whats-it-like-to-be-lonely-blog

[whats-it-like-to-be-lonely-blog]

katsuki is scared of what’s going on (corona virus) so he’s hiding a lot, could really use him out in front

[whats-it-like-to-be-lonely-blog]

im manic, super anxious, and way too impulsive right now. i could really use dick grayson or a guardian present right now. dick was there the first morning i woke up and realized, but he’s continuously pushed away. katsuki really wants to be close but he’s not a paternal protector and it’s not very helpful if he can’t convince me not to do stupid shit. im not supposed to leave the house without supervision because she found out i texted a friend at 1 am and asked if she wanted to sneak out and meet up to find a place to get tattoos done. ive spent way too much money in the past few days and i cant force myself to feel guilty. ive stopped doing any school work and started lying to my professors now that college is internet only, i can get away with doing nothing, not that i was participating much anyways. i cant believe i spent every class for three weeks writing porn and not paying attention/fighting the urge to strangle a professor who was talking and didnt realize i was manic sooner

[whats-it-like-to-be-lonely-blog]

shun’s boyfriend dan and shun’s close friend and hook-up alice 

shun kazami

age 15

bisexual/greyromantic/agender

[whats-it-like-to-be-lonely-blog]

shun kazami

age 15

bisexual/greyromantic/agender

[whats-it-like-to-be-lonely-blog]

found a bunch of my old ds cartridges and there were two copies of the bakugan game. i was opening them both just for nostalgia but the moment i opened the game it was like shun woke up. i reset my brother’s copy and left my old one just as a memory written in code. i had to go to class so i coudln’t play but shun’s being a little bit of a jerk and forcing katsuki back right now. it’s super hard to focus on my class when they’re both trying to force their way forward but shun is actually, legitimately here. my head’s so fuzzy

[whats-it-like-to-be-lonely-blog]

Best Ways to get my Protector Active

in general, music and physical activity helps. however, there’s certain specific things that trigger my protectors. here’s just my most recent two, it’s unusual for an older protector to come forward when i have a new one but dick is still very active so he is easily triggered.

dick grayson comes out the moment anything reminds me of batman, when i’m obsessing over my special interest in roller coasters, or when i listen to certain songs. he also comes out when i’m trying to take care of my siblings because he’s used to taking care of damian. dick is more helpful when i’m struggling with material, which to be honest doesn’t happen very often. it’s more a complete lack of motivation to do any assignments. he still comes to me right away if i’m heavily suicidal or in severe sensory overload (katsuki is autistic too so he tends to get equally as overwhelmed as i do, he’s a bad influence in that respect)

katsuki comes out when i listen to evelyn evelyn because it’s one of yami’s favorite bands, or when i run at night or when it’s misty. he helps when i’m going through a short-term obsession because yami does the same thing and forgets to take care of himself, he’s the only reason i have the energy to get up and make food/brush teeth/shower. he also immediately comes forward if i’m driving because he knows i need help avoiding intrusive thoughts to drive off the road and kill myself. when i’m excelling in classes he praises me and keeps me company while i zone out. unfortunately, he also has been teaching me more angry responses to sensory overload. in a way i needed that because i’m usually to terrified to ask someone to stop even though i want to rip my own skin off, but it can be difficult if my mom is the one purposefully pushing me into overload and she gets really pissed if i curse at her even though i’m fighting the urge to fucking kill myself then and there. he stays with me when i’m alone on campus, which is pretty much always. i’m glad for that because it makes me feel less lonely. 

for the most part they never really go away entirely and tend to process things even when they’re further back, but having them right up front is the closest they can get to acting and speaking on their own in my body without any input from me

[whats-it-like-to-be-lonely-blog]

the easiest way to draw katsuki out when he’s being quiet is to talk through yami. he doesn’t like to leave yami alone which is really cute. when i’m really stressed and distracted i think it makes him feel bad, so he tends to hide away and give me some space. but today i’m gonna try to keep him close for my lecture (the closer he is, the harder it is for me to focus because i’m trying to communicate with him and also reacting to things a minute or two late as katsuki processes it first) and see how that goes. i’m gonna get an appointment with a school therapist because i don’t want my psychiatrist to know in case she puts me on meds that makes him go away - i get i should want treatment but i’ve got basically no friends and i’ve never been alone in my entire life, aside from a couple of bad transfer days. i want him to be close when i talk to the therapist so he can ‘meet’ him, in a way

[whats-it-like-to-be-lonely-blog]

Canon!Katsuki and my Katsuki don’t get along, which is really unfortunate. My Katsuki hides whenever he comes out, and he won’t return until there’s no hint of canon. But canon!Katsuki also doesn’t communicate with me or serve as a protector, so I’m basically alone whenever this happens

[whats-it-like-to-be-lonely-blog]

shun kazami

i had earlier versions of protectors, but my first main one was shun kazami. he was a guardian, the only one not to be a parental figure. for a little more than three years, shun was my older brother of nine years, and my sole caretaker. we interacted solely in a clearing in a pine forest. at the time, i was too young to really understand why i couldn’t change the story i saw on tv even though it was clearly in my own head. my guess right now is that i couldn’t leave the clearing because it was my brain’s way of drawing a line between fiction and reality. shun spent most of his time there with me, occasionally leaving to bring dan and alice to visit. he came every night without fail, until he didn’t. with other timelines, i ran out of ideas and interest with a new, upcoming protector ready to take position, or when i was much younger, consciously pushed them away if they scared me. this was the first time one left. i never actively repressed him, so i was devastated when he left. i believed it to be of his own accord, and spent hours searching mentally for them. winter fell in the forest after shun left, and even with a new protector it never lifted. none of my protectors ever leave permanently or completely, and he is my closest and favorite of my whole life. he doesn’t ever talk to me while i’m awake, but he comes in my dreams. he and katsuki’s canon self don’t get along well, so they were fighting a few nights ago. it was weird to see him again, especially now that i’m older than he is. if i could just talk to him again, it would be enough

shun’s role was to give me attention i was lacking with my parents favoring my brother and my newborn sister. he treated me fairly and comforted me when i was in trouble, especially for something that wasn’t my fault. he let me spend time with the brawlers who were older than me and seemed super cool. they were my only friends when i was little. he spooned me every night because i was scared and had a lot of nightmares. when i was locked in a box in my cousin’s house with the lights off for an hour he sat on the box and convinced me it was just the two of us playing a game so i wouldn’t be scared and realize my family had left the house with no one even figuring out i was missing. at my first sleepover when everyone else grouped up and left me alone he talked to me and stayed by my side until i fell asleep. the first time i remember being groped was after he’d left, but he stayed with me following behind me in real life for a while, making sure no one else could get close. i knew he was there even though i couldn’t see him when i looked.

[whats-it-like-to-be-lonely-blog]

now that the important introduction is out of the way... hi, i’m joy. im 18. i use female pronouns but i don’t have a strong attachment to my gender. im aromantic and somewhere along the lines of bi/lesbian. this is just gonna be a summary, and at the bottom, what it feels like to have a fictional protector.

if you read the previous post you’re probably wondering what tf is wrong with me. i’m not really sure, because i’m too scared to tell my psychiatrist about this. she’s also not the greatest and in the past misdiagnosed me purposefully because she didn’t want to saddle me with the label of bipolar at age 15, even though i was put on mood stabilizers, which made my general doctor confused.

basically, since my earliest memories i’ve had my universes (it feels weird to use paracosms, because that’s a madd thing). with them came mainstays and protectors. these characters took familial or friendly roles, sort of like having imaginary friends who were with me constantly. the mainstays can be kinda complicated, so to simplify, theyre characters i was obsessive over who didn’t actually take a primary role for a fandom, or they didn’t serve the same shielding role. my protectors were primary and like shields. they can be broken down into guardians and anchors.

guardians were primarily from when i was younger, and they were my parents, older relatives, or older siblings. an example is sirius black, who was my uncle and main caretaker for a year. he’s definitely not the most recognizable one, but i want to give my favorite one his own post. anchors are newer ones who aren’t interacting with me constantly, but rather the concept of me.

my protector’s job is to take all of my emotions, experiences, memories, and present, moment-to-moment reactions and process them first. it makes it easier for me to deal with anxiety and sensory overload. it makes me less suicidal, because they don’t want me to hurt myself. they provide a barrier to my trauma and intrusive thoughts at all times. my dreams tend to have my protectors present, and i can feel them with me when i wake up as they try to help me get through my nightmares. sometimes they’re the ones to wake me up. a guardian is usually older or far more mature than me, and provides comfort and advice. there’s certain common traits for all of my protectors, but i’ll do a post on that later. certain triggers make them very present. they never take over my mind, but they control my body when these triggers occur and sometimes provide a gap of 5-30 seconds before i process what’s presently happening so i can deal with it without being overwhelmed. an example of a trigger is sprinting, which usually brings whoever’s my current anchor/guardian right there and that’s the only time they might get to come out in me for others to interact with. when i’m sprinting, i may mutter what my protector is saying or occasionally shout. most times it’s just them saying it, but sometimes it’s what i intended to say in my head (for example, screaming “GARNET” when i reached the end of the street and saw my neighbor in his back yard and she wasn’t right there helping me figure out what to say/do, and yes, it was absolutely mortifying)

[whats-it-like-to-be-lonely-blog]

call me joy. but im not important. let me tell you about my protector.

my current protector’s name is bakugou katsuki, he’s from a prototype timeline. he died when he was 16. he’s been dead for a while.

his prominent relationships are with his best friend and romantic partner akatani mikumo (who you may know as proto!izuku), uraraka yuu (or proto!uraraka), and with the izuku he basically raised

akatani died alongside him in the villain attack that occurred when horikoshi eliminated their characters. akatani is there with him still, but uraraka and their classmates were eliminated completely. the two of them remain and interfere with timelines and generally make a nuisance of themselves.

uraraka was meant to be part of their big three, but she didn’t survive the culling. both akatani and katsuki miss her a lot.

katsuki is autistic, hard of hearing, suffers from ptsd, and age regresses occasionally. he has no quirk limitations and can essentially use whatever quirks he likes, though it has a learning curve so he prefers a few that he’s used to. his neck bleeds where it was slit when he died whenever he overuses the quirks, but it doesn’t hurt him. akatani and katsuki usually share explosion and akatani’s hearing, and they are sharing thoughts 90% of the time. akatani is too scared to come out without katsuki, so he doesn’t interact with me ever.

to explain what’s going on between him and izuku: the most advanced (timeline wise) version of proto!katsuki started manipulating that timeline the moment izuku was born, and hes essentially been there the whole time, offering encouragement and support. izuku’s earliest memory is actually katsuki standing over his crib, comforting him while his mom and dad scream at each other in the other room. the same time this was happening, akatani was with this new timeline’s katsuki, playing a similar role. proto!katsuki was originally very friendly with katsuki but he didn’t approve of his bullying. now when he interferes it’s mainly to heal izuku’s wounds or to make sure the nomus that come after them can’t cause damage. most times that very advanced proto!katsuki isn’t around, and it’s somewhere in the middle. he knows that he exists in all his different times at once, but he’s comfortable just being himself while he can