wenchesaintshit - Tumblr blog

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Tomorrow I'll be in my third trimester and I just took a bump pic for the first time 😅 took me forever to realize you were hiding under my boobs 😂 I also felt you kick my hand from the outside tonight 💕 I doubt you'll ever know how much you mean to me and how deeply I already love you 💖

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All I want is for you to be okay and to know how fucking loved you are 💕 you are irreplaceable to me my little dexy plex 🥺 10 years isn't enough but forever wouldn't be either

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I cannot wait to be your mom 💕

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㋡🥀

Amazing view..

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Follow @important-animal-images​​ for more important animals

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My favorite people's anniversary ❤️

Happy 4th wedding anniversary, Tommy

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God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be

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Reading this book and it makes me think of my brother and how much he struggled and how much I wished I could fix him so that he would be the same person who was my absolute best friend growing up. He didn't need fixed, he just needed to be loved and I wish every God damn day that loving him would bring him back. But if love could bring him back, he'd be home by now.

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I really wish I didn’t have to talk about my brother is the past tense. Ugh.

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bubbl 🫧

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This time last year I was on a leave from work, doing a partially hospitalized program because my mental health was so bad I couldn't go to work without wanting to die. I spent over a month learning coping skills and using art therapy to crawl out of those mental trenches. Now here I am a year later and lately I've felt so down I thought I may need a full blown grippy sock vacation, but today I am on top of the world. I just got hired to take care of plants all day and honestly it's my fucking dream job. I am so proud for fighting tooth and nail to get to a place where I am finally excited to go to work. I'm so excited to see where this opportunity takes me 🥰

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Its funny the way we forget pain when we're not completely encased in it. The way some distance makes the edges of a knife seem a little duller than they were when they made those deep cuts. The way your scars swallow the story and everything just fades in your mind. But I guess when you stop to think of it, its not funny at all.

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Sanober Khan, A Thousand Flamingos

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On October 6th, 2021 my sister shot herself and I feel like I've been picking up the pieces ever since. She's alive, thank goodness because I couldn't do that shit again, but this has come with a whole new set of problems. She's had 3 surgeries just to save her life and will probably face a plethora of health conditions in the future due to losing organs and pieces of organs in the process. I've spent a huge chunk of my time by her hospital bed even when she's been yelling at me, which hopefully was just the pain and the meds. To say I'm exhausted would be an understatement. I've had chronic fatigue since I was 13 so I know what being tired feels like and this is something else. I am exhausted to my core. I can feel myself breaking down mentally and physically. Everyday I wake up and just keep dealing with all of this, I am honestly shocked. My other family wants nothing to do with it so the full responsibility is shouldered by my husband and I, on top of working full time jobs and trying to do things we need to for our own lives in the process. So its just me watching her in pain while she makes hushed comments about how she wishes it would have worked and just knowing that she'd be totally okay putting us through that again. But then again, I know the feeling. If my medication didn't make me so numb I'd be 6 feet in the ground myself. People are great at telling you to put yourself first without understanding that I don't have that as an option. I lost that choice when I was 2 weeks shy of not talking to my brother when he died because I tried to distance myself from his toxic behaviors. Everyone comes before me because I literally have PTSD from my brother's suicide that I'm terrified that if I distance myself from people so that I can heal, they'll die and I'll have to live with the fact that I wasn't there for them. And everyone offers their "help" if I ever need anything but I think they do so for appearances because they know realistically there's nothing they can take off my plate. And the best part is those meds that are keeping me from following suit are also blocking me from expressing any real emotions so I just feel like I'm going to cry at all times. Just drowning in my own thoughts and tears that have no escape. My brain feels like a fucking prison and I have a life sentence. I don't know what I did to deserve all this but I just want some peace 😔

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Sometimes the only way I can tell if I’m hurting is if I start getting grumpy. Like when someone asks me to twist around in my chair to look at something and I immediately get pissed off, it’s usually a good sign that I’m not actually managing my pain all that well...

When you’re in pain all the time it can be weirdly easy to forget that it’s even a factor. You have to look for symptoms of pain that aren’t pain, like brain fog, or exhaustion, or irritation.