welcometoourshitshow - Tumblr blog

[welcometoourshitshow]

Brennon 06/09/21 3:19 am

You make me feel so many things and I don’t know if I could discern any of them. When you played rainbow kitten surprise and kissed me with everything you had, it changed me a little. When you showed me how to slow down, and that sex doesn’t have to be rushed through, you changed me a little more. I genuinely felt capable of a casual relationship with you. I’ve been in casual relationships before, and its never been a problem. Sex is something I use to cope, to feel better, and if I can do that without all the pressure of a relationship, that’s optimal. There was a problem with that from the start though. Boundaries are what makes good casual relationships last. The boundaries that are defined and respected over and over again. You blurred the line that very night. You held my face in your hands after we had sex, and you pulled me as close as I could get as we fell asleep. The next morning you sang me Hozier songs, made me breakfast and a hot cup of tea. You spent the coming weeks taking me out to eat, introducing me to your family and having sex with me almost daily. I keep a toothbrush at your house. All this while constantly telling me you’re far too old for me, that we wouldn’t work because of the age difference. You blurred the line so much it’s hard to even see anymore. Now its your birthday, well, technically I guess. You’re out at a nightclub with Michael and I’m sitting  at home hoping you don’t find someone a little older. I don’t want to make myself small again. I refuse. I hope that you don’t expect me to. 

[welcometoourshitshow]

A synopsis. 11/20/20-05/14/21

Oh tumblr. You’ve missed so much. I only write on here when I am completely desolate and alone, when I feel the weight of the world on me and all my feelings are seeping through my pores. You never see the months of good memories or time well spent. You miss out on full blown relationships. Lets catch you up. I moved in with Ally, started dating a guy I was involved with in high school (Dylan), got a job at amazon, and started my medicine again. I quit my medicine, and my job, because lets face it, I eventually quit everything. Ally kicked me out, I moved in with dylan after only dating for 2 months, I quit ally too. I spent the next 5 months pouring everything I had into dylan. Doing anything I could to make him happy, or proud of me. All I wanted was this person that I loved to be safe and happy. I guess I was too worried about his happiness to notice all of the red flags. The drugs, the depression, the gaslighting. I ignored it all because by this point, I had already made myself so much smaller for him. Small enough to fit both of our lives on a twin size mattress. Our feelings, goals, dreams, flaws, all became so intertwined just to fit in the available space. When I finally broke up with him and moved back home I felt entirely new. Like this weight had been lifted. I no longer had to put someone else’s needs above my own, or explain myself to anyone. I moved back home. I cried for 2 days, celebrated for two weeks, and then somehow found myself back in this same position. I was so happy to be alone, and when Brennon looked at me and said “You’re smart and beautiful and funny, and I’ll never be able to give you a relationship, don’t settle for me” I was already hooked. I didn’t want a relationship either. I wasn’t ready for that after dylan. I was still emotionally devastated. Getting validation and sex from an older man with no strings sounded perfect at the time. 

[welcometoourshitshow]

An open letter to all of my obsessions.

I loved all of you so deeply. Its just part of my personality to have some sort of obsession, and usually its people. All of you are important to me in some way or another. I can mark time periods of my life based on the boys and girls that never liked me back. What you probably don’t know is that, no matter how much you ignored me or didn’t reciprocate the feelings, it didn’t hurt me. I picked you all because I knew you wouldn’t care about me. I’m so afraid of feeling anything real that I handpick people who are married, gay, emotionally distant, or for literally any reason unattainable. Yes, I might wander around for a few months whining and crying about how no one will give me the time of day, but really it's just so that I have something to talk about. I don’t mean to seem cold. I really did have feelings for some of you; Vinson, Will, Caden, but really it was just because I enjoyed being around you. You might have been funny, or attractive, or have a good taste in music. I will always look past all of the bad qualities someone might have in light of the one good thing I see. Will can fuck me and leave 100 times, but I’ll still be here if he needs me. Its the same way for any of you. No matter how manipulative, misogynistic, and aloof you might’ve been. I will always have your back. 

[welcometoourshitshow]

22:01 3/20/2020

There has been so much happening lately that I just can’t wrap my head around. Sometimes it feels as though I’m in this never-ending cycle of healthy and unhealthy. I go manic for months and quit my job, sign a lease, shave my head, get a tattoo, get nipple piercings, find a new job, alienate all my fucking friends. It feels like all I’m capable of is pushing people away. Ally and I all but completely stopped talking, I became really good friends with Molli and Kelsie, moved in with them and then ruined that friendship. Me and Will never do anything but fuck. We talk about how much we hate ourselves, have sex to forget it for a few minutes, and then go our separate ways. I think about Vinson constantly but I’m so afraid that I will hurt him again. I always think I miss him, when in reality I’m just lonely, and I would be tired of him before the relationship even started. Sometimes I wish I was Delilah. Living a thousand miles away, able to talk to you when I was lonely, and have you just close enough to feel loved, but far away enough that i can still listen to your songs without feeling suffocated. 

[welcometoourshitshow]

Religion

A new years resolution made at 11:59 pm on Dec. 31st. A new-found excitement about the weight you’re supposedly going to lose. “It will be different this year.” The first week of January is filled with meal prep, hours at the gym and selfies all over Instagram. After two weeks you’ve had a couple slip-ups. A few late-night binges. Late night brownies, ice cream, cookie dough and literally anything you could find in your fridge. After a month has passed, the dream is dead. Your fridge is fully stocked with junk food, the Instagram posts have all been deleted and you all of a sudden can’t make time in your “So busy” schedule for the gym. 

A last minute plan to go to church for the first time in months.  A new-found excitement about God and the new life you’re going to lead. “It will be different this time” The next week is filled with church meetings, youth groups, a recently downloaded bible app, and a plan for the months to come. After two weeks you’ve missed a Sunday morning. You were busy! They’ll forgive you for missing just one. You have stopped reading on your bible app, but its still on your phone so its not like you’ve given up. After a month has passed you’ve missed church more times than you’ve attended. You deleted the bible app to make storage on your phone. Your plan has all but dissipated, and you all of a sudden can’t make time in your “So busy” schedule for God. 

Am I the only one who is in this heartbreaking cycle with religion? Am I the only one who continuously finds myself falling in and out of the lifestyle I want to lead? Can a half-assed attempt at religion make up for a lifetime of bad decisions, and bad habits? Can a need for validation and love from God make up for the fundamental part of me that still wonders if he’s real? 

God is my acquaintance. He is someone that comes up in conversations, someone I might run into when I’m in my hometown. Someone who I hear great and also awful things about. Does he love me or does he hate me? God is someone who is friends with the people I’m friends with. When they bring him up I just nod and smile and act like I know him too. The truth is me and God have never met. We might’ve been in the same place, at the same time, but we’ve never spoken. Every time I reach out I feel as though I can’t quite reach him. LIke he would’ve answered the phone, but right as it rang he ran through a dead zone. Like I keep messing up the address on the letters I write to him. Like whenever we’re in the same place, he leaves just before I get a chance to speak. 

I want it to be different this time. 

[welcometoourshitshow]

I slept for 4 hours today after convincing myself that i was going to work on school stuff. Also I sometimes feel as though I’m only desperate for love and attention bc of human nature. Like everyone has the primal need to meet another person and pair off. Its just what you do, especially when you’re in college. At the same time, I say that I want a relationship but literally the only time I’m ever interested in anyone is when I know they won’t be interested in me. Like when they’re in a relationship or gay or when they explicitly say they don’t want a relationship. So, like, wtf is wrong w/ me? jw

-D

[welcometoourshitshow]

I have $6 in my Bank account

Went to Walmart today and spent all my damn money on groceries. Also, college is so overwhelming. Literally, everywhere I go there is all these pretty ppl and it's so frustrating 

-D

[welcometoourshitshow]

Just got back from my spectrum meeting (The gay ppl club) and there was a pastor there talking about how god loves us and I was lowkey crying and Idek why. Also I’m still listening to Wills sex playlist so pray 4 me

-D

[welcometoourshitshow]

mmm, really quick before i go kill myself ((aka go to class)) this song is bomb and it healed me from d literally breaking my heart but that’s TEA ill spill later -a

[welcometoourshitshow]

i’m confused

My life is a downward spiral of confusion and heartache :-) tehe here’s a juicy question my sister is dating an actual fucking crackhead and everything about him sucks. he sells drugs/ does them in the same house my sister and her 3-month-old baby live in. so the question is,, should we rat him out to the police?? ((while she is gone so she doesn't go down for his mistakes)) sister has so much potential to do great things and he is holding her ass back. she cannot do anything without his permission :-( but she is also a grown ass woman so idk I'm conflicted thx for tuning into my ted talk i’ll be back l8r <3 -a

[welcometoourshitshow]

Emotionally Immature?

I do this thing where I get super invested in people super quickly. When those people actually like me back and treat me decently I all of a sudden become completely uninterested. I recently started my freshman year @ college so I’ve been meeting lots of people. I started talking to this guy named Sam, we went on a date and it went really well. He was super nice and funny, but I keep blowing him off and I don’t know why. I dread talking to him. On the other hand, I know this guy named Dylan who completely disregarded me for a super long time and was honestly really rude to me, but I am STILL talking to him! Why do I do this to myself? The guy that I’m actually currently obsessed with’s name is Will. He graduated college already, but he’s volunteering on a campaign with me. We drove around for hours the other day. I think the only reason I’m interested in him is that of his music taste. I’m a WHORE for a guy with good music taste that can make me laugh. Hopefully, this isn’t super rambly and disgusting. 

-D