wasps-nest

[wasps-nest]

tbpdfw

you feel like a guest in your own mood swings.

[wasps-nest]

update

i had been getting better. and now it feels like all that progress is washed

[wasps-nest]

loved one: sorry, i can’t hang out! i have plans with other people 

my hellbrain’s instincts: wow you love them more tha- 

me, ignoring her and working on being a better person: that’s okay! i hope you have fun! can we hang out some other time?

[wasps-nest]

i swear i'd kill myself if i wasn't so narcissistic that the thought of never hearing my thoughts again scares me

[wasps-nest]

borderline thoughts

what if i'm stuck like this. constantly battling my own emotions when half the time i don't even know how i feel. always destroying relationships because i have a fear of someone ruining me before i ruin them. overwhelmed by so much self loathing, i can't even remember if i used to love something about who i am.

i'm afraid. because everyone says things get better or that there is more to life than being happy, but i can't believe that.

because every single time i believe something is getting better, it's only a false sense of security i use to pretend i can make it and see progress in bettering myself. because every single time i think that there is more to being happy i wonder how miserable i really am.

[wasps-nest]

i am simultaneously better and worse than other people

[wasps-nest]

borderline thoughts

sex has become a mentally validating thing again, but physically it is so draining and tiresome that i'd rather not be intimate with anyone. i don't want to sleep with someone but i have no other way of feeling complete.

[wasps-nest]

I think I’m gonna start making comics to help me deal with bpd… here’s one

[wasps-nest]

Borderline Thoughts

do you ever just dream about the day you can stop having to explain yourself to someone constantly? no more "i'm sorry it's just that..." or "i can't help it because...". do you ever dream someone will finally just know? they'll just know.

[wasps-nest]

something to remember

being a borderline does not excuse your behavior. it explains it, but it does not excuse it.

[wasps-nest]

Loving a borderline is like this: A borderline with love you more than you love yourself, they will do anything for you. In exchange though you have to deal with someone who is not exaggerating when they say they are crazy. Who will change moods over a tone in your voice. We are sensitive as fuck. Like you would not believe it you really wouldn’t. That exaggerated ‘I dropped a pen and now I’m sobbing’ moment is our entire freaking life. That is not easy to love. I’m s not easy to feel like everything you door say could potentially send a person into a fit of tears. It’s not easy to love a person when they want you to apologize in these situations when of course you feel you’ve done nothing wrong. This is because their hurt feels no less real to them and hits them a thousand fold what a normal person might feel. It’s very hard and I don’t think anyone should sign up for it tbh. At least not with me.

[wasps-nest]

Borderline Thoughts

i don't want to date anymore. i don't want to have sex anymore. i don't want to make friends anymore. i don't want to interact with people anymore. i just kind of want to be alone.

[wasps-nest]

me: improving

brain: trigger yourself

me: why

brain: if you don't suffer you're fake and people won't care anymore

me: fuck you're right

[wasps-nest]

me: *has a massive breakdown*

later

friend: what happened?

me: i cant remember

[wasps-nest]

borderline thoughts

i want to be remembered. i want to be told i'm thought of. i want to be missed. i'm so scared of being forgotten because how am i supposed to know i was even real if i'm not on someone's mind?

[wasps-nest]

tbpdfw

all your coworkers tell you how attractive you are so it sounds suspicious and now you think you're the ugliest thing alive

[wasps-nest]

tbpdfw

you catch yourself switching but literally have no control over it so you feel like your body and mind aren't actually yours