style, deep dish pizza (not pictured), the scraps of which I photographed after my lunch (exhibit C).

Merry Christmas, one and all.

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Hey love your blogs!

Thanks. You sound smart. And pretty. You should come by sometime and I'll show you where Richard keeps his collection of Coldplay CDs.

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The following events took place on 12/5/11 between the hours of 8:26 am and 11 pm.

8:26 am - While reading Fox News as he does every morning, MP comes across this shocking article, which claims microwave popcorn gives you cancer. As you all know, microwave popcorn accounts for nearly 70% of Richard's daily caloric intake. MP emails us his findings.

On 12/5/11 8:26 AM, "M P" <mpxxxx@gmail.com <x-msg://120/mpxxxx@gmail.com> > wrote:

richard's going to get pancreatic cancer! 3. The Toxicologist Won't Eat: Microwave Popcorn Olga Naidenko, is a senior scientist for the Environmental Working Group. The problem: Chemicals, including perfluorooctanoic acid (PFOA), in the lining of the bag, are part of a class of compounds that may be linked to infertility in humans, according to a recent study from UCLA. In animal testing, the chemicals cause liver, testicular, and pancreatic cancer <http://www.foxnews.com/topics/health/cancer/pancreatic-cancer.htm#r_src=ramp> . Studies show that microwaving causes the chemicals to vaporize--and migrate into your popcorn. "They stay in your body for years and accumulate there," says Naidenko, which is why researchers worry that levels in humans could approach the amounts causing cancers in laboratory animals. DuPont and other manufacturers <http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/12/01/7-foods-should-never-eat/#> have promised to phase out PFOA by 2015 under a voluntary EPA plan, but millions of bags of popcorn will be sold between now and then. The solution: Pop natural kernels the old-fashioned way: in a skillet. For flavorings, you can add real butter or dried seasonings, such as dillweed, vegetable flakes, or soup mix. Budget tip: Popping your own popcorn is dirt cheap Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/12/01/7-foods-should-never-eat/#ixzz1fg6pUDmi

2:24 pm - Scared for his life, Richard IMs me, his dearest friend. (see above)

11 pm - Richard contemplates his options in a world where the thing he loves most is killing him slowly. (see above)

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UPDATE: RICHARD'S WALL

For the past six years, I've been fascinated by the strange paintings of celebrities that a homeless woman sells on the grass median in the intersection of Crescent Heights and Wilshire. Flush on time and low on birthday gift ideas, I decided it was finally time to get into it with the original LA street artist, who introduced herself as Cher.

In addition to being a talented painter, Cher proved to be a savvy entrepreneur when she agreed to give me this Rat Pack sketch at half-price in exchange for plugging her on the blog, which she now follows from a nearby internet cafe.

Not only is the Rat Pack drawing better looking than that piece of crap Casablanca thing Richard had on his wall, but it's so much more appropriate for him - Richard loves his gang of friends almost as much as he loves wearing ties when he goes out in Vegas. The similarities between us and the Rat Pack really are endless. Looking at the piece now, I can't help but wonder, "Which one would I be?"

Sammy Davis - because he's black, and also because I was "born in a trunk." That would make MP Dean Martin, the drunk rascal. And of course that makes Richard none other than...  

Peter Lawford (not pictured).

Not only was the lesser Rat Packer British (just like Richard), but he was the first to die (just like Richard will be).

You can find Cher on the south side of the Crescent Heights-Wilshire intersection, across from the Wahoo's Fish Tacos nearly everyday. Her art ranges from $10-$30, and features such celebrities as Johnny Cash, Ella Fitzgerald and Craig Ferguson. She also does custom pieces. I encourage you all to visit her for the holidays.

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Today is what seems like it must be Richard's 41st birthday. Out of respect for the occasion we decided to surprise him with something special... We're helping him redecorate his bedroom! Step One was taking down the woodblock Casablanca poster that I he bought at Costco or took off the walls of a Simi Valley pizza place. But what to replace it with? Strong believers in both decisions by committee, and in the powers of Craigslist, we are leaving it to you, the internet. Help us decide what goes on Richard's wall next by responding to our Craigslist ad. http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/sub/2692154921.html

We are offering a very special section of our roommate Richard's bedroom wall for rent. While he was at work yesterday, we decided we didn't like his Casablanca poster and felt compelled to remedy the situation. His loss is your gain. The Casablanca poster? Gone! Now for $10/week YOU CAN HANG ANYTHING YOU WANT ON HIS WALL! A great opportunity for: Small Business Owners Artists Friends of Richard Creeps Enemies of Richard Oscar Contenders Exhibitionists Women In Love With Richard Local/National political campaigns Men In Love With Richard Past Lovers of Richard who want to make him jealous with their new found happiness People interested in reminding Richard of an important event Interior Designers College kids who are drunk and or high Possible Uses: --Advertise to a captive audience of one while increasing exposure via A FEATURED SPOT ON OUR WEBSITE! --Hang a creepy portrait with eyes that follow Richard around the room and giggle about how it will give him nightmares! --Send a demoralizing, intimidating or racially insensitive message that will "psych" him out before an upcoming poker tournament or fantasy football match! --Tempt Richard with a photograph of your face, body or piercings! --Remind him to take his bath! The potential is LIMITED ONLY BY YOUR IMAGINATION! THE SPACE is located in the upper right hand corner of the North wall of his bedroom, ideally placed beside two poorly hung shelves (one soon to be a hole in the wall), and above a credenza littered with crap. This section of the wall gets excellent light in the afternoon and cannot be ignored when Richard is lying in bed or when he is exiting the room. $10 weekly obo. Open to negotiating monthly rates as well. Delivery of payment and wall hangings will be the responsibility of lessee. For more info please visit http://whileyouwereatwork.tumblr.com Formosa (google map) (yahoo map)

cats are OK - purrr

dogs are OK - wooof

Location: Richard's room

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests