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“you’re here too”: obligatory anime beach episode (and then nothing bad happened. nope. nothing.)

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Saint Seiya Tenkai-hen Josō ~Overture~

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✦ Prompt : Modern AU with a mix of school & sport AU 📚⚾

@shisakuweek | Day 2

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Seishun no Hekireki ⚤ 青春の霹靂

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the priestress and the magician✨✨

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I’m so lonely. I want to love again but how？I’m scared that no one will truly accept me and will just hurt me again.

It’s really disappointing. It’s one of those days.

Maybe tomorrow, I’ll be able to pull myself up again and love me more so I can fill this void inside me.

It’s maddening but it’s the sad reality.

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I am just glad that anime, manga and romantic novel books existed.

I never really thought of myself being like this. I thought I would always be outgoing and be out in the world little did I know I would shut the world out just to have this peace in my life.

I think it’s one of the reason why now my taste of men is out of the world. Lol but at least my heart is safe. Yeah?

Okey! It’s time for bubble tea!!!

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I’m quite confused on how I truly feel.

I know I am grateful but I can’t really say that I am perfectly okey.

I’m happy yes but it feels like there is something that’s missing in my life.

I think to be honest, I miss being in love but I don’t want to love the way I used to love.. this time I want it to be fair.

I’m in complete lost because I am scared to even be in a relationship considering that I have children. I’m not too old but it’s just that I don’t want my kids to feel that I don’t love them. They are my world and nobody can top that.

At the same time, I want someone.. no I need someone to treat me with respect and my children. To love me for who I really am and accept me and my children.

It’s really hard to be a single mom because you don’t only think about this but you have to be very careful on who I spend my time with.

Is there a man for me? A real man? I doubt it.. I think he got strike by lighting or already 6 feet under. My fragile heart is not for anyone to have.

I guess it’ll just be this way besides, my kids need me and I can only be relying on myself.

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Hi everyone! I am going to be strong this time and try my best to at least be part of the community. Not personally but at least to the world that I feel comfortable with.

This is really hard for me since I wasn’t really like this an introvert or avoiding people though I have felt this way ever since I was a kid.

Like I don’t belong or more precisely I need to act nice, follow the rules so I can make friends or get praise by my parents.

It was tough.

So this past year I had to make huge changes for my life and I think it is really pulling out my real personality.

I can say that I used to be out going. I liked partying because it made me feel like even if I was surrounded by many people nobody really knows me and I can just dance my anxiety away unfortunately I can be like this anymore since I got kids now.

Being a parent really put me in a pickle. I love my kids so much and I don’t blame them or anything. This. Whatever is going on with myself is my problem not theirs.

I have my own personal issues that I have difficulties to overcome.

If I would go back to when I was I child, I would say to her to just be herself, stop thinking about what other people say about me because in the end, I am the only person is going to be helping me to be happy.

As a child, I think I had/have two personalities.

One that’s mean, straightforward and don’t give a damn. Hates being in the spotlight and of course hates people around me.

The other one is the people pleaser, who is loud but scared to fail. Sometimes pretends to be someone that I am not. The push over, the yes I’ll do it person.

Yes that’s me. Every time I show kindness and being nice to people around me most of the time my inner me is talking back and sometimes I want her to just get out and be free, I wish I did so I won’t get hurt like I am right now.

When I was a child I hated it when people say I was rude, not nice, disrespectful and disappointed at me. I fear people saying those words at me that’s why I tried so hard to please everyone even though I know I don’t like them.

I think the reason behind this two personalities was also because of that incident. The part of my childhood was destroyed my the horrible people.

I was so scared that if someone ever found out what really happened to me, I’ll get scolded and ridiculed.

I still remember everything they did to me. Taking advantage of my innocent childhood. I blame my parents at some point because they were naive to trust to much our relatives, to let them be around me.

It was horrible growing up. Thinking that I am not pure like the other young girls. Like I was a trash and worthless.

Having nightmares and regrets for what I let them do to me. It was very sad and scary.

I wish I had someone to run to about it, I think that is why I am relief that I don’t have any daughters because I don’t want them to experience what I felt but of course this doesn’t happen to just girls, so I am worried about my boys that what if someone takes advantage of their innocent souls and destroy them like I am.

Anyway, my thoughts is going everywhere and it’s not really what I wanted to blog out but it does help me feel better.

So back to my current situation right now. I moved to another state a year ago and it’s really hard for me. I feel like I never made real friends since I got here.

I don’t know if it’s just because I withdraw myself from the society and decided to just live my life alone or is it more?

I feel alone yet not lonely. I like my own company and the time I have for myself. I love reading my mangas, novels and watching animé but sometimes it get so toxic to the point I feel like I don’t have a life.

It’s depressing. If it weren’t for my job or the bills that I worry about my life will be soulless. If it wasn’t for my children I won’t have any purpose in life.

It sucks because being a single mother is really hard. Yes. I am a single mom of two lovely boys. I left my husband because it was toxic and I will definitely not be here typing this blog if I was still with him. Id be much more worst. That’s another blog for me to share.

But as days goes by being by myself sometimes it’s just really hard than usual. Even when everything is fine.

I am running out of words but I feel a little better.