wardensjournal

[wardensjournal]

Google search: how do I fall asleep in a reasonable amount of time

Time sensitive question

[wardensjournal]

Everything in our body aches and I’m not sure why.

I know we have chronic pain, but I just wish we knew what caused it. I had chronic pain in my source; I’m no stranger to seemingly random and constant pain.

But at least I knew what caused mine.

The near constant fights, spending hours gathering materials to build things, the actual building process, November 16, and the fairly consistent self explosions.

There’s no reasonable explanation for why we have chronic pain, at least not one that I’m aware of.

[wardensjournal]

I’ve been reflecting a lot today on the prison.

Dream asked me to build a huge prison that was inescapable, and promised me both a large sum of money and control of said prison. I didn’t accept the offer because I needed money or wanted power, but I did think that the SMP needed some semblance of a justice system.

He’d told me how he wanted the maximum security cell to be built. I built it exactly to his specifications.

I asked, “Who’s going in the prison?”

He said, “Bad people who do bad things.”

And then one day, they dragged him in. I was just sitting at the front desk with my legs on the table (it wasn’t like I had anything else better to be doing at the time), and they dragged him in through the portal. They asked me to lock him in the maximum security cell. And I did.

I said, “Funny how things work out, isn’t it?”

He just spit blood on me.

That prison was supposed to be inescapable. It was inescapable, until Techno broke in. I don’t hold anything against him, but I do wonder what possessed him to break Dream out.

I’d asked people to help look for him so we could lock him up again. Mostly people I trusted. Bad, Sapnap, Jack Manifold, Michael. I was hesitant to ask Punz to help, but he’d offered first anyway.

I knew it was a bad idea to trust him. He just gave Dream enchanted armor and weapons, he didn’t care about anyone else on the SMP.

I still have a hard time not blaming myself for what happened.

[wardensjournal]

I have an . . Interesting view on romance as a whole, I’ve realized.

I do think it’s very sweet, and I’m very glad for those who are able to find someone who they match so well with (and that they feel romantic love for).

But I don’t have that.

I’m not upset about it. Though I will admit that sometimes I get a little jealous of couples around me. I don’t get mad at them, and I never voice my jealousy. But I can’t fall in love. I’ve tried.

In a world dominated by romance and relationships and the idea that you have to be in a romantic relationship to be happy, I’m incapable of feeling romantic love.

That’s fine with me for the most part, but sometimes I still find myself wishing I could feel that. Wishing that I could know what it’s like to be in love.

[wardensjournal]

Intro post

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I’m Sam; he/him and it/its pronouns. I’m a fictive in a DID system, though I don’t come into front often. This is mostly going to be a space for me to organize my thoughts and experiences as part of a system, as well as my source memories (as they can get quite fuzzy at times).

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Tagging system;

#wardens log - Any/all posts I write

#security alert - Posts about my system experience

#prison office - Posts about my source memories

#high security - Vent posts

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