whichwaytothebeachseabass

[whichwaytothebeachseabass]

Things We Carry

Summary: Two broken souls find each other.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Black Widow Soldier! Reader.

Contents: very short (about 1K words), description of being a Hydra assassin, description of violence (nothing too graphic), some sadness, some fluff, use of Y/N.

A/N: this is the VERY FIRST fanfic i'm publicly uploading on here! i've had this one in my drafts for a while (among several others lol), and now i've finally decided to upload this one. another note: English is not my first language so there might be some slight mistakes, but i think i got them all out.

enjoy! :)

Lying on an operation table, strapped down, unable to move. The faces of men in white coats and masks occasionally visible as they bend over to take a closer look at the functionality of the human brain. The taste of cold metal on tongues and the whiring of the mechanic chair were the last things to be noticed before everything was replaced by pain. Electric shocks surging through the human body, not enough to kill, though just enough to drive someone mad.

Punches thrown, guns firedguns fired, bodies collapsed on the cold floor, blood everywhere. Their rules where quite simple; don’t stop untill the mission is completed. Failure will not be tollerated. Although, there was no mission yet, this was just a training, a sparring session with fellow soldiers. They should have known better though, with Hydra, it was never just a sparring session. One could say that there was indeed a mission during these training sessions; that mission simply being surviving, taking out every last opponent untill you were the last one standing, and most importantly showing no remorse, no mercy, not a single emotion, as the trigger is pulled.

The missions in itself knew a few more specific ground rules; such as get to location unnoticed, retrieve whatever it it that Hydra wants, leave no traces and most importantly, leave no witnesses. Exterminate every last soul that gets in the way of the mission.

Sometimes, the missions weren’t really missions at all. Some higher-up person with status and a shitload of money would come to Hydra to have someone ‘taken care of’. A merciless killing, so the speak. Those merciless killings, however, were in fact the easy ones. To the average person, taking someones life isn’t something they would even dare to imagine. However for Hydra soldiers it has become second nature. They were being trained to kill. Brainwashed to become machines.

Tests, trainings, briefings, killings… This is what live was; day in, day out, for decades on end. In the beginning, there was resistence, oh yes. Unwillingness to co-operate. This is never what they wanted, never what should have become of their lives. But the pain became unbarable. Shocked within an inch of insanity, enough to break the soul. To become a merciless killing machine.

x / x / x / x / x / x / x / x / x / x / x / x / x /x / x / x / x / x / x /x / x / x /

This is what live was for Bucky and Y/N. Raised to be trained killers from a fairly young age. Being fully conscious, yet not knowing which part of you is actually you. Deep down, they might have know that what they were doing was wrong, what was being asked of them was wrong. But when their brains tell them to pull the trigger, that is what they did. That is all they’ve ever know.

Untill they were pulled out of it.

Years of living as an assassin and suddenly you’re expected to live life like everyone else. Mandatory therapy sessions with so-called ‘speciallists’ who didn’t in the slightest understand what they had to go through, what their everyday live was like. Both Y/N and Bucky might not have fully realised what they were doing in the years they worked for Hydra, but they sure remember all of it. Maybe being held captive is a better way of describing their years at Hydra, in stead of ‘work’. That’s what Y/N liked to call it anyway.

What also didn’t particularly help is that both Bucky and Y/N were somewhat in the public eye. Of course, citizens were not supposed to know of Hydra’s assassins. However; Bucky being Steve Rogers’ best friend and Y/N having worked together with Natasha Romanoff’s younger sister Yelena in the Red Room, who were ultimately the ones that got them out of Hydra’s grasp, gave them ties to The Avengers. Because of this, everybody knew what they had done, what they were. Trained killers. Assassins.

Monsters.

Oftentimes, Y/N wasn’t sure if live like this was supposed to be better. The menories of all the lives she took, together with the judgemental stares and scared faces of everyone around her weighing heavy on her shoulders. Bucky felt the same way. The both of them desperately wish they could just do something, anything to lighten that weight that they carry around everywhere they go.

And so, ultimately, they found each other.

Through The Avengers, or at least what was left of them, the two were introduced. Y/N had heard of him, of course she had, Dreykov didn’t call his little mind control games The Winter Soldier Project for nothing. He was the one she was supposed to look up to… what a sick and twisted world they lived in.

It may have taken a while, but the two ex-assassins warmed up to each other. Bucky found her presence refreshing; she provided him with a sense of normalcy as opposed to the constant looks of fear and sorrow of everyone around him. She knew, she’d seen it up close and lived it. Although she wasn’t a supersoldier, and he, being the literal blueprint of Hydra’s brainwashing system, had a lot more years on her as a Hydra captive, they understood each other. Sure, at first Bucky had Steve and Y/N had Yelena, two people that served as rocks for the both of them, as best friends. But Steve ultimately choose to stay in the past with the love of his live, and Yelena ran back into the field to look for any other Black Widow Soldiers that were still under Dreykov’s control. Neither of them blamed their friend for one second, claiming they wanted what was best for them. Still, it came paired with quite some loneliness.

Now, Y/N was laying on the couch with her head on Bucky’s chest, his arm slung around her body. A TV-show neither one of them were really paying attention to playing in the background while they enjoyed each others company in silence, softly breathing each other in. She loved moments like this; alone with him, nobody else around, no obligations at all. Just the two of them in their little bubble of calm and Y/N couln’t help but notice that the weight that they both have been carrying around for so many years, has finally begun to lift. She knew Bucky felt it too. He carressed her hair and placed a soft kiss on her forehead as he continued to look ahead at the TV screen.

In this moment, the both of them knew they were gonna be allright.

[whichwaytothebeachseabass]

Guiding Light - Master List

summary: It was supposed to be a simple mission. Get the intel and go home. Until everything goes wrong and you’re taken captive by Hydra. While you struggle to stay alive and hold your sanity, Bucky begins to lose himself to a darkness and gives into the soldier because he doesn’t know how to breathe without you. Not until he brings you home. If he even can. pairing: bucky x reader word count: ~100,000  warnings: graphic descriptions of violence, torture, minor character death, vague/brief suicidal ideation, smut (marked with *), slow burn/longing/mutual pining

🥊 part one

💣 part two

📺 part three 

🎥 part four 

👟 part five 

🗽 part six 

👯‍♀️ part seven 

🕯 part eight 

🏥 part nine 

🧠 part ten 

❤️ part eleven *

❄️ part twelve 

💜 part thirteen *

✨series playlist ✨

Drabble: Destroyer

This series is officially complete 🖤

[whichwaytothebeachseabass]

reblogging because this fic/universe is so fucking good

Just Pretend Universe

Here you will find all of the stories that take place in the Just Pretend universe! The main series is a Noah Sebastian x Musician! Reader fic with a few spin offs with Matt Dierkes and Jolly Karlsson! The spin-offs can be read as a standalone but you might be a tad confused.

I plan to add more to this master list once I start writing more spin-offs!

If anyone wants to read it in chronological order with all the spin-offs, this is the reading order:

JP chapters 1-22

Fika Part 1 and 2

JP chapters 23-25.

Unveiled Hearts: it kind of intertwines with chapter 25 of JP.

Boundless: can be read honestly whenever after UH because it’s basically a standalone smut fic.

JP chapters 26-29.

All Eternity

För Alltid

Dreamstate

JP chapter 30

Oialë

JP chapter 31[END]

Just Pretend: “I can wait for years, heaven knows I’m not getting over you.”

A story about two star-crossed lovers, that always find their way back because their souls are entwined. The universe desperately attempts to bring them together, no matter what the cost.[MAIN SERIES]

Dreamstate: Noah finds himself stuck in a void of dreamstate.[takes place between chapters 29 and 30 in Just Pretend]

Unveiled Hearts-Matt and Faye still can’t confess their feelings for each other. Crossing the line from friends to lovers could change the dynamics of the tour of the Concrete Jungle. An accidental kiss reveals the truth hidden behind small smiles and laughter. They both know that the smart thing would be to forget it ever happened. But some kisses are so spectacular that they change everything.

Boundless- Faye has a secret fantasy that she wants to act out with Matt, who has a proposition for her in return.

All Eternity-Matt has a promise to prove to Faye.

Oialë-Matt meets up with Faye at a familiar place.

Fika-To appease her dying father’s wishes, Astrid takes over the family coffee shop: Fïka. Plans to restore it to its former glory: setting her dreams and ambitions aside- that is until she meets an unexpected stranger. This very stranger changes the trajectory of her life PART ONE | PART TWO

För Alltid- The rope that binds Jolly and Astrid together is bound to snap. Can they tighten it before it's too late?

[whichwaytothebeachseabass]

101 Self-Care Suggestions for When It All Feels Like Too Much

1. Have a good, long, body-shaking cry.

2. Call a trusted friend or family member and talk it out.

3. Call in sick. Take comp time if you can. Take a mental health day.

4. Say no to extra obligations, chores, or anything that pulls on your precious self-care time.

5. Book a session (or more!) with your therapist.

6. Dial down your expectations of yourself at this time. When you’re going through life’s tough times, I invite you to soften your expectations of yourself and others.

7. Tuck yourself into bed early with a good book and clean sheets.

8. Watch a comforting/silly/funny/lighthearted TV show or movie. (“Parks and Recreation,” anyone?)

9. Reread your favorite picture and chapter books from childhood.

10. Ask for some love and tenderness from your friends on social media. Let them comment on your post and remind you that you’re loved.

11. Look at some some really gorgeous pieces of art.

12. Watch Youtube videos of Ellen DeGeneres and the adorable kids she has on her show.

13. Look at faith-in-humanity-restoring lists from Buzzfeed.

14. Ask for help. From whoever you need it – your boss, your doctor, your partner, your therapist, your mom. Let people know you need some help.

15. Wrap yourself up in a cozy fleece blanket and sip a cup of hot tea.

16. Breathe. Deeply. Slowly. Four counts in. Six counts out.

17. Hydrate. Have you had enough water today?

18. Eat. Have you eaten something healthy and nourishing today?

19. Sleep. Have you slept 7-9 hours? Is it time for some rest?

20. Shower. Then dry your hair and put on clothes that make you feel good.

21. Go outside and be in the sunshine.

22. Move your body gently in ways that feel good. Maybe aim for 30 minutes. Or 10 if 30 feels like too much.

23. Read a story (or stories) of people who overcame adversity or maybe dealt with mental illness, too. (I personally admire JK Rowling’s story.)

24. Go to a 12-Step meeting. Or any group meeting where support is offered. Check out church listings, hospital listings, school listings for examples.

25. If you suspect something may be physiologically off with you, go see your doctor and/or psychiatrist and talk to them. Medication might help you at this time and they can assist you in assessing this.

26. Take a long, hot bath, light a candle and pamper yourself.

27. Read inspirational quotes.

28. Cuddle someone or something. Your partner. A pillow. Your friend’s dog.

29. Read past emails/postcards/letters etc. from friends and family reminding you of happier times.

30. Knit. Sculpt. Bake. Engage your hands.

31. Exhaust yourself physically – running, yoga, swimming, whatever helps you feel fatigued.

32. Write it out. Free form in a journal or a Google doc. Get it all out and vent.

33. Create a plan if you’re feeling overwhelmed. List out what you need to do next to tackle and address whatever you’re facing. Chunk it down into manageable and understandable pieces.

34. Remember: You only have to get through the next five minutes. Then the next five. And so on.

35. Take five minutes to meditate.

36. Write out a list of 25 Reasons Why You’ll Be OK.

37. Write out a list of 25 Examples of Things You’ve Overcome or Accomplished.

38. Write out a list of 25 Reasons Why You’re a Good, Lovable Person.

39. Write out a list of 25 Things That Make Your Life Beautiful.

40. Sniff some scents that bring you joy or remind you of happier times.

41. Ask for support from friends and family via text if voice-to-voice contact feels like too much. Ask them to check in with you via text daily/weekly. Whatever you need.

42. Lay down on the ground. Let the earth/floor hold you. You don’t have to hold it all on your own.

43. Clean up a corner of a room of your house. Sometimes tidying up can help calm our minds.

44. Ask yourself: What’s my next most immediate priority? Do that. Then ask the question again.

45. Read some poetry.

46. Take a tech break. Delete or deactivate social media if it feels too triggering right now.

47. Or maybe get on tech. If you’ve been isolating maybe even interacting with friends and family online might feel good.

48. Go out in public and be around others. You don’t have to engage. But maybe go sit in a coffee shop or on a bench at a museum and soak up the humanity around you.

49. Or if you’re feeling too saturated with contact, go home. Cancel plans and tend to the introverted parts of yourself.

50. Ask friends and family to remind you that things will be OK and that what you’re feeling is temporary.

51. Put up some Christmas lights in your bedroom. They often make things more magical.

52. Spend a little money and treat yourself to some self-care and comfort. Maybe take a taxi versus the bus. Buy your lunch instead of forcing yourself to pack it. Buy some flowers that delight you.

53. Make art. Scribble with crayons. Splash some watercolors. Paint a rock. Whatever. Just create something.

54. Go wander around outside in your neighborhood and take a look at all the lovely houses and the way people decorate their gardens. Delight in the diversity of design.

55. Go visit or volunteer at your local animal rescue. Pet some animals.

56. Look at photos of people you love. Set them as the wallpaper of your phone or laptop.

57. Create and listen to a playlist of songs that remind you of happier times.

58. Read some spiritual literature.

59. Scream, pound pillows, tear up paper, shake your body to move the energy out.

60. Eat your favorite, most comforting foods.

61. Watch old Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood videos online.

62. Turn off the lights, sit down, stare into space and do absolutely nothing.

63. Pick one or two things that feel like progress and do them. Make your bed. Put away the dishes. Return an email.

64. Go to a church or spiritual community service. Sit among others and absorb any guidance or grace that feels good to you.

65. Allow yourself to fantasize about what you’re hoping or longing for. There are clues and energy in your reveries and daydreams that are worth paying attention to.

66. Watch Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response videos to help you calm down and fall asleep at night.

67. Listen to monks chanting, singing Tibetan bowls or nature sounds to help soothe you.

68. Color in some adult coloring books.

69. Revisit an old hobby. Even if it feels a little forced, try your hand at things you used to enjoy and see what comes up for you.

70. Go to the ocean. Soak up the negative ions.

71. Go to the mountains. Absorb the strength and security of them.

72. Go to the forest. Drink in the shelter, life and sacredness of the trees.

73. Put down the personal help books and pick up some good old fashioned fiction.

74. Remember: Your only job right now is to put one foot in front of the other.

75. Allow and feel and express your feelings – all of them! – safely and appropriately. Seek out help if you need support in this.

76. Listen to sad songs or watch sad movies if you need a good cry. (“Steel Magnolias“, anyone?)

77. Dance around wildly to your favorite, most cheesy songs from your high school years.

78. Put your hands in dirt. If you have a garden, go garden. If you have some indoor plants, tend to them. If you don’t have plants or a garden, go outside. Go to a local nursery and touch and smell all the gorgeous plants.

79. If you want to stay in bed all day watching Netflix, do it. Indulge.

80. Watch or listen to some comedy shows or goofy podcasts.

81. Look for and Google up examples of people who have gone through and made it through what you’re currently facing. Seek out models of inspiration.

82. Get expert help with whatever you need. Whether that’s through therapy, psychiatry, a lawyer, clergy, let those trained to support you do it.

83. Educate yourself about what you’re going through. Learn about what you’re facing, what you can expect to feel, and how you can support yourself in this place.

84. Establish a routine and stick to it. Routines can bring so much comfort and grounding in times of life that feel chaotic or out of control.

85. Do some hardcore nesting and make your home or bedroom as  cozy and beautiful and comforting as possible.

86. Get up early and watch a sunrise.

87. Go outside and set up a chair and watch the sunset.

88. Make your own list of self-soothing activities that engage all five of your senses.

89. Develop a supportive morning ritual for yourself.

90. Develop a relaxing evening ritual for yourself.

91. Join a support group for people who are going through what you’re going through. Check out the listings at local hospitals, libraries, churches, and universities to see what’s out there.

92. Volunteer at a local shelter or hospital or nursing home. Practice being of service to others who may also be going through a tough time.

93. Accompany a friend or family member to something. Even if it’s just keeping them company while they run errands, sometimes this kind of contact can feel like good self-care.

94. Take your dog for a walk. Or borrow a friend’s dog and take them for a walk.

95. Challenge your negative thinking.

96. Practice grounding, relaxation techniques.

97. Do something spontaneous. Walk or drive a different way to work. Order something new off the menu.Listen to a Spotify playlist of new songs.

98. Work with your doctor, naturopath or nutritionist to develop a physical exercise plan and food plan that will be supportive to whatever you’re facing right now.

99. Pray. Meditate. Write a letter to God/The Universe/Source/Your Higher Self, whatever you believe in.

100. As much as you can, please try and trust the process.

101. Finally, please remember, what you’re going through right now is temporary. It may not feel like that from inside the tough time you’re in, but this too shall pass and you will feel different again someday. If you can’t have faith in that, let me hold the hope for you.

[whichwaytothebeachseabass]

Part 2 of LGBTQ+ lock screens is here!

Pls Like+Reblog if you’re gonna use them.

Thanks again for all the kind comments on the previous one, I really loved reading them! If you have more requests, let me know :)

[whichwaytothebeachseabass]

First time making LGBTQ+ Lock Screens :)

Please Like+Reblog if using them, Thankyouu! 

EDIT: OKAAY so I really didn’t expect this to get so many notes lmao, but I am really thankful of those who love these lock screens :)

for the people that think I excluded lesbians, please know that I did not. By ‘gay’, I also meant gay girls. Please don’t think I am excluding people, I just decided to make ‘only 6′ for now. so if you have any requests for other lock screens I should make, tell me in the comments :D

Also, I’ve been made aware that some people do, in fact, use ‘it/its’ pronouns. If you are one of these people, please know that I didn't know that there were actually people that use it/its pronouns, or were comfortable with this. I simply thought that being called an ‘it’ was generally offensive towards the non binary community. Therefore I wanna apologize to the NB’s out there that DO go by it/its pronouns, you are just as valid as everyone else. 

Part 2

[whichwaytothebeachseabass]

First tattoo!

[whichwaytothebeachseabass]

Reblog if you would date a bi person

I need to prove something to myself