wallerina

[wallerina]

if someone says they dont want to be touched

dont touch them

dont fucking touch them

actually dont touch them

dont continue to fucking touch them after they make it clear they are uncomfortable

THIS ISNT FUCKING HARD DONT FUCKING TOUCH THEM

[wallerina]

ok also theres this man in his 60s that i work with whos been making me super super fucking uncomfortable ever since i started and i feel crazy.

im still like. friendly with him? i cant tell what his intentions are and i dont feel like i can tell him to fuck off so i act like everything is normal and we chat and joke around together. but he makes me scared and anxious and i dread seeing him every day. it was a lot worse when i was a cashier and then he mostly stopped when i got promoted to management, but a couple months ago he started getting weird again. i cant tell if its my imagination and im making something out of nothing or if he really is being inappropriate. hes been at the store for years and is very well respected which is part of why i cant tell if its all in my head. but there are a few other old guys i work with who hug me or pat my shoulder or compliment me and i dont feel uncomfortable outside of the fact that i just dont like to be touched, you know? like i dont get any kind of weird vibes off of them and i know theyre just being friendly. but this guy makes me so uncomfortable, the way he touches me and talks to me sometimes feels disgusting and wrong.

he comments on my clothes and my figure, like saying he prefers one of my pairs of jeans over the other because they "show off my nice long legs". and just weird comments, like a few weeks ago he said he "had the urge" to smack my ass "in a friendly way", and recently he said he got distracted while he was walking past me because hes "a male and we get distracted by certain things 😉". and sometimes he'll come up behind me and grab my waist or rub my shoulders and he's touched my hair a few times. months ago we were alone in the break room and he tried to give me a massage. he didnt push it when i pulled away from him but it wasnt too long before he started initiating touch again. i put off my lunches for weeks after that because we had ours at the same time and i didnt want to risk being alone with him again.

i hate going to the store room because his sections stuff is stored in there too, so sometimes we both end up there at the same time. i dont like being alone with him at all. he sent me a friend request on facebook and recently hes started trying to get me to grab coffee with him on the weekend. a couple days ago we were talking about these new cookies i got for the store and he kinda sidled up behind me and was like "you gotta promise next time youll share your cookie with me, i just want a taste of your cookie" and then winked. shit like that. is he being objectively weird or is he probably just an old guy who doesnt get boundaries? i havent told him explicitly to stop, ive just tried to redirect from those behaviors and get away when he gets like that. i feel crazy and dramatic but im getting scared of going to work again since hes started asking me to hang out outside of our job. i dont want to be around him at all

[wallerina]

crazy how much ppl do not care that you are literally losing your mind if you are a quiet woman who doesn't inconvenience others much

[wallerina]

i believe in everyones capability for joy everlasting and it looks like a coat you are warm in.

[wallerina]

i just want to feel happy and good and safe and desirable for five fucking seconsd please

[wallerina]

im so scared i want to die before anything else bad can happen

[wallerina]

the eighth deadly sin is actually being mean to me but they keep that one a secret

[wallerina]

saw a post abt this earlier that triggered me and fucked me up rly bad so tw for discussions of pap smears and sexual trauma

im 21 which means im supposed to start getting pap smears but i honestly feel like id rather die im so terrified but everyones always like "its uncomfy but you have to do it" "well some people have slight discomfort but its not supposed to hurt if done properly" "its a widdle akward but its over in no time 🥰"

like no you dont understand i have cptsd and just the thought of it makes me want to very very literally kill myself. also i cant even insert a fucking pinkie finger without searing pain. so exactly how the fuck am i supposed to lay on my back with my legs spread and let a complete stranger hold my vagina apart with a speculum and then scrape my fucking insides with a tool. "they can talk you through it" oh yeah thatll fix it. ive had full blown panic attacks just thinking about it and it makes me feel sick enough to vomit id rather die. and it makes me so fucking angry too like you mean to tell me none of these motherfuckers have bothered to find a different way to do this? too busy creating erection pill number 10,000? okay

[wallerina]

i feel genuinely so alone lol and my lifelong coping mechanisms arent helping as much anymore. it sounds corny but ive always used comfort fantasies to help myself feel better and now it seems like they help less and less and im terrified im going to lose them forever

[wallerina]

one thing about me i’m the leaver. i will leave

[wallerina]

i have been a ghost since i was a child, i don’t know how to turn myself into a person

[wallerina]

every day it really is like *wakes up and is suicidal*

[wallerina]

every single time something good happens i’m always on edge, cuz it never stays good for long..

[wallerina]

actually was having an okay night and started getting ready for bed at a reasonable time and then i read something triggering and now its 1:33 am and ive been up for hours obsessing and dry sobbing. i feel so worthless why cant i ever just have a good day i hate this fucking disorder

[wallerina]

also im back to doubting my abuse really really intently. its hard to describe my memory is hazy and most of what i remember that seemed wrong is especially blurry and disjointed. and the things i do remember clearly were like... weird and uncomfortable but i dont know that theyd actually be considered sexually abusive or unusual. ive lived in terror and shame for years wondering if i ruined my relationship with my own father and reported him for nothing. i want to describe some of the things he did so someone could just fucking tell me if it was normal or not. but how do you fucking do that. hey friend who i barely see anymore because you moved could you tell me if your normal dad ever did this to you? hey potential sexual partner could you help me out with this real quick? what am i supposed to do ive even tried looking it up but its all so specific that i never get anything

[wallerina]

The Long Island Cannibal Massacre (Nathan Schiff, 1980)

[wallerina]

THE CAVITY AND THE WOUND; THE OPENING AND THE EYE; THE CYCLE AND THE ANOMALY