wamiciu

[wamiciu]

Forest girl

[wamiciu]

The cyclic nature of AvPD is so, extremely, exhausting.

The “progress” that never feels like really any progress you can count on to keep you afloat.

Even more if you’re already at a good level of “functioning” - aka you can socialize and you can talk to people without much distress or anxiety.

What happens then, what keeps on happening, is that you gather some energy to socialize and attempt connecting.

And nothing come out of it.

The same old stuff… people are busy with their own lives, jobs, careers, families and friends, their own partners, they have their closed circles already, that they’ve been building for years and there’s no place for someone who requires as much attention and care as you do, for someone who has nothing and is only starting to try to build up something.

The same old stuff… even around peers, you feel alienated, because of your own personal queerness, because of your “unusual” lifestyle, because there’s not much for you to talk, because of so many things.

The same old stuff… you’re good to hang out with for as long as you can be a helper, a listener; as long as you’re useful, then people will pay attention to you; as long as you keep up with the appearances (quite literally also) and with the masks that make you, seemingly, more attractive and friendly.

The same old stuff… of you wanting to find someone, anyone, who you can feel close to and who will give you reassurance. You need things to be permanent and stable as they can be, and you keep on searching always…

The same old stuff…

And nothing comes out of it. You put a lot of effort for nothing - it’s not reciprocated, or it isn’t in a way that feels safe for you - you spend a lot of energy and time for nothing, the connections start but they don’t stay.

You burn out, and the distress starts building up again, until it becomes unbearable again, until you want to end your life again. The relief you find is only ever temporary.

Like getting high from a drug, and dropping into a bad trip after.

It doesn’t matter how much you change your behaviour, you already did more than enough behavioural work throughout the years.

It depends on other people. It depends on finding the right people. It’s exhausting, and depressing.

[wamiciu]

people think avoidant personality disorder means that we avoid all social interactions, when that actually isn’t true. in fact, many of us mask as extroverts or ambiverts, to the point of self destruction at times. but in these situations we avoid becoming close to anyone. we hate being outside of social situations we do not feel 100% accepted in. we avoid abandonment by hiding in our own well curated spaces and avoiding situations we cannot feel safe in.

[wamiciu]

demon girl sketch in procreate

[wamiciu]

Скетч Тодороки в костюме зайки

[wamiciu]

Перерисовка пикчи 2019 года. Это хуманизация моего старого перса.

[wamiciu]

тревожное расстройство личности

маленькие вещички при тревожном расстройстве личности: я не могу извиниться, потому что это неловко, не могу выразить свои чувства, потому что это тоже неловко, не могу говорить о чувствах, потому что это неловко, не могу просить помощи, потому что мне стыдно. мое существование — позор. и я хочу превратиться в пыль и улететь далеко в порыве ветра, потому что мне стыдно.

[wamiciu]

Типо девочка клубничка

[wamiciu]

||•Не дорисованный арт, который я наверное никогда уже не доделаю так что выкладываю так. У меня в принципе полноценных работ считай нет, увы¯\_༼ᴼل͜ᴼ༽_/¯ •||

[wamiciu]