whatswrongwithmeh

[whatswrongwithmeh]

I’m back to waking up crying. I’m fighting demons to stick to my beliefs and not snoop anywhere.

I‘m actually really mad because my brain doesn’t let me access the progress I’ve made. Everything hurts anew like it’s the first time I think about it. I’m so miserable I don’t know how to distract myself from it.

[whatswrongwithmeh]

06/21/2024

He suddenly reached out to get some of his belongings back and a week later also texted my dad that he’s sorry and he still has some things of mine that he would like to give back.

And that was enough to reset my mental progress to a state from approximately 4 months ago. I’m wondering if that was the goal because I honestly don’t know what would make him reach out to get rid of my things. My mind is dominated by suspicions, I’m overthinking the matter all day long. Are you trying to stir up drama? Did your toxic fling break up? Do you miss me? Are you trying to giving me things that carry emotional weight to make me feel bad?

Why is his apology making me so weak? He did irredeemable things, he’s a liar, a cheater. He’s caused me the most pain in my entire life.

I catch myself thinking about how much I miss him and how I can’t stop loving him. I was already past all that.. I have a thing going, I was having sex and it wasn’t bad. I am getting a lot of attention and affection as far as possible over distance. I feel terrible for missing my ex so bad. My delusions got so bad my mom texted me I received a letter and I started imagining what it would feel like if it was him apologizing and trying his hardest to reach me because I cut him off everywhere. It was so stupid and impossible but it kept my mind busy all day long. It was a vet bill. Obviously.

I keep thinking about if he did reach out like that, if I got to see him again I’d get so weak. I’ve involuntarily already devoured his apology. It should be impossible to forgive what he did and who he ended up with. I mean it is.. but I’d pray to be able to overlook it for him.

I‘m deranged. Apart from how I should act and how I should never take him back, there’s not even any need. There’s no way he wants me. Not even if he got dumped, we’re just on a route with no return, he knows that. He would never want to put in everything he has for a cause. Too much trouble, just find another replacement at that point. That’s how life should go, that’s what I should do.

But I feel guilty for feeling the feelings I feel. I’m not committed at all. I’m sorry. I’d still rather turn back time and try again than move on.

It turns out physical touch and love was not all I needed. Being told I’m hot, arousing someone - it was all nice and game but it didn’t cure me. I feel like I can’t settle for it. And I messed up, I wanted to know if this was my missing piece so bad, now I’ve put myself in a somewhat committed situation while progressively losing my character development over realizing I might actually have been truly in love instead of just missing company. My crush is fading, this is terrible. What do I do now?

Is this what you wanted? Just sabotage my peace like I tried to do for you? Fair enough.

I wish I could just die, this life is cooked. I‘m gonna miss him forever and he’s not even worth that but there’s honestly nothing I can do.

[whatswrongwithmeh]

He’s still so handsome to me, it’s infuriating

[whatswrongwithmeh]

05/16/2024

I deleted all the chats and pictures and I probably wasn’t ready for that yet. I’m not even sure what purpose it served. Maybe trying to free myself from invisible loyalty chains? A sad attempt. If there was an easy way, a cheatcode to get my life back and get him back without consequences or people around me sabotaging - I totally would take it. It sounds so crazy after everything. But nothing really changed for me. There is no amount of hurt and pain they can inflict on me that’s going to take my feelings away. He’s terrible. A piece of shit. Didn’t even treat me that well. But still there’s some deep rooted admiration and comfort I feel for him. Maybe he really was my soulmate. Maybe he just had the privilege of having me open up and be myself like no one else ever witnessed and now it’s like he’s the only person I can share this version of myself with.

Is it love I feel? Definitely some hint of obsession, some desperation because of the sudden void in my life but there’s also positive emotions. Do I just miss not being alone? How can I figure that out without being unfair to a chosen one?

What even is the point if I can’t talk about my healing process freely, I love transparency so much and yet I can’t proudly tell my guy I managed to delete chats and pictures because who talks about their ex like that right? Etiquette, appropriate topics - this is very complicated. I wish I could feel fine about talking about my feelings but it’s just not the right place to do that. And it feels odd because I should be able to talk about everything with someone I want to like. Holding back, pretending I already moved on a lot more than I actually did. Maybe I‘d be able to move on better if I wasn’t already convinced that I’ll be rejected. I don’t know where to put my feelings at the moment. I don’t know what I’m supposed to want and strive for.

I wish someone could give me the answer I seek. Along with some love, I wish I could get some of that.

[whatswrongwithmeh]

How dare you walk around knowing me like that

[whatswrongwithmeh]

05/07/2024

I had a few good days when I believed I doomed their relationship. It was a little tricky tbh because my mind was pretty occupied by this. It was like reopening my wounds but I thought the goal was worth it. Anyways, it didn’t work. 5 days later they still played games together. I wonder how that checks out. I’m really angry because I probably would’ve pushed cheating aside as well. I loved him so much I forgave everything. Until the very bitter end I never left him for what he did to me and I let myself be pushed around and be left. I can never say that I realized my worth or anything because I would’ve never left. He did a good job picking someone with even less self esteem than me. He can pull any stunt he wants and probably gets away with it. It’s kinda gross. Maybe I got left because she’s even easier? He got bored after breaking me so much. No look, I would be fine if she would get to experience the same shit I experienced. Like she got cheated on in less than a month. But he talks his way out of these things. Master manipulator. I’m scared. Everyone says he won’t change but I’m scared he might. I’m scared he’s gonna treat her well and improve. And they get to have something somewhat healthy and happy. It’s not fair. It’s poisoning my mind. It sounds so delusional to talk about healthy after he cheated but maybe it was only with me and now it will never happen again. Maybe that’s something you can suppress and ignore. I mean if it really never happens again? It only stopped because I moved out and the easy access is gone. It’s disgusting. Why is it working out? I’m going insane.

I thought I have no tears left to cry but I woke up in the morning several times just crying like I broke up yesterday. I miss him and it’s painful because I would’ve forgiven it too. It’s pathetic but despite all his lies and him mistreating me we had some good times. And I don’t want him to thrive right now. It’s an unfair shortcut through missing me. I don’t even know if he misses me. After my stunt I think he has a valid reason to hate me. That would be too easy on him. And it really scares me. Despite everything I was hoping to be someone worth missing. I want to feel like a loss. And at this rate I was only a burden, a toxic wrong piece and switching me out brought happiness to everyone except me. I’m really hurt. I loved him he was supposed to be my forever. I was hoping with time and patience he’d improve and we’d get along. But I was just not desirable anymore. I feel so terrible about myself I don’t know what to do. His entire family disliked me compared to her. 6 years for what.. That everyone is glad I’m gone? I hate this so much

I feel like I was set up for failure, I didn’t deserve this. What’s happening to me is unfair and I want someone to make up for it. Does Karma really not exist? I haven’t seen it pay out like ever.

Why did I even bother to bust him, I only hurt myself. They probably overcame that together and even grew closer, uniting over their shared hatred for me. I did them a solid. I’m sad. I’m driving my car and I’m sad he won’t drive me around when he gets his license. He probably won’t waste a thought for me. I wanted that life so bad. It wouldn’t have been good but he was always enough for me. It feels noble to say and it hurts even more that despite all that it was me who wasn’t good enough.

All that patience. I cried a lot while being with him. The lies hurt. Why do I sometimes feel like it was worth it? What is it about him that I keep glorifying and loving? It’s stupid I can never have it back. It wasn’t even that good. How long will it take for me to really feel that way? I can only hope that loneliness is making me feel this conflicted and delusional. And as soon as I experience genuine love and touch I can leave this behind. I’m sadly just really sheltered and stuck. I don’t know how to find someone who would want me. I don’t even want myself.

Im still terrified of rejection. I hate being alone..

[whatswrongwithmeh]

04/29/2024

Yesterday I took it upon myself to give their relationship a push down a cliff. I texted her that he cheated on her multiple times with me and tried to not insult her as much as I was able to. I worded out the goal to be not letting him thrive in his lies and not as doing her a favor. I definitely caused pain if she really didn’t know yet. Maybe in the long run I helped her out which frankly bothers me a bit. I’m sure my message reached them because a friend of his kicked me off his server yesterday. I’m wondering though if I only got kicked for snitching and it didn’t even have the impact it was supposed to have. Like, she already knew and was fine with her cuck being instead of finding out and everything breaking apart. A bit of uncertainty remains and I’m not yet sure if I’ll be able to find peace through speculations. I might be hearing about the outcome of my stunt in the future.

Anyways, I believe this is connected to the incident, I was able to dream of my future encounter with my guy. Of course it’s a little delusional and it might not work out for me because seeing someone in person might just take all the magic away. But in my book this means I was able to move on subconsciously, to free my spirit and commit to someone else. I do hope that at least for a little longer things will float my way. I feel like I need a few wins in my life, I crave being happy and content.

[whatswrongwithmeh]

04/18/2024

I‘m so lonely and bitter again. It just creeped up on me and it stuck for days. I’m not able to cry about missing him and life being terribly unfair but it just hollows me out. It’s like breathing is bothersome and heavy. I have no tears left to cry. I’ve digested all the emotions I feel towards this situation. But now I’m bound to feeling these feelings with no way around. I wish I could distract myself so my thoughts just vanish. I’m just sad and empty again. I just crave to be loved and touched. I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m angry that I’ll have to feel this unsettling sadness and emptiness for the rest of my life when I think about him. Heck everytime I drive to my university I pass the exit to where she lives and I just think about them hanging out rn. Snuggled up with no care in the world. Mentally ill but happy with each other. And I just hate that. Places becoming attached to the people that live there is very disgusting. It takes away space from my world.

Other than that I’m sitting in a puddle of delusion currently. I’m not getting anything that reads genuine interest in me. Maybe that’s fine. I don’t know. Feeling annoying doesn’t feel fine but I just have to take like 50 steps back. I’m already adjusting my expectations to rejection and I‘m just trying to make the current wave last as long as possible. Right now the best time of the day is waiting for him to call me and just chill. I wake up for that. I keep sticking to my unhealthy ways with this though. I should clear up my intentions so I can properly step back instead of holding my breath and seeing how long I can drag this on for. This sounds like my 6 year relationship sadly. Terrified of change and rejection. I’m feeling pathetic I have no one I can truly confide in.. everything is shallow and superficial. It’s fun and nice but that’s all it is. Just gaming, telling you about my day sometimes I even get that back. Being so genuinely interaction starved that I’m living through a high just from hearing you tell me about your day enthusiastically. When there’s a day you frequently text me after one week of nothing I become ecstatic. What is that? Attention starved behavior.

Can I higher my standards please? Why am I pleased easily like that and also so upset when I get treated like a normal acquaintance. Shit like I know this has no way of working out but I need the illusion of it doing so. Wish he could at least act the part.

Im sad. I wanna be held and kissed.

[whatswrongwithmeh]

I want love so bad

[whatswrongwithmeh]

04/03/2024

I feel like I’m supposed to feel more guilty about having butterflies again. Since I still cry about my lost relationship I’m assuming I’m still in love. But it’s weird, I look at pictures of him and he doesn’t look cute anymore - And I hope this is what healing looks like. I think I’m more sad that people are capable of betraying me like that instead of really missing him. The blatant disrespect and unfairness of the situation is very stingy. But maybe at least my love is fading. I know that if I saw him I’d be bawling my eyes out or if he tried to reach out I would be unable to decline. But like this, if I never have to see him again, I think I can be fine. I can barely fight off the urge to check if I’m still blocked everywhere.

Just hearing him say my name is very uplifting. I feel light and warm. It’s a slightly cute tension here and there, I’m very much scared I’m imagining this one sidedly. But it’s not normal to reach out for every free minute you have right? Off work, calls me right away and stays in the call until it’s time to go to bed again. The dedication is flattering, I feel like I’m pleasant to be around. It’s concerning because I think guys are just dense enough to see this purely on a friendship level, even with all the lewd jokes. Because they’re just jokes. It’s kinda hard to navigate through this. Do I get to say things like I miss you jokingly? I am terrified of rejection, I’m trying to bring up maybe meeting up or an opportunity to show my face but I’m too scared. I need some sort of signal, that I’m not imagining everything. The chemistry is crazy, it’s fun to be provocative but honestly where do I go from here. I don’t wanna ruin anything since this is my safe haven.

Im trying to not get attached this much because I feel like im building for failure with this one. But I can’t really help feeling somewhat tingly while interacting. His voice is so nice. I could listen to him say my name infinitely. Cute accent.

I kinda wanna see him but I have a pattern of building up illusions and I don’t want this one to clear up. I don’t know, everything about this is scary. Exciting. Thrilling. But also scary.

[whatswrongwithmeh]

Can you hit me up and miss me again? pls stop being happy

[whatswrongwithmeh]

04/02/2024

I made him cheat. It was very satisfying. Felt really powerful when he told me he wishes he could be the bigger person and just leave and then he didn’t. It felt really fair to see her notification pop off on his phone while we were going at it. Really good but evil at the same time.

She‘s scum to me, the destructiveness was making me ecstatic. You deserve this, definitely. This is nothing compared to you cozying up to him after I had 6 years with him. Worst of it is that both of you think that was a normal occurrence. It gives me a weird sense of peace to know he cheated with zero remorse. He said he likes you and would never want to do it to you but yet he did. Multiple times even. I pray you find out one day and just crack and crumble under the mental torment.

I am somewhere where I wish her suicide attempts were successful. Where I wish I never picked trash like her up the streets. It was really me who fucked myself over. I brought her into my life, I introduced her to literally every single person in my life, which she took from me with ease. Without her in my life a lot would’ve turned out differently, my friends would still be my friends. My boyfriend would maybe not be my boyfriend, I’ll give you that, but at least he wouldn’t be with you then. My development would’ve been different. I have issues thanks to you pretty sure. Maybe even more severe and deep rooted issues than he could’ve ever given me.

I‘m cut off now. I have a little comfort in knowing his love is meaningless and he is a disgusting cheater but as things stand right now I am very lonely and they both thrive like nothing is wrong.

His sister likes her very much. His grandpa couldn’t look at me and backed off like I was gonna assault him instead of bringing over some mail. What did you tell your family? Why is everyone alright with this, why do they hate me? 6 years mean nothing? I considered them my family.. I was a little shy and surrendered myself to him not bringing me along to see his family but was that something worth hating me for? It hurt a lot. You make people hate me like it’s nothing.. Your manipulation game is strong and I wish I didn’t care, since they’re all not in my life anymore but I’m so sad.

It’s so hard to sit back and not try to ruin their thing. It’s already ruined probably, I wouldn’t forgive cheating like that. But just letting him keep lying and live consequence free is such a downer. I still have to cry thinking about how they feel feelings for each other. It feels pathetic to matter this little.

My friend said I only want to spill his deeds to take something away from him that he took from me. Is that wrong though? It eats away from me, it hurts. I don’t begrudge them the fake happiness they have. He said his lying issue is getting better but he started a very huge lie tbh. It’s crazy he can live that life, have a conscience clean enough to not break down. I hate that I’m not destroying it.

Where do I find peace? I imagine telling on him and they still work out, I couldn’t deal with that. What fucked up world do I live in? I’m increasingly conflicted. I want to be happy too.. I just want love, I feel so empty.

The fact he cut me off now too, I can’t wrap my head around it. What does it mean? He really likes her? He’s committed? He stopped liking me, he wants to pretend he didn’t cheat? Everything is making me feel so uneasy I wish he was still trying to reach out to me just so I feel desirable. I feel so little and worthless. I wish that he cheated gave me the feeling of being beautiful or desirable enough to cheat and destroy a bond with someone but I think he’s just sick and twisted, it doesn’t even mean that much to him. He was just horny. Just going for the thrill of doing something he wasn’t supposed to do maybe. I don’t know.

I just wanna be okay. I don’t know how to get there with all this shit in my head

[whatswrongwithmeh]

I miss you

[whatswrongwithmeh]

02/27/2024

I keep lying to myself. How am I gonna chill like this? Every day I think about you two fucking. I’m gonna vomit.

Life moves on? Who’s writing that bullshit into my face? I’m cursed, glued to my phone. Enslaved to my notifications again. I’m blocked yes but what if you change your mind? Every buzz, my heart races. The urge to check is so bad, I’m already telling myself it’s just my parents. I know it is.. I can’t stop hoping. Can’t stop waiting.

All while I’m scared shitless. I can’t see you.. all happy and shit. Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve it? I keep texting him, shooting blanks. Telling him about my day, my struggles. Actually just telling the void. Hoping some of it will deliver, reach him. I want an I’m sorry I miss you more than anything.

But the truth is he doesn’t miss me. Maybe I should rebound. I want an out of jail card even if it’s a terrible price. Price being my principles. What am I even saying though. I have no game. 6 years and the guy didn’t love me. I must have anti rizz.

I get so sad when I watch people be happy. So envious and angry. Fuck this. This is gonna drive even more people away from me. I’m gonna end up all alone.

[whatswrongwithmeh]

Maybe we made it in a world where I changed less and you changed more.

[whatswrongwithmeh]

02/22/2024

Why do I pray that this fails? Why do I need it to fail? If I’m trying to think about it rationally it’s really just a rebound, he’s taking a lazy and disgusting way out of feeling the loneliness he sent me into.

It’s unfair. I wish I could fuck around but that’s just not who I am. I need love and I am in love. I can’t cheat on my feelings. How long do I have to stay prisoner? Thinking hurts. Imagining hurts. I close my eyes, all I have are explicit scenes playing out in my head. I can’t cry because I’m on the verge of throwing up constantly. I’m trying to force indifference onto me. I’m still hoping he will show up for me.

He’s giving narcissist. Not always and it makes me wonder: Is this his true self? Did he hide it the majority of these 6 years? Only making it flicker through occasionally. If he doesn’t get his way he’s pushing all the buttons he can hoping he could predict how I respond to it. He’s bad at this. What does she see in him? I’m genuinely delusional and filled with self hate and dependency. But if you have a rational point of view? Like you know the things he did right??

You’re just offing yourself to the thought he left me for you. 6 years down the drain, that must do something to your fragile ego. You think you’ll get his redemption arc. I was scared of this. But I’m not anymore. He can’t do it. He’s a piece of shit through and through. The only way you two are happy is if he’s stepping up his lying game. I can live with that. I hope.

These two probably know the most about me. My true self. And together they both chose this, knowing what it would do to me. I feel felt like killing myself. They probably knew right? This is really fucked up. How are the people I opened up to like that able to kill me? It makes me think everything they know about me defined me as a person with no value. That it’s okay to do this to me. How is it okay? Did I disrespect myself too much? I set the standard, right?

I‘m so lonely. I don’t know how to find people, approach people.

I‘m hungry but I can’t eat.

I don’t wanna go back home.

I didn’t choose this. I wish I could’ve fixed him.

I love you, after everything you did to me

I want to be wanted and loved

Life doesn’t feel worth living without you

[whatswrongwithmeh]

Are you rebounding? Suppressing your feelings? Or do you really feel like this?