whatzittooyah

[whatzittooyah]

Sometimes loving someone when you have trauma is desperately telling yourself over nd over you're loved you're loved you're loved please just know you're loved

I am loved, I'm not in trouble and no one hates me. I deserve this love. I deserve to love. I won't be abandoned, i am worth being with, worth loving, despite being Me.

[whatzittooyah]

i fear i am hard to love, and a burden to those that do love me

[whatzittooyah]

i fear i am going to die alone and that it’s going to happen sooner than i expect it to

[whatzittooyah]

i’m stuck off people telling me that i need hobbies to meet people, even if i had a stupid fucking hobby i’m still too shy to meet anyone on my own :(

[whatzittooyah]

one thing i was afraid of when thinking about getting a dog was that i’d still be just as lonely as before. and Charlie definitely makes me feel less lonely when im at home. but the core loneliness, the reason for my feeling so alone is still there. i barely have friends and i have no romantic (or sexual) prospects. i’m becoming my mother in that regard. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

[whatzittooyah]

i’m afraid to fall back into suicidality but simultaneously feel like it just makes sense for me, like it’s only a matter of time

[whatzittooyah]

i’m typically a logical person, so it’s hard to battle (what feels like) the logic side of my brain when it displays how logical and rational suicide would be for me

[whatzittooyah]

why do i exist. i’m so unloveable, undesirable, and nobody understands me. there’s no point to me

[whatzittooyah]

the last few days i’ve been fluctuating between my thoughts being “suicide is my only option” and “ooh what if i get a dog that’d be so cute”

[whatzittooyah]

interacting with my very drunk best friend while i have been mostly sober the last few weekends has shown me just how much they worry about and love me. they freaked out at the idea of me driving drunk (i wasn’t) because they wanted me to get home safe. they kept repeating that they wouldn’t know what they’d do without me and when i told them that they could if they had to they gave me the saddest eyes and said “but i don’t want to”

[whatzittooyah]

signs you were not doing well as a child:

you spent most of your time in your room/alone, not because you wanted to, but because it was the safest thing to do

you had to worry about whether you’d be able to eat safely that day, or if you’d be met with insults, attacks and/or being chased away from food

you wanted to inflict harm onto yourself and felt it was normal to want to harm you

you inflicted harm onto your body

you spent a long time having imaginary conversations in your head where you tried to prove somehow that you were not as bad as everyone make it seem, or that someone cares about you

you sank into obsessions in order to get thru whatever was going on

you felt as if you were barely making it thru, and if there was just one more thing you’d have to deal with, you wouldn’t be able to take it

you had wild fantasies about someone taking you away from all of this and taking you somewhere safe where you wouldn’t be despised

you never felt at home, you felt like you didn’t have a home

you looked for every possible place to hide, in order to feel safe for a little while, both to keep your enjoyment secret and in case of a danger, you needed to have a hiding place

you were scared of all of your enjoyment being taken away the second people found out

you had to spend more time doing chores or taking care of others, than you could spend developing your own friendships and life

you felt inexplicably and endlessly lonely, you dreamed of one day having friends and it felt unreachable, impossible, like asking for too much

you never cried, or hid when you cried, feeling ashamed and weak

you over-indulged into a tv show, or a computer game, or a piece of media, to the point where it didn’t feel like you lived at all unless you were interacting with it

sometimes the insults and the shaming you endured got to you to the point where you believed things would be better if you didn’t exist

you were constantly trying to check if your parents actually cared for you or not, and took any tiny hint of attention, even negative attention, as a possible proof that they might care, but you could never know for sure which it was

you were scared of getting abandoned, getting kicked out of the house, getting left on the street, you even tried to plan what you would do if it happened

you had moments when you felt like the worst person to ever live

you thought about ending your life, to stop the pain 

you felt guilt and shame so large, you thought there was nothing in the world that could possibly redeem you

you ran to hide when your family member would come home, you couldn’t bear being seen in ‘their part of the house’ (living room, dining room)

you were reluctant to admit anything that was bothering you to your parents or caretakers, because you already knew they would either blame you, or use it against you

you spiraled into dark thoughts, all on your own, telling no one

you experienced feeling so numb and lifeless, you didn’t know what was wrong with you, and it scared you

you couldn’t imagine yourself going far in the future, or accomplishing much at all, you felt it would be a miracle if you’re alive later on

you tried to blame yourself for anything that had ever happened to you, trying to get control over it, trying to make it so it doesn’t happen again

you got into media that is restricted for children (extreme violence, gruesome horror and gore, sexually explicit and sexually violent materials) and you absorbed it and told no one about it

you endured being harassed or violated by a predator and told no one about it

you were constantly scared of what everyone else was thinking and saying about you

you were ashamed of things you did and said and worried endlessly that somehow you caused something bad to happen

you felt as if your worst fear would always, always come true

[whatzittooyah]

i feel so fucking invisible

[whatzittooyah]

Louise Glück, from “Unpainted Door”, Poems 1962-2012

[whatzittooyah]

being born lonely is so fucking suffocating bc you feel like no matter who you do or who you’re with deep down you’re just not palatable to other people. something about you is so inherently other and nothing can ever dispel that. and it haunts you w every social situation you walk into but you just have to be okay w it for the rest of your life

[whatzittooyah]

Please stop being so hard on yourself when you’re having a hard time. Even if you feel you’ve made so much progress and shouldn’t be having a hard time. That’s not how it works. It’s normal for things to fluctuate and you aren’t a failure. All your progress is not undone because things are hard now.

You deserve more compassion from yourself. You deserve more credit. And you deserve to be proud of yourself.

[whatzittooyah]

tonight my brain feels like an early 2000s internet comment section and it’s suffocating

[whatzittooyah]

i hate feeling like an ugly, undesirable loser