whatevenishome

[whatevenishome]

Is home a place?

[whatevenishome]

Sixteen

What is home? Sitting on my bed staring out the window I often think about this. I love my family but all I can think about is leaving, to another city far away. I cast my eyes to the little mountain that overlooks our town. Would I miss being here if I left? Is home even a place or is it a feeling? Like being with your family or friends? I think about what happened at the beach today, it was kind of crazy I won’t lie. Is that an experience unique to my home? Will I miss these crazy things if I leave? I mean for a second there I thought I was a goner for sure. Then I really would’ve missed my family.. or they would’ve missed me I guess. Jeez. But I sure have a silly little tale to tell now. I was with some friends from school, waterpolo friends specifically. No idea how I got in that crowd in the first place. In fact it was not feeling “in” with that crowd that got me into the whole mess.

We were at a little beach, one that mainly only us locals know about. The girls I were with were pretty chill, one girl Jenna, is my best friend. On the other hand though another girl Katie is super manipulative of me and I hate it, especially because the others can’t see it. We were walking along the shore, clear waves lapping at our ankles as the sun shone down and warmed the skin on our backs. Our conversation slowly turned to the topic of how we’d get back to the normal beach where our parents can pick us up.

Suddenly Livia, one of the more energetic girls in the group exclaimed, “Why don’t we just swim back?”

I was already hating where this was going, and the expression on my face must’ve said so.

“Wow why do you look so scared? Are you a pussy?” Katie practically spat in my face.

Some of the other girls shifted uncomfortably, classic peer pressure.

“I’m not, I just don’t know if that’s a good idea, it’s kinda deep out there and there might be a strong current or something” I tried to say as smoothly as possible back.

But there’s no room for negotiation with her, Katie’s already walking into the waves with the other girls in tow.

“C’mon it’ll be fine.” Jenna said to me.

We walked into the surf and I sighed, hating Katie for making us all do this. Our group gets to the point where our feet lift off the sea floor and we all seamlessly begin to water polo swim. And god was I thankful we were strong swimmers in that moment. We were going around the cove bend and beginning to see the other beach, right when a gloomy shape emerged from beneath us.

“Holy shit!” Livia screamed

“What! What is it?” Katie asked, a worried look on her face.

“Shark!” Jenna yelled.

“Swim swim swim!” I screamed back

I swear I never swam so hard in my life. We practically swam like Olympic swimmers trying to break a record. We got to the main beach, and heaved ourselves out of the surf.

Puffing as she spoke, Jenna said: “Guys.. I think it was just a cloud”

“God damnit Livia” I said between breaths.

Home sweet home, I think.

[whatevenishome]

Eighteen

What is home? I’m sitting on my college bed staring out the window to the brick dorms that face mine. I haven’t been home to my parents in about three months now. I always wanted to move out of home for University, but for some reason I thought it’d be a lot more fun. That longing feeling hasn’t gone away, and I still feel like I just want to up and leave. Maybe to a different country. It seems like a city isn’t enough that’s for sure. I definitely feel a sense of home with the new friends I’ve made here, it makes me hopeful for what the future holds. Tonight I’m meant to go out drinking with some friends from back in my home town. I’m really dreading it, I don’t like drinking that much, especially with these friends. Communication with them over social media has been a bit hazy though. My best friend Jessie can be a bit bitchy sometimes, a little bit manipulative too. My phone pings. I look down at it instantly.

Jessie sends through a text to me on the Facebook group chat: “Why are you always complaining, just stop being a little wimp and come out”

I reply: “Yeah I told you I’m coming I’m just not that keen, I haven’t seen you in ages why don’t we just go out for dinner or something”

Jessie replies super fast, saying: “You know what, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore. You just put your college friends before us now.”

My other friend Rochelle pipes in “Yeah I’m actually kind of sick of it, if you wanna be a good friend to us why don’t you just drive us out tonight”

My heart is beating out of my chest. They’re meant to be my friends, why are they being like this? Tears begin to stream down my face. I’ve always been sensitive. I take a deep breath and put my phone away. Maybe if I ignore them for an hour or two they’ll apologize.

4 hours go by.

I’ve been waiting for them to text back for what feels like a lifetime. Anxiety pumping through me. Suddenly my phone starts vibrating, Jessie’s calling me. I hesitate but pick up anyway.

“Hey you little shit, why’d you not come out tonight huh. You’re such a weakling, I don’t even know why we were still friends with you” Jessie slurs, clearly drunk.

“What the hell Jessie! I thought you guys would apologize for treating me like crap in the group chat earlier?” I respond through tears.

“You think we actually care? You’re so god damn dramatic. Why don’t you come out and hook up with a boy and make it all better huh. Or are you a little lesbian?”

“Go to hell!” I scream into the phone.

I hang up instantly and throw my phone across the room. It hits the carpet with a thud as I begin to sob. How did I end up with friends like this?

Is this my home sweet home ? Friends who don’t care about me?

[whatevenishome]

Twenty

I’m sitting on my bed, smiling and staring out the window in wonder. The city surrounded with mountains stares back. I finally feel like I’m where I’m meant to be. I miss my family, but we keep in contact. Today I’m going out hiking with my new friends, something I never would have dreamed I’d be doing. They even come to my house and pick me up. Who would have thought

. We drive up a rocky old logging road, filled with bumps and jolts. I’m with Bree and James, probably two of the best people I’ve met in my life. Even while sitting in the car with them listening to the Beatles is like an adventure. We finally get to the start of the hike, what looks a long forgotten carpark up in the mountains.

“We’re starting this hike a bit late eh?” I say as we begin to put on our jackets and backpacks.

“Yeah yeah, we’ll be right though” Bree assures me.

James says nothing, but I trust him enough to know he would’ve said something if this was a bad idea.

But then again.

We hit 9pm, it’s snowing. I didn’t bring gloves, James doesn’t have waterproof shoes, and me and Bree both don’t have a torch. It’s dark and we’re freezing, and just as we thought it couldn’t get any worse…

“Wait guys where’s the trail marker?” I ask a little nervously.

“Ummm we’re only like one kilometre from the cabin, it must be around here somewhere…” Bree mumbles.

James says nothing, but I assume he’s looking for the trail marker.

We stumble around in the dark for what feels like a lifetime. My hands are going numb and I’m getting increasingly concerned. We’ve been hopping over frozen logs and sticks in an attempt to find our way. I turn around to check on Bree and realize she’s got tears in her eyes.

“Hey what’s wrong? It’s ok we’ll get there soon enough don’t worry” I say.

“I just don’t wanna get rescued, but I can’t feel my god damn feet, I don’t think I can do this” she wails.

I turn and look for James, he’s on the other side of a little river.

“HEY, COME BACK OVER HERE” I yell with all my might.

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?” James yells back.

“COME. HERE. NOW!” I scream.

Finally we’re all together.

“Right,” I say “We‘ve got to be close, let’s just follow this river, trust me okay?”

We stumble down the river bed for a few more freezing minutes when suddenly, I see it. Bless this iPhone torch. It shines the light on the trail marker and we practically run to it with happiness.

That night, the three of us tell stories around the fire in the little cabin till 3am. We laugh, while our shoes and socks dry. When we finally fall asleep we all come close together for warmth, and I’ve gotta say, there’s no safer feeling than that.

Home sweet home, not a place, but a feeling.