what-your-eyes-cant-see

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Sometimes I see movies or hear a song I wish I could share with my sister. Things I think she might like. Things we'd both like and could relate on. Maybe it's just me hoping. Id like to think we could relate on a lot of things. Maybe I'm wrong. After all I don't really know her. That part always feels sad, knowing I never really will. I like to believe in that feeling. The feeling I get. A strong feeling i can't quite explain. Certain things that make me feel closer to her. Those conversations I imagine we'd have. Songs Id show her that I feel like she would love the same way I do. I watch Perks of Being a Wallflower and it always reminds me of her. I really think she would love this movie. I think she would understand all the little things I notice. Feel them as deeply as i do. Tell her lyrics of songs I hold close and why they mean so much to me. Memories or people I attach to specific lyrics. I have yet to find anyone who looks at things the way i do. Maybe i do overthink all these things but the connectivity i feel in a song or movie is the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. I just get this strong feeling like you felt that way too. I like to think this isore than a hope because this feeling is the closest thing i have to being close to you. I hope its more than a feeling.

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“I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite.”

Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

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Im frusterated. I want to rant but there's not enough words. Or maybe I don't have the energy to write about it because I know it won't change anything just like saying it aloud won't change anything and there in the conflict lies. No spoken or written words can solve it, and in retrospect letting it sit and build don't do any good either. I hope this feeling passes.

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when la dispute said "nights afraid to die" i felt that shit

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Im up, well obviously, and frusterated. One because hanging out in a group means constantly being talked over, cut off, or being asked questions that no one really cares to know the answer. Like why ask if you don't care and I end up looking like an idiot when I answer to find I'm talking to myself. It always reaches a time in the night where any chance of a real conversation is dead. You might as well save your breath and hold it in because nobody really cares to talk about. But theres so many things I feel so deeply about or are so profound that I want to talk. It's not even there fault. Sometimes there's truly not enough words. Some things are too complex and too personal so that no matter how you explain it it doesn't do it justice to how you feel. And you have to consider and come to terms with the fact the people you attempt to pour you heart out to are also just as complex and have their own shit they're dealing with and trying to work out and I can't feel slighted or less cared because of that. It's just life. It's humbling and i guess thats good but i can't explain how lonely that truly feels.

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I want to focus on the good or at least i like to think i do. I get embarrassed after hanging with people and thinking of all the negativity i spewed. It's just so easy to get caught up in the negative and feed into it. I don't want to give that stuff as much energy I do. I wish it was easier to focus on the positive. Sometimes I worry that I will be stuck in the stereotypical sad poet lifestyle. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want that at some point in my life because I did. I spent so many years with that mindset. I spent my whole teenage life romanticizing my depression and finding my worth is my sorrow amd trauma. It's a hard habit to break but I atleast know now I don't want to live that way. Theres so much more beauty in life. There's so much more than summing up your entire being to all the sadness you carry. I used to think all I was was pain. That my importance lied in the tragedy I was dealt. There's more to me and this life and truly to all our lives than our trauma.

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You were right.

I wish I knew how to tell you that.

I wish there was a way to without breaking your breaking your heart.

I hope one day I can work up the courage to.

And I hope it won't be too late.

[what-your-eyes-cant-see]

Life is weird right now. Havent posted in a while. Wanted to post on Twitter but there's too many people I know in real life on there. For some reason I still worry about how people I haven't seen or talked to in years view me. Big dumb. And on that note I wish I could be one of those bad ass people that don't give a fuck, that are unapologetically themselves. Maybe that's you and it comes naturally so you don't relate. I don't know I imagine having balls to say what you feel or do what you feel comes effortlessly. Maybe I'm wrong but sometimes I meet someone and their boldness leaves me in awe. They dont worry about what people think of them or hold anything back so people will like them or to avoid confrontation. I envy that so much. I truly look up to these type of people. I wonder if it took effort or if they were just born that way. I wish I could be that way. I wish I could do, say, or post anything with out spending an unhealthy amount of time analyzing it and worrying about what people think. I think those people are born that way truly with a fire inside them that no one could contain or put out but sometimes I like to think that some of them had to work to be that way. That maybe they had to train themselves not to give a fuck. Maybe im wrong but those handful of people Ive met are the best examples of self love. I envy the way the can say whatever and not worry if they're stepping on anyones toes. I know some people just have it and i also know some people learned to be that way. I hope i can learn to be that way. I suppose this is a bit off topic but honestly does anyone read this shit anyway? It's weird. I really hope no one I know does read this but I still post. I dont know why. I guess I need some outlet for these thoughts and I know that deep down I hope their is an audience on another screen reading. I doubt it and like I said I would be mortified for friends or family to read my pointless on going sad ramblings that is my tumblr. I guess I just want an anonymous audience. I just want to know someone is listening. I just want to feel a little less alone. So yeah this was a pointless post but for whatever its worth I post this stuff to feel a moment of comfort. Whether its read or not its nice to get it out and feel less alone.

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I woke up and I felt sad. I slept in as long as I could even though I had responsibilities to take care of. When I'm sleeping it feels like if I don't wake up I don't exist or at least I can pretend I dont. I can prolong facing reality for a few more hours. When I woke my love was there. I couldn't make out any words for about ten minutes. Once I did the words were accompanied by waves of tears and hyperventilating. I told him I was a bad person and he naturally comforted me. He told me I'm not bad. He told me to learn from these feelings, that I have the chance to be better. I want to believe that so bad but I did it again. I made decisions that will upset me tomorrow and I will feel how when I woke today. What hurts me the most is not the damage I do to myself. It's the damage I do to others that kills me. It's the weight I put on them that they constantly carry. It's worry my parents feel when I leave without saying bye. The worry I may not come home. Its the silence they keep. The simple question of where I've been or what I've been up to and my simple response to mask what I've been up in hopes of easing their worry. Ive been watching scenes from euphoria. I'm a sucker for tv shows and movies that depict addiction. They hit home so much. There's this scene where the main character is fighting with her mom and it makes me tear up. But i dont really mind those emotions. Its weird but its the sad deep emotions i appreciate the most. I think thats the only the i really feel deeply. Maybe that's bad I can't really tell but i guess it's enough for me. Everything else feels so mundane. The only emotion I feel fully and deeply is sadness but there is beauty in listening or watching sad thing and feeling something. Relating to it and feeling deep emotions. There's this scene where the main character Rue says

"If I could be a different person, I promise you I would. Not because I want it, but because they do and there in lies the catch."

I rewatch those scenes over and over it almost feels like I'm watching scenes from my own life. Maybe none of this matter. Maybe its all words posted on a blog nobody will ever read. For whatever it's worth I feel every bad thing I've ever done. The weight my family carries I also carry too. The sorrys don't feel like enough anymore. They look like a mountain of apoligies that had good intention but held empty promises. This all feels dumb or like a pity party or words I posted that I'll regret later. I wish posting this would make these bad feelings go away but I know it won't. Change and doing better would but I guess the point of this seemingly endless rant is that I'm in at a point in life where I feel like I can't change. I could've done different today but I chose not to. Every day I have the chance to be better but I don't. At this point I feel like it's not up to me. I feel like Rue. I hurt knowing the hurt I cause my parents. The deepest pain I feel is knowing the pain I cause them. So if anything ever happens to me or things get real bad I hope they know I want to be better. When I steal, lie, or take advantage of them I hope they know it's not me. It's not the person I want to be. It's my addiction taking ahold of me. I know I should be better and I wish I could for them because they deserve that. I wish I believed in myself enough to be that person. I hope they see me for me and know I don't like the bad parts as much as they do. Like rue said if I could be a different person I would. I hope one day i can before it's too late. More than anything no matter how I turn out I I just hope my parents know I appreciated them and I wanted to better for them.

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I haven't written in so long it feels foriegn almost. I suppose that should feel sad. I'm not sure I fully feel things anymore. I mean I do but it's fleeting. It's there for a quick moment and then I go back to my reality which doesn't really feel like reality at all. This all feels so unreal most of the time. Like nothing I do matters or effects anything and the part of me that's still there knows that's not true. That my actions have real consequences. That this life is real and these moments mean something. Theres a small part of me still here that believes I can make something of this seemingly meaningless life. Theres a part of me that asks what will you do with your one precious wild life. Theres a part of me that thinks I will make it to venice. I wish that part was stronger than the rest of me. The rest of me feels like a robot. I work I hangout, and I make sure those around me are good and always before myself. I yearn for the day I live for myself but i also fear i wont even know what to do. I fear I won't know how to make a decision without someone guiding me what to do. Maybe I should be alone. Maybe its true that I can be good for anyone if I'm not good for me. I constantly feel indecisive. I guess I never pictured myself making it this far so now that I'm here i dont know what to do. It's almost surreal that I'm here and i exist. Maybe that's why I always need to care for people. Idk if I'm distracting myself from taking care of me or if I'm looking for someone to coddle me through this life thing. I wish I could be one of those people that just knows what they want and what to do. I think that's why I'm constantly taking care of people. I dont know how to take care of me but I know how to care of the people I love. I know how to make them smile. Maybe that's why I devote myself to it. I feel good making people happy. I feel like a person. I feel like what I do matters in that moment. Idk I guess this is a long way of saying I should start writing again. I want to document my life. I want to write it all down. I regret when I dont like I'm missing little memories that I would remember unless I came across that page in a book that sat on a shelf for years until I felt nostalgic. So many memories of me that live in others minds and not mine. Theres a certain level of intimacy in that. Someone somewhere has a memory of you that is insignificant to you probably something you forgot that lives forever in their mind and you may never know. I guess I just want to write in case idk i guess it's a good outlet none the less.

[what-your-eyes-cant-see]

Part of me wants to be upset with you

I never got closure. I don't get an apology from you. You hurt my feelings so much and you are always expecting sorrys from me for things that happened months ago things I already apologized for and worked towards fixing but all you could ever see was the bad, never the good things I said about you guys, or when I told you guys I appreaciate you. I would walk around the planet for you guys and it was never enough. It pains me to think it all was a lie. I still miss you dearly sometimes I wish I could crawl back in your arms but the you that cared and rocked me back and forth and kissed me on the forehead. That you is gone and I'm still mourning. I can't help but think maybe things would have been different if we didnt choose to live such a fast life. I wish you still loved me the way I can't help but still love you. I'm feel bad I made it all so public. Hurt people hurt people. I just want you to take accountability for once that maybe you hurt me and gaslighted me. Maybe just maybe you would change. I still hope the best for you and I miss you. I hope one day you get out of this bad spot you're in. I hope one day you have a clear head and smile on your face even if you don't hope the same for me.

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"She had taken what I once needed to feel I could be something and I spent so long being bitter but now I'm finally celebrating. Thanking god for the brief moments where my eyes met hers and she was caught in a life that felt like one rapid blur the spur of the moment cure for her boredom and my lack of adventure."

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I wanted to clean my house one last time. Days like this are always tough. Those moments you know that will be your last time maybe in that place or with those people. As I pack the memories just flood in like crashing waves running down my cheek. I'm ending anothrt chapter in life, so unsure for what life will offer next and you have no choice but to jump cause that's how life goes. It uncertain and doesn't stop for anybody and god how it goes fast. I know it sounds sad and believe me there is sadness here but maybe it's not all bad. I can't help but cry at the beauty of it all. What it took to make a house into a home, to fight, to love, to cry with eachother. To open yourself up and be vulnerable. To make unforgettable memories you just want to hold on to so tight and never let go. I'm not fond of change but I'm trying to be present here. I'm grateful for it all. The people, places, experiences, and lessons I've learned. I cant help but fall in love with the way life bends me and pushes me and even breaks me sometimes and I always find im reborn again. Here's to the ending of a beautiful magnificent chapter and here's to continuing on to a new chapter in this journey we call life.

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Silver Linings Playbook (2012) dir. David O. Russell

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Some days I want to. Some days I hope my lifestyle just takes me out.

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lil peep x lil tracy // witchblades (x)