waiting-in-green

[waiting-in-green]

Posting this on 05/25/2024 but scheduling for this to post on your Birthday since I wont be here to post it myself...

I wrote this card two months ago... but couldn't bring myself to send it to you... I promised you cookies at the very least the last time we actually spoke but I can't even do that.... anyway

I miss you. I hope your birthday was really special this year, even if it was with him and not me T.T

[waiting-in-green]

I’m headed to bootcamp for the military tomorrow. My original ship date wasn’t until August 12th. The truth is I requested to leave ASAP… my date moved up to May 29th. Why was I so eager to go? I’ve spent so much time alone grieving the loss of you. Going to the military was already something I had planned to do but I had planned to take a lot of time to myself. Truthfully I can’t handle all this free time to myself. The emptiness I feel. The abandonment I feel from you. Watching you smile and be so in love, not giving a single care about what you did to me. Watching you rearrange your room, removing every thing that I gifted you to be replaced by photos of you and him on your walls like I never existed. So maybe this will be good for me. Maybe being forced to be away and forced to be under constant stress and forced to workout constantly will be enough to finally give you what you want. I’ll be gone.

At the very least I know I’ll come out of this a stronger person. A better person. I hope someday you become a better person too.

I told my friend about this and he laughed and said this is like a plot to a k drama… leaving everything I know behind over the loss of someone I can never forget and can never un-love. How funny.

I tried to reach you one last time before I left but you were as cold as ever. Silent. I completely understand why but it still hurts so much. I’m not even worthy of a goodbye from you, no matter the circumstance, but I understand. Talking to me would only reopen the door to everything you regret, to everything you ran from.

So I guess this is really goodbye

It’s clear to me now, that you formed a hatred towards me, simply because I won’t stop loving you.

How dare I still love you right? How dare I not want to abandon you like you did me right? How dare I really truly love you.

Don’t worry. It won’t last much longer.

love

-Anty

happy early birthday.

[waiting-in-green]

My last song to you….

[waiting-in-green]

I guess I’m revealing our names and faces now…

I’ll be gone for several months. I don’t know what things will be like when I’m finally back but I know that my love will remain. So this is my final project to you before I go.

I love you. I’m so fucking sorry that I still love you…

I hope your new found love/happiness was worth it. I hope that all the lies, the deceit, the games you played was worth it. I hope hurting the person that loved you so much was worth it. When you're alone and think about what your new relationship is built on. It's built on nothing but lies but you tell yourself this is your fresh start, that he's the one. You gave him everything that you promised me and didn't even care how that made me feel. You posted him online instantly, openly, without regret for the world to see but deep down I know you wanted me to see the most. I'll never understand fully why you did this to me, when all I did was love you, all I wanted was to make you feel safe and so special. You confessed your love to me first, and I trusted you entirely... only for it to end up being a lie I had to find out about myself. A lie the entire time, and instead of making things right you ran away to the one person who hasn't seen this side of you. So when you're in his arms at night, when he's on top of you. I hope you feel so proud of how you got there.

I want nothing more for you to realize what you've done someday. I want nothing more than a real heartfelt apology, I want nothing more than to be treated like someone that matters and not someone that can just be used and thrown away like you treated me.

I was never disappointed in you, you didn't constantly "let me down" like you felt sometimes, we could have worked through every issue. I wouldn't have gotten tired of you, I wouldn't have thrown you away. I was loyal to you. Completely loyal to you until you threw me away not once but twice now. I loved you for your good and your bad and I would have stayed by your side through anything, I still fucking will.... the saddest part of this all is I don't hate you, I don't fucking hate you but god I want to so bad.... I will love you always... If you knew how many tears I've shed, would you care a little more? If I stopped caring... would you then care a little more?

[waiting-in-green]

I re-made our bracelet today. I don’t wear it anymore but it looked sad and drained of life just like us… it’s vibrant once again and while I still can’t bring myself to wear it. I’ll still cherish it and hold onto it as long as my heart keeps beating… I hope you’re doing okay. I hope you’re eating and resting well.

[waiting-in-green]

anh vẫn yêu em ....

[waiting-in-green]

I slowly feel my life coming back together. I'm finding myself again. I still think about you all the time, but the questions in my mind have stopped, but I still can't escape the dreams. The dreams of me sitting at home one day, and I get a call from you telling me you're outside. I walk outside in disbelief and I don't say a single word. I run to you... lift you up into my arms in tears... and hold you like I never want to let go.

I want these dreams to die. I can't wait for the day my subconscious mind stops desiring you, so I can finally forget, but who am I kidding? I will never forget. My mind says I'll be okay, but my heart just can't quit you. One day at a time. Things will be okay.

[waiting-in-green]

I keep struggling to find the reason why this is so hard. I honestly could handle the fact you don’t want to be with me. It’s just the way you did it. The way you shut me out and treated me like nothing. Tell me you’re moving on, let’s be friends, let’s create some distance but still be there and support each other. I could handle that but no, I am nothing. I get nothing. Just abandoned like I never meant anything, not even worthy to be a friend. As I carry about my day you come into mind from time to time and all I can feel is shock. I could have been your friend. A real friend that respected your boundaries and what you wanted, but you didn’t trust me, or maybe you didn’t trust yourself enough to keep the connection. I don’t know. It really sucks. I miss my friend. I genuinely miss my friend. I can handle not being your lover, but I miss my friend. My best friend. My other half. We just got each other. Anyway, there’s no point anymore. I just have to vent. It’s just shock. Complete shock.

[waiting-in-green]

As clear as a musical note, and as sincere as a melody. You're the music that's been playing in my head since the day we met - IYKYK <3

My last tears will be shed today. It’s time to let go 🥺

I love you. Thank you 💛

[waiting-in-green]

all I do is sing about you and cry. What the fuck is wrong with me 😭… I can’t handle it anymore. My eyes are so heavy all the time. I’m exhausted all the time.

I’ve hidden my stories from you bc I don’t want you to see me hurting, I just want you to be happy. I should hate you, but I just fucking cannot no matter how hard I try I just can’t.

I hope this gets easier soon… I’m tired. I’m so tired …

[waiting-in-green]

As he laid on my chest. I tried my hardest to hold back my tears. His eyes closed, unaware of the panic I was feeling… he reached his arm over my chest in his slumber and I couldn’t keep the tears from falling down my face, wishing it was you. I can’t help but imagine you being held by him and that only makes the tears worse. I cannot love, I cannot be loved without crying an ocean of tears, how can you? Did you never love me? Was I just someone to fulfill your needs at the time? Was it ever real? If it wasn’t, then how did you make me feel like a freshman in high school falling in love for my very first time… was it all a dream? Now a nightmare that I can’t wake up from no matter how hard I try. I force my eyes shut as the tears dry on my cheeks. I cannot love, I cannot be loved, because it’s not you….

-Anty

[waiting-in-green]

my emotions are a rollercoaster when it comes to you. But I wish I could tell you how freaking proud of you I am 🥺 the biggest smile appeared on my face when I saw a picture of you that appeared to be you back in school…. I’m so proud, you’re amazing…

keep going 🥺 I’m rooting for you always always always. Forever :c

[waiting-in-green]

Why am I the villain in your story? How is it fair that everyone else that was apart of the situation gets to be in your life but I'm the one that gets treated like shit. You laugh and smile online, probably painting lies about me, when we both know I used to be your Angel. We both know what we felt, but I am the Villain now, I am the problem now, and it's easier to cast me out and treat me like I am nothing, instead of treat me like someone who cares about you because it's easier this way for you... So fine... I'll be you're fucking Villain. I hope you're so happy. You want me to hate you I know you fucking do, but I never fucking will. You win. You fucking win. Are you happy now? You said you'd never leave, but how could I believe that after you broke every single promise we ever made. It doesn't matter how much you broke me, It doesn't matter that I'll never love the same again after this, why don't you get that you are so fucking special, that I would have been there for you through anything. Why is this the path you chose. I am broken and you are happy. Completely unbothered by what you have done to me, despite all our good times, despite every time I made you cry happy tears by supporting you in ways you never have been before. I am nothing to you anymore and my mind cannot understand how that became my reality. It will never understand. The worst part? You confessed your love to me first, and I gave myself to you entirely, I trusted you.... all for you to throw me away.

You want me to hate you, but that's the one thing I can never do for you...

[waiting-in-green]

[waiting-in-green]

it’s been over a month since we were last in each others arms. The day soon approaches where you will be held by someone else. I miss you. That’s all I can say. I miss you so much.

[waiting-in-green]

I just want to sleep normal again. Every night I dream about him. He used to dream of me every night and I’d wake up to a new cute story, and I miss that so fucking much, but now I dream of him every night. When I fall asleep I usually sleep through the entire night, but since he left me I wake up every hour or two through the entire night because of whatever dream I’m having of him. Last night we met at a festival in my dreams, it was unintentional and we didn’t expect to see eachother but the moment we locked eyes he ran back to me and told me how much he missed me and apologized so deeply… of course this was a dream… I woke up in tears. I forced myself back to sleep… but it just kept happening over and over and over. This is supposed to be getting easier isn’t it? So why does my heart yearn for him even in my dreams. He was the guy of my dreams, everything I’ve ever wanted and he slipped right through my fingers, someone else took him from me and it now haunts me. I wish I could make you smile that beautiful one more time, I wish I could caress your cheek and kiss your nose, the nose you hate so much but I find adorable. I wish I could feel you holding onto me and laying your head on my chest just one more time… I can distract myself during the day all I want, but you always return to me in my dreams. I love you so much, I hope the universe brings us back together someday.

- Anty

[waiting-in-green]

Healing

It's been getting easier to accept my reality. I've been focusing on my health. Going outdoors, working out, but he's always on my mind. Yesterday he posted a photo onto his Instagram story. It was a photo of him taking a bubble bath. A blue heart flickered on the screen along side a candle that I gifted him back when things were good, but what sealed my fate was the bracelet on his arm. It was not mine. It was a bracelet from his new man. All I could do was smile. Somehow I did not feel pain, I did not feel anger or sadness. The universe works in mysterious ways, because before I saw this photo that day was the first day I finally removed my bracelet since the day we made our promise to be together and on that same day he posted himself with a new promise to someone else. Maybe it's a sign, that he's happy and I should finally let go. I am. I have, but it's so hard to mute the thoughts in the back of my head screaming "that could have been you. that should have been you. that would have been you if you two just waited, but you ruined it all" I'll keep this bracelet forever, because my promise is still forever, no matter what happens. no matter how long.

The past is the past, it is getting easier, but I will never stop loving him, I will never stop supporting him, my door will always be open for him. Doesn't matter what day or time, I will be there for anything, but for now all I can do is continue to focus on my health and wish him the happiness he always deserved. His birthday is soon, a day I will still always find special. I'll be celebrating you here. I wasn't perfect but my intentions were always true. I've never loved someone quite as much as you. That's all I have for now.

I love you,

Anty

yellow + blue = green

maybe yellow was meant to meet green so that yellow realized what love should feel like and now yellow is on his journey to love, the right way. So green became the strength and ladder to get to blue.

make him so fucking happy please.