well-here-goes

[well-here-goes]

How am I supposed to succeed at life when on most days my best is getting out of bed. I have no energy to work towards anything. Showing up is my best sadly. But how do you explain that to people.

[well-here-goes]

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

[well-here-goes]

10/31/19

Hello Void its been a while. I think I’m depressed! I dont care about anything anymore, i have zero motivation for anything school related. I think im shoving my emotions down and ignoring them instead of feeling them which is fun. I havent cried in a long time either even though i probably need to. :(

[well-here-goes]

1/20/19

I have gained so much weight in the past few weeks its disgusting. And it feels so shitty. I need to exercise in some way. I also have constant headaches and it hurts to breathe when I breathe deeply sometimes. I think im dying so thats cool. I also miss making art every day. I miss being excited to do things. All of my friends are back at school and I have to survive a week without anyone I like seeing. 

But on a positive note, I came out to my brother and I feel infinitely more comfortable about my sexuality. I’m pretty happy about that

[well-here-goes]

Some tips for finding yourself again, love from the sad ghost club <3

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[well-here-goes]

12/01/18

Hello void I am sad. I am currently wrapped in a towel that just came out of the dryer so I can feel warm. I miss my best friends from home. I miss being skinny. I miss warm weather. I miss going out and doing things with people. I spend all day inside in pajamas alone in bed because I have no will to do anything productive. I feel like I don’t have anyone here anymore. 

[well-here-goes]

11/30/18 part 2

I’m also going through an “i feel ugly” phase and i feel like im backsliding like 2 years of work that it took for me to become even slightly confident. I wanna do something dramatic to my hair or get another tattoo ugh i need to feel good about myself again.

[well-here-goes]

11/30/18

Hello void I am annoyed at everything right now. My roommate is crunching loud and laughing at her computer but is not wearing headphones. She also smells TERRIBLE. I just got my period and i have cramps. It’s too cold in this room. I have a fuck load of homework to do and absolutely no ability to focus right now. i feel extremely guilty for not doing work and its stressing me out. My head is probably fucking decomposing from the inside out and I still have not seen a doctor. I’m craving chocolate even though I just ate and I can’t stop fucking eating. I think I might be a little depressed. I need my own god damn room. I just want this semester to be over. 

[well-here-goes]

11/11/18

I am lonely and bored and I feel like I should be doing something. But I can’t bring myself to do anything. I just need a job related to stage management, maybe that will make me feel better.