watercoconutter

[watercoconutter]

Oh no ho, we go a no co co wattaaaaaa

I don't know wtf that was. Sorry.

This coconut water is REBELLIOUS. Look at the innuendo on the front there. Rebellious!!! The most rebellious thing about this coconut water is that it's PINK. Yes! Like wtf. Apparently this is "because of the naturally occurring polyphenols inside". It's right there on the bottle. Why these don't occur in other coconuts is confusing to me. Maybe it's because these ones are from the Philippines (one L and two Ps people*) and maybe nobody else uses Filipino (with an F* and one P***) coconuts. But ARE THEY THE BEST NUTS?? I ask myself this often (I mean, I write semi-infrequently about coconut water to literally nobody on the internet), as I'm sure you do (you're just a dirty fucker). I'm not sure. It wasn't baaaad coconut water, but it was just, like... Ok. It's ok. It's pink ok. Organic rebellious pink ok. I'd like it a bit sweeter and a little less chewy (wine people use this phrase, and I like it), and a bit more refreshing like a good Marlborough NZ Sav Blanc. There are better nuts. I've nibbled on a few. I've drank from a few.

But anyway I really like this CW because on the back of the bottle it says I'm one of a kind (it's right there on the back of the bottle) so yeah, and I needed that right now, OK?

Would recommend, but not above certain other alternatives.

* I kept on spelling it wrong, thank mother for spell check

** I did know this but still wtf

*** really wtf you insist on two in the state name but one in the demonym? U so mean

Oh btw can you see the symmetry in that photo? I tried v hard and given I'm on a shaky train that wasn't so easy. Wes Anderson would be proud. I'd like Wes Anderson to be proud of me. I like Wes Anderson.

CIAO

[watercoconutter]

Vita CoCohhh no she di'n't!!! Coconut bits? How very dare you!!! You would but sully such purity with your impure thots??? Thotty thotty coconut "bits". You think ---

Oh hey, these are actually pretty good. But they're not bits bits, you know, like, bitty bitty bits? More like... When the tin of coconut milk separates, they whacked in some of that coconut cream off the top. It melts in your mouth like... Something melty. Cloudy yummy coconut water with meltys. I approve. Get those "bits" in my mouth!!!

The lentils are bubbly, I gotta go

[watercoconutter]

I was so thirsty. You were leaking. I couldn't help but take you immediately into my mouth, deep into my throat. I knew I should be savoring the salty-sweet taste, but I didn't care, I just needed you inside me. I swallowed everything you had to give, and it was such wonderful release.

[watercoconutter]

My one, my only, my true, love.

You are always there for me. I'll never forget every time you've been there to hydrate me, except for those times that I forgot, which is most of them. You're there on hot days and after a night out and the morning after a night out and when I feel like drinking coconut water, which is often. I would say I owe you my life, but honestly I don't, although you do lift me up when I'm down.

Huh, I wonder if you would lift me up when I'm down, dead sea like, if there were a coconut water swimming pool (omfg 💦), would I float really easy because of all the sugars and the salts and the electrolytes??

Thanks to anyone* out there for being patient with me posting. You all?* are the best, possibly. I think I have a backlog of coconut water pictures to post. It's been over a year (and what an over a year it has been!)

I'll catch !everyone up with a vlog soon (I won't) but in the meantime I need to look forward to having this innocent👼🏾-looking bottle of joy in the morning. My treat for lying down unconscious for several hours!

(That's not my beer, I hate beer)

*(This blog has zero followers and 🎵that's the way a-ha a-ha, I liiike it a-ha-ha🎵)

No wildcards but logical operators

[watercoconutter]

KOH

My friend pointed out to me that KOH is potassium hydroxide. This is not potassium hydroxide. This is not potassium hydroxide. It is coconut water. Apparently, if you drink potassium hydroxide then you DIE because it’s a STRONG base. Don’t drink potassium hydroxide, kids. I'm full of wise advice.

ENOUGH ABOUT POTASSIUM HYDROXIDE THIS IS ABOUT COCONUT WATER

It’s kinda sweet with taste like a little bit of the coconut flesh sort of bled in, but went a bit stale. Clings to the tongue a lot, not really refresheneshening. Maybe... because it’s a little warm. It's not my favourite… My friend really likes it but maybe he just doesn’t have as refined a coconut water palate as me.

Kokosova voda!

I’m on a train in Slovenia (yeah I travel, bitches) and "kokosova voda" means "coconut water" in Slovenian. I was kinda hoping it would have some special letters but no.

FUN FACT they say “coconutS water”

Ciao I’m off to do fun things

[watercoconutter]

AlnaturA COCO drink NATUR [srsly why do these packagings mix upper and lower case so much] "drink" makes it seem like it's altered, defiled, PUMPED FULL OF SUGAR. It's not. That's what NATUR means. Best drunk ̶a̶f̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶ ̶v̶i̶g̶o̶r̶o̶u̶s̶ ̶w̶o̶r̶k̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶ or o̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶h̶o̶t̶ ̶t̶r̶o̶p̶i̶c̶a̶l̶ ̶b̶e̶a̶c̶h̶ WHILST WATCHING POSE Y'ALL SHOULD WATCH POSE IT'S AWESOME

[watercoconutter]

Hangover saviour angel

Take half before sleeping, half after waking, my people. Trust in me. No I’m not a cartoon snake (I’m the fucking tiger)

[watercoconutter]

MALEE COCO & A SMIRNOFF ICE [wtf] Oh yes OH YES What's better than a small Malee Coco?? A BIG ONE! (Well... this is a general rule in life, right? *WINK WINK*) You've seen my opinions on Malee Coco. Ahhhh Malee Coco. Omg. *whispers*... Draaaaggg Naaaaameee Yes I'm about to drink a Smirnoff Ice. It's pride ok? Malee Cocoooooo is good for hydration. Booze is good for dancing. HAPPY PRIDE EVERYONE 🏳️‍🌈

[watercoconutter]

MALEE COCO

OMFG this is maybe the best coconut water I’ve ever had (EXCEPT the coconut water that comes out of a fresh green coconut in the tropics, oh Jesus that stuff is amaz… amaz… … sorry, I don’t usually cream my underwear in front of people)

ANYWAY perhaps this is the closest one might come to that cocorgasm. It’s fresh, clean and light, chased by a slight sweet coconutty flavour and a finish that runs down your throat and invigorates you from the inside out. The taste is a little like making out with Zac Efron (I assume) and the heady feeling you're left with afterwards is like lying in his strong arms and feeling the light tickle of his breath on the back of your neck (I assume).

I used half of this for a protein shake. That was a mistake. I might as well have made the shake with fucking Bollinger. Bolly Bolly darling darling sweetie.

[watercoconutter]

ALNATURA [again but I - did - not - realise] Clean, like water at the beginning, not sweet and only the tiniest hint of coconut flavour. Cloying and stays with you at the end, the feeling on your tongue is the same as having a giant snail crawl across your arm. Not in a bad way. I like snails. Ate garlic snails once. I was the most sick I've ever been in my life after that, but I don't think it was the snails. That said, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to eat snails again. My grandfather wanted to retire to Sri Lanka and open a snail farm. True fact. I forgot I did ALNATURA coco drink (no AlnaturA it's cocoNUT d̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ WATER, wait why is the carton in French, I'm not in a French-speaking place), anyway I forgot I did this one already. But COMPARE IT TO THE OTHER ONE, I SAID THE SAME THINGS and I (ok not the same about being sick or my Grandfather, but the snail thing) and I swear to God that wasn't staged.

[watercoconutter]

cocoMAX Coconutty but artificial, saccharine-ketone taste. Clings to your tongue like semen even after you've spat/swallowed (no judgement here)

[watercoconutter]

Feeling rebellious and experimental. Want to tear up society, buck trends, kill normativity. Bought this Went too far. Experimentation can be dangerous. This tasted like coconut milk because that's basically what it was. Except it was mostly water. I read the ingredients so I know. I like coconut milk. IN THAI CURRIES

[watercoconutter]

AlnaturA Very fresh in the beginning, but the finish lasts seemingly forever, clinging like a large snail on your tongue. Nebbiolo tannins. Drunk out the bottle. I was thirsty. WTF is nebbiolo

[watercoconutter]

cocoMAX... ...is much better when part of a protein shake. I have found your purpose in life, cocoMAX. You're a featured artist. You're Quavo. But with a better name. Which you don't shout in every song (because you're not a singer, and tbh neither is Quavo he just shouts his name randomly over and over like a Pokémon) I have a very good friend called Max. He also doesn't sing nor does he shout his name randomly.

[watercoconutter]

innocent nevereverfromconcentrate coconut water [all lower case] Ah, innocent. So reliable. You're always there in times of need. Especially when coconut water is the need. We have reviewed you so many times. Plus you write tiny messages in the folds of your cartons

[watercoconutter]

FOCO [I would name a parrot FOCO. In capitals.] My town is a coconut water desert. Only Coco MAX is usually available. We lament. Fuck you cocoMAX do you grow your coconuts in like sewage fields or what Onerous searching... years and tears and fears of... chronic dehydration. In a small "ethnic" (ok people that's not my term) shop IN THE MAIN TRAIN STATION RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE ...beloved coconut water is secreted far in a corner The bastard shop stopped selling it but thankfully I discovered it in an even smaller Asian shop even closer to me (they never used to sell it I swear, I looked) I've reviewed this one before. FLAMINGO GLASS yes I'm fabulous, fuckers

[watercoconutter]

VITA COCO [old friend] Yes look at that. It's science. I was sciencing. You can't science without coconut water. True fact. If you try, your body disintegrates like the vampires in Buffy because you're so dehydrated. You also need coffee because fuck, brain needs energy. Sci-what? Gimme my coffee