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wait-andbleedb · 7 years ago

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Just my thoughts/feelings - I need to write this somewhere

I feel the need of sharing this, or maybe just writing it, I guess I’ll put it here so I can feel a bit lighter? anyway... I’ve not been well for a long time... I think it was like 3 years ago when it started, I was in second year of University. I had been not so well before that but that’s when I remember it “hitting” me and it just got worse and worse over time. I have been having suicidal thoughts many times... to the point of actually planning everything and thinking about everything, what I’m leaving, how I’m leaving it etc. Because I’m very conscious about everything, and this also contributes to making my head full all the time. Things were bereable (kinda), I mean, I was going through it. Until like a year ago (around November 2016) when I just reached a very low point, I couldn’t anymore. But I went through it, because I was studying for 4 months in The Netherlands at the time, and I didn’t want to cause “problems” or yeah, unnecessary bothers to the woman where I was living, or to my parents to bring my stuff back etc.

I eventually came back to Spain, sometimes I was feeling “better”, better meaning kinda “acepting it” and that’s it. But it just got worse and worse. It was kinda feeling like I couldn’t get any lower, but you can, you can always go lower and lower. I was finishing my 4th year of Uni but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. So many nights have passed when I was just crying, and crying, and thinking that that’s it, I can’t anymore.

I don’t have a dream. It’s been years since I don’t have a dream anymore. I don’t dream about anything. I don’t feel like I have any purpose in life. Any purpose for anything. I’m not good at anything. I don’t bring anything to anybody. And so many nights have passed when I was just crying and planning it. But I was always kinda “hopeful”. I don’t know for what thought. I was just accepting it. That’s the way it is. I need to live like this. I don’t enjoy anything, like absolutely anything, but I can’t die. I don’t enjoy anything, like nothing. I can’t even “concentrate” to enjoy a movie, nothing gets to me anymore, everything is useless and pointless. But I’m afraid of the pain of dying, and I feel bad when I think that my parents would have to collect my stuff from my place, and bury me etc. These 2 are the only reasons keeping me here.

Eventually I thought that I’ll try to finish Uni, I’ll struggle and finish it and maybe things will get better afterwards. They didn’t. However, as silly and stupid as that my seem coming from my 22 years old ass, who has been a black and death metal fan since my teenage years, I discovered kpop in july 2017. And the months afterwards I started to feel better. It sounds silly, that some music can do that, but it can, I was actually felling better. I didn’t have any more “bad thoughts”. I had finally started having dreams and motivation to do stuff again. I guess it’s difficult to imagine that. But for me it was amazing, it was a great feeling to actually want to do something with your life. I turned a big fan of B.A.P, I don’t know, I just felt a connection with them. And I have been listening to kpop, watching stuff, etc. and I was happy. I was finally happy. I actually have distanced myself from like all my friends or most of them... because I need time, I need time for myself. I need to be egoistic, and I feel better away from everybody. But yeah, that’s another thing. Well, it is related but yeah...

Last month my “happy bubble” cracked. I heard the news of Jonghyun from Shinee. I don’t know, but it hit me. Hard. Because it was suicide. I kinda woke me up to reality. It was like everything that was keeping me going left me. I was lost. I distanced myself from the Internet for a couple of days, but the feeling was there. Kpop was not conforting me anymore. I spent the last month crying myself to sleep every goddamn night. Shaking, and having constantly a feeling of being afraid. I started having suicide thoughts again. But I felt that this time it was worse than ever. I was really like that’s it. I just couldn’t anymore again. But it was worse than some months before. A lot worse. I was seeking and puting everything into kpop, the desperation I was feeling of wanting kpop to fill me up again was just huge. It was not working anymore.

I have kinda accepted it again... Like accepted that I guess that’s how life is supposed to be. Awful. For me only maybe. But yeah. I don’t sleep though. I haven’t slept since then. I can’t. Anxiety kicks in at times. I drink some relaxing tea and hope “for the best”. I actually go to sleep hoping to never wake up. But yeah. I guess I’ll go to the psychologist one day maybe, because anytime it may hit me, the impulsivity at a moment when I just can’t, can’t anymore, and I’ll do it. But yeah... I’ve been to a psychologist once and I didn’t like it. I felt awful, I cried for all the hour, and all the afternoon afterwards, and didn’t go back there. I don’t really want to take pills though... I don’t want to live my life on pills.

To make it a happy ending, I feel love though. The only things that make me happy and fill my heart are my dog (who is at my parents’) and B.A.P. Stupidly enough, B.A.P are the only group (thing actually) that still creates some emotion into me. Because if it wasn’t for them I would be completely a rock. Because I don’t feel anything anymore for absolutely anything. And I don’t have any interest in anything and anybody. I don’t care if I sound stupid, nobody understands what I’m going through. What I’m struggling with. When you have lost all feelings/hope/motivation/energy for absolutely everything, every little piece of joy is huge for you. So B.A.P is the world for me.

I hope to read all this again in half a year, and be in a better place. In a better place meaning being happy with myself and with existing, and finding things to enjoy in life. Because I still feel bad of leaving my parents, with all my stuff, after I’ve wasted their money nearly 23 years. I hope when I’ll read it again I will remember this feelings that I have while writing this, and the tears, I will feel once again strong, because nobody can compare its pains. My pain seems nothing to the outside eye, but this pain may end my life at any moment. And I want to think that I am so goddamn strong for fighting against it for so much time, completely alone.

#b.a.p #thoughts #kpop #depression #i needed this #sad #feelings #lost #·personal #jonghyun

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wait-andbleedb · 7 years ago

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Thank you for writing this... This is exactly how I’m feeling about the ending. After loving the anime and manga with all my heart for aroud 11-12 years (being 22 now), the ending is like you said, it’s a slap in the face. But it’s kinda “covered?”, because when you read it you feel kinda satisfied in a way, but after you actually think about it it’s a big crap and a big disrespect to all of us who have spent half of our lifes into this story. The universe of naruto, and the relationships between the characters, the development of them, their dreams, their goals, everything was so good. But I guess what happened is that naruto got too famous (the manga, the anime, merch, etc) so... money. That’s the only response I can get when I try to relieve my sadness. Naruto got too big, and Masashi continued it, and continued it... and the anime studio made fillers... because of money. I think Masashi should (would?) have ended it a long time before, and make it how it was supposed to be, because I’m sure the story had a completely different ending. But it got to a point where it was just too much, too many things going on at the end, to many characters, too many problems, so he ended it in a easy way. Easy “fanservice”. I guess he lengthened it too much, he was completely tired and uninterested in Naruto anymore. That’s no excuse for us, he should have taken the right decisions, but that’s no use now. Naruto will be in my heart for what it was, for all the years. The ending does not exist for me, and neither does Boruto. From my point of view Boruto is just continuation for “MONEY”. I could just go on with what happened with Neji, with Orochimaru??, with the pairings... Kaguya?? that was a big joke for me... but there’s no use to that...Naruto are the genins that were fighting to survive in the forest of death, Naruto is the one who is trying to save Sasuke from Orochimaru...

The dream of Naruto becoming Hokage that we all had while we were young, seems like the BIGGEST of all scams now... And it hurts... it was not supposed to be like this. This was not his dream...

And another thing that bothers me is that from the beginning it was all about hard work, Naruto was absolutely nothing, nobody, and through hard work you get somewhere (the idea of “not like Sasuke or Neji, but like Rock Lee”). But towards the end we get that Naruto is the child of the prophecy, it was him, and during the War he just gets powers over powers, and he’s the most powerful. Through what? And him and Sasuke are actually kinda reincarnations? What? That just twists all the ideas we had been fed HALF of our lifes. It’s sickening.

Why does everyone hate Boruto? Boruto is not that bad people just want give him the chance

I have deliberately avoided answering Boruto questions on this blog any longer due to the fact it gets me heated.

However despite this, I still am sent questions regarding this shithole series and people are still curious about what I think of it now, 40 something episodes in. To the person who sends me continuous information on the series: I don’t care and never have. Please stop. To everyone else: I haven’t always been entirely honest about how I really feel about Boruto, sarcasm aside.

So here you go.

Warning: This answer is not pointed towards you individually (anonymous). Please don’t take everything I’m about to say personal or as a direct attack on you.

Naruto might’ve “ended” fifteen years ago, and people who are still angry have every god given right to be.Because when you “end” a story in a mediocre, anti climatic, unsatisfactory bullshit way, it’s going to piss a lot of people off—as it rightfully should.Because when you disrespect your own characters the way Masashi Kishimoto did, a lot of people who spent most of their childhoods invested in the livelihood of the characters only to be told at the ending “I don’t actually give a single fuck about these characters or what they were primarily intended to represent” is a huge bitch slap to the face to the people who supported the creators work and art after all that time. It’s disgusting, it’s triggering and it’s horrifying. Sasuke’s character is primarily so popular due to how savage his creator treated him. Kishimoto started this universe off with a child suffering from traumatic loss by someone he adored with the essence of his existence—to end it by making that character not only a dog to the system that betrayed his entire clan, but rooted him to character that understood him the absolute least of all people. As an invested reader (as many of those were) this is disrespectful as fuck to do to a character. Kishimoto spent so much time reiterating to us about this broken, fucked up system only to have the one character going against it suddenly lay down and accept it, no more questions asked, silenced forever. If Sasuke Uchiha was at least handled and written correctly, people might’ve accepted the ending far easier, in time. However, this was not the case. Sasuke Uchiha represented oppression and injustice yet the ending made him even further ostracized. As in; his problems weren’t solved, his trauma wasn’t mended and his heart was still crushed. This hurt very many people, as it should. Your favorite character at the end of the story doesn’t even have a last word.

It’s the way that the Boruto series despite branching off into its own supposed direction and storyline continues to rob and borrow ideals from its predecessor in horrendous ways. In a way, I’m glad Boruto happened. I’m glad that the world sees something like Boruto because it highlights in clear depiction everything the studio and the “people” care about; ships, ships, rehash, ships, rehash. These are the people who watched Naruto and Naruto Shippuden to see Hinatits collapse while talking to Naruto, to see Sakura regress significantly when Sasuke is present—Boruto: Next Generations is aiming for those people and the studio damn well knows it and they are bringing what those people want to see, what’s going to get them to keep coming back. Because who cares about a child shinobi system highlighted as brutal in the original series? Not them! Let’s romanticize missions. Who cares about the Hyuuga Clan branch system? Not them! Let’s make sure we show everyone how important Hinata truly is. Oh and Neji? Yeah let’s never mention him again except for comedic relief. Who cares about punishing criminals and imprisonment? Not them! In fact let’s continue to bring in the main villain and even better let’s give him a child that he openly experimented on and portray him as a good parent! Who cares about all of those things? The true fans did. It’s the way they wash these important issues under the rug and never mention them again. It’s the way the issues that were tackled and prevalent in Naruto are no longer even discussed or mentioned. Because that was Neji Hyuuga, Sasuke Uchiha and Yahiko’s duties. Guess where all of them went. Notice that Sasuke is never seen in the village. Want to know why that is? Because he would challenge the system. Nope! Can’t have that—twelve years out on the hunt for a make believe villain you go Sasuke! The creators seem to not understand that the series can most definitely thrive if they were not continuously shitting on the old one; they could have created this universe in the Naruto realm that everything still exists without destroying the previous characters development. Naruto and Sasuke struggling against a battle with a weak minded villain with foolish ideals was atrocious—not to mention Sasuke goddamn Uchiha couldn’t dodge kunai. If the creators had actually paid attention during the original series, they would know that the Uchiha clan were one of the clans to master weaponry. So to have Sasuke—a Uchiha—struggling against them was a massive “fuck you” to his character and everything he made of himself. It definitely shows. Then they had Sakura attack the weak minded villain with a sneak attack, despite his entire cranium was shrouded in eyeballs and not seeing that attack coming. They really want us to buy this? Oh but wait—Boruto: Next Generations can’t have logic in it, people can’t read that deep into it. It’s a show for the new generation, it needs to be kid friendly. Maybe we just won’t notice, right? Yeah. Let’s pretend we don’t notice. In another way I’m glad Boruto happened, it reiterated to us significantly how unoriginal their ideals were as well as the incompetence of Kishimoto as a writer. Want to know a secret, my friend? We could have excused shitty writing if the story was satisfactory. We could have excused improper and rushed pairings with shitty writing, if the ending were justified and believable. Oh..but..that isn’t the case. In fact, the ending outright proved to us just how shitty of a writer Kishimoto actually is. So guess what? We’re pissed. The bullshit excuses of him being a young mangaka at the time is insanely inexcusable—it’s your profession to create stories and content and you fall back on discrediting your profession as undermining your own ability? My favorite outlandish lie that Kishimoto spoke was when he admitted he could not write romance—but Naruto was a series he wrote about the essence of the budding relationship between Naruto Uzumaki and Hinata Hyuuga.

Wait—excuse me? But Kishimoto, you just said you are not very good at writing romance. My god..so why did you aim to write a romance story if you cannot write romance? Is it because…that isn’t what Naruto was about, perhaps?It’s the way that the authors intended dream for the protagonist became so undermined that he had to change his entire wording in order to make us believe that..it made sense. Yeah..believe it! Get this: Naruto Uzumaki an orphaned Konoha resident is ostracized due to harboring a demonic beast within him that wreaked havoc on the village years prior. Despite the sour looks and disdain of others, he perseveres on the journey to becoming Hoka—marrying Hinata Hyuuga. How fucked up would that make you feel? An average reader in the beginning would not derive that bullshit notion upon first picking that manga up. Could you imagine Masashi Kishimoto using that as his pitch? They’d throw him out the door quicker than Rock Lee’s downfall of being a relevant character. It’s the way that the own creator contradicts himself with his own wording. Stating he could not write romance and goes on to develop multiple—mutual—ships that take a back seat to underdeveloped asspull pairings. It’s the way that Boruto also fleshed out his inner shitty writing abilities by creating light novels. Here’s the thing about Light Novels; they are intended to explain situations, storyline or anything that does not initially fit in the manga itself or did not have time to be explained or developed. They are meant to help the reader themselves understand certain aspects or criteria that otherwise they wouldn’t have found in the original/initial material. Masashi Kishimoto decided now was his time to help everyone understand just how it was Naruto Uzumaki’s dream of becoming hokage was actually a fluke—it was to marry Hinata Hyuuga instead. Now this is after the disaster film of The Last. We’re still asking questions and here comes our Lord and Savior Masashi Kishimoto about to deliver us some tea!What the—there isn’t anything? There’s just Naruto boinking Hinata and..creating two children? Fine. You know what—you win this round Masashi Kishimoto. As a reader, we’re still confused about Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura Haruno, though. The Last showed zero development between them—we’d like to understand how it was they got together. Bless us with your Light Novels Kishimoto. Deliver us answers!

Okay, well so far this prologue is looking promising. Looks like we’ll be given answers regarding Naruto and Sasuke…okay, then..

What the devil….okay. So this is Sakura and..Sasuke’s relationship? He just—returns. And says he’s back. I mean this would be acceptable if he just returned from grocery shopping but haven’t you been gone for years, man? Okay..let’s uh..see if Sakura’s provides some insight about this..relationship.

(couldn’t find pictures of her novel, I’m guessing because it was absolute trash, but here’s a video that goes through the story with hilarious commentary: https://youtu.be/_xBCABYy3qk)

For a summary, at the end of Sakura shinden, we are not provided answers regarding Sakura and Sasukes relationship in the slightest. Throughout her book she’s constantly..wet over him, that’s primarily all. In short, Kishimoto didn’t deliver us with answers to shit, except exposing his piss poor writing abilities. But wait! Wait, I forgot something! Oh that’s right—Gaiden! God how could I forgotten about Gaiden!? Maybe he provides some answers there for us?!Yeah to save you the trouble—he doesn’t. You’re welcome, I won’t torment your eyesight with the images. Kishimoto in Gaiden went on further confusing the relationship between Sasuke and Sakura. The point I am making here is that the reason those Light Novels and Gaiden became so popular was that people were expecting to read the material and gather information or answers that supported these relationships. To provide hindsight to their explanations or to at least give light as to how they started to develop that perhaps wasn’t in the manga. And the creator disrespects his fans so much that he doesn’t even give them that. He doesn’t provide answers, he doesn’t further explain information, he downright doesn’t do anything except appeal to what people want—I actually am not even sure what that exactly was for the Light Novels themselves, it all seemed like a mass of bullshit to me since they didn’t go on to explain particularly anything. People supported that man from beginning to the end and they were punched in the face repeatedly with the nonsensical explanations. Rightfully so, people should be pissed.

It’s the way the creator robbed a vast majority of people their time and investments to provide nonsensical endings with illogical pairings to support his work and art.People are pissed because he doesn’t care and all the evidence points to..he never did.

As I’ve stated previously; it’s not that we hate Boruto (the character included) it’s that we hate what it did to Naruto (the character included) and Sasuke for the sake of fan service and shipping bait. None of the questions we have were answered and absolutely nothing for these poor souls were justified. They are, instead, making a mockery of our childhood.

And that is what’s utterly disrespectful most of all.

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