whatactchmikey

[whatactchmikey]

Normal Horoscope:

Aries: Today you will fail a Turing test and it will change literally nothing about your life.

Taurus: The stars say today is a good day to engage in mitosis. Congrats on your new genetically identical clone!

Gemini: An important event in your life will be interrupted by the unexpected arrival of The Orb.

Cancer: Spice up your love life by introducing guerilla tactics.

Leo: You’ll need every ounce of your bravery and wit after a giant traps you in a little jar for some nefarious purpose.

Virgo: The first step towards hunting this witch will involve becoming goth.

Libra: The 90s are back. The 1790s. Get out that flintlock pistol.

Scorpio: Curry favor with the local corvid population by offering them a bite of your curry bun in exchange for their bird wisdom.

Ophiuchus: Gain the power of a manatee to become mostly entrails.

Sagittarius: Look sag I know you’re strong but if you try to fight that goat you’ll lose.

Capricorn: Contemplate your love life by sitting next to that glowing rock in the woods until you invent new colors.

Aquarius: Wearing a hawaiian shirt will make you invulnerable to dinosaurs this week.

Pisces: You’re a loose canon Pisces but you do good work. The department has decided to fire you for spiritual reasons.

[whatactchmikey]

Coconuts have only been in the Caribbean for 500 years. They just….floated on over from Asia and took root. That’s…hilarious.

[whatactchmikey]

an unfamiliar cat: (approaches me)

me, internally: this cat senses my inner worth

[whatactchmikey]

when you and your friend were supposed to perform together but you get into a fight because they gave you some gross pink chicken to eat and you were mad at them for almost giving you salmonella but you miss them a lot

[whatactchmikey]

how do you guys feel about my lock screen

[whatactchmikey]

[whatactchmikey]

frozen grape dipped in chilled water

[whatactchmikey]

Someone should tell Poseidon that his cat got out again.

[whatactchmikey]

Some of you did not spend your childhoods making potions out of random leaves and berries and twigs and just throwing them all in a tub of water and stirring it with a big stick you found and it shows.

[whatactchmikey]

Magnetic ball in magnetic putty

[whatactchmikey]

[whatactchmikey]

when you find an academic source that’s perfect for your paper but it’s behind a pay wall

[whatactchmikey]

Every morning we hop a little fence. Esper gets all jazzed about it, like we are doing something bad, so she shoots me this look like “OHHH MAN, we gonna get in soooo much trouble.” 

[whatactchmikey]

[whatactchmikey]

Implied correlation vs reality

[whatactchmikey]

scottish twitter strikes again

[whatactchmikey]