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One thing I like to do to derail unproductive social whining is to loudly announce that my butt hurts. This is a tactic I primarily employ at family functions but is also delightful while in close proximity to people being mean to retail and service workers

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people often think i'm doing it for the bit but unfortunately i Am the type of guy who just says shit like "pray tell" and "indeed" and "naught but the human heart can hope to capture the moon's beauty" (that was actually about my shitty phone camera) and nobody really knows what to do when they hear those words come out of my mouth. myself included.

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Friends:  Do some D&D art! Me:  Like this? 

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i have made like 57 reddit throwaway accounts in my life because my only use for reddit is to login once a year to pose niche questions to a sub i assume is compromised of mostly autistic dads desperate to impart their knowledge upon anyone who will listen. when i got my first fisheries job the equipment list my boss sent me just said “knife.” i emailed back asking what kind of knife and he replied “any knife.” i got on reddit and went to some sub about fish and i said “i got a hatchery job in alaska. what knife do i need for multipurpose use. a knife that does it all.” one guy responded in ten minutes breaking down everything about knives & salmon work. gave me a better idea of my job than the interview did. then he recommended a single knife and like twenty other people replied after him “this is the correct knife. no notes.”

bought it. pretty good knife, no notes.

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why does my mother suddenly fail kindergarten whenever she tries to do anything on the computer

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i literally love when people realize positive reinforcement works like yes its so silly isnt it. but it literally works humans love juice reward too

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This is so accurate

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sherlock holmes deduces you are trans before you've figured it out yourself and refers to you with those pronouns and then when you look confused is like "ah...had you not arrived at that conclusion yet?" and wafts away in his dressing gown to smoke seventeen pipes, leaving you in a gender crisis

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Reminder to self:

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If you were a card, I'd pick you.

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you know what. I'll take it.

@serenfire @revna-writes

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Gem: How did you and Lizzie get engaged?

Joel: We went out to dinner and on the way back I said "Honestly I thought you were gonna propose tonight"

Joel: And Lizzie said "No way, I thought you were gonna propose tonight!"

Joel: And that's how we got engaged

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I would have loved to see how heroes of olympus would have gone if jason and piper just broke up in TLH. Bc like, dating someone who you don't know based on fake memories just seems like a baseless relationship.

And seeing jason and piper coming to realize that it would be better if they were just friends would be so nice!! It would give them a chance to really get to know each other without the pressure of romance!!

Plus, maybe leo wouldn't feel so left out, with both of his friends back on the same playing field as him.

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I’m the neighbors cat who mysteriously disappeared in the alps. AMA.

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our bby at the superbowl | alefvernonart

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sorry i hope it is not too shocking and unforgivable that i want him bleeding and dying on it