whatamessmyfriend

[whatamessmyfriend]

That whole "a burden shared is a burden halved" is bullshit a burden shared is like aT LEAST burden tripled you've got original burden + now their burden + the burden of burdening another person

[whatamessmyfriend]

Gotta fucking schedule in my sob hour smh

[whatamessmyfriend]

Not to flex but the green in my eyes makes red puffy crying eyes so obvious it's really a pain

[whatamessmyfriend]

I think because I never properly cried that night and just really tried to stop myself as fast as possible I can just feel it at the back of my throat and behind my eyes and I need to cry so bad but I dont have time

[whatamessmyfriend]

Fuck man

[whatamessmyfriend]

,,,honestly might be smart to go to to the hospital after I graduate I'm like not at all doing ok and I dont know how much longer I can keep pretending I am

Not that I'm even doing a good job of that

[whatamessmyfriend]

Please god dont hospitalize me it'll make everything so much worse this is normal I'm used to it I won't do anything I'm just desperate to tell someone please dont call the cops this is why I never tell people

[whatamessmyfriend]

Boy really is drama hour over here huh

Also friendly reminder if you find this no you didn't leave me alone mind your own business dont keep reading

This cry for help isn't intended for you (person reading this)

[whatamessmyfriend]

Well except he kinda did, he understood a lot of it

Couldn't bring up everything we aren't close enough for that but some of the stuff we talked about gave me that glimmer of maybe he actually gets it too

But hes gone now

It's just us again which means it's just me

But I guess it was always just me

Been just me since the day I graduated 8th grade

Probably before

[whatamessmyfriend]

Blah blah blah emo teenager voice I'm the only one who gets it I'm the only one who understands how I'm feeling

[whatamessmyfriend]

And on top of that fucking SUCKS a therapist could theoretically get me institutionalized if I actually voiced any of that

The one situation I'm supposed to be allowed to talk about how I feel and I still need to be careful

[whatamessmyfriend]

Like I know thats now how it works but why can't they just forget about me

Every tall building I pass every sharp object I pick up every bottle of pills I hold

Idk there's a calm comfort in the planning and thinking

Feels so simple to imagine the steps so easy to finally be done

[whatamessmyfriend]

Idk maybe it would be easier to figure out how to get my friends and family to hate me

[whatamessmyfriend]

And god damn I'd love if this therapy office would actually call me back lmao I feel so broken and suicidal constantly it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed in the morning and remind myself how upset a handful of people would be if I did actually finally decide I can be done

[whatamessmyfriend]

Man I just want to feel attractive

It's rough bc like I can't really talk to anyone about it since all my friends are also her friends and the one that I do feel kinda ok talking to just makes me feel like shit bc "at least I have someone" which like I get where they are coming from but that doesn't change the fact I feel like shit all the time and I feel like I'm trapped and will never get anything my body wants or needs and missed out on all my highschool and collage years of experimenting and having fun firstly just waiting but now just sort of accepting it'll always be nothing

I just want to get fucked so bad

I want to be wanted

I want to feel good about myself again

I want someone, anyone to be into me

I get shes struggling too and I'm sure I have no idea what shes going through and how she feels but sometimes it feels like every time I try to open up about stuff I'm scared of taking about she proves me right for keeping my silence

[whatamessmyfriend]

Part of realizing the extent to which other people haven't had the same thoughts and feelings as me has lead me to just saying facts, tips and tricks I've learned as I think of them to anyone around like I'm some video game loading screen just incase they didn't know/hadn't thought of it

[whatamessmyfriend]

Stomp on my throat