whatisinhismind

[whatisinhismind]

[whatisinhismind]

I'm scared.

I'm scared of being left alone again, I'm scared of another rejection, I'm scared about the future. I'm scared. And this emotion is holding me back from doing what I love. I am afraid of falling in love again because I know that it will be another unrequited love where I am just the one chasing and I am so sick of it anymore. Maybe this feeling caused by being love deprived? Asking for love from a certain person and worst, asking it from your father. When I turned eighteen I've been craving for love, attention, and affection from a man. And this longing led me to overthink that there's something wrong with me, that I am not worthy of the love that I am asking. Maybe because of my sexuality? Maybe because I'm gay? Maybe because I've been a horrible person and I deserve this? I don't know. I'm confused, I'm overthinking. I'm scared.

[whatisinhismind]

Legend of the first Bahaghari

By Anjiemar Cataluña

Back then, in a village where everything has no color, there's a young boy named Lumbahag, who brings joy to his community by singing.

One day, as bahag wandered the forest, he saw an unfamiliar face, a face that way too peculiar in his community. He saw a young man wearing colorful clothes, a colorful cape, and a crown that shines so luminous, he then found out that this man is a runaway King named Hari.

Lumbahag was too scared that everyone in the village might find Hari so he decided to keep Hari in a cabin near the forest. He fed and dressed Hari until they fell in love with each other.

Soon after, an elder discovered that Lumbahag was hiding the colorful man and they were living together, the elders took Hari as a threat and brought him to a dungeon, and separated him from Lumbahag.

Lumbahag decided to rescue Hari but he failed as an elder also caught him and imprisoned him in the dungeon with Hari.

Months later, without something to ease their hunger and to quench their thirst. Both of them became weak, the only thing that they had was their undying love for each other, but this love can't even make them survive.

Lumbahag and Hari vanished and everyone in the village we're in shock and confused.

After they vanished, the village experienced a strong rain and when the rain stopped they saw an unusual thing that hovered in the sky, and it was also colorful just like Hari.

They then named it Bahaghari, named after Lumbahag and Hari who loved each other until their last breath.

[whatisinhismind]

Dear Mama,

You know, I love you. I love you not just because you're my Mother but also, you're a human being. I hate you, I hate you for being so selfless that you tend to forget to take care of yourself because we are your number one priority. I am thankful, I am thankful that despite the fights with you I still have you when I need somebody to lean on. And I promise I will do my best, I will do everything just to give you the life that you truly deserves, not because it is my responsibility or obligation as your son but because you sacrificed too much and I want to give back everything to you. You sent me to my dream university and I can still remember how you went to the business offices just to ask for a promissory note for me to take the exam and I can't thank you enough. I may be still dependent at this age but I don't know what will I do if I lose you, I cannot afford to lose you. Mama, I may not be showy or expressive but I love you so much. I will make you proud.

Love, your son

MacMac

[whatisinhismind]

UNBELIEVABLE

One of the things that keeps me bothering is the concept of manifestation, I am so fascinated and invested to this. It is so amazing how we humans are connected to the universe itself. There was one time that i asked for something to happen and it literally happened! And all that i did was talking to myself, imagining the scenario in my head making it real. I talked to the universe asking it to help me, and the universe did! It is indeed, unbelievable.

[whatisinhismind]

Ngunit hindi pupwede , hindi tayo sinuswerte, mas mabuti oang maging sikreto, ang oag ibig nating delikado.. delikado, delikado, delikado.. sa atin nalang to atin nalang to, atin nalang to.

Si Adan ay para kay Eba, yan ang sabi nila.At si Florante ay para kay Laura

Si Sol ay para kay Luna

gusto nila ang ganyang konsepto pero ibahin mo ako.Sapagkat naniniwala akong si Juan ay para kay Pedro

Si Sidapa ay nararapat para kay Libulan

Si Hymen ay para kay Apollo, pero

Ito ay hindi katanggap tanggap,

Ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo ay kamalian

Ito ay isang malaking kasalanan

Patawarin mo ako

Sapagkat gusto kong sirain ang konsepto na nakatatak sa bato na hindi maaring magmahalan ang dalawang lalaki dahil ito ay isang kasalanan sa panginoon.

Delikado, mas mabuti pa ngang maging sikreto ang pag ibig nating hindi tanggap ng lipunan at baka magalit sa atin ang mundoKaya mas pinili nating magmahalan ng patago, nakaw na halik sa likod ng kurtina kung saan walang makakakita sa ating dalawa.

Sa likod ng kurtina na kung saan tayoy malayang gawin ang gusto natin, na walang makakahusga satin.

Nakakatawa, dahil pinagbabawalan tayo ng mga taong mapanghusga na maging masaya, nakakatakot dahil baka bukas ay ako’y lisanin mo na.

Akoy ay pinagbawalan na mahalin ka at ikaw ay bawal din na mahalin ako,

Ito ang mapait na katotohanang hindi makakapagpalaya sa ating dalawa at sanay mabago ko ang kosepto.

Gusto kong manatili sa ilusyon na ito, na kung saan ay malayang magmahalan tayo.

Masakit isipin na ang lapit mo ngunit nananatiling malayo, masakit tanggapin na hindi maaaring mapasayo ang taong gusto mo kaya mahal ko,

Bago pa tayong dalawa ay paghiwalayan ng tadhana..

Sana,

Sa huling pagkakataon ay hayaan mo akong mahalin ka sa parang gusto ko.

Sulatan ka ng tula hanggang sa tumigil sa pagdugo ang pluma

Kakantahan kita, hanggang sa mawalan ako ng boses at mapaos ang aking lalamunan yan nalang ang kaya kong gawin para sa iyo.

Sapagkat mahal, takot na akong sumugal.

At ang pag ibig kong ito ay delikado.

Delikado

Titik at larawan | Anjiemar Cataluña

[whatisinhismind]

I love; I hate;

I love everything that makes me happy. Sunset, moon, the sea, night walks, and city light, I love them. I also love the raindrops in my window when it rains. I love the color orange for it represents positivity and warmth. These are the things that I love.

I hate it when I'm talking and nobody is listening, this is one of my pet peeves. I hate 3 am, though it's silent and peaceful but because this is the time when my mind is racing and I am overthinking. I hate myself for being attached easily and I hate it when I fall easily.

[whatisinhismind]

I am; I am not;

I am Anjie, I am 21 years old and I just turned 21 last 9th of March. I am gay and I am proud! I am bubbly and energeic as my friends describe me. I am an alcoholic, I drink a lot but I am also low-tolerance when it comes to drinking. I am an Actor and Scriptwriter in the making! Yes, I am a future Scriptwriter and Actor in one!

I am not like other people who want to stay in their house the whole day, I am not an introvert. I am not smart, I admit it. I am not a good singer and a dancer. I am not a good painter and I am not good at drawing.

[whatisinhismind]

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

He can’t say it out loud, so he used pen and paper instead

Hey there, he is Anjiemar Cataluña. Living in this world for 2 decades and 1 year. Studying Communications at the University of St. LaSalle Bacolod and currently in his graduating year. Aside from overthinking every 3 am and making fake scenarios in his head he also loves to write poetry. Pen and paper are his friends, midnight is his favorite part of the day. He has unsent messages and scribbled sentences. Now being unfolded.

A.C <POV>

Have you seen how a butterfly grows? It starts as an egg, then turns into a caterpillar to the transition stage and becomes a pupa. Then, a colorful and beautiful butterfly form.

I see myself as a butterfly life cycle, from egg and now, a brave wandering butterfly.

As a caterpillar, this is the stage where I'm learning and exploring, learning new things, and starting to encounter the adventure of discovering myself. This stage awakened me and made me realize that I am different, that I am unique. At the age of four, my family found out and already aware that Macmac (which is me) is different from other boys because I preferred to play with girls and do girly things. I used to wear and try my older sister’s dress and heels, pretending that I'm a supermodel as I copy the poses they were doing on America's Next Top Model. My childhood was fun as I met a lot of friends who I got along with, but of course, we can't avoid people who ridicule and discriminate against me just because I am not behaving the way they expect me to behave.

The second stage is me being a pupa, isolating myself from other people because I don't want to be seen and I'm afraid to be discriminated against again. I only had me, my family, and my friends. I'm somehow thankful for having them but still, I am afraid to finally out and scream to the whole world who I am. This is also the stage where I experienced being battered by my Father, receiving whips, emotional and physical abuse, just because I can't fight back because I am young and vulnerable. This is my darkest time.

And finally, I learned how to accept the bittersweet reality for us. For I am now a grown butterfly, I am finally out! I can now scream and shout to the whole world who I am and what I am, the ridicule and discrimination don't affect me anymore. Now, I finally learn how to fight and speak up for myself and my rights as a human being. I gain a lot of friends as I grow, my bond with my family becomes stronger, I am now finally what my purpose is. That is to serve and to help those who are just like me, those who are still in the process of being a butterfly, those who are still in the metamorphosis.

At my age of 21, I am still learning, still exploring. I may not be the same Anjiemar or Macmac you know 10 years ago but I am still the same, just better, and still trying to be better.

I am now a butterfly, you may see me flying in the meadow or flying way up high, reaching the sun and my dreams. I may be flawed and imperfect, but hey! People still see my worth and the color I bring to them, and for that. I am thankful.

[whatisinhismind]

I remember; I don't remember;

I remember the first time I saw him, he caught my attention as our eyes met, he smiled at me and I smiled back. I remember how our first conversation went, we talked about random things - our hobbies, our dreams, our greatest fear. I feel comfortable with him during that time. He is so nice, I want to know him more.

I don't remember what we were talking about because the whole time I am just staring at his face, his eyes, his smile that is to die for. I don't remember anything about our topic, I'm starting to like him, because who wouldn't? He is heaven-sent that I couldn't ask for more. I don't remember what is my face looks like when he kissed me on my forehead as he said goodbye. Am I blushing? Do I look ugly? Did I turn red? I don't remember.

[whatisinhismind]

Offer your body.

This night is just for you and I.

Don’t be shy honey, take off that clothes I want you to be naked, not undressed.

Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle. Allow me to explore my hands to you, from the strands of your hair down to your thighs.

We will share each other’s body and we will feel each other’s warmth.

Scream!

I want you to say my name while you are shouting in pain and pleasure.

Don’t cover your mouth, bite your lips.

You can cry if you want, ill wipe your tears.

Put your lips next to mine, we will make love to each other till the sun shines.

Surrender your body and your soul and I’ll surrender to you mine.

And if you are already tired, rest here beside me, lay down in my lap.

Fornicate

Words and illustration | Anjiemar Cataluña