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in case anyone was thinking about feeling sorry for that CEO

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sorry bro I didn't hear your bit I got a little distracted reflecting upon my inadequacies

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One thing I appreciate about my cat son is that if he, who knows how it feels to be trapped in a room, so much as begins to suspect that I, his father, am trapped in a room, then he will immediately do everything in his meager power to rescue me

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stop trying to be palatable, stop trying to be palatable, stop

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"use chatgpt" that's the devil talking. buy four caffeinated drinks and pull an all nighter. this is the way.

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Chai tea bag + lil but of brown sugar + apple cider packet + 16 oz. mug of hot but not quite boiling water

it will not Fix You but like. maybe. maybe.

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My fucking cat has figured out how to gently dig his claws into my eyelid and pull my eyes open while I'm sleeping. He does this. It does not hurt. He is remarkably precise and gentle. I however am asleep when it happens and do not appreciate being clockwork oranged by a needy clingy goddamn animal who thinks he needs attention.

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Stop getting mad at me I raise undead when im in distress

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I turn 30 next month so here’s what I learned in my 20s:

—don’t work for startups, they’re always one ‘innovative idea’ away adding ‘sell your kidneys on the black market’ to your job description.

—keeping a collection of basic OTC medicine on you will save your life one day. I recommend Advil, Imodium, and TUMS.

—those little single-use glasses cleaning wipes are 1000% worth the money

—overly self-depreciating jokes just make people uncomfortable, wean yourself off of them

—you can buy dehydrated mini marshmallows in bulk online and they’re a godsend for hot cocoa

—people don’t care if you have fidget toys on your desk they just want to play with them

—try to go to bed BEFORE the existential ennui kicks in

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if i had to explain what tumblr is like i’d only show this

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joe biden, you stupid fuck. listen to me. Crimes are legal for sitting presidents as long as they’re official actions. Listen: Joe. You have one chance

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